Today marks 3 months since you went to be with Jesus. I can't believe we've made it this far. I worry about you up there. You're just a baby and I'm so used to taking care of you. I'm your mom so it's my job to worry. I guess you're in the best hands I could ever ask for.
Farrah talks about you all the time.... like all the time. But I'm sure you already knew that. She always tries to play with you. She runs around the house saying you're chasing her. She falls to the ground and says you knocked her down. She says you wake her up at night so you two can play. I didn't realize it was possible to warm my heart and break my heart at the same time.
There's not much to say on this day other than we miss you terribly and love you to heaven and back.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Case of the Mondays
It's Monday so you know what that means..... facebook blows up with people complaining about what day it is. Counting down the days until the weekend despite the fact they were just weekending less than 12 hours ago. I get it.... really I do. A study recently came out that for the first time ever, more than 50% of people hate their jobs. So I guess I can understand why at least half of you hate Mondays.
I, on the other hand, happen to like Mondays most of the time. Sometimes I might even say I love them. There's something about a fresh start that makes me happy. If you had a bad week, now is your chance to change the outcome of this week. A mental reset button of sorts.
I grew up around many people that worked very hard, but I would never say any of them loved their jobs. There is something to be said for people who continue to work hard, regardless of their feelings about their jobs, don't get me wrong. But part of me always wondered, if you're not happy, why don't your change it?
If you've learned anything at all from reading my blog, I hope it's that you realize how short life can be and the importance of time. The time we do have, and the time we may not have. I pray the rest of you don't have to learn that lesson the way I did and instead just decide today to take advantage of the time you do have so that you can look back on your life with no regrets.
Hear my heart, I'm not telling you to run into work today, give your boss the finger and say "peace out." But if you're not happy about something in your life, change it. If it's something you can't change, pray for peace about it. Simple as that. I'm not saying everyday will be easy. We've all been dealt cards we feel are unfair, but I'm astounded at how many people are willing to stay in an unhappy situation, rather than dig deep to change it.
I have no idea how many of my friends read this blog, but if you have read this one and it has pulled on your heartstrings a bit, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you post something on your facebook page today about something great that happened to you? Small or big, it doesn't matter. Positive status updates and pictures seem to be few and far between, especially on a Monday. I would love nothing more than to hear from my friends about all the great things that are going on in their lives.
Happy Monday friends!
I, on the other hand, happen to like Mondays most of the time. Sometimes I might even say I love them. There's something about a fresh start that makes me happy. If you had a bad week, now is your chance to change the outcome of this week. A mental reset button of sorts.
I grew up around many people that worked very hard, but I would never say any of them loved their jobs. There is something to be said for people who continue to work hard, regardless of their feelings about their jobs, don't get me wrong. But part of me always wondered, if you're not happy, why don't your change it?
If you've learned anything at all from reading my blog, I hope it's that you realize how short life can be and the importance of time. The time we do have, and the time we may not have. I pray the rest of you don't have to learn that lesson the way I did and instead just decide today to take advantage of the time you do have so that you can look back on your life with no regrets.
Hear my heart, I'm not telling you to run into work today, give your boss the finger and say "peace out." But if you're not happy about something in your life, change it. If it's something you can't change, pray for peace about it. Simple as that. I'm not saying everyday will be easy. We've all been dealt cards we feel are unfair, but I'm astounded at how many people are willing to stay in an unhappy situation, rather than dig deep to change it.
I have no idea how many of my friends read this blog, but if you have read this one and it has pulled on your heartstrings a bit, I have a favor to ask of you. Can you post something on your facebook page today about something great that happened to you? Small or big, it doesn't matter. Positive status updates and pictures seem to be few and far between, especially on a Monday. I would love nothing more than to hear from my friends about all the great things that are going on in their lives.
Happy Monday friends!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Realizations
It's good to be writing again. Things have been busy lately. I just got back from a business trip to New Orleans. That was an adventure in itself. As I was leaving the house to head to the airport I felt pretty anxious. It was my first time being away from family since Kellen passed. Everything has an entirely different meaning now. The littlest things become the biggest things and the big things become little.
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio. Bear with me on this one. I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life." I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is. You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs.
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed." I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like. My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life. The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways. Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?"
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not. Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day. Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private. What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could. Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life. There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now. It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now. But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life. My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself.
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen. The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have. I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet. A pleasant surprise. Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again. I love his little face in the picture. My sweet little boy. Oh how we miss you.
I was driving yesterday and a One Direction song came on the radio. Bear with me on this one. I am by no means a One Direction fan, but I kept hearing the hook of the song "The story of my life." I got very emotional when I started to think about what the story of my life is. You know I've been through a lot if I'm crying from boyband songs.
I keep hearing from people that "we're doing so well" and "if I were in your place, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed." I can never really put in to words what my true feelings are so it's hard to explain to people what it's like. My husband explained it really well when he said "That day was the absolute worst day of my life. The emotions of that day creep up unexpectedly anyways. Why would I purposely want to stay in that place over and over again?"
So as I was driving I thought about why it seems that I'm doing so well to others when really, I'm not. Others don't get to see my random crying fits throughout the day. Others don't get to feel the burning in my throat and chest when I think about him. I'm not doing well, most of that emotion is something I choose to keep private. What I came up with yesterday as Harry Styles was singing in the background, was that Kellen's passing changed me more than anything else ever could. Finding the love of my life, giving birth, nothing at all compares to how this event has changed me. It's something I will live with for the rest of my life. There is not a single thing that I look at the same way now. It's like there was an entirely different world before he went to heaven than there is now. But at the same time I don't want to be defined by it. I don't want to be the grieving mother for the rest of my life. My heart will never heal from this, but I need to continue moving forward for my husband, for my daughter and for myself.
One thing I think about often is how I have a limited number of pictures of Kellen. The pictures of him that I have now are all I'll ever have. I grabbed a camera that I don't use very often and went to pull pictures off of it and found a couple of him on there that I hadn't uploaded yet. A pleasant surprise. Almost like I got a new, small piece of him again. I love his little face in the picture. My sweet little boy. Oh how we miss you.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
God and other things nobody likes to talk about
I didn't grow up going to church. I think I went to some sort of preschool camp churchy thing at one point but that was the extent of it. Not because my parents didn't believe in God, but they just never made it a priority. A few years ago I felt the need to to join a church. I went on a quest for the perfect church. We tried several churches and it felt like we were just doing something we were supposed to do but nothing felt quite right. Until we found our current church. As close to perfect in my eyes as a church could be. Welcoming, people from different walks of life, a feeling of home. So we became regular attenders. But I still felt as though my level of faith was no where near a lot of Christians I knew. Then Kellen passed away. Was I angry? Yes. I still am. Was I angry at God? No. It's not to say that won't change. I'm no expert on grief just because I've been immersed in it for a couple months. But at this point, God is the only thing that brings me comfort.
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering. One of them was an atheist. I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs. I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK. But something he said stood out to me. He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again. I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years. I think about it often, especially now. It makes me sad. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again. If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now.
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in. I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again. Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us. Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :)
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known. Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days. Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card. When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart. Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet. It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card. Just seeing his name still gets me emotional. Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room. I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while. I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music. This was Kellen's favorite toy. His absolute favorite. I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it. He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that. So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him. I knew Kellen was trying to say hi. As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him.
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around. Until we meet again, sweet boy.
I remember one time overhearing a conversation between a couple people at a gathering. One of them was an atheist. I must preface this by saying, just because I have my beliefs does not mean I think any less of someone that does not share my beliefs. I love that part of being an American means we can all believe whatever we want to believe and IT IS OK. But something he said stood out to me. He mentioned that one of his relatives had passed away recently and how sad he was because he knew he would never see them again. I was so impacted by that conversation that I've carried it with me for years. I think about it often, especially now. It makes me sad. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that Kellen is with God in heaven, and we will see him again. If I didn't have that to hold on to, I'm not sure what my emotions would be right now.
Thankfully I haven't had anyone I know with those beliefs say anything to me about the situation we're in. I dare anyone to tell a grieving mother that there is no heaven and that they won't see their child again. Seriously, you don't want to open that box with us. Sweet Krista can get a little crazy when it comes to her kids :)
I also believe that our loved ones that have passed on are watching over us and that they make their presence known. Kellen has been trying to make his presence known over these past few days. Farrah had a doctor's appointment so I had to pull some of her medical records and grab her medical card. When I went to pull her records that I needed, the first thing that I saw when I opened the file was Kellen's height and weight chart. Then I went to grab her card out of Abe's wallet. It was in the part with the clear cover over it and when I grabbed it out, beneath it was Kellen's card. Just seeing his name still gets me emotional. Then when we went to the Doctor's office, we were sitting in the waiting room, our backs to most of the room. I heard familiar music that I hadn't heard in a while. I turned around and saw a baby, probably about the age Kellen would be now, and he was holding a blue seahorse toy playing music. This was Kellen's favorite toy. His absolute favorite. I would push the seahorse's tummy to start the music every night before I left Kellen's room and he would grab it and snuggle with it. He loved it so much that when the funeral home asked if we wanted him cremated with anything, we chose that. So when I turned around and saw this little boy, I just stared at him. I knew Kellen was trying to say hi. As much as I love these little messages from Kellen, there's nothing I want more than to hold him.
So while anger and sadness are definitely common emotions lately, I'm so grateful for the comfort I receive from God and from the signs my sweet Kellen is still around. Until we meet again, sweet boy.
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