(Almost) 3 weeks of Evan

Sleepless nights, endless feedings (both the baby and me), baby talk, no clue why he's crying.... ahh yes... it's all coming back to me.  Life with a newborn again has been crazy but fun.  I have completely fallen in love with a little guy who couldn't pick me out of a line up at this point and I'm completely ok with that.
The delivery was very emotional as you probably could have guessed.  I'm much more aware of the preciousness of life and how something could easily go wrong.  I was worried about the baby and myself.  But we're just fine.  The nurses and doctors were all so wonderfully understanding of our circumstances.  And when they placed him on my chest for the first time and I said "he looks like Kellen," I'm pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the room.
And then came the time to leave the hospital and take this perfect little person home with us.  I've always tried to be very honest on this blog so I'm not afraid to admit that the first week was very hard.  And not the typical things new parents complain about, lack of sleep, needing a break, etc.  But it was very difficult for me because I was so worried and anxious about him.  Neither Abe or I was comfortable with him sleeping without one of us watching him so we took turns in the middle of the night being awake while he slept and we just watched him.  I knew going into this that that would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult.  A couple nights in I was watching him sleep, swaddled up tight when his arms escaped out the top and the swaddle blanket came up over his face.  I jumped up to move it out of his face and he went back to sleep.  I sat there and sobbed. Postpartum hormones are no joke but add anxiety over the safety of your child to that and it will take it's toll.  So that was the end of the swaddle blankets.
Thankfully the anxiety has subsided a bit (definitely not all the way but a bit).  We have a monitor attached to him when he sleeps that gives us peace of mind but also freaks us out if it goes off as a false alarm.  Needless to say when we are sleeping, we sleep very lightly and constantly wake up to check him.  Abe and I have many middle of the night "speed dates" when I wake up to poke the baby and make sure he's breathing and I see Abe is awake and doing the same thing.

 And then there's the love.  As any mom will explain, I have no favorite child.  I love all my children equally and each time I have another one, my heart somehow creates enough space for each of them to have 100% of my heart.  Just trust me on the math.  But when I think about the love I have for Evan, it is different than anything I've experienced before.  I have a healthy obsession with this little guy.  I want to stare at him all day long.  There is something amazing that he has done to help heal my heart when it seemed that nothing in the world could possibly help repair what I had lost.  I don't want him to feel the burden of being the "savior child."  I don't want him to feel like his only purpose on earth was to make his mom and dad feel better.  But I will say that he has done for us what nothing else possibly could.  I now fully understand the value of life and I will have a deeper love for this little guy than I ever could have imagined all thanks to his big brother.  I realize how lucky we are to have him and that our tomorrows aren't promised.  We are soaking up every moment with him.  Even the 2am wake up call... and the 3am wake up call... and the 4am wake up call :)
Baby faces, baby snuggles, unconditional love.... ahh yes... it's all coming back to me.

1 year later

I realize I haven't updated my blog in a while.  There's a lot to share with Mr. Evan's arrival but today, for me, is about Kellen.  Exactly one year ago I woke up to every parent's worst nightmare.  I'd love to say that day was a blur, but I remember every detail of that day and could probably give you a minute by minute account of all the details if you ask.  To this day I still can't set my alarm for 6:15 am because that's the time that my alarm went off that morning and I panicked realizing he hadn't woken up for his feeding in the middle of the night. 

We have survived.  Most people would have understood if we crawled into a hole and just existed the rest of our lives.  But we have chosen to live and I'm pretty damn proud of us.  I struggle with the message we give that you could possibly lose a child and still live a full life.  But I know that choosing joy in our lives will never take away the pain of losing a piece of our hearts.  

When I was recovering in the hospital after having Evan, they sent a social worker into my room to chat with me.  I knew it was coming.  I'm sure my file has all kinds of red flags in it.  She said the Doctor's wanted her to talk to me because they were concerned I may not have had enough time to grieve before having another baby.  While the intentions were genuine, I shook my head thinking there is no expiration on grief.  I will forever grieve the loss of my son.  No amount of time will pass where I'll feel better and be ready to be done with this grief thing.  However, I heard a song on the radio that put words around how I'm feeling now.  It's by Danny Gokey and as I drove in my car I listened to the words of the song and stared at the new sleeping baby in the rear view mirror and the tears would not stop coming.  

"I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end.
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind.
I've seen the dark and the broken places.
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright.

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find.
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind.

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining.
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright.

There's hope in front of me.
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me.
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night,
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side.

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I've got to believe.
I still have hope.
You are my hope."

I love you my sweet Kellen.  1 year later.... forever more.  Until we meet again. 

11 months here, 11 months gone

Exactly 11 months ago, on his 11 month birthday, Kellen passed away.  In a way I've been quietly dreading this day more than the upcoming 1 year anniversary.  There's a significance to this day that gives me an uneasy feeling.  Starting tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here. 
The 29th is going to be an interesting day these next few months.  This month is the 11 months here/11 months gone day, next month is the 1 year anniversary, and the following month would be his 2nd birthday.  My greatest fear about today is that now that he's been gone longer than he was here, I'll be expected to move on.  That this time that has passed somehow erases the time he was here.  I can't speak for all grieving parents, but I feel strongly that part of the battle I go through is between wanting so badly to "feel normal" again and "move on" but being sickened by the idea of the possibility that I could ever move on.  There is no moving on. 
So 11 months later, I think I'll spend this day remembering the 11 months I had with him.  Our new house has little touches of him that make us smile.  His star map given to us by a dear friend that had a star named after him.

 Our joy sign to remind us of the joy he brought us.  Joy upon joy upon joy.

 And my jewelry box with his picture on it given to me by a family member that I see every morning when I get ready.  He was a true mama's boy. 

Life is unpredictable friends.  11 months from now your life could be completely different than it is now.  Enjoy the time you have with the people you love.  Whether you're at work or at home, be in the moment.  Your life deserves your attention. 

Prepping for baby Evan

We have about 3 1/2 weeks until Evan's expected arrival.  Dare I say I am so ready?  I'm feeling huge.... like giant status.  These past few days have been a little better because I can tell he's dropped a little.  Not so high up in my ribs.  When you sound out of breath putting on your shoes, that's a problem. 

 

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Everything looks great!  Heartbeat is good, his head is down  and measuring right on schedule.  Now we wait.
I can't wait to see what he looks like.  I think it will feel more real when I can see his face.  I wonder if he will look like his sister, his brother, or his own little self.  Farrah definitely has the darker features from her daddy's side and Kellen had some of the lighter features from both of us. 
I am pretty nervous.  I have no idea what emotions will surface during the delivery and adjusting to life going from 1 to 2 kids at home again.  I hate to say it but I got used to being a mom of 1 again.  1 person to give all my attention to.  Now I'll have 2 to devote my time to.  It's a strange yet familiar feeling. 
I keep referring to Evan as Kellen by accident.  In fact when I first wrote the title of this blog I wrote Kellen by accident instead of Evan.  Abe does the same thing.  I'm sure once he's here and I can see him, my brain will start working again.  At least I hope.  I want him to be his own person.  I don't want him to be his brother's replacement.  He deserves his own story.  He is a gift from God. And like the meaning of his name says, "God is good." 
Evan's room is pretty much ready for him, we've got the diapers, the itty bitty clothes, and all the things that make you say "oooh... ahhhh" at a baby shower.  We're as ready as we can be here in the house, we'll just have to take it one day at a time once you come home with us. 
Farrah couldn't be more excited.  I'm looking forward to seeing her make the face again she used to make when she was around Kellen.  This look of pure joy that you can't possibly contain when you want to squeeze a cute baby but restrain yourself.  That's the best way I can describe that face. 
Lots to look forward to in our house.  We have a lot of people rooting for us.  We couldn't possibly be more grateful.  Just don't be offended when I bathe you in hand sanitizer when you come to visit after he comes.  This chick is a paranoid 3rd time mama. :)

Twice the grief

I was driving the other day down the country road that leads to our new house.  I've found this time I've been spending driving down this road has been filled with thoughts about Kellen, thoughts about life now, and pretty much any deep thinking I do. 
On this particular day I started thinking about everyone else that Kellen's death has effected.  There have been many people that have told me how much Kellen's death has impacted them. I am forever grateful for the number of lives he touched.  But on this day I was thinking of the lives he impacted while he was still here.... close friends and family. 
Someone suggested a book to me entitled "Grandparents cry twice: Help for bereaved grandparents."  While I haven't read it yet, I understand the concept, and on this particular drive on this particular day it got my mind racing.  How difficult is must be for my parents and Abe's parents.  They are grieving the loss of their grandson, and at the same time they are grieving for us.  As parents all we want to do is protect our kids from harm.  Heck there are times I'm at the playground with Farrah and some random kid won't give her a turn on the swing and it tugs at my heartstrings.  I can't imagine watching your children suffer such deep pain knowing there's nothing you can do.  They certainly don't get the kind of attention they deserve in this process.  In typical parent fashion, their pain takes a back seat to ours. 
And then there's the aunts and the uncles.  The ones who got to spoil him, play with him, love him, and give him back to his parents at the end of the day.  They knew only the fun, the love and the joy and then they get the crushing blow when they got the call that day.  I'm sure they longed for more time with him, as we all did.  I'm sure they try to make sense of it all, as we all do.  They experience the same sadness, anger and confusion we all do. 
Of course, we have our friends.  The ones who love our kids as if they're their own.  And now he's gone and not only do they grieve his loss, but they're left with different friends.  I'm not naïve to think Abe and I are the same friends we were before this happened.  Abe and I took vows, for better or worse.  Our friends don't have to love us through it.  There are still days when I'm in a mood and can't bear much of anything, and I wouldn't fault them for being over it.  But they somehow seem to understand.  They're still there despite it all. 
Miss Farrah has not forgotten either.  I'm happy in a sense, because I never want her to forget her brother, but I hate to see her hurting in any way.  Because of her age, I think people brush her grief aside.  But she has real feelings and real hurt.  She asked her teacher at school the other day if they could write a note to Kellen in heaven so they did.  She likes to draw pictures of him.  And sometimes, if she's in a silly mood, she will pretend like he's here playing with her. 
I have not forgotten that you all played a huge part of his life and I imagine his death has effected you more than others think.  Thank you for loving us through this.  Kellen was so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

Vows

This past weekend we attended my cousin's wedding.  It was a beautiful outdoor wedding in the Napa Valley in the middle of a vineyard.  As we sat listening to the happy couple recite their vows, surrounded by millions of grapes and lots of couples who had recited similar vows on their own special days, I couldn't help but squeeze Abe's hand just a little tighter.  We've all heard that we're supposed to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and so on and so forth.  I wonder what most people think of when they get to that part.  I'll be the first to admit that I was pretty naïve when I thought about what obstacles we may have to overcome.  I expected the standard financial struggles, job changes and moves.  We're good people.  I guess I didn't think about really bad things happening.  Those types of things don't happen to people like us. 
We woke up in the middle of the night when the big earthquake hit.  Our hotel room was shaking all around but thankfully there was no damage.  We went back to sleep and woke up the next morning to learn of some of the devastating damage in many parts of Napa.  Some people lost their homes and everything in it.  Others were critically injured.  For better or for worse.  Vows put to the test. 
I hope that we've had to deal with the worst of it.  But I also know we're only barely 30 and hopefully have a lot of life left.  Our vows have certainly been tested.  Not just the grief of losing a child, but both of our post traumatic stress demons we carry after finding our son the way we did.  I wouldn't blame him for taking it out on me and I'm sure he wouldn't either.  But we're coming up on a year since it happened and, so far, I can say we have loved each other for worse... there hasn't been much better. 

Our son Evan will be here in less than 2 months and we'll embark on the stressful journey of a newborn.  In my previous life, I categorized that under the "for worse" part of marriage.  Lack of sleep, crying (mostly the baby but sometimes me when I don't get sleep), and the tendency to snap at your partner.  But in my new life I'm considering this to be a "for better" part.  I'll just squeeze Abe's hand a little tighter and keep on going, for better or for worse.

Selfishness

It feels good to be writing again!  It sounds silly because of all of the things going on in the world but we've been living without internet for the past several weeks and it stinks!  Who knew how much we rely on it, especially working from home?! 
We're finally getting settled in our new home.  It's taking some adjustment to get used to the new set up, the new neighborhood and all that comes along with it but it's starting to feel like home. 
We still don't have blinds up because it's a brand new house so I tend to wake up early when the sun comes up.  The other night, or morning I suppose, I laid in bed as the sun was rising and I was thinking about the choices we've made in the aftermath of October 29th, and I was proud to say, we've been a bit selfish.  I'm sure many people haven't understood some of the choices we've made.  Some have been quiet if they didn't agree and some have raised some eyebrows.  I will never feel the need to justify our choices to anyone.  So when I get the raised eyebrows I smile and bite my tongue.  I could go on an on explaining it away but what's the point?  Not many people have had to walk our path, and I hope they never have to. 
Was it hard for us to leave a home so close to our best friends in the world?  Absolutely!  Was it hard for Abe to walk away from a good paying job to be home?  Yes, and no :).  Is it hard for me to turn down playdates from time to time knowing that I'm taking my business in a new direction so I need to focus on growing it?  Definitely!  Do we have mixed feelings about having another baby so quickly?  Of course!  We're happy and we're sad.  Don't know that waiting any longer would have changed those emotions.  We are different people now.  Our priorities have shifted.  For however long it takes we need to be selfish right now.  My sole focus is my family.  Maybe that makes me a bad friend... I hope not.  I hope others understand.  We have the opportunity now for us to live the life we dreamed before Kellen passed.  And quite frankly, I'm mad I didn't try to make it happen sooner.  Kellen is my example that life is precious and sometimes, way too short. 
I have been known to be a people pleaser in the past.  I just love to keep the peace and see people happy.  But I have to say, it feels good to be selfish every once in a while.  You should try it sometime!

This one's for you little man!  Living our lives to the fullest since yours was cut short.