Yesterday I went with my family to go celebrate my Grandpa's 82nd Birthday. I've been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. The day that Kellen passed my Mary Kay girlfriend came over and as she hugged me while I was crying she whispered in my ear "you know I went through this too right?" I had no idea. It was as if God sent an angel for me that night to lean on. Someone who understands my pain. Her son passed away when he was 2 and I had no idea. She told me something that has really stuck with me. She said, "You have 2 choices... You can be depressed and miserable for the rest of your life or you can live your life to honor your son." I knew right then which route I was going to take.
I've had so many people tell me how well I'm doing or how strong I am, and I see where they're coming from, but I'm here to tell you, I'm not "ok." I never will be. I'm just choosing to live my life to honor Kellen. Farrah lost her brother and I would be devastated if she felt that she was robbed of her parents too. I also don't want people worrying about me. The few times I've broken down in public I get the sense that people feel sorry for me and worry about me. I don't need people worrying about me, I'm just grieving.
These days I spend most of my time focusing on Farrah and a few other things that bring me happiness. Farrah is doing surprisingly well. She talks about Kellen all the time but there's never a sadness behind what she's talking about. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that she's not even 4 years old yet. Yesterday we were driving in the morning and you could still see the moon in the sky and she said "hey look mom the moon is out! I wonder what it's still doing out? I know! It's Kellen because he's my star and he's watching over us." How she is so smart and so well spoken for such a little kid I will never understand.
*Photo by Linda Davis
For me, most of the time I'm able to function ok. I have my moments, usually at night time where I can't contain it anymore and I break down. I was watching the X-Factor the other night and one of the groups sang Cold Play's "fix you." I don't usually have any idea what Cold Play is singing about. But their words in this song stuck out to me so much that I couldn't contain my emotion. The song is about someone being broken and their partner trying to fix them. As he was singing I was thinking about how for the rest of our lives, Abe and I will be trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Then he sang the line "tears stream down your face when you lose something you can't replace." I can't get this song out of my head now.
Not that I need to explain myself to anyone, but just to let everyone know how we're doing... we're not ok. We never will be. But that doesn't mean you won't see us out, living a full life.
This tugs at my heart. I actually love reading your posts. That's probably a strange thing to say, the wrong descriptor. But I honestly look forward to reading your entries.
ReplyDeleteYour tragedy has immensely changed my life, my daily routines. I constantly tell my husband and daughter how much I love them, almost frantically. And it reminds me that all the other stuff, work drama and other unimportant things I used to spend so much time stressing over are completely meaningless. So even though this thing you went through was unimaginably horrible and will be an open sore that has a never ending shaker of salt being pored into it, your son's passing was not in vain. His life continues to be a reminder and inspiration not only to the people who knew him personally, but to a stranger in AZ who never stops thinking about him.
I feel this need to stay in touch with you regularly, which seems silly since you obviously have so many amazingly wonderful and supportive people in your life. But it's important to me that you know that we are always thinking of him, always thinking of you and your family. For whatever comfort it may bring, our lives are also forever changed by this terribly unfair tragedy that, though it will never disappear, will one day hurt a little different.
We are so thankful to you for sharing your brutal honesty and sincerity. It goes without saying, but know you are never for a moment alone. And if a stranger in AZ can ever offer anything to you in friendship, please know our door is always open :)
You have been in my prayers. There is no way to even imagine that pain. He seemed so cute, so wonderful. I enjoyed reading about him. Losing a much loved child is such a heartbreak. My kids and I have learned the hard way after losing my husband that you have to tell each other you love them. You are so strong. Doing things to honour your son seems so much better than crawling away. You show so much strength. Courage like yours is the true meaning of courage - because you do, even when you hurt. I saw first-hand your courage and your huge heart this month. Your daughter is such a precious girl. She and I had a conversation about her brother one night. Listening to her talk showed me just how much she is like you and your husband. She did not feel sorry for herself. She just missed him a lot.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family showed the truest form of love in a family and I wished so much to help in some way. The most I could do was to tell you I admire you. Please, and I mean this, if there is anything I can do, please let me know. If you ever want to visit New England, there is a whole guest apartment just waiting.