Farrahisms

You may have noticed by now that our 4 year old daughter Farrah is a wonderful distraction from our sadness.  She has always been a special girl, but I'm convinced now that she is part of God's plan to heal us.  You know those annoying people that always post the funny things their kid says?  Guilty as charged.  I can't help it.  She is a constant source of joy and laughter in our house.  She has always been known for her Farrahisms, and I notice them even more so now than ever.  I appreciate the way she chooses to say things when before I never paid attention.  Every pop of her hip, every scrunchy face, every mispronunciation is something I want to hold onto.  It's what makes Farrah, Farrah.  It's what brings us joy in our sorrow.
So here are some of my favorite Farrahisms from the past couple of weeks. 

• A few days after Kellen passed we had family visiting and Farrah's aunt gave her some chocolate gold coins.  Farrah has one of the biggest sweet tooths I know.  I wonder why that is?  :)  So one night we were getting ready for bed and I couldn't find Farrah.  As you remember from my previous post I'm much more paranoid about Farrah now so I went into an instant panic.  I was calling for her and running through the house and couldn't find her.  I went into our room and saw a small lump on our bed under the blankets but usually when she hides under the covers you can see her moving around.  I lifted up the blanket just to be sure and there she was with her gold coins eating them as quietly and as still as she could.  

• Follow up to the gold coin thing.  This morning my husband discovered she had a secret stash of her gold coins in a drawer in her room.  He brought it out to show me and all that was left was a bunch of wrappers and one coin that was uneaten.  I tried to give her "the look" and she just smiled at me and said "Yeah mom, see.... I was saving this coin for after my dinner, isn't that great?"

• At dinner a couple nights ago Farrah decided to bring up the topic of us having another baby.  Here's how the conversation went... Farrah: "Mommy and Daddy can you please get married again so you can have another baby?" Abe: "Farrah, Mommy and Daddy are already married so we don't have to get married again to have another baby." Farrah with a confused look on her face: "Oh well then how do you have another baby?" Abe stares at her for a minute: "Ok sweetie we can get married again."  #notreadyforthatconversation

• At such a young age she's very aware of other people's emotions and she wants to fix things when she sees people are sad.  I was reading her a new children's book we got her that explains death and what it means and I started crying as I was reading it to her.  She saw I was crying, touched my cheek and told me I didn't have to be sad.  She has such a great heart.  She holds it together much better than we ever could.

 

• She told us that dancing and singing makes her happy when she's sad so there's been a lot more of that lately.  You can tell she is really feeling it when she dances.  The faces she makes are hilarious.  She gets lost in the music.  We told her that at the church where we were having Kellen's celebration there was a stage where people were going to talk so when we first got there the first thing she asked was "Where's the stage?"  She was dancing pretty much the whole time in the background of everyone's speeches and I was totally ok with that. 

• And probably my most favorite moment of Farrah I've ever had since she was born was something that happened at Kellen's graveside service.  She has been sitting there quietly as our Pastor was speaking and at the end he said "Let's pray."  Before he could speak Farrah just put her little hands together and started praying out loud.  We all stayed quiet and listened.  She thanked God for all that we have.  She prayed for us who were sad to be happy.  She was happy that Kellen was in heaven.  Amen.
  
  
  

Things Remembered

 This is going to be a hard post for me, but I know I need to write it.  I know I will never forget the major things about Kellen... what a mama's boy he was, his silly faces, how big he would smile.  As time goes on though, I am so afraid that I might forget the little things.  Which is why I wanted to take some time to memorialize some of the little things that I remember now that with time may slip from my memory.
So let me introduce you to my sweet Kellen...

• He loved bath time.  And not even necessarily his own bath.  Once he was mobile, all I would have to do is turn on the bath water and he would come crawling as quick as he could to the bath.  My favorite thing was before he could pull himself up, he would crawl to the bath and just rock back and forth on all fours, banging his head against the bath each time until I picked him up and leaned him against the bath so he could see in.  He would put his hands under the running water and squeal with happiness.  Farrah would sometimes splash him (or pour water on him with her shovel if my head was turned away) but he never seemed to mind.  He just loved the water.  
• He loved to be outside.  Whenever my parents babysat him they would say how fussy he would be when I left because he was such a mamas boy and they quickly learned the only cure for his fussiness was either a bottle or going outside.  He would look at the trees, grass, flowers, whatever and just instantly calm down.  It was his happy place.  
• He always seemed like he didn't want to miss something important.  He wasn't a very good sleeper.  At 11 months he was still waking up a couple times a night.  His naps were sporadic.  Sometimes he'd nap for 20 minutes, sometimes if I was lucky it would be an hour or two, sometimes he would just boycott them all together.  I'm happy now that he spent so much time awake.  I'd gladly give up sleep to have that time with him.  
• He knew how to be sneaky.  He used to crawl towards somewhere he wasn't supposed to go like the bathroom or my office and when I'd call his name he would turn back towards me and give me this big toothy smile and then take off crawling as fast as he could to see if he could make it before I picked him up.  I hope I never lose that image of him.  
• He hated having his diaper changed.  Not because of the actual diaper change but because he didn't like to lay still.  He would instantly flip over as soon as I laid him down.  I would have to resort to singing crazy songs, making animal noises or something equally crazy to distract him long enough for a quick diaper change.  Then I usually had to try to pull his pants back up as he was crawling away because any crazy faces I made only distracted him long enough to do the diaper part.  
• He quickly learned how to tell when we arrived at our destination in the car.  In the beginning, he hated the car.  As time went on he got better about being in the car but it still wasn't his favorite thing.  But he learned that when I turned off the car that we had arrived at our destination so if he was fussy, as soon as I turned off the car he would stop fussing and start kicking his legs with excitement.  When I would get out of the car and open the door to get him he would have the biggest smile on his face.  Not sure if he was excited to get out of the car or see me... I'll just say it was me :)
• He was such a peanut... especially at the beginning.  I could write a whole post about his weight issues, in fact I think I did :)  He was so teeny tiny which was funny because he was 8 lbs 1 oz when he was born so it's not like he was a preemie or anything.  We later learned that his weight gaining issues were from a fun Acid Reflux issue which made him spit up all the time.  Around 6 months when he was doing the army crawl I had to literally change him about 7 times a day because he was spit up his entire meal then drag himself right through it.  We seemed to get it in check the last few months and he was starting to chunk out.  Nowhere near the level of chubbiness that his sister was at that age but chunkier nonetheless. 
• He loved "chasing his sister."  He obviously wasn't even walking yet, much less chasing after her but he absolutely loved to be held by mommy or daddy and have us chase after his sister.  That brought out the deep belly laughs in him.  He had a special relationship with his sister.  They were best buds.  Here's a video of me chasing them.  For some reason my new phone has had an issue with the sound on the camera so there isn't much sound to the video.  Maybe it was meant to be that way.  You don't need to hear the video to know how excited he was to play this game.  I will miss those handful of moments when all 4 of us were together, not distracted by anything and just playing together.  

 

• He loved animals.  My poor pets.  Kellen would always crawl right over to them and grab them. 
   
  My friend Carla made this photo collage of Kellen and our dog Jimmy Choo. He was so fascinated by him.  Jimmy tolerated him the best he could but he learned to run away when the baby got too close.  Smart dog.  
• His favorite "game" was to crawl over to our tv stand and pull down each dvd one by one, stare at it for a moment, then throw it on the floor and continue on with the next one.  I always wondered what was going on in that little brain of his.  He had mastered his concentrating face.  You could tell he was a deep thinker.

It's hard to imagine after listing these that I could possibly ever forget them.  I'd like to think that at 80 years old I'll be telling my grandkids about all the funny things their uncle Kellen did.  I sure hope that's the case.  But for now, I'll still write things down, reflect on the joy he brought us and thank God for these precious memories I have of him.  

 

Awareness

Ever since Kellen passed, I've had a much higher sense of awareness.  Gone are the days of getting myself ready, getting into the car and doing my errands for the day without noticing everything around me. 
Yesterday we went to target. We pulled into the parking lot.  Normally this would be the time when I would strategize how to make this work with 2 kids.  Park next to the shopping cart stall so I can easily grab the cart, put the shopping cart cover over it, grab Farrah, put her in the cart, grab Kellen and put him in the cart.  Then on the way out I'd do the same shopping cart dance again in reverse.  None of that was necessary.  When we walked into Target it took all of 3 seconds for me to spot about 5 babies and then the pain in my chest started again.  Small babies in carseats in the carts, babies in strollers, Kellen-sized babies in baby bjorns... apparently I just entered a baby warehouse.  Not really, just Target on a Saturday, but things I never noticed before. 
Part of me just wants to walk up to everyone and tell them our story, and then part of my prays no one ever asks about it.  That lady joyfully pushing her newborn in the stroller up the diaper aisle?  I want to stop her and tell her how blessed she is.  That lady yelling out of frustration at her kid?  I want to stop and tell her how blessed she is. 
I found myself tearing up when I passed the baby toys. I never noticed how cute they are.  I always saw them as an annoyance for their loud songs and blinking lights.  And don't even get me started on the baby section.  I can't walk by it yet.  The clothes, diapers, formula, everything is too much for me. 
I'm much more aware of my daughter.  Every breath.  When I go in her room at night to turn off her light after she has fallen asleep I stand next to her and watch her breathe a few times before I leave.  I had a minor freak out the other day when I found out my husband had left Farrah alone in her room with carrots.  Seriously... carrots.  "What if she chokes and we can't hear her?"  He assured me that he'd go check on her and when he came back downstairs he said she was fine to which I replied "Are you sure?  Did you check to make sure she is breathing?" 
Seems funny now...wasn't then.  I imagine this feeling of awareness will stick with me.  Maybe it will wear off with time... maybe not.  I'm not sure that I want it to go away though.  Maybe I'd like to be able to make it past the diaper rash cream without bursting into tears, but I don't think I ever want to lose sight of how short life really is.  Maybe that's my takeaway from my outing to Target yesterday. 
Thank you friends for your unending support.  These past 2 weeks have restored my faith in humanity.  You have all been so good to us and we can't thank you enough. 

Things I'm annoyed by right now

I'm not going to lie, I'm having a down day today.  I'm sure after my last post being so heavy, it seems like I should get you all caught up on the last week and a half, but instead I need to vent.  I have had every emotion in the book today but overall I spent the majority of my day annoyed.  I've had a lot of people tell me how strong I am.  It sounds funny because I don't feel that way.  I've had a lot of bouts of crying in public over the past few days.  The littlest thing can put me over the edge.  So here's a list of things that have really been causing my blood pressure to rise... I mean don't be surprised if you see me on the news with the headline "Grieving mom goes crazy and slaps woman in a fit of road rage!"

Speaking of road rage... that leads me to my first gripe.  I have never been more irritated with drivers in my life.  All I can think when I see someone weaving in and out of lanes is "what is wrong with you?  You're putting someone else's life in danger because you  are running a few minutes late?"  Texting and driving?  You're an idiot!  Smoking in the car with your kids?  How dare you!  Life has become so much more precious to me that I can't stand seeing anyone doing anything that might cause harm to someone else.

My neighbor.  If you don't know the back story, our neighbors are quite possibly the loudest, most obnoxious people on the planet.  I had no idea people could scream so loudly about dinner being ready.  I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood now knows your dinner is ready.  But now, when I hear her yelling at her kids, all I want to do is march over there bang on her door and scream "How dare you!?  I would give anything to have my baby back and you're over here yelling at your kids over something so stupid?!"  If it continues, I just might.

Celebrities... the ridiculously wealthy ones.  I heard today that Taylor Swift is worth $105 million.  I almost became physically ill.  After my son passed, our family and friends rallied around to raise money for us to help with the funeral costs and I felt so unworthy of their help... who are we to deserve this kindness?  I knew we needed to use it for the funeral and other related costs but all I wanted to do was give it away to someone else that was more deserving.  Then I see Kim Kardashian's stupid face on a magazine and I think, what a waste.  I'm all for people working hard and enjoying the fruits of their labor, but at a certain point don't you think enough is enough?  So many problems would be solved if people were more willing to help others in need.  I just thought of another headline for me.... "Crazy lady rips up every  People Magazine in the Safeway Checkout Line!"  Could you really blame me though?

Random things.  Like really random things.  I was watching TV and a Target commercial came on.  It showed some lady getting her house ready for a Christmas party.  Cue the adorable place card holders, festive chargers and plates, matching mixing bowls and utensils.  I literally screamed at the TV "Who cares???"  I was so angry in that moment.  My son is gone and people care about their house looking just perfect for a party?  WHO CARES?!?!

And lastly, people feeling the need to babysit me.  I say this with as much love as possible, I don't need to be babysat right now.  I understand my emotional stay is very delicate right now, but I've had a lot of people second guessing every decision I make right now.  "Are you sure?"  "Are you really ready for that?"  I get it, people want to help.  But if I want to do something, let me try, and if I change my mind halfway through, you'll be the first to know.  I really do appreciate everyone's support, I just need to be able to start navigating this ship and not feel like everyone is second guessing my own judgement. 

It's starting to sink in that Kellen is not just on vacation.  I was looking at pictures and it occurred to me that the pictures I have of him are all the pictures I will ever have of him and my heart really started to hurt.  I haven't been able to find a comfortable place.  Don't know if I ever will.  When I'm home all day I get in a depressed mood because I'm just sitting around dwelling on it, but when I go out I get in an angry mood because everyone else is going on with their lives around me and all I want to do is yell at them.  "Don't you understand what just happened?  My world is crashing down around me and you are just pushing your shopping cart up and down the aisles like nothing's wrong!"

There are times I feel strong, I have to be for Farrah.  But as you probably guessed by now, most of the time I'm not.  I don't know when, if ever I will feel like the strong mama I was before.  For now I'll be kind to myself and give myself time to hopefully become less and less crazy with each day that passes. 

Time

Much time has passed since my last blog entry.  To be honest, I just wasn't inspired.  Yes, life has been crazy busy with 2 kids, but have I literally not had any time to write a blog post?  No.... just haven't felt like it.  I almost wrote something this past weekend but then got distracted by something.
And then came October 29th when my world came crashing down.  It was my sweet Kellen's "11 month birthday... just one month shy of his birthday celebration."  I had put him down the night before after a day of him being under the weather.  He had a cold like the rest of us and was sleepy most of the day.  I always hate seeing my babies sick.  Breaks my heart.  So I put him down for the night early around 6:30 or so.  Around 6:15 the next morning my alarm went off.  Seemed strange for him to sleep that long being that he slept so much the day before and he still, at 11 months was waking up 1-2 times per night.  I had a sinking feeling. I went in his room to check on him and it was still dark outside so I couldn't see very well.  But I couldn't hear him breathe.  I touched him.  He was cold.  I screamed and my husband rushed in and started CPR while I called 911.  The next few hours were all a blur.  Police, Ambulances, firefighters, detectives.  Tears.... lots and lots of tears.  My sweet baby boy Kellen has gone to be with God.  His time on this earth has ended.
Writing has always been so healing for me.  There are few things that have brought me any comfort over this past week.  Writing is one of them.  So while to some it may seem odd timing for me to decide to pick back up with this blog, for me time doesn't seem quite the same as it did before.  Who knows when our time on earth will end.  I'm emotionally drained and have cried more in this past week than I have in the rest of my life combined.  In the days and weeks to come I'm sure I'll have more to write about, but for today I'll end with this:  Hold your babies extra tight.  Let them where pajamas to school (I did that today with Farrah), let them stay awake a few extra minutes, wait to finish the laundry until they're asleep.  I would give absolutely anything to have 1 more minute with my little guy.  Anything.
Love you my sweet boy.  Until we meet again.

Weight Issues

I'm sure being that I'm a new mama you assumed the title of this post was referring to me.  In a way, I wish it was me because I'd rather it be me than my babies but unfortunately, it's Kellen.  I knew he was a tiny little guy, but imagine my surprise when I took him to his 2 month appointment and he was in the zero percentile...... ZERO!  Talk about knocking this confident mama down a few pegs.  What's most frustrating to me is that I felt like breast feeding was working this time and that we'd gotten the hang of it all.  So now, we've been supplementing with formula and I've been breast feeding him around the clock.  The Doctor also prescribed him Zantac to help him keep food down because he's been spitting up so much that it's possible that's the problem. 

My intuition tells me that it's not a breast feeding issue so I'm not ready to give it up.  I'm just praying that supplementing combined with the medicine will help his weight come up so I feel better about it all.  Obviously he is my main concern so whatever I have to do, I'll do but for now, the breastfeeding will continue.  I'm used to a super chunky baby because of Farrah so having a little peanut has been different.  I'm ready to see some rolls :) 
On another note, my weight is great!  Haha.  Much different than with Farrah where I held on to almost all the weight for a couple years and I still never got back to my pre pregnancy weight.  From the last day of my pregnancy until now I've lost about 45 lbs.  35 of it just came off on it's own and then I joined Weight Watchers about a month ago and another 10 has come off since then.  Maybe that's the reason I'm not ready to give breast feeding up!  :)  So that's what's new here.  I've been so busy feeding a baby that my blog has not been updated as often as I'd like but now you know why.  Until next time! 

Bad Blogger

So ummm... hi?!  Yes, it sure has been months since my last post.  Can't really explain why either.  It's been a combination of being busy with kids, with work, not feeling inspired and trying to figure out how to watermark my pictures (well, telling my somewhat techy husband I want to watermark my pictures and him saying he'll teach me but never getting around to it.)
My little man is 2 1/2 months now.  I can't believe it, and yet at the same time I can.  It doesn't seem like that long ago when we were in the hospital getting ready for his arrival, but it does seem like he's been in our lives forever.  He is such a great baby.  And remember HERE how I was all worried about how I could possibly love this baby as much as I love my sweet Farrah?  Well it's laughable to me now because not only have I fallen head over heels for this little boy, but my love for miss Farrah has grown so much.  Seeing her as a big sister, caring so much for her baby brother... almost too much, has made me love her even more than I could have ever imagined possible.  She is so in love with her brother and so protective of him too. 
Here's what's new with Kellen:
Not sure of weight and height because we had to cancel his Doctor's appt... long story but hopefully we'll reschedule soon.
He has found his hands.  He loves to make a fist and suck on his hands and fingers.  He sometimes will put both his fists up by his face so he looks like a little boxer... I die.
He LOVES his mama.  And I don't say that because I'm biased.  When he catches a glimpse of me if I walk by, his eyes lock on me and he doesn't look away.  Ok yeah it's probably because I'm his food source, but hey I'll take it.
Speaking of food source, breast feeding has gone a thousand percent better this time around.  He's exclusively breastfed with the exception of a bottle every few days if I'm gone for too long and daddy has to feed him.
He's a tiny guy.  Maybe because Farrah was mostly bottle fed, but she was a big baby.  So getting used to seeing a little peanut has been interesting.  I'm sure it won't be long until he gets to be chunky.  I'll be honest... I love me a chunky baby!
He's starting to make little cooing noises.  And after he sneezes he lets out this cute sigh/coo.  Cutest thing ever.
He's currently sick thanks to his sister passing on her germs.  At 2 months old it seems pretty early, but he actually got sick for the first time at 10 days which was heartbreaking for us to see.
He's started smiling.  My favorite thing is to go in his room in the morning and lean over the crib and when he sees me his face lights up and he starts smiling.  Again... I die.
For the past week or so he's slept for 5 hours, woke up around 3 for a feeding, went right back to sleep and woke up around 7 for another feeding.  Starting to get a little normalcy back.  Knock on wood.
He now sleeps in his crib.  He was sleeping in bed with us and the transition was harder than I thought it would be.  Not for him, but for us.  We missed having him in bed with us. 

I can't promise I'll be posting more regularly, but I do hope to me inspired more than once every few months.  For now, hopefully these cute pictures will hold you over.