6 months later

When it first happened I could have never imagined making it to this point.  Somehow we arrived here 6 months later.  In my previous life it seemed like we were always working on something new.  Over a 6 month period I could tell you about all of the things we'd accomplished in the past 6 months.  Now, all I can really say is we've survived over the past 6 months... and I'm pretty ok with that. 
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult.  The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime.  I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him.  It's been very tough. 
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children.  I'm so glad we went.  I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents.  I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had.  One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin.  There are memories that will always be painful.  But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories.  For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here.  I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile.  It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller!  Kellen must be trying to say hi."  But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process. 
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog.  I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not.  He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond.  Miss you Kellen!