Distractions

I'm going to need some extra love these next several weeks.  While most people are getting ready for happy family get togethers over Thanksgiving and Christmas we're preparing ourselves to face those without our little guy.  Not only that, but we have our trip to LA and disneyland that we had planned to enjoy with him there.  And probably the most painful will be Black Friday, which for most will be the day where they're out trying to score a good deal on the hottest toys and electronics, but for us will be Kellen's first birthday.  We also have Farrah's 4th birthday a couple days later and her birthday party which we had planned on being a joint party for the 2 of them, but has now turned into a princess party for Farrah. 
Distractions have seemed to help.  However I'm coming to realize that they're short lived and then I either need to find another distraction or I get lost in my thoughts and the uncontrollable waterworks start. 
My very best friend Carla got married this past weekend.  I'd been looking forward to this day for so long.  I knew that what my friend wanted was a huge dance party which is what I wanted to make sure she got.  I dance at weddings anyways, but especially this one.  I was not going to leave the dance floor the entire time and I didn't.  I was there, dancing my heart out to show my friend how much I loved her and show my husband how awesome of a DJ I think he is.  But there was this awkward, uneasy feeling I had while I was "having a good time."  You see, I'm sure most of the people that were there knew what had happened with our family.  As I was dancing around the room in a conga line, wine in one hand, maraca in the other, I started to wonder what people thought of me.  Was it strange to them to see me having such a good time so soon after such a tragedy?  I kept on though, because I was genuinely having a good time and I wanted everyone to do the same.  I didn't want this day to be about anyone or anything other than my best friend and her new wonderful husband.  
After Kellen passed, we had his service to plan and then as soon as that was over I dove into helping Carla with whatever she needed.  Getting her house ready, running errands, whatever she needed.  I started to think maybe I was getting a handle on this grief thing.  Sounds silly now.  How does anyone ever really get a handle on it?  But I found my emotions seemed to be in check and I was able to get through each day functioning as a normal human being.  And then something interesting happened.  Her wedding ended.  I was there doing my bridesmaids duties of cleaning up the venue and loading stuff into the car and I just started sobbing.  "What is wrong with you?" I thought.  Why am I crying right now?  My first thought was the multiple glasses of wine I drank were starting to take effect.  In all seriousness though I think it was because this thing that I had focused on the past couple of weeks was over and now I was left with just myself and my sorrow. 
The next day I started to think about what I could do to distract myself next.  But at what point do the distractions run out?  Eventually I have to just feel it. I don't want to though.  It is the most unbearable pain you could imagine so why would I want to force myself to experience it?  I don't have the answer.  I'm not sure I ever will.  For now, the best I can do is distract myself as much as I can, but give myself permission to have my breakdowns from time to time.  So if you see us over these next few weeks, we know you probably don't know what to say.  We don't expect anyone to have an answer for us.  Just love on us.  Love is what's helping us make it each day.  It is the best distraction from our pain.