The Call

We got the call yesterday.  The call we've been waiting for for almost 5 months.  The day Kellen passed the coroner told us it could take up to 90 days for an official cause of death.  They would do an autopsy the next day and then they would send his blood work to a lab on the east coast to see if they could find anything abnormal in his blood and that's why it could take so long.  So we waited... and waited.  A million thoughts ran through my head while I was waiting.  As much as I tried not to, I would question everything.  Replay that day over and over.  So when the 90 days came and went, we called.  "We're not sure who told you 90 days," they said.  "It'll be more like 5 months."  So back to waiting we went.  It felt like we were at a stand still until we could get this closure.  It's a strange feeling when people ask what happened and you're not even sure what happened.  I would always say SIDS but in my heart, I wasn't sure that's what it was because I kept thinking about how he was sick the day before and it seemed like too big of a coincidence.
So yesterday morning as we were driving, I mentioned to my husband that I wish they would just call already.  This coming weekend will mark 5 months since he passed so I knew to be expecting the call any day.  The big man upstairs must have heard my request because an hour or so later, the call came.  When I heard who it was on the other line my heart stopped.  Abe and I hurried into the office so we could hear better and shield Farrah from anything we didn't want her to hear.
"So he was sick right?  He was sick right before?" "Yes."  "Ok, did you hear a loud barking cough?" "No." "You didn't?" "No." "Well the doctor is listing the cause of death as croup..... typically there's a loud barking cough that comes with it.".... silence.
I didn't know what to say.  I left the room to go sit and cry.  I was so afraid of this.  I didn't want to hear that it was because of him being sick.  I remember thinking that day before he passed that if he wasn't better by tomorrow I was going to bring him in to see the doctor because, even though he didn't have a fever, he was congested and I wanted to get it checked out.  I gave him a warm bath and put the humidifier on before I left the room that night.  Was there something I missed?  It never crossed my mind that anything I saw was life threatening otherwise I obviously would have had him at the hospital in a heartbeat.
So Abe came out of the office after he finished the call.  Both of us irritated because everything they told us was found during the initial autopsy, not the bloodwork.  Because we were told they found nothing in the autopsy initially, I was thinking that maybe it was SIDS.  Abe told me one last thing the man from the coroner's office said on the phone after I left.  "Not that it makes it any better, but there was nothing you could have done.  Even if you had brought him to the doctor it probably wouldn't have helped."
I thought he was just blowing smoke to make us feel better but as I started to research croup, I'm starting to believe he was right.  It is extremely rare to die from croup.  Everything I read said it's rarely serious. Suggestions included using a humidifier and rest.  In fact Abe was reading some statistics and a baby is less likely to die from croup than from SIDS.
So here we are.  Where are we supposed to go from here?  I guess we've received as much closure as we possibly can have.  I don't think this will change how often I think of him.  And I certainly will continue missing him every second of every day.  But the waiting game has ended.

Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us, supporting us, praying for us and for reading this blog.  As much as this news brings an element of closure, I never want anyone to forget about my sweet boy.  So thank you for reading every time I post.  The fact that so many of you think of my son so often means the world to me.