Going to the Chapel

I got married yesterday.  No, Abe and I aren't having problems and I didn't run off with someone new.  Abe and I got married.  Let me explain..... Farrah has always thought for some reason that every time you get married you have a baby.  So those Duggars with 19 kids... married 19 times in her eyes.  And as a parent, of course you want to foster the idea that babies are equated with marriage so we never corrected her.  So as our way of sharing some special news with her we threw ourselves a weddin'!  As Abe said, it's not a wedding it's a weddin' because we're using paper plates.
We sent her an invitation

And then we got hitched!

And then we told her that she is going to be a big sister again.  I was so excited to see her face.  She had literally been praying to be a big sister again.  It was so hard not to tell her but we wanted to wait a while just to spare her any heartache if we told her too early.  Her face was priceless.  She was so excited. She kept asking if it was real or if we were pretending.

We kept the party going with a present for Farrah to open.  Inside were either pink or blue balloons.  We were all finding out together.  Before we opened it she started praying.  Don't know what she was praying for but she seemed happy with the results!

 Team Blue!

We went outside to send some balloons to heaven per our tradition to let Kellen know he was going to be a big brother.

So while October of 2013 brought us the biggest heartache of our lives when we lost our son, October of 2014 will give us some of our joy back when we welcome a new son to our family.  God is good.

A huge thank you to our friends for being the "photographers/officiant/planners" of our big day :)  

Mother's Day

Mother's day is quickly approaching.  I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day.  I honestly hadn't even thought about it until it was brought up at the last support group.  I could see how painful it was for many of the mothers there.  I do realize how blessed we are that we have our daughter and that we are able to have more kids if we decided to but it doesn't make it easier.  I read something once that an angry grieving mother wrote when someone had so lovingly told her "at least you still have your daughter," and her response was "tell me which of your children you could live without?"  So that's the limbo that I'm in.  Happy to be a mother to my beautiful daughter but still heavy in my heart that he's not here.
I did some more going through his toys to see if there was anything I wanted to keep.  The hard part isn't the sorting process, it's that every single toy has a memory.  Every block I tripped over, every ball I found under the couch.  Everything reminds me of my sweet boy.  I found this little foam square that had his teeth marks in it and I just kept running my fingers over the marks.  Back and forth, over and over.  One of the few physical pieces of him I still have. 
If there's one thing I will always remember about Kellen it was what a mama's boy he was.  He was a permanent fixture on my hip for most of his life.  So on Mother's Day this year, when I think of Kellen, I will try to focus on that.  That he loved his mama and that she loved him. 

Mommy's boy from Krista Naldjian on Vimeo.

6 months later

When it first happened I could have never imagined making it to this point.  Somehow we arrived here 6 months later.  In my previous life it seemed like we were always working on something new.  Over a 6 month period I could tell you about all of the things we'd accomplished in the past 6 months.  Now, all I can really say is we've survived over the past 6 months... and I'm pretty ok with that. 
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult.  The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime.  I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him.  It's been very tough. 
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children.  I'm so glad we went.  I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents.  I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had.  One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin.  There are memories that will always be painful.  But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories.  For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here.  I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile.  It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller!  Kellen must be trying to say hi."  But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process. 
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog.  I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not.  He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond.  Miss you Kellen!

Heaven holds JOY

We decided to take a spontaneous trip to go visit Kellen yesterday.  Farrah had been asking to go to "Kellen's celebration" a lot lately.  She just remembers that we were celebrating him on the day of his funeral.  We never called it a funeral so I'm happy she just calls it his celebration spot.  

We jumped in the car and stopped at a pancake place for some breakfast, stopped at the store to pick out some balloons to send to heaven as per tradition, then drove to his celebration spot.  I was thinking as we drove and were having our usual silly conversations with Farrah, singing songs and playing games that an outsider would have no idea we were headed to such a somber place.  Life does move forward, especially when you have another child that forces you to keep going.  

This was our first time visiting since they had his stone engraved.  For as much as we went back and forth about what we wanted on the stone, it turned out very nice.  Now we just have to decide which picture we want them to add to the right side. 

We said a few words to Kellen and released our balloons.  Each time we go it gets easier.  I remember when it first happened and we went for the first time to discuss the arrangements with the staff there I couldn't even walk in the door.  My legs gave out and I just sobbed until I could collect myself and go inside.  Now I feel that burning in my chest and throat but I don't usually break down.  It's nice to spend some time reflecting and remembering the joy he brought us.

 And I don't know of a better place for reflection.  This is the view his spot looks out over.  It's the perfect fit for my little guy.  He LOVED being outside.  I remember when his mommy attachment phase was in full force and I would leave him with my parents for a few hours, he would be so fussy that all they could do was take him outside and walk around to calm down.  This calmness would come over him and he would just look at the trees and flowers and go to his happy place. 

While heaven has the ultimate view, I'm pretty sure this is a close second.  Miss you my little guy.

Life lately

Life lately seems to be moving forward.  I wouldn't say moving on but moving forward seems to fit better.  If there's one quality about myself that I can remember from a very young age it's that I have always been an optimist.  I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I just always knew that everything would work out.  I didn't need to know how, I just knew that it would.  I knew that I would marry the man of my dreams, I knew I would have beautiful children, great friends, great relationships with my family and a great career.  Abe and I have always been dreamers together.  From the very beginning we would dream about what we wanted for our lives together.  Pretty early on we decided that my business was going to retire him so he could be a stay at home dad and run the behind the scenes part of my business.  Book keeping, mailing, and DJ extraordinaire for all my events. And after October 29th we decided it was time to make that happen.  It was scary because we didn't know how it was going to work, but we had faith that it would work.  It was an adjustment in the beginning going from him being gone from 50-80 hours a week depending on the time of year, to being with each other  all.the.time.  But it's crazy to think the life we dreamed of living is now a reality.  But of course, there's a huge piece missing.  The biggest piece you could imagine. 
I was watching the show "Long Island Medium" (I know, I'm crazy for watching that show, especially now), and there was a woman on there that had lost her adult son and she said that she really missed him needing her and she needed him just as much as he needed her.  I would absolutely in a heart beat give this dream life back if it meant I could have him back and go back to the way things were. 
Now our day to day routine varies but it usually includes breakfast together then I start my work for the day and take breaks to go to the park with Farrah, watch her favorite show with her, or play "Frozen."  We eat lunch together and dinner together.  I can stop what I'm doing at any moment and do bedtime routine or get her ready for school.  I am beyond grateful for the life that I am blessed to lead.  I'm sure there are many people that wish they could enjoy those luxuries. 
Weekends depend on whether or not Abe has a gig or we have a family function but we've been able to do a lot more outings as a family.  We live in such a beautiful area with so many things to do.  It would be a shame to not explore from time to time.  This weekend we had a lazy day and decided to start going through Kellen's room.  Up until this point the door has been shut and all of his things, every piece of baby gear was just shoved in there so we didn't have to look at it.  We got about 10 minutes in and had to stop.  Every little toy, outfit, everything.  What finally made us stop was seeing his laundry hamper and his last little outfit that he wore sitting on top.  It all just seems so unfair.  Almost 6 months later and I still can't believe this is real most of the time.  This is our new reality. 
I will always consider myself to be an optimist.  I still believe everything will turn out ok.  We will just continue to move forward in faith. 

Things that make me smile

It's been a while since I've felt the urge to write.  I will be honest, the weight of the phone call from the coroner was heavy.  It brought back the emotions from the day that it happened.  It was a rough week last week.  I was sad, angry, confused and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can't even describe.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe the results are correct.  Which is hard because I'm having to accept that I'll never really know exactly what happened to Kellen.  I do believe it was probably something to do with him being sick.  Something respiratory and he just stopped breathing.  But even his Doctor told me she was very surprised at the findings because she's never heard of that happening before.  He didn't have any of the major symptoms of croup but even if he did, it's not sometime people die from.  So here we are.  Figuring out what comes next I guess. 
So a week has passed and not that I'm "feeling better" or anything like that, but I'm forcing myself to look around and see the things that make happy.  To really experience them so I don't get swallowed up by sadness.  There truly is so much that makes me smile.  Here are just a few that come to mind.
1. All of Farrah's sayings.
I have a little book that I try to write as many of her sayings in as possible.  Boy does she like to talk.  I was watching a video my friend took of Farrah when she was no more than 18 months old.  To hear her just making sounds and using her baby sign language was so amazing to me.  I had forgotten what it was like when she didn't speak.  Now she doesn't stop talking.  One of my recent faves came after I came home from a work trip and was very excited that I ran into and took a picture with my favorite basketball player Steph Curry from the warriors.  So I told Farrah, who has watched a few warriors games with us, that mommy got to meet Steph Curry.  She seemed excited because I was excited but I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I was talking about.  So we came downstairs and Abe said to her, "Farrah did you hear who Mommy met this weekend?"  to which she hesitated, then responded ".... Sir Kirby!"  Sir Kirby is one of the characters from Doc McStuffins, one of her favorite shows.  Sir Kirby, Steph Curry, same thing I guess. 

2. My friends
I feel weird even calling them friends.  I am fortunate enough to have the type of friends that are more like family.  My besties, the girls I work with, my mom friends.... I'm surrounded by amazingess.  Leaving surprise white mocha's on my porch ;)  Sending cards.  Coming over in a messy bun and sweats to gossip and watch the bachelor.  Humor keeps me sane and my friends keep me laughing.  Thanks ladies!  I feel like I should have some Spice Girls playing in the background of this blog or something.  But really though.... girl power!

3. My husband
I remember when I first met him, I thought he was very quiet and shy.  Some people still think that about him.  False.  He's one of the funniest people I know.  Laughing together is getting us through.  Once Farrah is down for bed at night and he hands over the remote (assuming there's no games on) and says "What do you want to watch?" (smart man), and I usually say "something funny."  There's enough seriousness in our life right now.  I'm lucky to call him mine.

4.  The little things
My morning cup of coffee.  It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up.  I actually look forward to getting up so that I can enjoy my morning ritual.  I love the morning time.  There's something about that fresh start everyday that gets me excited. 
Organizing.  I love taking 5 minutes to organize something that's bugging me... the junk drawer, the pantry, whatever.  To some it may seem like a waste of time but I always get this sense of satisfaction when it's done so well worth 5 minutes of my time to me. 
Reading books to Farrah.  Luckily she has a dad that's basically a big kid himself so he can do all the loud, crazy stuff with her.  I get so much joy from just sitting with her and reading a book.  I hope she grows up to love books as much as I do. 
My morning makeup routine.  Yes I am in the makeup business so I may be a little biased on this one.  But on the days where I don't take the time to fix my hair and put on some make up I feel like a different person.  There is some satisfaction in taking some time for yourself in the morning, then looking in the mirror at the finished product. 
Jelly beans.  Except the black ones.  Ain't nobody got time for black jelly beans. 

Life gets heavy from time to time.  Really heavy.  But we're forced to keep going.  So why not take a moment to remember all the good things that are happening?  They're there if you take the time to look.

The Call

We got the call yesterday.  The call we've been waiting for for almost 5 months.  The day Kellen passed the coroner told us it could take up to 90 days for an official cause of death.  They would do an autopsy the next day and then they would send his blood work to a lab on the east coast to see if they could find anything abnormal in his blood and that's why it could take so long.  So we waited... and waited.  A million thoughts ran through my head while I was waiting.  As much as I tried not to, I would question everything.  Replay that day over and over.  So when the 90 days came and went, we called.  "We're not sure who told you 90 days," they said.  "It'll be more like 5 months."  So back to waiting we went.  It felt like we were at a stand still until we could get this closure.  It's a strange feeling when people ask what happened and you're not even sure what happened.  I would always say SIDS but in my heart, I wasn't sure that's what it was because I kept thinking about how he was sick the day before and it seemed like too big of a coincidence.
So yesterday morning as we were driving, I mentioned to my husband that I wish they would just call already.  This coming weekend will mark 5 months since he passed so I knew to be expecting the call any day.  The big man upstairs must have heard my request because an hour or so later, the call came.  When I heard who it was on the other line my heart stopped.  Abe and I hurried into the office so we could hear better and shield Farrah from anything we didn't want her to hear.
"So he was sick right?  He was sick right before?" "Yes."  "Ok, did you hear a loud barking cough?" "No." "You didn't?" "No." "Well the doctor is listing the cause of death as croup..... typically there's a loud barking cough that comes with it.".... silence.
I didn't know what to say.  I left the room to go sit and cry.  I was so afraid of this.  I didn't want to hear that it was because of him being sick.  I remember thinking that day before he passed that if he wasn't better by tomorrow I was going to bring him in to see the doctor because, even though he didn't have a fever, he was congested and I wanted to get it checked out.  I gave him a warm bath and put the humidifier on before I left the room that night.  Was there something I missed?  It never crossed my mind that anything I saw was life threatening otherwise I obviously would have had him at the hospital in a heartbeat.
So Abe came out of the office after he finished the call.  Both of us irritated because everything they told us was found during the initial autopsy, not the bloodwork.  Because we were told they found nothing in the autopsy initially, I was thinking that maybe it was SIDS.  Abe told me one last thing the man from the coroner's office said on the phone after I left.  "Not that it makes it any better, but there was nothing you could have done.  Even if you had brought him to the doctor it probably wouldn't have helped."
I thought he was just blowing smoke to make us feel better but as I started to research croup, I'm starting to believe he was right.  It is extremely rare to die from croup.  Everything I read said it's rarely serious. Suggestions included using a humidifier and rest.  In fact Abe was reading some statistics and a baby is less likely to die from croup than from SIDS.
So here we are.  Where are we supposed to go from here?  I guess we've received as much closure as we possibly can have.  I don't think this will change how often I think of him.  And I certainly will continue missing him every second of every day.  But the waiting game has ended.

Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us, supporting us, praying for us and for reading this blog.  As much as this news brings an element of closure, I never want anyone to forget about my sweet boy.  So thank you for reading every time I post.  The fact that so many of you think of my son so often means the world to me.