Memories

This morning I could not stop thinking about one of my favorite Kellen memories so I thought I would share it with you all.  It's funny how the things that seemed so little at the time have left such a lasting impact on me. 
Last year sometime late in the summer we were invited by our dear friends to go to an SF Giants game.  They had gotten free tickets and had a couple extra and we really wanted to go but couldn't find last minute child care.  We wanted to go and have some fun with our friends without dragging the kids along but we were forced to either stay home or bring the kids.  We weren't sure how they would both last 9 innings sitting on our laps but we decided to take them along so we didn't miss out all together.
Kellen was in a great mood that day.  I was worried about not being able to put him down since he was in the squirmy phase.  But he did great on our laps.  We took the BART train into the city and the ride in is something I won't forget.  It was packed.  Thankfully someone ended up giving me their seat so I could sit with Kellen.  A few minutes into the ride we went into a tunnel.  It got dark but our reflections popped up in the window and Kellen noticed himself and was very amused by this.  He was smiling and laughing  and then when it would get light outside and his reflection would go away he'd get quiet and stare at the window with confusion until we went through another tunnel and his reflection popped up and he would start laughing all over again.  Pretty soon the whole train took notice and everyone was captivated by this happy boy.  Thankfully, my friend who's been known to take a few pictures, snapped this photo.

I will never forget that day.  Kellen's first and only baseball game.  But more than that, that simple train ride that seemed like nothing at the time.  Kellen caught a lot of people's attention with his innocent smile.  I am so grateful for this memory.

Can't we all just get along?

The internet has been interesting lately.  I don't know if I'm just more aware of it, or if it's becoming more prevalent, but people seem to have a lot of extreme opinions that they would like to share with the world without regard for other people's opposing beliefs. 
As a youngin' (now that I'm almost 30 I can say that), my beliefs were on the liberal side.  A peace and love kind of girl.  Now that I've gained a few years and a few children, I've gotten a little more conservative.... a little.  However this post is not meant to be a political one.  One of the things I love most about this country is that we are all entitled to our own opinions.  And yet it seems like the internet has given people license to say hurtful things.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, why has it become necessary to bash an opposing view in order to validate our own opinions? 
I've had to force myself to stop reading all the "articles" posted on facebook because they usually set me off.  One in particular that set me off a couple weeks ago that was a sponsored ad on facebook (even worse) entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) Christian Celebrities."  I won't even link the article because I don't want to give them any foot traffic.  Again, not to bring up religion or politics, but when I saw the title of the article I was really taken aback.  Especially with some of the hot button issues with minority groups that have been in the news lately.  Why is it ok for us to single out any particular group of people and call them annoying?  Can you imagine if the article was entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) (insert minority group here)?"  There would be an uproar, people would boycott, the website would make a formal apology, we'd talk about it at the water cooler for a few days and eventually, Lindsey Lohan would do something stupid again and we'd all shift our attention to talking about what a train wreck she is. One of their targets was Martin Sheen and he was deemed "annoying" for being pro-life.  Really?  That makes someone annoying?  That's when my days of reading pointless internet articles came to a close.  I'm pretty sure my exact words were "I can't.... I just can't." 
Maybe it's the direction life has taken me, but I have no time for hateful comments towards anyone. We've become such an anti-bullying society (as we very well should) and yet as adults we make exceptions in certain situations.  Why is that? 
Another article I read a while back about the Duggar family opened my eyes to the mean spirited nature of the internet.  I was guilty of judging them myself.  20 kids may cause you to raise an eyebrow.  But what the writer pointed out was that this family has 20 very well behaved children.  Their family is self sufficient, requiring zero assistance from the government.  None of them have been arrested or done anything to make this world a worse place.  So why the hate?  Who cares if their beliefs don't line up with yours?  Shouldn't we be focusing on the people who drain society instead of the ones who have made it better? 
My intention is not to cause a political debate.  If it turns into that then you obviously missed the point of this whole post.  I'm just fortunate enough to have an outlet to blow off some steam for you all to hear :)  So since I'm on a kick of wanting to rid my brain of pointless internet articles I want to finish with something that actually matters.  Losing a child changes you as you've probably noticed from my last 8 months of blog posts.  And this week it was brought to my attention that another family (whom I've never met) put their sweet baby boy to sleep and he didn't wake up.  If you feel inclined to give as so many wonderful people did for us in our time of need, please do so on
https://fundly.com/in-loving-memory-of-maddix
Or give to any other legitimate cause you feel inclined to.  Life is too short to expend energy on the negativity of others.  There are much more important things going on that could really use our attention.

Then and now

This pregnancy is quite different than the last.  For many reasons.  Many of you may remember all the fun complications I had when I was pregnant with Kellen.  Thankfully, I don't have those same complications this time around.  I was holding my breath until the 20 week ultrasound when they would be able to tell if I had the same thing this time and, thankfully, that was not the case. 
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be.  She's been praying for another brother or sister.  But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby.  She almost seems cautiously excited.  The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven.  I didn't know how to answer that question.  Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes.  Again, I didn't know how to answer that question.  She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her.  I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house.  He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's. 
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened.  I was always the parent that didn't worry too much.  Kids will be kids, right?  She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever!  She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine.  But it's different now.  Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you.  If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids.  I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes.  I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates.  And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind.  I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit.  I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down.  I have to see her move a little bit.  I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person.  A different mom.  A different wife.  A different friend.  But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger.  While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier.  The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy.  I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so).  But now I can cry at the drop of a hat.  Doesn't take much.  This experience has forced me to feel more.  One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us.  My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy.  My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again.  Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy. 
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer.  "Is this your first child?"  "Nope."  "Your second?"  In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer.  While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child.  I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen.  I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others.  It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do. 
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy."  I understood what they meant.  Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby.  But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me.  If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction.  But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby.  I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts.  And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will.  But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed.  As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same.  The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process.  Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.)  So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity.  I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)