Then and now

This pregnancy is quite different than the last.  For many reasons.  Many of you may remember all the fun complications I had when I was pregnant with Kellen.  Thankfully, I don't have those same complications this time around.  I was holding my breath until the 20 week ultrasound when they would be able to tell if I had the same thing this time and, thankfully, that was not the case. 
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be.  She's been praying for another brother or sister.  But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby.  She almost seems cautiously excited.  The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes.  Again, I didn't know how to answer that question.  She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her.  I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house.  He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's. 
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened.  I was always the parent that didn't worry too much.  Kids will be kids, right?  She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever!  She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine.  But it's different now.  Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you.  If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids.  I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes.  I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates.  And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind.  I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit.  I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down.  I have to see her move a little bit.  I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person.  A different mom.  A different wife.  A different friend.  But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger.  While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier.  The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy.  I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so).  But now I can cry at the drop of a hat.  Doesn't take much.  This experience has forced me to feel more.  One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us.  My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy.  My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again.  Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy. 
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer.  "Is this your first child?"  "Nope."  "Your second?"  In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer.  While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child.  I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen.  I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others.  It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do. 
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy."  I understood what they meant.  Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby.  But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me.  If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction.  But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby.  I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts.  And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will.  But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed.  As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same.  The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process.  Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.)  So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity.  I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)  

Going to the Chapel

I got married yesterday.  No, Abe and I aren't having problems and I didn't run off with someone new.  Abe and I got married.  Let me explain..... Farrah has always thought for some reason that every time you get married you have a baby.  So those Duggars with 19 kids... married 19 times in her eyes.  And as a parent, of course you want to foster the idea that babies are equated with marriage so we never corrected her.  So as our way of sharing some special news with her we threw ourselves a weddin'!  As Abe said, it's not a wedding it's a weddin' because we're using paper plates.
We sent her an invitation

And then we got hitched!

And then we told her that she is going to be a big sister again.  I was so excited to see her face.  She had literally been praying to be a big sister again.  It was so hard not to tell her but we wanted to wait a while just to spare her any heartache if we told her too early.  Her face was priceless.  She was so excited. She kept asking if it was real or if we were pretending.

We kept the party going with a present for Farrah to open.  Inside were either pink or blue balloons.  We were all finding out together.  Before we opened it she started praying.  Don't know what she was praying for but she seemed happy with the results!

 Team Blue!

We went outside to send some balloons to heaven per our tradition to let Kellen know he was going to be a big brother.

So while October of 2013 brought us the biggest heartache of our lives when we lost our son, October of 2014 will give us some of our joy back when we welcome a new son to our family.  God is good.

A huge thank you to our friends for being the "photographers/officiant/planners" of our big day :)  

Mother's Day

Mother's day is quickly approaching.  I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day.  I honestly hadn't even thought about it until it was brought up at the last support group.  I could see how painful it was for many of the mothers there.  I do realize how blessed we are that we have our daughter and that we are able to have more kids if we decided to but it doesn't make it easier.  I read something once that an angry grieving mother wrote when someone had so lovingly told her "at least you still have your daughter," and her response was "tell me which of your children you could live without?"  So that's the limbo that I'm in.  Happy to be a mother to my beautiful daughter but still heavy in my heart that he's not here.
I did some more going through his toys to see if there was anything I wanted to keep.  The hard part isn't the sorting process, it's that every single toy has a memory.  Every block I tripped over, every ball I found under the couch.  Everything reminds me of my sweet boy.  I found this little foam square that had his teeth marks in it and I just kept running my fingers over the marks.  Back and forth, over and over.  One of the few physical pieces of him I still have. 
If there's one thing I will always remember about Kellen it was what a mama's boy he was.  He was a permanent fixture on my hip for most of his life.  So on Mother's Day this year, when I think of Kellen, I will try to focus on that.  That he loved his mama and that she loved him. 

Mommy's boy from Krista Naldjian on Vimeo.

6 months later

When it first happened I could have never imagined making it to this point.  Somehow we arrived here 6 months later.  In my previous life it seemed like we were always working on something new.  Over a 6 month period I could tell you about all of the things we'd accomplished in the past 6 months.  Now, all I can really say is we've survived over the past 6 months... and I'm pretty ok with that. 
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult.  The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime.  I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him.  It's been very tough. 
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children.  I'm so glad we went.  I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents.  I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had.  One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin.  There are memories that will always be painful.  But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories.  For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here.  I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile.  It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller!  Kellen must be trying to say hi."  But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process. 
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog.  I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not.  He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond.  Miss you Kellen!

Heaven holds JOY

We decided to take a spontaneous trip to go visit Kellen yesterday.  Farrah had been asking to go to "Kellen's celebration" a lot lately.  She just remembers that we were celebrating him on the day of his funeral.  We never called it a funeral so I'm happy she just calls it his celebration spot.  

We jumped in the car and stopped at a pancake place for some breakfast, stopped at the store to pick out some balloons to send to heaven as per tradition, then drove to his celebration spot.  I was thinking as we drove and were having our usual silly conversations with Farrah, singing songs and playing games that an outsider would have no idea we were headed to such a somber place.  Life does move forward, especially when you have another child that forces you to keep going.  

This was our first time visiting since they had his stone engraved.  For as much as we went back and forth about what we wanted on the stone, it turned out very nice.  Now we just have to decide which picture we want them to add to the right side. 

We said a few words to Kellen and released our balloons.  Each time we go it gets easier.  I remember when it first happened and we went for the first time to discuss the arrangements with the staff there I couldn't even walk in the door.  My legs gave out and I just sobbed until I could collect myself and go inside.  Now I feel that burning in my chest and throat but I don't usually break down.  It's nice to spend some time reflecting and remembering the joy he brought us.

 And I don't know of a better place for reflection.  This is the view his spot looks out over.  It's the perfect fit for my little guy.  He LOVED being outside.  I remember when his mommy attachment phase was in full force and I would leave him with my parents for a few hours, he would be so fussy that all they could do was take him outside and walk around to calm down.  This calmness would come over him and he would just look at the trees and flowers and go to his happy place. 

While heaven has the ultimate view, I'm pretty sure this is a close second.  Miss you my little guy.

Life lately

Life lately seems to be moving forward.  I wouldn't say moving on but moving forward seems to fit better.  If there's one quality about myself that I can remember from a very young age it's that I have always been an optimist.  I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I just always knew that everything would work out.  I didn't need to know how, I just knew that it would.  I knew that I would marry the man of my dreams, I knew I would have beautiful children, great friends, great relationships with my family and a great career.  Abe and I have always been dreamers together.  From the very beginning we would dream about what we wanted for our lives together.  Pretty early on we decided that my business was going to retire him so he could be a stay at home dad and run the behind the scenes part of my business.  Book keeping, mailing, and DJ extraordinaire for all my events. And after October 29th we decided it was time to make that happen.  It was scary because we didn't know how it was going to work, but we had faith that it would work.  It was an adjustment in the beginning going from him being gone from 50-80 hours a week depending on the time of year, to being with each other  all.the.time.  But it's crazy to think the life we dreamed of living is now a reality.  But of course, there's a huge piece missing.  The biggest piece you could imagine. 
I was watching the show "Long Island Medium" (I know, I'm crazy for watching that show, especially now), and there was a woman on there that had lost her adult son and she said that she really missed him needing her and she needed him just as much as he needed her.  I would absolutely in a heart beat give this dream life back if it meant I could have him back and go back to the way things were. 
Now our day to day routine varies but it usually includes breakfast together then I start my work for the day and take breaks to go to the park with Farrah, watch her favorite show with her, or play "Frozen."  We eat lunch together and dinner together.  I can stop what I'm doing at any moment and do bedtime routine or get her ready for school.  I am beyond grateful for the life that I am blessed to lead.  I'm sure there are many people that wish they could enjoy those luxuries. 
Weekends depend on whether or not Abe has a gig or we have a family function but we've been able to do a lot more outings as a family.  We live in such a beautiful area with so many things to do.  It would be a shame to not explore from time to time.  This weekend we had a lazy day and decided to start going through Kellen's room.  Up until this point the door has been shut and all of his things, every piece of baby gear was just shoved in there so we didn't have to look at it.  We got about 10 minutes in and had to stop.  Every little toy, outfit, everything.  What finally made us stop was seeing his laundry hamper and his last little outfit that he wore sitting on top.  It all just seems so unfair.  Almost 6 months later and I still can't believe this is real most of the time.  This is our new reality. 
I will always consider myself to be an optimist.  I still believe everything will turn out ok.  We will just continue to move forward in faith. 

Things that make me smile

It's been a while since I've felt the urge to write.  I will be honest, the weight of the phone call from the coroner was heavy.  It brought back the emotions from the day that it happened.  It was a rough week last week.  I was sad, angry, confused and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can't even describe.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe the results are correct.  Which is hard because I'm having to accept that I'll never really know exactly what happened to Kellen.  I do believe it was probably something to do with him being sick.  Something respiratory and he just stopped breathing.  But even his Doctor told me she was very surprised at the findings because she's never heard of that happening before.  He didn't have any of the major symptoms of croup but even if he did, it's not sometime people die from.  So here we are.  Figuring out what comes next I guess. 
So a week has passed and not that I'm "feeling better" or anything like that, but I'm forcing myself to look around and see the things that make happy.  To really experience them so I don't get swallowed up by sadness.  There truly is so much that makes me smile.  Here are just a few that come to mind.
1. All of Farrah's sayings.
I have a little book that I try to write as many of her sayings in as possible.  Boy does she like to talk.  I was watching a video my friend took of Farrah when she was no more than 18 months old.  To hear her just making sounds and using her baby sign language was so amazing to me.  I had forgotten what it was like when she didn't speak.  Now she doesn't stop talking.  One of my recent faves came after I came home from a work trip and was very excited that I ran into and took a picture with my favorite basketball player Steph Curry from the warriors.  So I told Farrah, who has watched a few warriors games with us, that mommy got to meet Steph Curry.  She seemed excited because I was excited but I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I was talking about.  So we came downstairs and Abe said to her, "Farrah did you hear who Mommy met this weekend?"  to which she hesitated, then responded ".... Sir Kirby!"  Sir Kirby is one of the characters from Doc McStuffins, one of her favorite shows.  Sir Kirby, Steph Curry, same thing I guess. 

2. My friends
I feel weird even calling them friends.  I am fortunate enough to have the type of friends that are more like family.  My besties, the girls I work with, my mom friends.... I'm surrounded by amazingess.  Leaving surprise white mocha's on my porch ;)  Sending cards.  Coming over in a messy bun and sweats to gossip and watch the bachelor.  Humor keeps me sane and my friends keep me laughing.  Thanks ladies!  I feel like I should have some Spice Girls playing in the background of this blog or something.  But really though.... girl power!

3. My husband
I remember when I first met him, I thought he was very quiet and shy.  Some people still think that about him.  False.  He's one of the funniest people I know.  Laughing together is getting us through.  Once Farrah is down for bed at night and he hands over the remote (assuming there's no games on) and says "What do you want to watch?" (smart man), and I usually say "something funny."  There's enough seriousness in our life right now.  I'm lucky to call him mine.

4.  The little things
My morning cup of coffee.  It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up.  I actually look forward to getting up so that I can enjoy my morning ritual.  I love the morning time.  There's something about that fresh start everyday that gets me excited. 
Organizing.  I love taking 5 minutes to organize something that's bugging me... the junk drawer, the pantry, whatever.  To some it may seem like a waste of time but I always get this sense of satisfaction when it's done so well worth 5 minutes of my time to me. 
Reading books to Farrah.  Luckily she has a dad that's basically a big kid himself so he can do all the loud, crazy stuff with her.  I get so much joy from just sitting with her and reading a book.  I hope she grows up to love books as much as I do. 
My morning makeup routine.  Yes I am in the makeup business so I may be a little biased on this one.  But on the days where I don't take the time to fix my hair and put on some make up I feel like a different person.  There is some satisfaction in taking some time for yourself in the morning, then looking in the mirror at the finished product. 
Jelly beans.  Except the black ones.  Ain't nobody got time for black jelly beans. 

Life gets heavy from time to time.  Really heavy.  But we're forced to keep going.  So why not take a moment to remember all the good things that are happening?  They're there if you take the time to look.