That one song

We all have that one song.  The one we can't get enough of.  We could listen to it over and over again and not get sick of it.  I grew up with music being a huge part of my upbringing.  I was in several choirs, took piano lessons from the ages of 6-18 (don't ask me to play now because from 18-29 I haven't played), was in musicals, took voice lessons and dabbled in various other instruments.  I feel emotion through song much more than through words alone.  I hope I can pass on my love of music to Farrah. 
This song "Oceans (Where feet may fail)" by Hillsong United is my new jam.  Like seriously on repeat.  And I can't listen to it without crying.  It's a scientific fact.  The minute it starts... waterworks. 
Before Kellen passed, my experience at church was completely different than it is now.  Before we went because we felt like we were supposed to.  Well at least I felt like I had to and I'm pretty sure Abe just went to keep me happy.  Now it is time I look forward to every week to connect with God and help bring healing to our hearts like only faith can. 
When Abe and I had been married for a year or two we were in that new marriage, scraping by, top ramen phase of our relationship.  Like with most young couples we struggled financially for a little while and I remember saying to him "If this is the worst thing we ever have to go through as a couple, I will consider us to be very blessed."  Of course I never could have imagined what was to come.  In a way I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I hadn't dealt with much loss in my life.  I lost both of my grandmas, but both had lived full lives, so while I was sad and missed them, I wouldn't consider losing them to be tragedies.  Losing a child on the other hand.....
So when I heard this song I really listened to was the lyrics despite the fact that it has a beautiful melody and instrumentals.  It describes our journey right now.  This season of our life has been filled with sorrow but also filled with faith like you could never imagine.  The entire song is one big description of my relationship with God in this moment but some lines in particular that stood out to me are the first lines:
"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery
In Oceans deep my faith will stand."

And towards the end where she sings:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour."

It's as if God himself picked my brain and wrote this song to help me through this time.  I couldn't describe my feelings any better than the idea that I have been asked to have faith and walk out on the water, and the deeper it gets, the more faith I have. 

This past Saturday night I had a bit of a meltdown while laying in bed.  It was almost midnight and I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't stop thinking about Kellen.  When he first passed away it was so uncomfortable to go about my daily routine without him.   I was so used to doing everything with him on my hip.  I was so used to hearing him crawl around on the floor, to hearing him laughing.  It seemed so unnatural to not have him there.  But I'm starting to lose that feeling and I hate it.  My "new normal" is to go about my day revolving around Farrah and Abe, but not Kellen.  I was laying in bed and sobbing uncontrollably.  I haven't had that happen as often as you would think.  Crying yes.... multiple times per day, but not to the point of not being able to get it together. 
I have my ok days and my bad days.  Everyday I need to lean on my faith to get me through.  I lean on my sweet Farrah and my amazing husband.  I lean on my family and my friends.  This is certainly something I can't do on my own.