Things I'm annoyed by right now

I'm not going to lie, I'm having a down day today.  I'm sure after my last post being so heavy, it seems like I should get you all caught up on the last week and a half, but instead I need to vent.  I have had every emotion in the book today but overall I spent the majority of my day annoyed.  I've had a lot of people tell me how strong I am.  It sounds funny because I don't feel that way.  I've had a lot of bouts of crying in public over the past few days.  The littlest thing can put me over the edge.  So here's a list of things that have really been causing my blood pressure to rise... I mean don't be surprised if you see me on the news with the headline "Grieving mom goes crazy and slaps woman in a fit of road rage!"

Speaking of road rage... that leads me to my first gripe.  I have never been more irritated with drivers in my life.  All I can think when I see someone weaving in and out of lanes is "what is wrong with you?  You're putting someone else's life in danger because you  are running a few minutes late?"  Texting and driving?  You're an idiot!  Smoking in the car with your kids?  How dare you!  Life has become so much more precious to me that I can't stand seeing anyone doing anything that might cause harm to someone else.

My neighbor.  If you don't know the back story, our neighbors are quite possibly the loudest, most obnoxious people on the planet.  I had no idea people could scream so loudly about dinner being ready.  I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood now knows your dinner is ready.  But now, when I hear her yelling at her kids, all I want to do is march over there bang on her door and scream "How dare you!?  I would give anything to have my baby back and you're over here yelling at your kids over something so stupid?!"  If it continues, I just might.

Celebrities... the ridiculously wealthy ones.  I heard today that Taylor Swift is worth $105 million.  I almost became physically ill.  After my son passed, our family and friends rallied around to raise money for us to help with the funeral costs and I felt so unworthy of their help... who are we to deserve this kindness?  I knew we needed to use it for the funeral and other related costs but all I wanted to do was give it away to someone else that was more deserving.  Then I see Kim Kardashian's stupid face on a magazine and I think, what a waste.  I'm all for people working hard and enjoying the fruits of their labor, but at a certain point don't you think enough is enough?  So many problems would be solved if people were more willing to help others in need.  I just thought of another headline for me.... "Crazy lady rips up every  People Magazine in the Safeway Checkout Line!"  Could you really blame me though?

Random things.  Like really random things.  I was watching TV and a Target commercial came on.  It showed some lady getting her house ready for a Christmas party.  Cue the adorable place card holders, festive chargers and plates, matching mixing bowls and utensils.  I literally screamed at the TV "Who cares???"  I was so angry in that moment.  My son is gone and people care about their house looking just perfect for a party?  WHO CARES?!?!

And lastly, people feeling the need to babysit me.  I say this with as much love as possible, I don't need to be babysat right now.  I understand my emotional stay is very delicate right now, but I've had a lot of people second guessing every decision I make right now.  "Are you sure?"  "Are you really ready for that?"  I get it, people want to help.  But if I want to do something, let me try, and if I change my mind halfway through, you'll be the first to know.  I really do appreciate everyone's support, I just need to be able to start navigating this ship and not feel like everyone is second guessing my own judgement. 

It's starting to sink in that Kellen is not just on vacation.  I was looking at pictures and it occurred to me that the pictures I have of him are all the pictures I will ever have of him and my heart really started to hurt.  I haven't been able to find a comfortable place.  Don't know if I ever will.  When I'm home all day I get in a depressed mood because I'm just sitting around dwelling on it, but when I go out I get in an angry mood because everyone else is going on with their lives around me and all I want to do is yell at them.  "Don't you understand what just happened?  My world is crashing down around me and you are just pushing your shopping cart up and down the aisles like nothing's wrong!"

There are times I feel strong, I have to be for Farrah.  But as you probably guessed by now, most of the time I'm not.  I don't know when, if ever I will feel like the strong mama I was before.  For now I'll be kind to myself and give myself time to hopefully become less and less crazy with each day that passes.