My grown up girl

My Dear Farrah,
This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will.  As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big.  This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?"  5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl.  I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives.  I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body.  One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid. 
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you.  You force me to see things differently.  I want to be just like you when I grow up. 
Yesterday you had an "off" day.  While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from.  As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time.  You saw my tears and asked if I was sad.  I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad.  I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven.  He just wanted to see what it was like there before us.  And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there.  That's what I think when I'm sad mom."  How wise you are my sweet girl. 
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family.  But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy.  You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister. 
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer.  Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up.  Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?"  I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad.  I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions. 
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have.  Everyone who knows you sees it.  You are a very special girl. 
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy

Dirty 30

30 something.... not sure I'm used to the sound of that yet.  This past weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday.  Very different from my 29th birthday celebration.  As you can probably tell from the differences between my surprise 29th birthday party pictures...

...and my 30th birthday picture

This year I had to turn down for the sake of my 26 week baby bump.  What a difference a year makes. 
I had plans for what I wanted to see happen by the time I turned 30.  If you know me, you've probably experienced my control freakishness.  I always knew I wanted to be a young mom.  Not Guinness Book of World Records young or anything, but I figured I would be done having kids by the time I turned 30. 
Last night as I was sitting on my couch, staring at our blank walls and packed boxes getting ready for our move I thought about the magnitude of October 29th, 2013.  It isn't just an event that we live with, but an event that has changed the course of our lives.  You may have heard me talk about the difficulties we had with Kellen during my pregnancy and his 11 months.  I won't lie, they were enough for us to decide that we were probably done having kids even though we had always thought we'd have at least 3.  Not long after Kellen left us, I knew I wanted to have more kids.  We needed it as part of our healing process and Farrah desperately wanted to be a big sister again.  It was right for us.  So here I am, expecting baby number 3 past my 30 year old cut off.  Life has a way of changing your well-designed plans. 
Since October 29th, Abe has left his full time sometimes 60-80 hr a week job and now is a domestic dad that works part time when he chooses to take shifts to do what he loves by giving a bride and groom the ultimate dance party on their big day.  And now, we're on the move.  It's something we always knew would come eventually but the idea of bringing a new baby home to this house, in his room, with his memories became too much and we have decided to move on and make new memories in a new house. 
My twenties were very good to me.  Love, marriage, houses, careers, babies and a lot of laughter.  But I will raise a glass of apple cider in hopes that my thirties are even better.  I don't know what tomorrow brings and I now know I certainly can't plan everything, but I can still have hope. 

Strengths and Weaknesses

How on earth is it already July?  The best thing about July for me is that it means fall is almost here!  (Well in my mind that's what I tell myself to distract myself from how ridiculously hot it is.)  One year ago to the day I had this strong desire to get silly matching red, white and blue outfits for every member of my family, set up the camera on automatic and take pictures together.  I guess for some patriotic, good old American family pictures.  Can't explain why I wanted to do this so much.  I love pictures but I'm not one to feel the need to take themed pictures for every holiday.  Whatever the reason, I'm glad we did.  What resulted was one of my favorite family pictures of us. 

Kellen was happy because his mama was holding him, and we all somehow managed to look at the camera at the same time.  My goodness, does this picture make me smile.

I won't lie, it's been a rough past few days. Kellen has not left my mind.  It started a couple morning's ago at my Doctor's appointment.  As I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a dad walking around with his toddler son, I assume waiting for his wife to come out of her appointment.  I instantly thought of Kellen.  He would have been about the same age as this little boy and to see him walking around got that burning feeling in my chest going.  And then the little boy started saying "Mama! Mama!" over and over again and that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore.  The burning in my chest moved up my throat and the tears came down uncontrollably.  Thankfully no one was close enough to me to notice.  I've gotten to a place where for the most part I feel strong.  I can go about my day functioning like a normal person and I can take care of my daughter and be the best wife I can be.  And then there are moments like these when I feel like I'm so weak I can't stand. 

In my previous life I would hear about people losing children and, as most people do, you think "I can't even imagine what that would be like."  But really what you're imagining is indescribable pain, you just have never felt it.  I can attest that it is worse than I ever imagined.  I feel like I'm trapped in a well a mile below the surface knowing there is no way to climb out but still trying over and over again, hoping I can somehow get out of it.  Seeing the light but it's just unattainable.  Weak because I feel helpless, strong because I'm surviving. 

Not long after Kellen left us, we took Farrah to Starbucks to treat her to a Frappuccino and as we were sitting with our drinks I noticed a woman staring at us.  Not in a creepy way, but I could tell she had a sincere sweetness to her.  As we were finishing up she came over and said "I just want you to know, you have a beautiful family and your daughter is beautiful."  She smiled and walked away.  Afterwards I thought about what would have prompted her to notice us and to say that to us.  Had she lost a daughter and seeing Farrah brought back memories?  I'm not sure.  It could have just been a nice lady saying something nice to some people who really needed a lot of love.  I truly hope I can get to a place where instead of tears streaming when I see a little boy clumsily walking around and saying his first words that I can smile like this lady and say "You have a beautiful son."  For now I understand my weaknesses will probably outweigh my strengths and I'm ok with spontaneous tears now and then.  I am human, afterall.

Memories

This morning I could not stop thinking about one of my favorite Kellen memories so I thought I would share it with you all.  It's funny how the things that seemed so little at the time have left such a lasting impact on me. 
Last year sometime late in the summer we were invited by our dear friends to go to an SF Giants game.  They had gotten free tickets and had a couple extra and we really wanted to go but couldn't find last minute child care.  We wanted to go and have some fun with our friends without dragging the kids along but we were forced to either stay home or bring the kids.  We weren't sure how they would both last 9 innings sitting on our laps but we decided to take them along so we didn't miss out all together.
Kellen was in a great mood that day.  I was worried about not being able to put him down since he was in the squirmy phase.  But he did great on our laps.  We took the BART train into the city and the ride in is something I won't forget.  It was packed.  Thankfully someone ended up giving me their seat so I could sit with Kellen.  A few minutes into the ride we went into a tunnel.  It got dark but our reflections popped up in the window and Kellen noticed himself and was very amused by this.  He was smiling and laughing  and then when it would get light outside and his reflection would go away he'd get quiet and stare at the window with confusion until we went through another tunnel and his reflection popped up and he would start laughing all over again.  Pretty soon the whole train took notice and everyone was captivated by this happy boy.  Thankfully, my friend who's been known to take a few pictures, snapped this photo.

I will never forget that day.  Kellen's first and only baseball game.  But more than that, that simple train ride that seemed like nothing at the time.  Kellen caught a lot of people's attention with his innocent smile.  I am so grateful for this memory.

Can't we all just get along?

The internet has been interesting lately.  I don't know if I'm just more aware of it, or if it's becoming more prevalent, but people seem to have a lot of extreme opinions that they would like to share with the world without regard for other people's opposing beliefs. 
As a youngin' (now that I'm almost 30 I can say that), my beliefs were on the liberal side.  A peace and love kind of girl.  Now that I've gained a few years and a few children, I've gotten a little more conservative.... a little.  However this post is not meant to be a political one.  One of the things I love most about this country is that we are all entitled to our own opinions.  And yet it seems like the internet has given people license to say hurtful things.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, why has it become necessary to bash an opposing view in order to validate our own opinions? 
I've had to force myself to stop reading all the "articles" posted on facebook because they usually set me off.  One in particular that set me off a couple weeks ago that was a sponsored ad on facebook (even worse) entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) Christian Celebrities."  I won't even link the article because I don't want to give them any foot traffic.  Again, not to bring up religion or politics, but when I saw the title of the article I was really taken aback.  Especially with some of the hot button issues with minority groups that have been in the news lately.  Why is it ok for us to single out any particular group of people and call them annoying?  Can you imagine if the article was entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) (insert minority group here)?"  There would be an uproar, people would boycott, the website would make a formal apology, we'd talk about it at the water cooler for a few days and eventually, Lindsey Lohan would do something stupid again and we'd all shift our attention to talking about what a train wreck she is. One of their targets was Martin Sheen and he was deemed "annoying" for being pro-life.  Really?  That makes someone annoying?  That's when my days of reading pointless internet articles came to a close.  I'm pretty sure my exact words were "I can't.... I just can't." 
Maybe it's the direction life has taken me, but I have no time for hateful comments towards anyone. We've become such an anti-bullying society (as we very well should) and yet as adults we make exceptions in certain situations.  Why is that? 
Another article I read a while back about the Duggar family opened my eyes to the mean spirited nature of the internet.  I was guilty of judging them myself.  20 kids may cause you to raise an eyebrow.  But what the writer pointed out was that this family has 20 very well behaved children.  Their family is self sufficient, requiring zero assistance from the government.  None of them have been arrested or done anything to make this world a worse place.  So why the hate?  Who cares if their beliefs don't line up with yours?  Shouldn't we be focusing on the people who drain society instead of the ones who have made it better? 
My intention is not to cause a political debate.  If it turns into that then you obviously missed the point of this whole post.  I'm just fortunate enough to have an outlet to blow off some steam for you all to hear :)  So since I'm on a kick of wanting to rid my brain of pointless internet articles I want to finish with something that actually matters.  Losing a child changes you as you've probably noticed from my last 8 months of blog posts.  And this week it was brought to my attention that another family (whom I've never met) put their sweet baby boy to sleep and he didn't wake up.  If you feel inclined to give as so many wonderful people did for us in our time of need, please do so on
https://fundly.com/in-loving-memory-of-maddix
Or give to any other legitimate cause you feel inclined to.  Life is too short to expend energy on the negativity of others.  There are much more important things going on that could really use our attention.

Then and now

This pregnancy is quite different than the last.  For many reasons.  Many of you may remember all the fun complications I had when I was pregnant with Kellen.  Thankfully, I don't have those same complications this time around.  I was holding my breath until the 20 week ultrasound when they would be able to tell if I had the same thing this time and, thankfully, that was not the case. 
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be.  She's been praying for another brother or sister.  But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby.  She almost seems cautiously excited.  The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes.  Again, I didn't know how to answer that question.  She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her.  I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house.  He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's. 
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened.  I was always the parent that didn't worry too much.  Kids will be kids, right?  She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever!  She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine.  But it's different now.  Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you.  If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids.  I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes.  I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates.  And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind.  I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit.  I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down.  I have to see her move a little bit.  I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person.  A different mom.  A different wife.  A different friend.  But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger.  While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier.  The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy.  I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so).  But now I can cry at the drop of a hat.  Doesn't take much.  This experience has forced me to feel more.  One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us.  My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy.  My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again.  Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy. 
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer.  "Is this your first child?"  "Nope."  "Your second?"  In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer.  While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child.  I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen.  I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others.  It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do. 
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy."  I understood what they meant.  Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby.  But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me.  If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction.  But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby.  I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts.  And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will.  But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed.  As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same.  The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process.  Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.)  So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity.  I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)  

Going to the Chapel

I got married yesterday.  No, Abe and I aren't having problems and I didn't run off with someone new.  Abe and I got married.  Let me explain..... Farrah has always thought for some reason that every time you get married you have a baby.  So those Duggars with 19 kids... married 19 times in her eyes.  And as a parent, of course you want to foster the idea that babies are equated with marriage so we never corrected her.  So as our way of sharing some special news with her we threw ourselves a weddin'!  As Abe said, it's not a wedding it's a weddin' because we're using paper plates.
We sent her an invitation

And then we got hitched!

And then we told her that she is going to be a big sister again.  I was so excited to see her face.  She had literally been praying to be a big sister again.  It was so hard not to tell her but we wanted to wait a while just to spare her any heartache if we told her too early.  Her face was priceless.  She was so excited. She kept asking if it was real or if we were pretending.

We kept the party going with a present for Farrah to open.  Inside were either pink or blue balloons.  We were all finding out together.  Before we opened it she started praying.  Don't know what she was praying for but she seemed happy with the results!

 Team Blue!

We went outside to send some balloons to heaven per our tradition to let Kellen know he was going to be a big brother.

So while October of 2013 brought us the biggest heartache of our lives when we lost our son, October of 2014 will give us some of our joy back when we welcome a new son to our family.  God is good.

A huge thank you to our friends for being the "photographers/officiant/planners" of our big day :)