Realizations

It's good to be writing again.  Things have been busy lately.  I just got back from a business trip to New Orleans.  That was an adventure in itself.  As I was leaving the house to head to the airport I felt pretty anxious.  It was my first time being away from family since Kellen passed.  Everything has an entirely different meaning now.  The littlest things become the biggest things and the big things become little. 
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio.  Bear with me on this one.  I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life."  I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is.  You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs. 
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed."  I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like.  My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life.  The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways.  Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?" 
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not.  Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day.  Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private.  What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could.  Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me.  It's something I will live with for the rest of my life.  There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now.  It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now.  But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it.  I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life.  My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself. 
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen.  The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have.  I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet.  A pleasant surprise.  Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again.  I love his little face in the picture.  My sweet little boy.  Oh how we miss you.