Awareness

Ever since Kellen passed, I've had a much higher sense of awareness.  Gone are the days of getting myself ready, getting into the car and doing my errands for the day without noticing everything around me. 
Yesterday we went to target. We pulled into the parking lot.  Normally this would be the time when I would strategize how to make this work with 2 kids.  Park next to the shopping cart stall so I can easily grab the cart, put the shopping cart cover over it, grab Farrah, put her in the cart, grab Kellen and put him in the cart.  Then on the way out I'd do the same shopping cart dance again in reverse.  None of that was necessary.  When we walked into Target it took all of 3 seconds for me to spot about 5 babies and then the pain in my chest started again.  Small babies in carseats in the carts, babies in strollers, Kellen-sized babies in baby bjorns... apparently I just entered a baby warehouse.  Not really, just Target on a Saturday, but things I never noticed before. 
Part of me just wants to walk up to everyone and tell them our story, and then part of my prays no one ever asks about it.  That lady joyfully pushing her newborn in the stroller up the diaper aisle?  I want to stop her and tell her how blessed she is.  That lady yelling out of frustration at her kid?  I want to stop and tell her how blessed she is. 
I found myself tearing up when I passed the baby toys. I never noticed how cute they are.  I always saw them as an annoyance for their loud songs and blinking lights.  And don't even get me started on the baby section.  I can't walk by it yet.  The clothes, diapers, formula, everything is too much for me. 
I'm much more aware of my daughter.  Every breath.  When I go in her room at night to turn off her light after she has fallen asleep I stand next to her and watch her breathe a few times before I leave.  I had a minor freak out the other day when I found out my husband had left Farrah alone in her room with carrots.  Seriously... carrots.  "What if she chokes and we can't hear her?"  He assured me that he'd go check on her and when he came back downstairs he said she was fine to which I replied "Are you sure?  Did you check to make sure she is breathing?" 
Seems funny now...wasn't then.  I imagine this feeling of awareness will stick with me.  Maybe it will wear off with time... maybe not.  I'm not sure that I want it to go away though.  Maybe I'd like to be able to make it past the diaper rash cream without bursting into tears, but I don't think I ever want to lose sight of how short life really is.  Maybe that's my takeaway from my outing to Target yesterday. 
Thank you friends for your unending support.  These past 2 weeks have restored my faith in humanity.  You have all been so good to us and we can't thank you enough.