Breath of Heaven

As I laid in bed last night, my thoughts racing, I said a quick prayer that God would hold me together today.  I was reminded of a Christmas song by Amy Grant called "Breath of Heaven."  It's about Mary realizing the great responsibility of carrying the Son of God. 

"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now."

While my situation is obviously a much different one, I still found myself dwelling for a few moments on this load that we have been given.  I try not to stay in this negative space for too long.  It will totally consume you if you do.  That is not a good space for anyone to be in.  Especially on Christmas.  But every once in a while I allow myself to have a pity party.   Last night was one of those times.  

I couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas is to us now, and what it will be for us for the rest of our lives.  It's nothing like I thought it was before.  Did we buy gifts for Farrah?  Sure.  Did we decorate?  Yep.  Are we celebrating with our family today?  Of course.  But it will never be the same.  

I know this sounds silly but sometimes I let my imagination run away with me and just picture someone busting into our house holding Kellen and yelling "We made a mistake!  He's fine, here he is."  That somehow he will come back home.  I wonder what he would be doing this Christmas.  Would he be walking?  He was very close to that point right before he went to heaven.  Would he be saying any words?  What presents would we have gotten him?  I could go on and on.  

Yesterday we went to his grave.  It was the first time we have been back since the service.  In away it was even harder than his service.  There was no hustle and bustle.  No flowers, family, Pastors, balloons released or anything but us and his little stone. One of my many "ugly cry" moments of the past few days.
My best friends made us a beautiful gift.  She is the queen of pinterest without being on pinterest.  She comes up with the best ideas.  Those of you that knew Kellen whether you met him in person or just saw his pictures on facebook got to see the many expressions he had. I swear he never made the same face twice.  So they created a "How am I feeling today?' board.  There are lots of pictures of Kellen on there and Abe, Farrah and myself each have our own ring to hang our picture on how we may be feeling that day. 

Most days I don't even know how to feel.  I'm so all over the board (no pun intended) with my emotions that I think my ring will be on a permanent state of:

 Farrah keeps saying she's happy and hangs hers on one of his many happy faces.  She always asks why mine is on a sad face.  I explain to her it's ok to be sad.  We just really miss Kellen and sometimes that comes out with happy memories and sometimes we're just sad.  I won't lie, sadness has been a pretty common feeling for me.  If I'm not thinking about him, I'm ok so you may see me looking happy and I probably am in that moment, but the second I start to think about him or see his picture, it's an instant, overwhelming feeling of sadness and I can cry at the drop of a hat.  It doesn't take much. Thankfully I have a few crying face pictures to hang my ring on in those moments.

More than anything, when I think of Kellen I think of his huge, over the top smile.  So today I'm choosing to hang my ring on this picture.  One of the pure joy he exuded everyday.  He was a joy.  He was my joy. 

 So as we head into 2014 I just pray that God helps hold us together.  For now, that's all I could possibly ask for. 

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy."