Then and now

This pregnancy is quite different than the last.  For many reasons.  Many of you may remember all the fun complications I had when I was pregnant with Kellen.  Thankfully, I don't have those same complications this time around.  I was holding my breath until the 20 week ultrasound when they would be able to tell if I had the same thing this time and, thankfully, that was not the case. 
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be.  She's been praying for another brother or sister.  But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby.  She almost seems cautiously excited.  The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes.  Again, I didn't know how to answer that question.  She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her.  I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house.  He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's. 
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened.  I was always the parent that didn't worry too much.  Kids will be kids, right?  She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever!  She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine.  But it's different now.  Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you.  If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids.  I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes.  I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates.  And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind.  I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit.  I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down.  I have to see her move a little bit.  I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person.  A different mom.  A different wife.  A different friend.  But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger.  While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier.  The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy.  I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so).  But now I can cry at the drop of a hat.  Doesn't take much.  This experience has forced me to feel more.  One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us.  My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy.  My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again.  Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy. 
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer.  "Is this your first child?"  "Nope."  "Your second?"  In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer.  While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child.  I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen.  I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others.  It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do. 
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy."  I understood what they meant.  Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby.  But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me.  If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction.  But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby.  I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts.  And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will.  But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed.  As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same.  The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process.  Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.)  So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity.  I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)