"I can't even imagine"

It's a phrase I've been hearing a lot lately.  "I can't even imagine."  In fact, it's a phrase I have said in the past about my very same situation.  And it's true, you can't imagine until it happens to you.  I could never have imagined what it would be like to put my perfectly healthy baby to sleep and find him unresponsive the next morning.  I think it's a good thing that our minds protect us from fully grasping what that would be like.  I still find myself saying that about other situations.  When I hear horrible things on the news (I try not to even watch.)
But lately, I've been thinking that same thing about my beautiful blessing named Farrah.  I can't even imagine what my life would be like right now if I didn't have her.  I know everyone says this about their kids but there truly is something so special about her.  She has saved me over these past 4 months.  The innocence of a child is something I didn't understand until this happened.  She has a different attitude than the rest of us.  While she misses him, she has made comments like "Kellen is in heaven and you can eat all kinds of sweets in heaven."  Or "I wonder what Kellen is doing right now in heaven?  Did you know you can do whatever you want in heaven?"  While I don't remember telling her these specific things about heaven (she tends to have selective hearing at times :), we talk about how great heaven is so she knows nothing other than joy that her brother is experiencing it.
I have heard that children often have a sixth sense when it comes to sensing people that have gone on before us, and lately I feel like that might be the case for her.  In the car the other day I kept looking in the mirror and seeing her sitting in her car seat and staring out the window with a big smile on her face.  I asked her what she was thinking about and she said "I'm just smiling back at my brother.  He's smiling at me right now."  She's also been saying things like she's talking to him or playing with him.  I love that she still gets to experience him.  She seems to still have a piece of him that is comforting to her whether it's real or not. 
For those of you that know Farrah, you know how much she loves mermaids.  There have been times I've seen her close her eyes and put her hands together and say "I wish to become a mermaid." (A line from one of her Barbie movies.)  She's always disappointed when she opens her eyes to discover she's not an actual mermaid.  Even when we try to pretend we're mermaids she always says "No, not pretend mermaid, I want to be a REAL mermaid!"  This distinction is very important between real and pretend because even though she's young she gets the difference.  A couple weeks ago she shared with me about the one time she became a real mermaid.  She said one night her brother came to her and he turned her into a real mermaid.  She got to swim in the ocean with her mermaid tail for one night and then he turned her back into a person.  She insists that this was real and not pretend.  Call me crazy but I have no doubt in my mind that her brother came to her in a dream and made this wish come true for her.  Love her to pieces.  I can't even imagine this journey without her.