God and other things nobody likes to talk about

I didn't grow up going to church.  I think I went to some sort of preschool camp churchy thing at one point but that was the extent of it.  Not because my parents didn't believe in God, but they just never made it a priority.  A few years ago I felt the need to to join a church.  I went on a quest for the perfect church.  We tried several churches and it felt like we were just doing something we were supposed to do but nothing felt quite right.  Until we found our current church.  As close to perfect in my eyes as a church could be.  Welcoming, people from different walks of life, a feeling of home.  So we became regular attenders.  But I still felt as though my level of faith was no where near a lot of Christians I knew.  Then Kellen passed away.  Was I angry?  Yes.  I still am.  Was I angry at God?  No.  It's not to say that won't change.  I'm no expert on grief just because I've been immersed in it for a couple months.  But at this point, God is the only thing that brings me comfort. 
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering.  One of them was an atheist.  I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs.  I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK.  But something he said stood out to me.  He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again.  I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years.  I think about it often, especially now.  It makes me sad.  The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again.  If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now. 
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in.  I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again.  Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us.  Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :) 
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known.  Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days.  Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card.  When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart.  Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet.  It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card.  Just seeing his name still gets me emotional.  Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room.  I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while.  I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music.  This was Kellen's favorite toy.  His absolute favorite.  I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it.  He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that.  So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him.  I knew Kellen was trying to say hi.  As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him. 
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around.  Until we meet again, sweet boy.