6 months later

When it first happened I could have never imagined making it to this point.  Somehow we arrived here 6 months later.  In my previous life it seemed like we were always working on something new.  Over a 6 month period I could tell you about all of the things we'd accomplished in the past 6 months.  Now, all I can really say is we've survived over the past 6 months... and I'm pretty ok with that. 
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult.  The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime.  I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him.  It's been very tough. 
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children.  I'm so glad we went.  I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents.  I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had.  One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin.  There are memories that will always be painful.  But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories.  For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here.  I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile.  It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller!  Kellen must be trying to say hi."  But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process. 
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog.  I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not.  He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond.  Miss you Kellen!

Heaven holds JOY

We decided to take a spontaneous trip to go visit Kellen yesterday.  Farrah had been asking to go to "Kellen's celebration" a lot lately.  She just remembers that we were celebrating him on the day of his funeral.  We never called it a funeral so I'm happy she just calls it his celebration spot.  

We jumped in the car and stopped at a pancake place for some breakfast, stopped at the store to pick out some balloons to send to heaven as per tradition, then drove to his celebration spot.  I was thinking as we drove and were having our usual silly conversations with Farrah, singing songs and playing games that an outsider would have no idea we were headed to such a somber place.  Life does move forward, especially when you have another child that forces you to keep going.  

This was our first time visiting since they had his stone engraved.  For as much as we went back and forth about what we wanted on the stone, it turned out very nice.  Now we just have to decide which picture we want them to add to the right side. 

We said a few words to Kellen and released our balloons.  Each time we go it gets easier.  I remember when it first happened and we went for the first time to discuss the arrangements with the staff there I couldn't even walk in the door.  My legs gave out and I just sobbed until I could collect myself and go inside.  Now I feel that burning in my chest and throat but I don't usually break down.  It's nice to spend some time reflecting and remembering the joy he brought us.

 And I don't know of a better place for reflection.  This is the view his spot looks out over.  It's the perfect fit for my little guy.  He LOVED being outside.  I remember when his mommy attachment phase was in full force and I would leave him with my parents for a few hours, he would be so fussy that all they could do was take him outside and walk around to calm down.  This calmness would come over him and he would just look at the trees and flowers and go to his happy place. 

While heaven has the ultimate view, I'm pretty sure this is a close second.  Miss you my little guy.

Life lately

Life lately seems to be moving forward.  I wouldn't say moving on but moving forward seems to fit better.  If there's one quality about myself that I can remember from a very young age it's that I have always been an optimist.  I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I just always knew that everything would work out.  I didn't need to know how, I just knew that it would.  I knew that I would marry the man of my dreams, I knew I would have beautiful children, great friends, great relationships with my family and a great career.  Abe and I have always been dreamers together.  From the very beginning we would dream about what we wanted for our lives together.  Pretty early on we decided that my business was going to retire him so he could be a stay at home dad and run the behind the scenes part of my business.  Book keeping, mailing, and DJ extraordinaire for all my events. And after October 29th we decided it was time to make that happen.  It was scary because we didn't know how it was going to work, but we had faith that it would work.  It was an adjustment in the beginning going from him being gone from 50-80 hours a week depending on the time of year, to being with each other  all.the.time.  But it's crazy to think the life we dreamed of living is now a reality.  But of course, there's a huge piece missing.  The biggest piece you could imagine. 
I was watching the show "Long Island Medium" (I know, I'm crazy for watching that show, especially now), and there was a woman on there that had lost her adult son and she said that she really missed him needing her and she needed him just as much as he needed her.  I would absolutely in a heart beat give this dream life back if it meant I could have him back and go back to the way things were. 
Now our day to day routine varies but it usually includes breakfast together then I start my work for the day and take breaks to go to the park with Farrah, watch her favorite show with her, or play "Frozen."  We eat lunch together and dinner together.  I can stop what I'm doing at any moment and do bedtime routine or get her ready for school.  I am beyond grateful for the life that I am blessed to lead.  I'm sure there are many people that wish they could enjoy those luxuries. 
Weekends depend on whether or not Abe has a gig or we have a family function but we've been able to do a lot more outings as a family.  We live in such a beautiful area with so many things to do.  It would be a shame to not explore from time to time.  This weekend we had a lazy day and decided to start going through Kellen's room.  Up until this point the door has been shut and all of his things, every piece of baby gear was just shoved in there so we didn't have to look at it.  We got about 10 minutes in and had to stop.  Every little toy, outfit, everything.  What finally made us stop was seeing his laundry hamper and his last little outfit that he wore sitting on top.  It all just seems so unfair.  Almost 6 months later and I still can't believe this is real most of the time.  This is our new reality. 
I will always consider myself to be an optimist.  I still believe everything will turn out ok.  We will just continue to move forward in faith. 

Things that make me smile

It's been a while since I've felt the urge to write.  I will be honest, the weight of the phone call from the coroner was heavy.  It brought back the emotions from the day that it happened.  It was a rough week last week.  I was sad, angry, confused and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can't even describe.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe the results are correct.  Which is hard because I'm having to accept that I'll never really know exactly what happened to Kellen.  I do believe it was probably something to do with him being sick.  Something respiratory and he just stopped breathing.  But even his Doctor told me she was very surprised at the findings because she's never heard of that happening before.  He didn't have any of the major symptoms of croup but even if he did, it's not sometime people die from.  So here we are.  Figuring out what comes next I guess. 
So a week has passed and not that I'm "feeling better" or anything like that, but I'm forcing myself to look around and see the things that make happy.  To really experience them so I don't get swallowed up by sadness.  There truly is so much that makes me smile.  Here are just a few that come to mind.
1. All of Farrah's sayings.
I have a little book that I try to write as many of her sayings in as possible.  Boy does she like to talk.  I was watching a video my friend took of Farrah when she was no more than 18 months old.  To hear her just making sounds and using her baby sign language was so amazing to me.  I had forgotten what it was like when she didn't speak.  Now she doesn't stop talking.  One of my recent faves came after I came home from a work trip and was very excited that I ran into and took a picture with my favorite basketball player Steph Curry from the warriors.  So I told Farrah, who has watched a few warriors games with us, that mommy got to meet Steph Curry.  She seemed excited because I was excited but I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I was talking about.  So we came downstairs and Abe said to her, "Farrah did you hear who Mommy met this weekend?"  to which she hesitated, then responded ".... Sir Kirby!"  Sir Kirby is one of the characters from Doc McStuffins, one of her favorite shows.  Sir Kirby, Steph Curry, same thing I guess. 

2. My friends
I feel weird even calling them friends.  I am fortunate enough to have the type of friends that are more like family.  My besties, the girls I work with, my mom friends.... I'm surrounded by amazingess.  Leaving surprise white mocha's on my porch ;)  Sending cards.  Coming over in a messy bun and sweats to gossip and watch the bachelor.  Humor keeps me sane and my friends keep me laughing.  Thanks ladies!  I feel like I should have some Spice Girls playing in the background of this blog or something.  But really though.... girl power!

3. My husband
I remember when I first met him, I thought he was very quiet and shy.  Some people still think that about him.  False.  He's one of the funniest people I know.  Laughing together is getting us through.  Once Farrah is down for bed at night and he hands over the remote (assuming there's no games on) and says "What do you want to watch?" (smart man), and I usually say "something funny."  There's enough seriousness in our life right now.  I'm lucky to call him mine.

4.  The little things
My morning cup of coffee.  It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up.  I actually look forward to getting up so that I can enjoy my morning ritual.  I love the morning time.  There's something about that fresh start everyday that gets me excited. 
Organizing.  I love taking 5 minutes to organize something that's bugging me... the junk drawer, the pantry, whatever.  To some it may seem like a waste of time but I always get this sense of satisfaction when it's done so well worth 5 minutes of my time to me. 
Reading books to Farrah.  Luckily she has a dad that's basically a big kid himself so he can do all the loud, crazy stuff with her.  I get so much joy from just sitting with her and reading a book.  I hope she grows up to love books as much as I do. 
My morning makeup routine.  Yes I am in the makeup business so I may be a little biased on this one.  But on the days where I don't take the time to fix my hair and put on some make up I feel like a different person.  There is some satisfaction in taking some time for yourself in the morning, then looking in the mirror at the finished product. 
Jelly beans.  Except the black ones.  Ain't nobody got time for black jelly beans. 

Life gets heavy from time to time.  Really heavy.  But we're forced to keep going.  So why not take a moment to remember all the good things that are happening?  They're there if you take the time to look.

The Call

We got the call yesterday.  The call we've been waiting for for almost 5 months.  The day Kellen passed the coroner told us it could take up to 90 days for an official cause of death.  They would do an autopsy the next day and then they would send his blood work to a lab on the east coast to see if they could find anything abnormal in his blood and that's why it could take so long.  So we waited... and waited.  A million thoughts ran through my head while I was waiting.  As much as I tried not to, I would question everything.  Replay that day over and over.  So when the 90 days came and went, we called.  "We're not sure who told you 90 days," they said.  "It'll be more like 5 months."  So back to waiting we went.  It felt like we were at a stand still until we could get this closure.  It's a strange feeling when people ask what happened and you're not even sure what happened.  I would always say SIDS but in my heart, I wasn't sure that's what it was because I kept thinking about how he was sick the day before and it seemed like too big of a coincidence.
So yesterday morning as we were driving, I mentioned to my husband that I wish they would just call already.  This coming weekend will mark 5 months since he passed so I knew to be expecting the call any day.  The big man upstairs must have heard my request because an hour or so later, the call came.  When I heard who it was on the other line my heart stopped.  Abe and I hurried into the office so we could hear better and shield Farrah from anything we didn't want her to hear.
"So he was sick right?  He was sick right before?" "Yes."  "Ok, did you hear a loud barking cough?" "No." "You didn't?" "No." "Well the doctor is listing the cause of death as croup..... typically there's a loud barking cough that comes with it.".... silence.
I didn't know what to say.  I left the room to go sit and cry.  I was so afraid of this.  I didn't want to hear that it was because of him being sick.  I remember thinking that day before he passed that if he wasn't better by tomorrow I was going to bring him in to see the doctor because, even though he didn't have a fever, he was congested and I wanted to get it checked out.  I gave him a warm bath and put the humidifier on before I left the room that night.  Was there something I missed?  It never crossed my mind that anything I saw was life threatening otherwise I obviously would have had him at the hospital in a heartbeat.
So Abe came out of the office after he finished the call.  Both of us irritated because everything they told us was found during the initial autopsy, not the bloodwork.  Because we were told they found nothing in the autopsy initially, I was thinking that maybe it was SIDS.  Abe told me one last thing the man from the coroner's office said on the phone after I left.  "Not that it makes it any better, but there was nothing you could have done.  Even if you had brought him to the doctor it probably wouldn't have helped."
I thought he was just blowing smoke to make us feel better but as I started to research croup, I'm starting to believe he was right.  It is extremely rare to die from croup.  Everything I read said it's rarely serious. Suggestions included using a humidifier and rest.  In fact Abe was reading some statistics and a baby is less likely to die from croup than from SIDS.
So here we are.  Where are we supposed to go from here?  I guess we've received as much closure as we possibly can have.  I don't think this will change how often I think of him.  And I certainly will continue missing him every second of every day.  But the waiting game has ended.

Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us, supporting us, praying for us and for reading this blog.  As much as this news brings an element of closure, I never want anyone to forget about my sweet boy.  So thank you for reading every time I post.  The fact that so many of you think of my son so often means the world to me. 

"I can't even imagine"

It's a phrase I've been hearing a lot lately.  "I can't even imagine."  In fact, it's a phrase I have said in the past about my very same situation.  And it's true, you can't imagine until it happens to you.  I could never have imagined what it would be like to put my perfectly healthy baby to sleep and find him unresponsive the next morning.  I think it's a good thing that our minds protect us from fully grasping what that would be like.  I still find myself saying that about other situations.  When I hear horrible things on the news (I try not to even watch.)
But lately, I've been thinking that same thing about my beautiful blessing named Farrah.  I can't even imagine what my life would be like right now if I didn't have her.  I know everyone says this about their kids but there truly is something so special about her.  She has saved me over these past 4 months.  The innocence of a child is something I didn't understand until this happened.  She has a different attitude than the rest of us.  While she misses him, she has made comments like "Kellen is in heaven and you can eat all kinds of sweets in heaven."  Or "I wonder what Kellen is doing right now in heaven?  Did you know you can do whatever you want in heaven?"  While I don't remember telling her these specific things about heaven (she tends to have selective hearing at times :), we talk about how great heaven is so she knows nothing other than joy that her brother is experiencing it.
I have heard that children often have a sixth sense when it comes to sensing people that have gone on before us, and lately I feel like that might be the case for her.  In the car the other day I kept looking in the mirror and seeing her sitting in her car seat and staring out the window with a big smile on her face.  I asked her what she was thinking about and she said "I'm just smiling back at my brother.  He's smiling at me right now."  She's also been saying things like she's talking to him or playing with him.  I love that she still gets to experience him.  She seems to still have a piece of him that is comforting to her whether it's real or not. 
For those of you that know Farrah, you know how much she loves mermaids.  There have been times I've seen her close her eyes and put her hands together and say "I wish to become a mermaid." (A line from one of her Barbie movies.)  She's always disappointed when she opens her eyes to discover she's not an actual mermaid.  Even when we try to pretend we're mermaids she always says "No, not pretend mermaid, I want to be a REAL mermaid!"  This distinction is very important between real and pretend because even though she's young she gets the difference.  A couple weeks ago she shared with me about the one time she became a real mermaid.  She said one night her brother came to her and he turned her into a real mermaid.  She got to swim in the ocean with her mermaid tail for one night and then he turned her back into a person.  She insists that this was real and not pretend.  Call me crazy but I have no doubt in my mind that her brother came to her in a dream and made this wish come true for her.  Love her to pieces.  I can't even imagine this journey without her. 

The Good Old days

I've found myself reminiscing a lot lately.  Abe and I have been together for almost 10 years.  We met when he was 18 and I was 19.  We started dating when I was 20 and we've been together ever since.  When I think about how young we were I wonder how I would feel if Farrah chose the same path.  It makes me uneasy to think about her getting married at 23 but I also know that it was right for us so if she makes that choice I know it will be what's best for her. Here we are as babies in college (yes we were over 21.)  I think my husband hasn't aged a bit.  In fact he still has that shirt :)

 

I've been thinking a lot about the carefreeness of those days.  I don't want to say that life was easier, but it was certainly a lot more simple.  Being in the line of work I'm in, I get to talk to lots of different people from lots of different walks of life and one thing I hear from the college crowd a lot is "I'm just so busy, I don't have time for (xyz.)"  I have to bite my tongue every time because inside all I'm thinking is "Are you kidding me?  This is probably the most time you will ever have until you retire so soak it up now kid!"  And then I start feeling really old.

But I think the same sentiment applies to us all.  We all get caught up in the act of being busy.  We're all so busy being busy and it's the first thing we give as an excuse for something we want to get out of.  But what I've learned in my almost 30 years on earth is that if something is important to you, you'll find a way to make it work.  Period.  End of story.  It's one thing to say that you're choosing  not to do something because it doesn't align with your values at this time, but I'm amazed at how many people use the "I'm too busy" excuse for something that could enhance their lives.  Going back to school, eating healthier, weekly date nights, whatever it may be.  My friends, time is not promised.  Make time for things that make your life better.  

Off my soapbox on that.  Back to the good old days.  I've been revisiting fond memories of our early days together.  Walks on the beach in Santa Barbara whenever we wanted, unlimited time together, our tiny studio apartment, the hodge podge of hand me down furniture.  Actually we still have a lot of that furniture so scratch that one.  Would I want to give up everything I have now to go back to that?  Absolutely not.  We are blessed beyond measure.  But when I think of those days, I am reminded that we really have been through so much together.  Those 20 year olds probably had no idea what was in store for them.  The pure joy, and the absolute sorrow.  I believe God gave me him and God gave me Farrah to make it through these last several months.  I have no doubt in my mind this wouldn't work if I had to do this with anyone else.   

I'm sure most couples that have been together longer than we have may think 9+ years is nothing, but when I think about all that has happened in these 9 short years, I'm sure it's more than most have to endure in an entire lifetime.  In one of my therapy sessions the therapist said that there was a study done on couples that had been married a long time compared to those that had been divorced.  The couples that stayed together didn't have any less life stressors.  They had just as many struggles with money, jobs, deaths, etc.  They did have better communication skills.  That is the reason why I know we're in it for a lifetime.