Fears

We are still waiting on the final report from the coroner about what exactly happened with Kellen.  It's such a hard thing to wait for.  I'm not exactly sure what to be thinking.  The day he passed when we were talking with the coroner, he said they would do an initial autopsy and if they didn't find anything, they would have to send his bloodwork to the a lab on the east coast and it could take up to 90 days to hear anything.  The initial autopsy showed nothing.... and so we wait.
We were certainly aware of SIDS, I mean they send you home with paperwork about it, your pediatrician makes sure you're following all the suggestions, you just don't think it would never happen to you.  I struggle with the fact that Kellen was 11 months old.  It's so rare for SIDS to occur at that age.  Of course he was sleeping on his stomach.  He was rolling over by 6 months and at 11 months he was rolling around in his crib, sitting up, pulling himself up to standing and holding on to the rails of his crib.  Not exactly the phase you're worried about something like this happening. 
After this happened, I've done more research and stumbled on the story of a family that lost their baby to SIDS when she fell asleep on her dad's chest and they both napped together.  We have all seen those pictures.  Here's one of Abe and Farrah doing the same thing.

I can't imagine that family's heartbreak. I thought I would pass it along, just to remind everyone it's not safe. 
Anyhow, as a new mom, I always thought that SIDS was my worst fear.  I even remember telling my best friends about my worst fear long before Kellen was even born.  And now that I have lived through it, and I wait for the results, it's strangely become what I hope to hear.  If I hear back that it was SIDS, I feel as though I can release it, that it was a fluke, and not something that I somehow missed or overlooked.  I've been able to wrap my brain around SIDS, but I don't know how to feel if it comes back as something else.  He went to sleep peacefully and just didn't wake up.  That's what I have to keep telling myself. 
As you can imagine, living through your worst fear changes you.  And surprisingly, it's not all bad.  Not many little things scare me anymore.  I'm not afraid to step out of my comfort zone like I sometimes was before.  I'm not afraid of failing when I try something new.  And I'm certainly not afraid to let people know how I feel as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. 
Something that stood out to me on this topic recently was the show "Long Island Medium."  For those of you that haven't seen it, this fantastic lady with big blonde hair and ridiculously long nails is able to communicate with people that have passed away in her fantastic Long Island accent, all while wearing stilettos.  It's a pretty awesome show.  I used to watch that show and with most of the stories I would get pretty emotional.  Especially the ones where they had lost a spouse or a child.  So I finally decided to watch it again.  I had a few episodes saved on my DVR and one night when Abe was working late, I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, warm blanket, and my box of tissues ready.  I made it through all 3 episodes and not a single tear.  There was even a story on one of the episodes about a woman that had lost her son and still, nothing.  The only thing I could come up with as to why the show didn't have the same effect on me is that before I would watch and think "I can't even imagine.  I just can't even imagine.  That's my worst fear."  And now well......
I'm sure it may come across as a tad bitter, that I've become jaded.  I really don't think that's it.  I just think my heart can't possibly be the same as it was before.  A new sweet friend of mine that also lost her son to SIDS said so eloquently, when something like this happens your heart shatters into a million pieces like dropping a plate on the floor, and as time goes on, Farrah and any other children we may have will help glue back together all the pieces but it will never be the same plate as it was before.