Mother's Day

Mother's day is quickly approaching.  I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day.  I honestly hadn't even thought about it until it was brought up at the last support group.  I could see how painful it was for many of the mothers there.  I do realize how blessed we are that we have our daughter and that we are able to have more kids if we decided to but it doesn't make it easier.  I read something once that an angry grieving mother wrote when someone had so lovingly told her "at least you still have your daughter," and her response was "tell me which of your children you could live without?"  So that's the limbo that I'm in.  Happy to be a mother to my beautiful daughter but still heavy in my heart that he's not here.
I did some more going through his toys to see if there was anything I wanted to keep.  The hard part isn't the sorting process, it's that every single toy has a memory.  Every block I tripped over, every ball I found under the couch.  Everything reminds me of my sweet boy.  I found this little foam square that had his teeth marks in it and I just kept running my fingers over the marks.  Back and forth, over and over.  One of the few physical pieces of him I still have. 
If there's one thing I will always remember about Kellen it was what a mama's boy he was.  He was a permanent fixture on my hip for most of his life.  So on Mother's Day this year, when I think of Kellen, I will try to focus on that.  That he loved his mama and that she loved him. 

Mommy's boy from Krista Naldjian on Vimeo.