Loss

I debated whether or not to write about this subject and ultimately decided I wanted to because this blog is a story of our little corner of the world and what goes on in it and if I didn't include this, I would be leaving out a huge piece of our family. I also hope it helps anyone else going through the same thing.

We were very blessed with Farrah. We got pregnant with her very quickly and it was a very easy pregnancy... as easy as pregnancy can be. So after a few months of trying for baby #2 and no success, a couple of weeks ago I "felt pregnant." If this had been my first pregnancy I would have thought nothing of it, but I felt like I remembered feeling the first time around with Farrah. Very bloated. So I waited as long as I possibly could and that Thursday morning I took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning when I woke up. 2 pink lines. Ahhh!!! So excited! So I ran over to my husband who was still asleep in bed and practically shoved the stick in his face and he stared at it with a look of "what is going on right now?" on his face. He looked for a minute, then grabbed his glasses off his nightstand and then looked some more and then smiled. It was definitely different the second time around. Anticlimatic I guess. So I made my doctor's appointment for 3 weeks later and just waited. Then a couple days later I started to feel different. I just felt like I wasn't pregnant. I don't know how to explain it. I just felt like whatever was there was gone. I tried to just put the thoughts out of my head because it seemed crazy that I could just go on feeling this early on. Then I took another pregnancy test and still 2 lines, but this time the 2nd one was fainter than before. Shouldn't it be stronger a couple days later? Still put the thoughts out of my head. Then took another test the next day. Still 2 lines, still fainter than the one before. But I knew 2 lines meant pregnant no matter how strong or faint so I tried to put those thoughts out of my head.

Then came Tuesday morning. Normally my husband has Tuesday's off but that day he was going to take a half day and go in for a few hours in the morning. He got up before I did and was getting ready when I woke up to what felt like menstrual cramps. I remember thinking, "why does it feel like I'm starting my period?" and stood up to see I was bleeding. All I could say was "Oh no!" My husband came around the corner. "What?" he asked? "I'm bleeding," I said. He just kind of stared at me and said, "Umm ok, it's ok, let's call the dr." So I called the advice nurse and she tried to make it seem fine and calm but I knew it wasn't. She told me to get over to the dr.'s office right away so we went right over. They gave me an ultrasound but said it was too early to see anything so they had me go down to the lab and take a blood test. Then came the waiting. She said she would email me with the results and then I could come back again in a week for another ultrasound to see if anything was visible a week later.

Instead I got a call from the dr. a few hours later. When I saw the number in my caller ID my heart sank because I knew they don't call you unless it's bad news. When I answered she said "I just wanted to call you to say I'm sorry." She continued on but I don't really remember much of what she said, I'll I kept thinking about was my baby that was lost. I hung up the phone and wept. My husband had been in Farrah's room putting her down for a nap and when he came in the room and saw me, he knew and he held me and let me cry for as long as I needed to. I spent the rest of the day in and out of bed, not wanting to do much of anything.

The next day I surprisingly felt much better. I've known several people that this has happened to and that it is very common, so I think that helped ease the pain, but when you get delivered that kind of news, it really doesn't matter how common it is, or how other people dealt with it and got through it, all you can do is think of your situation and your baby.

I'm doing fine now. I thank God for letting me find out so soon instead of getting much further along. I also find comfort in my faith and am so grateful for all of the blessings God has given me that I now hug Farrah a little tighter and spend more time really watching her instead of just being with her. I love seeing her expressions and what makes her happy and sad. She is a special girl and a gift to me and her daddy.

To end on a lighter note, because who wants to end a misscarriage post feeling sad....When we were in the doctor's office and I was up on the table she took out the ultrasound machine and it was an internal ultrasound.... any of you preggos out there know what I'm talking about (shivers....) Farrah was up by my head with her daddy so she couldn't see anything but after about a minute she shouted "Daddy's turn! Daddy's turn!" She just kept shouting it and we were all laughing. The Dr. said "Hmmm I've never had anyone say that before, this is a first!" Gotta love her!

Hug your babies extra tight today. They are truly a miracle.

Valentine's day sickies

No I'm not one of those cool people that hates on Valentine's day.... I mean we were actually sick on Valentine's day. It all started on Friday when we went to a drop in play time at the Little Gym. Although I have no direct proof it started there, I am convinced the germs came from there so just go with me on this. There was a kid there that was coughing all over the place. And I feel like I know the difference now between a kid who is pretty much over a cold but has a lingering cough or lingering runny nose. This kid was straight sick. And I literally saw him cough in my kids face. Gross.... of course I ran over and removed my kid from his space but I think the damage was already done. Seriously though.... this isn't something so cool that your sick kid can't stay home.
Anyhoo... here are some pictures from that day.... in case you were wondering sick kid isn't in any of these pictures to protect the identity of sick kid and his mom. :)

Then I started to get sick Saturday night. I started pumping the Emergen-C but it was too late... sick kid's sickness had made it's way and there was no stopping it. Luckily all the vitamin C was keeping it from getting unbearable..... until Farrah woke up Sunday night hacking in the middle of the night. It's that moment when you're asleep and you wake up to the sound of coughing in the baby monitor and the first thing you think is "NOOOOOOOOOOOO..... please don't be sick!" Sure enough.... so we brought her in bed with us and she spent the rest of the night tossing and turning. Monday was a mommy/Farrah day and so I tried to do fun things inside with her. The weather was bad anyways so it was fine. I tried to get her to watch a movie with me. The only movie she's ever really watched is Bambi. So I thought The Little Mermaid might get her attention. It did for about 5 minutes and then she got up and started wandering around. I was all kinds of excited for her first Little Mermaid experience so I got out the camera thinking she was going to be as enchanted as I was as a little girl by a pretty, singing mermaid, but alas, 2 pictures in and it was over.

So onto art we went. She loves her some art. The hard part is, her idea of art is demanding I draw flowers for her. Smart kid, outsourcing.... I like it. I asked her if she wanted to do crafts and she said, "Yes. Do crap!" ::Giggles::

So the day was going by and I was running out of low key, sick day, indoors ideas. Luckily for me, I have a girly girl. She loves to watch me do my make up. She watches me wash my face and will copy me. So I thought I would bust out the pale pink nail polish and paint her nails for the first time. GENIOUS! She loved it! She even listened to me when I said to sit still and don't touch anything so she didn't ruin it. She sat so still. Love this kid!

So pretty!

"Mama too!" So I did mine too :)

Purdy girls

The worst came Monday night where she "slept" with us all night and between the 3 of us we got a collective 2 hours of sleep. No bueno. I do have to say, we have been incredibly blessed with very few sick episodes like this. Colds here and there, but not much that would keep the kid up at night. I will thank my lucky stars for that.

Just hoping this little lady feels better soon. She's a trooper. A trooper with cute nails.

Our Love Story Q & A

Our Love Story: Q & A
I saw this l quiz on From Mrs. to Mama and thought it looked like fun! Most of the people that read this blog probably know how we met, but hey, what the heck!

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

We've known each other since our Sophomore year at UCSB so that would make it 2004.

2. How did you meet? {What’s your “love” story?}

It all started with a footlong.... That's the joke my friends created at least. I needed a job in college and walked into a Quiznos that said they were hiring despite the fact I thought I was "too good" to work there and got hired on the spot... too quick for me to change my mind I guess. A couple days into my training I was told I was going to be trained by Abe and my first impression was that he was a little rude. He didn't say much to me at all and he was supposed to start making the sandwich, pass it down to me and tell me the name of it so I could finish. He kept forgetting to tell me what the sandwich was and the line just started piling up. I always tease him about this because he is the nicest guy in the world. Apparently he was just nervous around me ;) Long story short, we were just friends, I went to Spain for a semester, came back to Quiznos and something was different between us so we decided to start dating and here we are 8 years later!

3. If married, how long have you been married?

Married 3 years, 3 months and 23 days but who's counting?!

4. If you are married, where did you get married? Big or small wedding?

We got married at a park called Heather Farms in the Botanical Gardens. It was a gorgeous fall day and it was all we could have hoped for in our big day.

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

Oh gosh, hopefully none of his friends at work read this but we call each other poody. I do have to say it's one of the only annoying mushy couple things we do.

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

I seriously hit the jackpot with this one (that's not one of my 3 things but I had to say it.)

He is the most kind hearted person I've ever met. We have never once had a real fight, only disagreements here and there. I've heard from his family that when he was a kid he had a bit of a temper but I have never once seen it.

He is the most amazing father. Most girls when dating a guy will try to think about what kind of dad he might be. I knew immediately he would be great. I have always believed that parenting responsibilities and household responsibilities should be pretty equal and he has never made me feel like all of that should fall on me because I work from home. As we speak he's coloring a Dora picture with Farrah. I just love him

He has an inhuman amount of patience. I guess you would have to if you wanted to be an elementary school teacher :) It takes a lot for him to get frustrated and I'm the opposite so he helps balance me and calm me down. He also allowed me to follow my dream of becoming a Sales Director with Mary Kay and never once told me to go get a "real job." He had so much patience with me and was one of the only people who believed in me for a while. I don't know that I could have continued on without his support. He's just the best.

7. Tell us how he proposed?

Our first date wasn't really supposed to be a date. It was supposed to be a hang out night with the 2 of us and 1 other coworker but the coworker couldn't end up coming so it turned into an impromptu date (thanks Karen!). So after we moved back to the bay area, we sent back to Santa Barbara to see my sister and he arranged to surprise me with her and one of our friends. He had her take me to Chili's where we had our first date and he had decorated the bench outside where he had been waiting for me to arrive that first date that had become "our bench" every time we went there. He got down on one knee, and you know the rest of the story.

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

Neither. Not that he's not romantic, but we don't really get into all the Valentine's day kind of stuff. That and we have a toddler now so you know... we're kind of busy with that. When we can, we'll go out to dinner or he'll make me dinner. He's a great cook so I'll take that any day over a teddybear.

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

Anyone that knows me knows that I work hard, but when I'm done, I veg. I love me some trashy TV or a good movie. Pretty much from when we first started dating, I would hang out in sweats and a big shirt and watch Food Network or HGTV. No bait and switch here.... that's who I am and have always been. Luckily for me, he's fine with it (or so he says :) I definitely like a nice sunset dinner but how often do we really have the chance to do that?

10. Tell us one thing you’d like to do with your significant other one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?

Gosh where do I begin. I love traveling. So I would love to take a cruise, go to the Caribbean, Fiji, all places tropical. We traveled for a while after college so we made the rounds around Europe so I would like to get back there eventually but there are other places we haven't been that I'd like to go.

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine’s Day.

Don't think we have much of a plan. I work that night so we'll probably celebrate another night or maybe have a Vday lunch or something.

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine’s day?

Nope... a card would be nice, but we're in saving mode. I have everything I could possibly want.

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love.

Trust each other. And I don't mean being faithful... that's a given. But really trust each other with each decision the other person makes. One of the things I love about Abe is he never questions decisions I make. I never question his either. I know and he knows that any decision we make has our family's best interest at heart. Listen more than you talk. Put them above everyone else... everyone. Be each other's biggest cheerleaders. After all, what is a spouse for if not to be your biggest fan? When I was engaged someone asked me why I wanted to get married so young. (I got engaged at 22 and married at 24.) The best way I knew how to explain it was, when I think about the rest of my life, even if I live to be 100, it makes me sad to think that's all the time I have with him. And I can still say, after 8 years together I still feel the same way. Even in the middle of a disagreement, I would say the same thing.

14. Show us a picture of what love means to you

Potty Training.... well more like NOT potty training.

I'm kind of an impulsive person. When I decide I want something, I want it done yesterday. My poor husband. And so on Wednesday, I decided that since I had the whole day to do nothing but hang with my girl that I was going to deem it "potty training day." Those of you that have been through potty training probably just rolled your eyes at the concept of a "day" of potty training. I know, I know... naive newbie here.
We've had a couple of pottys (potties?... not sure how baby talk works in plural) for several months now, but up until this point it's been more of a toy to her than anything else. She sits and plays but has never really gone on it. I've bribed her with "Special stickers" but all that really has done is make her mad that she doesn't get one because she didn't go on the potty.
So my plan for Wednesday was to remove the diaper, put on her big girl Dora underwear, which she wears everyday anyways, just over her diaper, and hope she starts to figure it out. Luckily our downstairs has laminate hardwoods so clean up won't be a big deal.
The day started off promising. She didn't care she had no diaper on and of course loved her big girl "upywear" as she calls them. I put her in her high chair for a snack and when I came back over she had wet herself in her high chair and was just sitting there munching on her apples like nothing had happened. I said "Farrah let's go visit your potty." She said "No, no, no finish apple!" Did I mention homegirl is food motivated? After I got her out of her chair she freaked out when I tried to put her on her potty. I mean kicking and screaming kind of freak out. I feel like, as a mom, there are several instances a day where I think "uhhhh what am I supposed to do now?" She's never done this before and I didn't want her to be afraid of the potty so I didn't force it.
It was pretty much nap time and no way was I going to put her down for her nap without a diaper so I put her diaper on and put her down. When she woke up I took it off and took her back down to the potty and luckily she wasn't afraid. I figured she'd be sitting on the potty for a while because my plan was for her to just sit there until she went so I brought my camera just in case there was a "first potty on the potty" moment I needed to document. Instead Farrah and I just sat in the bathroom for close to 45 minutes just hanging out. She didn't get up off the potty but nothing to show for it. Except for some silly Mama/Farrah pictures.

That's Carrot Juice on her chin in case you were wondering if she has some strange birthmark.

Please excuse the hideous headband on my head. She is obsessed with headbands and wants everyone wearing one in her presence. Hence the one on my head, the one on hers, and the fistful of them in her little hands.
She has mastered her "cheese" face. Except she does it so fast my crappy camera can't catch it so what I usually get is her head turned to the side and her eyes half closed. But if you pull out a camera she will lean into you (see above) and say cheese on her own. Pretty cute if you ask me.

She wanted me to take a picture of myself so I said I was going to make a silly face.

This is what she did when I told her to make a silly face.... Ok if you say so.

Yep a balloon somehow made it into our potty time.

Model shots... what a little diva I have.

Needless to say, nothing on the potty so I put her underwear back on and we went outside to play. I told her if she felt like she was going to get wet to say "Pee pee mama" and we would run to the potty so we're outside for maybe 3 minutes and I see her pants start getting wet and she just looks down at the ground and stands there for a second not sure what to do so I scooped her up and ran toward the house to get her to her potty. As I'm running I said "Remember Farrah you're supposed to say "Pee Pee mama"" And she looks at me and says "Pee Pee Mama." Thanks kid. A little late but thanks.

Clean her up, change clothes, you know the deal. Go back outside to play and within 60 seconds I see her look down again and her pants get wet. At least this time she said it once she looked down and saw it instead of as we're running to the potty.

We topped off the day with a poop in the tub. Something she hasn't done in quite a while so that was fun. Needless to say, I don't think miss Farrah is too ready for potty training. She's still pretty young so we have time.

If you're trying this method just prepare yourself, clean up, change clothes, clean floor, rinse and repeat.

I'm proud of her for playing along with me for the day. If nothing else we got a lot of uninterrupted time together.

Order indicates priority

We've been attending church pretty regularly for a few months now and before that it was about 8 months of attending when it was convenient. I'm certainly not going to talk about religion on this blog because I have my opinions and I know other people have completely different ones but I will say that we have really enjoyed these last few months of committing a couple hours a week to attending church service. Farrah goes to the preschool while we are there. She hates it when we drop her off but she has such a good time and it's fun to go pick her up and watch her from the door playing with all the other kids until she notices us and comes running over.

Our pastor was recently doing a series entitled "Who's on first." Basically speaking on all of the many priorities we have in our lives and trying to achieve "balance." I recently heard someone say that there is no such thing as "balance." But while you may not ever be able to achieve balance, you can achieve harmony. I think I agree with that. Even someone like me who works from home so that I can have "balance" finds herself flustered from time to time.
Anyhoo back to the series at church. One of the things that he said that really stuck out to me was "Order indicates priority." That was one of those "ooooh.... write that down" moments. I thought about it for quite a while. He suggested the reason why we attend church on Sunday mornings is so we can give our first hours of the week to God. Another thing he said was that you can say what your priorities are all day long, but if I followed you around all day and saw what you spent most of your time on and your money on I'd be able to tell what really matters to you. Ughhhh... thoughts started racing through my head about how I spend my days. I know I'm not perfect but I do feel like I'm a pretty kick ass mom, wife, friend, worker, etc..... however I started to think about ways I could improve.

Order indicates priority.

I get up early every morning and make my coffee and head down to the computer to check my facebook, blog updates, people.com... you know, the necessary stuff. If order indicates priority, I'm not starting off my date with much indication of what truly matters to me. So I've started making some small changes and I already feel better. First thing I do when my alarm goes off is spend about 10 minutes praying.... something I've never done. I would show up to church, hear about how people pray, think "oh that's nice," but never do it for myself. After I pray I come downstairs and do 10 minutes of exercise. I'm sure you're laughing right now but I have been so bad about exercising since before I got pregnant with Farrah so 10 minutes a day is a whole lot more than I've done in quite a while. After I'm done with those things, I make my coffee and surf the web until baby girl wakes up. I've been trying to be more "present" with her when I'm present. I somehow inherited a trait from my mother that requires me to be doing something at all times. I don't like to just sit. So just sitting with Farrah and watching her play without accomplishing anything else at the same time has been difficult. But dishes aren't my priority, returning emails aren't my priority. She is.

I know not everyone believes in God like I do, but in my case, I feel like I'm relaying to God what's important to me. In your case, it might just make you feel really good that you started off your day with some things that really matter.

Baby girl is just waking up. I'm off to snuggle with her..... my priority.