Dreams

I've heard from several of you that I need therapy.  Trust me, I know.  We're working on getting that set up as we speak.  Like most people that lose someone they love unexpectedly, especially a child, I go over the day before Kellen passed in my head all the time.  People tell me not to think about it but that's easier said then done.  The trauma of finding your son, unsuccessfully attempting CPR, and everything that follows is not something that's easy to get over.  I imagine it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I've heard many people say that in traumatizing situations such as these everything is a blur.  Not for me.  I remember every moment of the day before and the day of.  I think, wonder, question, analyze pretty much every moment of those days.  I try not to, but again, easier said than done.
But a few nights ago I had a dream.  Most of the time my dreams are so crazy and out there that in the morning I usually can't even remember what they were.  But this one is something I won't soon forget.  In this dream I met a medium.  One of those people that can speak to people that have crossed over.  He was an interesting looking man.  Early twenties, unkempt, stoner type.  I explained to him that I had lost my son and he said "your son wants me to tell you something."  I instantly saw Kellen's face in the distance and the medium said "He wants you to release how he died.  Stop thinking about what exactly happened and if you could have prevented it.  You couldn't have.  He said his time was up and this would have happened regardless."  That was the last thing I remember in my dream.
I would love to say this dream instantly cleared my head of all the toxic thoughts, I'm not completely "healed."  But it sure did ease my anxiety as we wait to hear the final report from the coroner.  Whatever happened, I feel in my heart that God had decided his time was up and nothing I could have done would have stopped it.