If there's one thing I'm sure people don't understand about me right now it's some of the choices I've made to take on more right now. It may seem like now is the time for me to slow down to a halt and just be grateful if I made it through a day. And there are days that are just like that. Days where I find myself crying because I passed by his room and it brought up a memory and emotion and I just can't seem to get it together. Days like that, I allow it to happen. I don't force myself to do anything I'm not up for. But if I'm feeling functional, I'm trying to leverage that to keep moving forward positively. If not, then most of my days will be consumed by sadness and that's not a good mental state for everyone. So while some of our choices right now may cause you to raise an eyebrow, please know that we're doing what's best for us.
I myself, have been guilty of judging situations like this in the past. In the news a while back there was a story about a man named Dr. William Petit. His home was broken into by 2 men and his wife and two daughters were murdered and he was the only one left alive. A few years later it came up that he was getting remarried and then that him and his new wife were expecting a baby. I immediately went in to a judgmental mode. How could he do that? So soon? Like they never existed? I thought about it again the other day, and while it's not to say I would make the same choices in his situation, I feel for him and I understand he made that choice. I feel like a huge piece of me is gone and never coming back. I can't imagine if my entire family was ripped away from me how I would feel. The piece that I wasn't understanding was that he wanted and needed to feel happy again. How can you fault someone for that?
Here's a few things I've been doing differently since Kellen passed. There is a method behind my madness. Please understand I will never feel the need to justify our choices, but this blog is about our life and so I'm excited to share with you what's going on with us.
- A healthier me! I used to be super fit in college (why do I feel like I'm not the only one that has uttered those words?) But after I entered the "real world" it seemed as if that slipped from my priority list. So much so that I went from working out daily to never. We got a gym membership back in June but I was hit or miss with going. I'd go a 2-3 times per week for a little bit, then take a couple weeks off from going. When Kellen passed, one of the things that really struck me was how my perfectly healthy little man's body just stopped working. And here I am, sitting on the couch, not using my body to stay healthy. I think about him when I'm driving to the gym. I usually go in the morning. It's quiet on the drive so I have some time to reflect. When I don't feel like going, I have a much stronger image in my head then most people do to force me out the door. I want to make healthier choices for him, for my family, and for myself. So when I hear people telling me to take it easy, I usually brush it off. I'm sure you can tell by looking at me that I'm not wasting away so not to worry, I'm just working on being healthy. I'm still working on the food part. Sugar is my downfall. Guilty as charged. But I'm working on it.
- Along the same lines, much less TV. I used to watch a few shows throughout the day. Now, because of a combination of no time, and not wanting to use the time I do have to watch TV, I'm usually only watching one show at night with my hubby before bed. I have so many shows set to automatically record on my DVR (hello Judge Judy!) that have gotten so backed up I'm sure I couldn't watch them all in my lifetime. I used to think of watching shows on my DVR as checking off something on my to do list. Seriously. It sounds bad when I type it out, probably because it is. But I would seriously think, Oh I need to get to those shows I've been meaning to watch. Seriously?
- Career choices. I'm used to this one. People typically don't get what I do. At first, I tried to convince them that I was making the right choice for me. All I did was frustrate myself even more so I stopped doing that. I just put my head down, put my blinders on and went to work. It seems to have reappeared recently, however. Mostly because Abe and I made the decision for him to leave his full time job to be home and for me to start working my business more. It was always in our plans to do this, but Kellen just fast forwarded our plans. As Abe has put it "The gift Kellen has given me is to allow me to be home with the people that matter most." So naturally, the questions start to come up about our plans now. Our plan is just that. I will work more and Abe will stay home. He will be a stay-at-home dad and help me in the office for the business. Like I had mentioned in a previous post, people sometimes feel the need to fix the situation, this is another thing they feel the need to fix. They offer suggestions as to what I could do, or what Abe could do, and I always just smile and nod. One of these days I may just say "Oh yes... my degree I totally forgot about that thing! You're right, I should totally use that! Thanks for the suggestion!" I hope you all understand my tone in all this. I'm not angry when people say these things, I'm just amused.
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