That one song

We all have that one song.  The one we can't get enough of.  We could listen to it over and over again and not get sick of it.  I grew up with music being a huge part of my upbringing.  I was in several choirs, took piano lessons from the ages of 6-18 (don't ask me to play now because from 18-29 I haven't played), was in musicals, took voice lessons and dabbled in various other instruments.  I feel emotion through song much more than through words alone.  I hope I can pass on my love of music to Farrah. 
This song "Oceans (Where feet may fail)" by Hillsong United is my new jam.  Like seriously on repeat.  And I can't listen to it without crying.  It's a scientific fact.  The minute it starts... waterworks. 
Before Kellen passed, my experience at church was completely different than it is now.  Before we went because we felt like we were supposed to.  Well at least I felt like I had to and I'm pretty sure Abe just went to keep me happy.  Now it is time I look forward to every week to connect with God and help bring healing to our hearts like only faith can. 
When Abe and I had been married for a year or two we were in that new marriage, scraping by, top ramen phase of our relationship.  Like with most young couples we struggled financially for a little while and I remember saying to him "If this is the worst thing we ever have to go through as a couple, I will consider us to be very blessed."  Of course I never could have imagined what was to come.  In a way I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I hadn't dealt with much loss in my life.  I lost both of my grandmas, but both had lived full lives, so while I was sad and missed them, I wouldn't consider losing them to be tragedies.  Losing a child on the other hand.....
So when I heard this song I really listened to was the lyrics despite the fact that it has a beautiful melody and instrumentals.  It describes our journey right now.  This season of our life has been filled with sorrow but also filled with faith like you could never imagine.  The entire song is one big description of my relationship with God in this moment but some lines in particular that stood out to me are the first lines:
"You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail.
And there I find You in the mystery
In Oceans deep my faith will stand."

And towards the end where she sings:
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour."

It's as if God himself picked my brain and wrote this song to help me through this time.  I couldn't describe my feelings any better than the idea that I have been asked to have faith and walk out on the water, and the deeper it gets, the more faith I have. 

This past Saturday night I had a bit of a meltdown while laying in bed.  It was almost midnight and I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't stop thinking about Kellen.  When he first passed away it was so uncomfortable to go about my daily routine without him.   I was so used to doing everything with him on my hip.  I was so used to hearing him crawl around on the floor, to hearing him laughing.  It seemed so unnatural to not have him there.  But I'm starting to lose that feeling and I hate it.  My "new normal" is to go about my day revolving around Farrah and Abe, but not Kellen.  I was laying in bed and sobbing uncontrollably.  I haven't had that happen as often as you would think.  Crying yes.... multiple times per day, but not to the point of not being able to get it together. 
I have my ok days and my bad days.  Everyday I need to lean on my faith to get me through.  I lean on my sweet Farrah and my amazing husband.  I lean on my family and my friends.  This is certainly something I can't do on my own. 

The dreaded to do list

I'll be the first to admit it.  I'm kind of a to do list addict.  I love the feeling of writing something down that needs to get done and then crossing it off.  A sense of pride comes over me, even if it's just "load the dishwasher."  Ever since Kellen passed there is a whole long list of other types of things that need to get done.  Things that are hard to think about. 
This past weekend we crossed a huge one off our list.  I haven't even been able to write most of these things down on my list because putting pen to paper is one more form of validation that he's gone that I don't want to face.  We finally decided what we wanted put on his headstone.  It was something that we weren't intentionally putting off, but we just didn't have an urgency to decide because nothing seemed right.  It's a surreal experience.  What can we possibly say to describe Kellen's journey on earth and the way that he has touched our lives?  Finally the man from the cemetery called and told us we were pushing the limit for getting the engraving taken care of.  We had to get this figured out.  As I've said before, the word "joy" has been the theme of Kellen's life for us.  So Abe came up with something using a lyric from a song and changing it up a bit to say "Heaven holds joy for all of us."  Of course his name, date of birth and death will be on there as well.  We went back and forth about whether or not we wanted his picture on the stone.  We ultimately decided to put it on there even though it may be painful to see every time we go to visit.  We just felt we would regret it more if we didn't put it on there. 
There are many other things for us to get to.  We still haven't touched his room.  We put every single baby item we have in his room and shut the door.  If you open the door it is packed to the brim with his things.  You can't even walk in there.  One more thing for us to get to. 
The way I look at it is right now every small little thing is a major chore for us.  There are many things I would like to do, and know need to get done, but because of the nature of everything, if it's not vital that it happens right this minute, it can wait.  I will take those things on piece by piece.  When I check one off it almost feels like I need to take a month break to regroup before I can take on something else.  So for now Kellen's room can wait.  Getting a hope chest for his things can wait.  Framing his pictures can wait.  It can all wait.  I know it may seem like right now we are just surviving and not strategic about anything, but everything we do or don't do right now is on purpose.  If we're choosing not to sign Farrah up for a zillion activities, it's for a reason.  If we're choosing not to overextend ourselves, it's definitely on purpose.  It's interesting because before this happened, I would say yes to pretty much anything that came our way.  And now I feel like I physically have something creating a barrier between me and my to do list.  Even if I wanted to, I just can't bring myself to take on anything that doesn't have to do with my faith, my family or my career.  I don't know if I'll ever get back to the "old me."  Not sure I even want to.  I certainly have appreciated the power of saying no to some things.  I have Kellen to thank for this new piece of me.

Dreams

I've heard from several of you that I need therapy.  Trust me, I know.  We're working on getting that set up as we speak.  Like most people that lose someone they love unexpectedly, especially a child, I go over the day before Kellen passed in my head all the time.  People tell me not to think about it but that's easier said then done.  The trauma of finding your son, unsuccessfully attempting CPR, and everything that follows is not something that's easy to get over.  I imagine it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I've heard many people say that in traumatizing situations such as these everything is a blur.  Not for me.  I remember every moment of the day before and the day of.  I think, wonder, question, analyze pretty much every moment of those days.  I try not to, but again, easier said than done.
But a few nights ago I had a dream.  Most of the time my dreams are so crazy and out there that in the morning I usually can't even remember what they were.  But this one is something I won't soon forget.  In this dream I met a medium.  One of those people that can speak to people that have crossed over.  He was an interesting looking man.  Early twenties, unkempt, stoner type.  I explained to him that I had lost my son and he said "your son wants me to tell you something."  I instantly saw Kellen's face in the distance and the medium said "He wants you to release how he died.  Stop thinking about what exactly happened and if you could have prevented it.  You couldn't have.  He said his time was up and this would have happened regardless."  That was the last thing I remember in my dream.
I would love to say this dream instantly cleared my head of all the toxic thoughts, I'm not completely "healed."  But it sure did ease my anxiety as we wait to hear the final report from the coroner.  Whatever happened, I feel in my heart that God had decided his time was up and nothing I could have done would have stopped it.  

3 months

Today marks 3 months since you went to be with Jesus.  I can't believe we've made it this far.  I worry about you up there.  You're just a baby and I'm so used to taking care of you.  I'm your mom so it's my job to worry.  I guess you're in the best hands I could ever ask for. 
Farrah talks about you all the time.... like all the time.  But I'm sure you already knew that.  She always tries to play with you.  She runs around the house saying you're chasing her.  She falls to the ground and says you knocked her down.  She says you wake her up at night so you two can play.  I didn't realize it was possible to warm my heart and break my heart at the same time. 
There's not much to say on this day other than we miss you terribly and love you to heaven and back. 

A Case of the Mondays

It's Monday so you know what that means..... facebook blows up with people complaining about what day it is.  Counting down the days until the weekend despite the fact they were just weekending less than 12 hours ago.  I get it.... really I do.  A study recently came out that for the first time ever, more than 50% of people hate their jobs.  So I guess I can understand why at least half of you hate Mondays. 
I, on the other hand, happen to like Mondays most of the time.  Sometimes I might even say I love them.  There's something about a fresh start that makes me happy.  If you had a bad week, now is your chance to change the outcome of this week.  A mental reset button of sorts. 
I grew up around many people that worked very hard, but I would never say any of them loved their jobs.  There is something to be said for people who continue to work hard, regardless of their feelings about their jobs, don't get me wrong.  But part of me always wondered, if you're not happy, why don't your change it?
If you've learned anything at all from reading my blog, I hope it's that you realize how short life can be and the importance of time.  The time we do have, and the time we may not have.  I pray the rest of you don't have to learn that lesson the way I did and instead just decide today to take advantage of the time you do have so that you can look back on your life with no regrets. 
Hear my heart, I'm not telling you to run into work today, give your boss the finger and say "peace out."  But if you're not happy about something in your life, change it.  If it's something you can't change, pray for peace about it.  Simple as that.  I'm not saying everyday will be easy.  We've all been dealt cards we feel are unfair, but I'm astounded at how many people are willing to stay in an unhappy situation, rather than dig deep to change it. 
I have no idea how many of my friends read this blog, but if you have read this one and it has pulled on your heartstrings a bit, I have a favor to ask of you.  Can you post something on your facebook page today about something great that happened to you?  Small or big, it doesn't matter.  Positive status updates and pictures seem to be few and far between, especially on a Monday.  I would love nothing more than to hear from my friends about all the great things that are going on in their lives. 
Happy Monday friends!

Realizations

It's good to be writing again.  Things have been busy lately.  I just got back from a business trip to New Orleans.  That was an adventure in itself.  As I was leaving the house to head to the airport I felt pretty anxious.  It was my first time being away from family since Kellen passed.  Everything has an entirely different meaning now.  The littlest things become the biggest things and the big things become little. 
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio.  Bear with me on this one.  I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life."  I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is.  You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs. 
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed."  I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like.  My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life.  The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways.  Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?" 
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not.  Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day.  Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private.  What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could.  Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me.  It's something I will live with for the rest of my life.  There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now.  It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now.  But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it.  I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life.  My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself. 
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen.  The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have.  I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet.  A pleasant surprise.  Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again.  I love his little face in the picture.  My sweet little boy.  Oh how we miss you. 

God and other things nobody likes to talk about

I didn't grow up going to church.  I think I went to some sort of preschool camp churchy thing at one point but that was the extent of it.  Not because my parents didn't believe in God, but they just never made it a priority.  A few years ago I felt the need to to join a church.  I went on a quest for the perfect church.  We tried several churches and it felt like we were just doing something we were supposed to do but nothing felt quite right.  Until we found our current church.  As close to perfect in my eyes as a church could be.  Welcoming, people from different walks of life, a feeling of home.  So we became regular attenders.  But I still felt as though my level of faith was no where near a lot of Christians I knew.  Then Kellen passed away.  Was I angry?  Yes.  I still am.  Was I angry at God?  No.  It's not to say that won't change.  I'm no expert on grief just because I've been immersed in it for a couple months.  But at this point, God is the only thing that brings me comfort. 
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering.  One of them was an atheist.  I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs.  I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK.  But something he said stood out to me.  He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again.  I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years.  I think about it often, especially now.  It makes me sad.  The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again.  If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now. 
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in.  I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again.  Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us.  Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :) 
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known.  Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days.  Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card.  When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart.  Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet.  It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card.  Just seeing his name still gets me emotional.  Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room.  I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while.  I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music.  This was Kellen's favorite toy.  His absolute favorite.  I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it.  He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that.  So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him.  I knew Kellen was trying to say hi.  As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him. 
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around.  Until we meet again, sweet boy.