The dreaded to do list

I'll be the first to admit it.  I'm kind of a to do list addict.  I love the feeling of writing something down that needs to get done and then crossing it off.  A sense of pride comes over me, even if it's just "load the dishwasher."  Ever since Kellen passed there is a whole long list of other types of things that need to get done.  Things that are hard to think about. 
This past weekend we crossed a huge one off our list.  I haven't even been able to write most of these things down on my list because putting pen to paper is one more form of validation that he's gone that I don't want to face.  We finally decided what we wanted put on his headstone.  It was something that we weren't intentionally putting off, but we just didn't have an urgency to decide because nothing seemed right.  It's a surreal experience.  What can we possibly say to describe Kellen's journey on earth and the way that he has touched our lives?  Finally the man from the cemetery called and told us we were pushing the limit for getting the engraving taken care of.  We had to get this figured out.  As I've said before, the word "joy" has been the theme of Kellen's life for us.  So Abe came up with something using a lyric from a song and changing it up a bit to say "Heaven holds joy for all of us."  Of course his name, date of birth and death will be on there as well.  We went back and forth about whether or not we wanted his picture on the stone.  We ultimately decided to put it on there even though it may be painful to see every time we go to visit.  We just felt we would regret it more if we didn't put it on there. 
There are many other things for us to get to.  We still haven't touched his room.  We put every single baby item we have in his room and shut the door.  If you open the door it is packed to the brim with his things.  You can't even walk in there.  One more thing for us to get to. 
The way I look at it is right now every small little thing is a major chore for us.  There are many things I would like to do, and know need to get done, but because of the nature of everything, if it's not vital that it happens right this minute, it can wait.  I will take those things on piece by piece.  When I check one off it almost feels like I need to take a month break to regroup before I can take on something else.  So for now Kellen's room can wait.  Getting a hope chest for his things can wait.  Framing his pictures can wait.  It can all wait.  I know it may seem like right now we are just surviving and not strategic about anything, but everything we do or don't do right now is on purpose.  If we're choosing not to sign Farrah up for a zillion activities, it's for a reason.  If we're choosing not to overextend ourselves, it's definitely on purpose.  It's interesting because before this happened, I would say yes to pretty much anything that came our way.  And now I feel like I physically have something creating a barrier between me and my to do list.  Even if I wanted to, I just can't bring myself to take on anything that doesn't have to do with my faith, my family or my career.  I don't know if I'll ever get back to the "old me."  Not sure I even want to.  I certainly have appreciated the power of saying no to some things.  I have Kellen to thank for this new piece of me.