This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will. As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big. This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?" 5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl. I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives. I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body. One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid.
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you. You force me to see things differently. I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Yesterday you had an "off" day. While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from. As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time. You saw my tears and asked if I was sad. I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad. I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven. He just wanted to see what it was like there before us. And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there. That's what I think when I'm sad mom." How wise you are my sweet girl.
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family. But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy. You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister.
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer. Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up. Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?" I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad. I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions.
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have. Everyone who knows you sees it. You are a very special girl.
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy
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