Today marks 3 months since you went to be with Jesus. I can't believe we've made it this far. I worry about you up there. You're just a baby and I'm so used to taking care of you. I'm your mom so it's my job to worry. I guess you're in the best hands I could ever ask for.
Farrah talks about you all the time.... like all the time. But I'm sure you already knew that. She always tries to play with you. She runs around the house saying you're chasing her. She falls to the ground and says you knocked her down. She says you wake her up at night so you two can play. I didn't realize it was possible to warm my heart and break my heart at the same time.
There's not much to say on this day other than we miss you terribly and love you to heaven and back.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Case of the Mondays
It's Monday so you know what that means..... facebook blows up with people complaining about what day it is. Counting down the days until the weekend despite the fact they were just weekending less than 12 hours ago. I get it.... really I do. A study recently came out that for the first time ever, more than 50% of people hate their jobs. So I guess I can understand why at least half of you hate Mondays.
I, on the other hand, happen to like Mondays most of the time. Sometimes I might even say I love them. There's something about a fresh start that makes me happy. If you had a bad week, now is your chance to change the outcome of this week. A mental reset button of sorts.
I grew up around many people that worked very hard, but I would never say any of them loved their jobs. There is something to be said for people who continue to work hard, regardless of their feelings about their jobs, don't get me wrong. But part of me always wondered, if you're not happy, why don't your change it?
If you've learned anything at all from reading my blog, I hope it's that you realize how short life can be and the importance of time. The time we do have, and the time we may not have. I pray the rest of you don't have to learn that lesson the way I did and instead just decide today to take advantage of the time you do have so that you can look back on your life with no regrets.
Hear my heart, I'm not telling you to run into work today, give your boss the finger and say "peace out." But if you're not happy about something in your life, change it. If it's something you can't change, pray for peace about it. Simple as that. I'm not saying everyday will be easy. We've all been dealt cards we feel are unfair, but I'm astounded at how many people are willing to stay in an unhappy situation, rather than dig deep to change it.
I have no idea how many of my friends read this blog, but if you have read this one and it has pulled on your heartstrings a bit, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you post something on your facebook page today about something great that happened to you? Small or big, it doesn't matter. Positive status updates and pictures seem to be few and far between, especially on a Monday. I would love nothing more than to hear from my friends about all the great things that are going on in their lives.
Happy Monday friends!
I, on the other hand, happen to like Mondays most of the time. Sometimes I might even say I love them. There's something about a fresh start that makes me happy. If you had a bad week, now is your chance to change the outcome of this week. A mental reset button of sorts.
I grew up around many people that worked very hard, but I would never say any of them loved their jobs. There is something to be said for people who continue to work hard, regardless of their feelings about their jobs, don't get me wrong. But part of me always wondered, if you're not happy, why don't your change it?
If you've learned anything at all from reading my blog, I hope it's that you realize how short life can be and the importance of time. The time we do have, and the time we may not have. I pray the rest of you don't have to learn that lesson the way I did and instead just decide today to take advantage of the time you do have so that you can look back on your life with no regrets.
Hear my heart, I'm not telling you to run into work today, give your boss the finger and say "peace out." But if you're not happy about something in your life, change it. If it's something you can't change, pray for peace about it. Simple as that. I'm not saying everyday will be easy. We've all been dealt cards we feel are unfair, but I'm astounded at how many people are willing to stay in an unhappy situation, rather than dig deep to change it.
I have no idea how many of my friends read this blog, but if you have read this one and it has pulled on your heartstrings a bit, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you post something on your facebook page today about something great that happened to you? Small or big, it doesn't matter. Positive status updates and pictures seem to be few and far between, especially on a Monday. I would love nothing more than to hear from my friends about all the great things that are going on in their lives.
Happy Monday friends!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Realizations
It's good to be writing again. Things have been busy lately. I just got back from a business trip to New Orleans. That was an adventure in itself. As I was leaving the house to head to the airport I felt pretty anxious. It was my first time being away from family since Kellen passed. Everything has an entirely different meaning now. The littlest things become the biggest things and the big things become little.
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio. Bear with me on this one. I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life." I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is. You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs.
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed." I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like. My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life. The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways. Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?"
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not. Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day. Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private. What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could. Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life. There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now. It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now. But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life. My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself.
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen. The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have. I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet. A pleasant surprise. Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again. I love his little face in the picture. My sweet little boy. Oh how we miss you.
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio. Bear with me on this one. I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life." I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is. You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs.
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed." I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like. My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life. The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways. Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?"
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not. Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day. Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private. What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could. Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life. There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now. It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now. But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life. My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself.
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen. The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have. I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet. A pleasant surprise. Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again. I love his little face in the picture. My sweet little boy. Oh how we miss you.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
God and other things nobody likes to talk about
I didn't grow up going to church. I think I went to some sort of preschool camp churchy thing at one point but that was the extent of it. Not because my parents didn't believe in God, but they just never made it a priority. A few years ago I felt the need to to join a church. I went on a quest for the perfect church. We tried several churches and it felt like we were just doing something we were supposed to do but nothing felt quite right. Until we found our current church. As close to perfect in my eyes as a church could be. Welcoming, people from different walks of life, a feeling of home. So we became regular attenders. But I still felt as though my level of faith was no where near a lot of Christians I knew. Then Kellen passed away. Was I angry? Yes. I still am. Was I angry at God? No. It's not to say that won't change. I'm no expert on grief just because I've been immersed in it for a couple months. But at this point, God is the only thing that brings me comfort.
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering. One of them was an atheist. I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs. I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK. But something he said stood out to me. He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again. I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years. I think about it often, especially now. It makes me sad. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again. If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now.
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in. I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again. Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us. Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :)
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known. Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days. Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card. When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart. Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet. It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card. Just seeing his name still gets me emotional. Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room. I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while. I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music. This was Kellen's favorite toy. His absolute favorite. I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it. He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that. So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him. I knew Kellen was trying to say hi. As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him.
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around. Until we meet again, sweet boy.
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering. One of them was an atheist. I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs. I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK. But something he said stood out to me. He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again. I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years. I think about it often, especially now. It makes me sad. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again. If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now.
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in. I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again. Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us. Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :)
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known. Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days. Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card. When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart. Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet. It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card. Just seeing his name still gets me emotional. Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room. I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while. I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music. This was Kellen's favorite toy. His absolute favorite. I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it. He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that. So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him. I knew Kellen was trying to say hi. As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him.
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around. Until we meet again, sweet boy.
Monday, December 30, 2013
My 2013
How cliche is it for me to say this year went by so fast? Well it did! Seems like that's the case every year. This year has obviously been different than most. When I think on what I want for 2014 I'm at a loss for how to feel. Yes, I do have hopes and goals, but it's not the same as before. Everyone always says things like "I just hope for my family and friends to be happy and healthy. That's all I could ask for." Well what happens when your family is not all healthy and happy? What does that mean for us?
I struggle with a combination of feeling extremely blessed by all that we do have, but on the other hand, if I don't have my son, what does it mean anyway?
I'm really quite shocked at what this blog has turned into this year. I started this blog almost 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Farrah as a way to keep our out of town family and friends in the loop with what was going on in our lives. On average I would say I had about 20 views of my blog per post. Then, the first post I wrote after Kellen passed has had 1772 views to date. I don't think I even know that many people. I can't even begin to thank everyone for what they've done for us this year. If there's one thing I've learned from this year it's that we have the best family and friends on the entire planet. Literally.... I checked, it's science. Thank you for loving us, loving this blog and showing us that Kellen's life mattered to you all.
Abe and I are the first to admit that we maybe took on a lot early in our relationship, more than others thought was wise. We got married somewhat young, we bought a house young, we had kids right after we got married. Was it the right choice for us? Yes. Would I recommend it for everyone? No. This year has brought a lot more changes for us. Other than the obvious, we have made adjustments to our lifestyle based on our priorities. Abe left a great job so that he could be a stay at home dad. We've never shied away from making the right choice for us because we were afraid of what others would think.
While I'm mostly an open book, there's one thing that I feel I should keep to myself on this public platform of a blog, and that's my relationship with my husband. I think most things about us should stay between us. But what I will say is that I have never been more clear that I married the most perfect man on the planet for me. I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else by my side. He holds me up when I don't think I can stand one more minute, and I hope I do the same for him too. I thank God everyday for placing him in my life.
So 2014, what do you hold for us? When I ask myself that question the only image that comes to mind is Abe, Farrah and I holding hands and walking down a dirt road together. So I guess I just pray that we continue moving forward. That we can continue to walk together as a family, hand in hand. That's all I could really ask for.
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This picture was taken on October 28th. The day before Kellen grew his angel wings. I realized I didn't have a picture of my 2 kiddos together as the backdrop for my phone so I told Farrah to kiss her brother and I snapped this one and I set it as my wallpaper. I can't bring myself to change it. I wouldn't be surprised if it stays there forever. I will cherish this poor quality, Iphone picture for the rest of my life. This is how I want to remember my 2013.
I struggle with a combination of feeling extremely blessed by all that we do have, but on the other hand, if I don't have my son, what does it mean anyway?
I'm really quite shocked at what this blog has turned into this year. I started this blog almost 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Farrah as a way to keep our out of town family and friends in the loop with what was going on in our lives. On average I would say I had about 20 views of my blog per post. Then, the first post I wrote after Kellen passed has had 1772 views to date. I don't think I even know that many people. I can't even begin to thank everyone for what they've done for us this year. If there's one thing I've learned from this year it's that we have the best family and friends on the entire planet. Literally.... I checked, it's science. Thank you for loving us, loving this blog and showing us that Kellen's life mattered to you all. Abe and I are the first to admit that we maybe took on a lot early in our relationship, more than others thought was wise. We got married somewhat young, we bought a house young, we had kids right after we got married. Was it the right choice for us? Yes. Would I recommend it for everyone? No. This year has brought a lot more changes for us. Other than the obvious, we have made adjustments to our lifestyle based on our priorities. Abe left a great job so that he could be a stay at home dad. We've never shied away from making the right choice for us because we were afraid of what others would think.
While I'm mostly an open book, there's one thing that I feel I should keep to myself on this public platform of a blog, and that's my relationship with my husband. I think most things about us should stay between us. But what I will say is that I have never been more clear that I married the most perfect man on the planet for me. I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else by my side. He holds me up when I don't think I can stand one more minute, and I hope I do the same for him too. I thank God everyday for placing him in my life.
So 2014, what do you hold for us? When I ask myself that question the only image that comes to mind is Abe, Farrah and I holding hands and walking down a dirt road together. So I guess I just pray that we continue moving forward. That we can continue to walk together as a family, hand in hand. That's all I could really ask for.
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Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Breath of Heaven
As I laid in bed last night, my thoughts racing, I said a quick prayer that God would hold me together today. I was reminded of a Christmas song by Amy Grant called "Breath of Heaven." It's about Mary realizing the great responsibility of carrying the Son of God.
"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now."
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now."
While
my situation is obviously a much different one, I still found myself
dwelling for a few moments on this load that we have been given. I try
not to stay in this negative space for too long. It will totally
consume you if you do. That is not a good space for anyone to be in.
Especially on Christmas. But every once in a while I allow myself to
have a pity party. Last night was one of those times.
I
couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas is to us now, and what it
will be for us for the rest of our lives. It's nothing like I thought
it was before. Did we buy gifts for Farrah? Sure. Did we decorate?
Yep. Are we celebrating with our family today? Of course. But it will
never be the same.
I know this sounds
silly but sometimes I let my imagination run away with me and just
picture someone busting into our house holding Kellen and yelling "We
made a mistake! He's fine, here he is." That somehow he will come back
home. I wonder what he would be doing this Christmas. Would he be
walking? He was very close to that point right before he went to
heaven. Would he be saying any words? What presents would we have
gotten him? I could go on and on.
Yesterday
we went to his grave. It was the first time we have been back since
the service. In away it was even harder than his service. There was no
hustle and bustle. No flowers, family, Pastors, balloons released or
anything but us and his little stone. One of my many "ugly cry" moments of the past few days.
My best friends made us a beautiful gift. She is the queen of pinterest without being on pinterest. She comes up with the best ideas. Those of you that knew Kellen whether you met him in person or just saw his pictures on facebook got to see the many expressions he had. I swear he never made the same face twice. So they created a "How am I feeling today?' board. There are lots of pictures of Kellen on there and Abe, Farrah and myself each have our own ring to hang our picture on how we may be feeling that day.
My best friends made us a beautiful gift. She is the queen of pinterest without being on pinterest. She comes up with the best ideas. Those of you that knew Kellen whether you met him in person or just saw his pictures on facebook got to see the many expressions he had. I swear he never made the same face twice. So they created a "How am I feeling today?' board. There are lots of pictures of Kellen on there and Abe, Farrah and myself each have our own ring to hang our picture on how we may be feeling that day.
Farrah keeps saying she's happy and hangs hers on one of his many happy faces. She always asks why mine is on a sad face. I explain to her it's ok to be sad. We just really miss Kellen and sometimes that comes out with happy memories and sometimes we're just sad. I won't lie, sadness has been a pretty common feeling for me. If I'm not thinking about him, I'm ok so you may see me looking happy and I probably am in that moment, but the second I start to think about him or see his picture, it's an instant, overwhelming feeling of sadness and I can cry at the drop of a hat. It doesn't take much. Thankfully I have a few crying face pictures to hang my ring on in those moments.
So as we head into 2014 I just pray that God helps hold us together. For now, that's all I could possibly ask for.
"Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy."
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy."
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Fears
We are still waiting on the final report from the coroner about what exactly happened with Kellen. It's such a hard thing to wait for. I'm not exactly sure what to be thinking. The day he passed when we were talking with the coroner, he said they would do an initial autopsy and if they didn't find anything, they would have to send his bloodwork to the a lab on the east coast and it could take up to 90 days to hear anything. The initial autopsy showed nothing.... and so we wait.
We were certainly aware of SIDS, I mean they send you home with paperwork about it, your pediatrician makes sure you're following all the suggestions, you just don't think it would never happen to you. I struggle with the fact that Kellen was 11 months old. It's so rare for SIDS to occur at that age. Of course he was sleeping on his stomach. He was rolling over by 6 months and at 11 months he was rolling around in his crib, sitting up, pulling himself up to standing and holding on to the rails of his crib. Not exactly the phase you're worried about something like this happening.
After this happened, I've done more research and stumbled on the story of a family that lost their baby to SIDS when she fell asleep on her dad's chest and they both napped together. We have all seen those pictures. Here's one of Abe and Farrah doing the same thing.
I can't imagine that family's heartbreak. I thought I would pass it along, just to remind everyone it's not safe.
Anyhow, as a new mom, I always thought that SIDS was my worst fear. I even remember telling my best friends about my worst fear long before Kellen was even born. And now that I have lived through it, and I wait for the results, it's strangely become what I hope to hear. If I hear back that it was SIDS, I feel as though I can release it, that it was a fluke, and not something that I somehow missed or overlooked. I've been able to wrap my brain around SIDS, but I don't know how to feel if it comes back as something else. He went to sleep peacefully and just didn't wake up. That's what I have to keep telling myself.
As you can imagine, living through your worst fear changes you. And surprisingly, it's not all bad. Not many little things scare me anymore. I'm not afraid to step out of my comfort zone like I sometimes was before. I'm not afraid of failing when I try something new. And I'm certainly not afraid to let people know how I feel as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog.
Something that stood out to me on this topic recently was the show "Long Island Medium." For those of you that haven't seen it, this fantastic lady with big blonde hair and ridiculously long nails is able to communicate with people that have passed away in her fantastic Long Island accent, all while wearing stilettos. It's a pretty awesome show. I used to watch that show and with most of the stories I would get pretty emotional. Especially the ones where they had lost a spouse or a child. So I finally decided to watch it again. I had a few episodes saved on my DVR and one night when Abe was working late, I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, warm blanket, and my box of tissues ready. I made it through all 3 episodes and not a single tear. There was even a story on one of the episodes about a woman that had lost her son and still, nothing. The only thing I could come up with as to why the show didn't have the same effect on me is that before I would watch and think "I can't even imagine. I just can't even imagine. That's my worst fear." And now well......
I'm sure it may come across as a tad bitter, that I've become jaded. I really don't think that's it. I just think my heart can't possibly be the same as it was before. A new sweet friend of mine that also lost her son to SIDS said so eloquently, when something like this happens your heart shatters into a million pieces like dropping a plate on the floor, and as time goes on, Farrah and any other children we may have will help glue back together all the pieces but it will never be the same plate as it was before.
We were certainly aware of SIDS, I mean they send you home with paperwork about it, your pediatrician makes sure you're following all the suggestions, you just don't think it would never happen to you. I struggle with the fact that Kellen was 11 months old. It's so rare for SIDS to occur at that age. Of course he was sleeping on his stomach. He was rolling over by 6 months and at 11 months he was rolling around in his crib, sitting up, pulling himself up to standing and holding on to the rails of his crib. Not exactly the phase you're worried about something like this happening.
After this happened, I've done more research and stumbled on the story of a family that lost their baby to SIDS when she fell asleep on her dad's chest and they both napped together. We have all seen those pictures. Here's one of Abe and Farrah doing the same thing.
Anyhow, as a new mom, I always thought that SIDS was my worst fear. I even remember telling my best friends about my worst fear long before Kellen was even born. And now that I have lived through it, and I wait for the results, it's strangely become what I hope to hear. If I hear back that it was SIDS, I feel as though I can release it, that it was a fluke, and not something that I somehow missed or overlooked. I've been able to wrap my brain around SIDS, but I don't know how to feel if it comes back as something else. He went to sleep peacefully and just didn't wake up. That's what I have to keep telling myself.
As you can imagine, living through your worst fear changes you. And surprisingly, it's not all bad. Not many little things scare me anymore. I'm not afraid to step out of my comfort zone like I sometimes was before. I'm not afraid of failing when I try something new. And I'm certainly not afraid to let people know how I feel as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog.
Something that stood out to me on this topic recently was the show "Long Island Medium." For those of you that haven't seen it, this fantastic lady with big blonde hair and ridiculously long nails is able to communicate with people that have passed away in her fantastic Long Island accent, all while wearing stilettos. It's a pretty awesome show. I used to watch that show and with most of the stories I would get pretty emotional. Especially the ones where they had lost a spouse or a child. So I finally decided to watch it again. I had a few episodes saved on my DVR and one night when Abe was working late, I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, warm blanket, and my box of tissues ready. I made it through all 3 episodes and not a single tear. There was even a story on one of the episodes about a woman that had lost her son and still, nothing. The only thing I could come up with as to why the show didn't have the same effect on me is that before I would watch and think "I can't even imagine. I just can't even imagine. That's my worst fear." And now well......
I'm sure it may come across as a tad bitter, that I've become jaded. I really don't think that's it. I just think my heart can't possibly be the same as it was before. A new sweet friend of mine that also lost her son to SIDS said so eloquently, when something like this happens your heart shatters into a million pieces like dropping a plate on the floor, and as time goes on, Farrah and any other children we may have will help glue back together all the pieces but it will never be the same plate as it was before.
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