Strengths and Weaknesses

How on earth is it already July?  The best thing about July for me is that it means fall is almost here!  (Well in my mind that's what I tell myself to distract myself from how ridiculously hot it is.)  One year ago to the day I had this strong desire to get silly matching red, white and blue outfits for every member of my family, set up the camera on automatic and take pictures together.  I guess for some patriotic, good old American family pictures.  Can't explain why I wanted to do this so much.  I love pictures but I'm not one to feel the need to take themed pictures for every holiday.  Whatever the reason, I'm glad we did.  What resulted was one of my favorite family pictures of us. 

Kellen was happy because his mama was holding him, and we all somehow managed to look at the camera at the same time.  My goodness, does this picture make me smile.

I won't lie, it's been a rough past few days. Kellen has not left my mind.  It started a couple morning's ago at my Doctor's appointment.  As I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a dad walking around with his toddler son, I assume waiting for his wife to come out of her appointment.  I instantly thought of Kellen.  He would have been about the same age as this little boy and to see him walking around got that burning feeling in my chest going.  And then the little boy started saying "Mama! Mama!" over and over again and that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore.  The burning in my chest moved up my throat and the tears came down uncontrollably.  Thankfully no one was close enough to me to notice.  I've gotten to a place where for the most part I feel strong.  I can go about my day functioning like a normal person and I can take care of my daughter and be the best wife I can be.  And then there are moments like these when I feel like I'm so weak I can't stand. 

In my previous life I would hear about people losing children and, as most people do, you think "I can't even imagine what that would be like."  But really what you're imagining is indescribable pain, you just have never felt it.  I can attest that it is worse than I ever imagined.  I feel like I'm trapped in a well a mile below the surface knowing there is no way to climb out but still trying over and over again, hoping I can somehow get out of it.  Seeing the light but it's just unattainable.  Weak because I feel helpless, strong because I'm surviving. 

Not long after Kellen left us, we took Farrah to Starbucks to treat her to a Frappuccino and as we were sitting with our drinks I noticed a woman staring at us.  Not in a creepy way, but I could tell she had a sincere sweetness to her.  As we were finishing up she came over and said "I just want you to know, you have a beautiful family and your daughter is beautiful."  She smiled and walked away.  Afterwards I thought about what would have prompted her to notice us and to say that to us.  Had she lost a daughter and seeing Farrah brought back memories?  I'm not sure.  It could have just been a nice lady saying something nice to some people who really needed a lot of love.  I truly hope I can get to a place where instead of tears streaming when I see a little boy clumsily walking around and saying his first words that I can smile like this lady and say "You have a beautiful son."  For now I understand my weaknesses will probably outweigh my strengths and I'm ok with spontaneous tears now and then.  I am human, afterall.