My 2013

How cliche is it for me to say this year went by so fast?  Well it did!  Seems like that's the case every year.  This year has obviously been different than most.  When I think on what I want for 2014 I'm at a loss for how to feel.  Yes, I do have hopes and goals, but it's not the same as before.  Everyone always says things like "I just hope for my family and friends to be happy and healthy.  That's all I could ask for."  Well what happens when your family is not all healthy and happy?  What does that mean for us? 
I struggle with a combination of feeling extremely blessed by all that we do have, but on the other hand, if I don't have my son, what does it mean anyway?
I'm really quite shocked at what this blog has turned into this year.  I started this blog almost 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Farrah as a way to keep our out of town family and friends in the loop with what was going on in our lives.  On average I would say I had about 20 views of my blog per post.  Then, the first post I wrote after Kellen passed has had 1772 views to date.  I don't think I even know that many people. I can't even begin to thank everyone for what they've done for us this year.  If there's one thing I've learned from this year it's that we have the best family and friends on the entire planet.  Literally.... I checked, it's science.  Thank you for loving us, loving this blog and showing us that Kellen's life mattered to you all. 
Abe and I are the first to admit that we maybe took on a lot early in our relationship, more than others thought was wise.  We got married somewhat young, we bought a house young, we had kids right after we got married.  Was it the right choice for us?  Yes.  Would I recommend it for everyone?  No.  This year has brought a lot more changes for us.  Other than the obvious, we have made adjustments to our lifestyle based on our priorities.  Abe left a great job so that he could be a stay at home dad.  We've never shied away from making the right choice for us because we were afraid of what others would think. 
While I'm mostly an open book, there's one thing that I feel I should keep to myself on this public platform of a blog, and that's my relationship with my husband.  I think most things about us should stay between us.  But what I will say is that I have never been more clear that I married the most perfect man on the planet for me.  I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else by my side.  He holds me up when I don't think I can stand one more minute, and I hope I do the same for him too.  I thank God everyday for placing him in my life. 
So 2014, what do you hold for us?  When I ask myself that question the only image that comes to mind is Abe, Farrah and I holding hands and walking down a dirt road together.  So I guess I just pray that we continue moving forward.  That we can continue to walk together as a family, hand in hand. That's all I could really ask for.

This picture was taken on October 28th.  The day before Kellen grew his angel wings.  I realized I didn't have a picture of my 2 kiddos together as the backdrop for my phone so I told Farrah to kiss her brother and I snapped this one and I set it as my wallpaper.  I can't bring myself to change it.  I wouldn't be surprised if it stays there forever.  I will cherish this poor quality, Iphone picture for the rest of my life.  This is how I want to remember my 2013. 

Breath of Heaven

As I laid in bed last night, my thoughts racing, I said a quick prayer that God would hold me together today.  I was reminded of a Christmas song by Amy Grant called "Breath of Heaven."  It's about Mary realizing the great responsibility of carrying the Son of God. 

"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now."

While my situation is obviously a much different one, I still found myself dwelling for a few moments on this load that we have been given.  I try not to stay in this negative space for too long.  It will totally consume you if you do.  That is not a good space for anyone to be in.  Especially on Christmas.  But every once in a while I allow myself to have a pity party.   Last night was one of those times.  

I couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas is to us now, and what it will be for us for the rest of our lives.  It's nothing like I thought it was before.  Did we buy gifts for Farrah?  Sure.  Did we decorate?  Yep.  Are we celebrating with our family today?  Of course.  But it will never be the same.  

I know this sounds silly but sometimes I let my imagination run away with me and just picture someone busting into our house holding Kellen and yelling "We made a mistake!  He's fine, here he is."  That somehow he will come back home.  I wonder what he would be doing this Christmas.  Would he be walking?  He was very close to that point right before he went to heaven.  Would he be saying any words?  What presents would we have gotten him?  I could go on and on.  

Yesterday we went to his grave.  It was the first time we have been back since the service.  In away it was even harder than his service.  There was no hustle and bustle.  No flowers, family, Pastors, balloons released or anything but us and his little stone. One of my many "ugly cry" moments of the past few days.
My best friends made us a beautiful gift.  She is the queen of pinterest without being on pinterest.  She comes up with the best ideas.  Those of you that knew Kellen whether you met him in person or just saw his pictures on facebook got to see the many expressions he had. I swear he never made the same face twice.  So they created a "How am I feeling today?' board.  There are lots of pictures of Kellen on there and Abe, Farrah and myself each have our own ring to hang our picture on how we may be feeling that day. 

Most days I don't even know how to feel.  I'm so all over the board (no pun intended) with my emotions that I think my ring will be on a permanent state of:

 Farrah keeps saying she's happy and hangs hers on one of his many happy faces.  She always asks why mine is on a sad face.  I explain to her it's ok to be sad.  We just really miss Kellen and sometimes that comes out with happy memories and sometimes we're just sad.  I won't lie, sadness has been a pretty common feeling for me.  If I'm not thinking about him, I'm ok so you may see me looking happy and I probably am in that moment, but the second I start to think about him or see his picture, it's an instant, overwhelming feeling of sadness and I can cry at the drop of a hat.  It doesn't take much. Thankfully I have a few crying face pictures to hang my ring on in those moments.

More than anything, when I think of Kellen I think of his huge, over the top smile.  So today I'm choosing to hang my ring on this picture.  One of the pure joy he exuded everyday.  He was a joy.  He was my joy. 

 So as we head into 2014 I just pray that God helps hold us together.  For now, that's all I could possibly ask for. 

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy."

Fears

We are still waiting on the final report from the coroner about what exactly happened with Kellen.  It's such a hard thing to wait for.  I'm not exactly sure what to be thinking.  The day he passed when we were talking with the coroner, he said they would do an initial autopsy and if they didn't find anything, they would have to send his bloodwork to the a lab on the east coast and it could take up to 90 days to hear anything.  The initial autopsy showed nothing.... and so we wait.
We were certainly aware of SIDS, I mean they send you home with paperwork about it, your pediatrician makes sure you're following all the suggestions, you just don't think it would never happen to you.  I struggle with the fact that Kellen was 11 months old.  It's so rare for SIDS to occur at that age.  Of course he was sleeping on his stomach.  He was rolling over by 6 months and at 11 months he was rolling around in his crib, sitting up, pulling himself up to standing and holding on to the rails of his crib.  Not exactly the phase you're worried about something like this happening. 
After this happened, I've done more research and stumbled on the story of a family that lost their baby to SIDS when she fell asleep on her dad's chest and they both napped together.  We have all seen those pictures.  Here's one of Abe and Farrah doing the same thing.

I can't imagine that family's heartbreak. I thought I would pass it along, just to remind everyone it's not safe. 
Anyhow, as a new mom, I always thought that SIDS was my worst fear.  I even remember telling my best friends about my worst fear long before Kellen was even born.  And now that I have lived through it, and I wait for the results, it's strangely become what I hope to hear.  If I hear back that it was SIDS, I feel as though I can release it, that it was a fluke, and not something that I somehow missed or overlooked.  I've been able to wrap my brain around SIDS, but I don't know how to feel if it comes back as something else.  He went to sleep peacefully and just didn't wake up.  That's what I have to keep telling myself. 
As you can imagine, living through your worst fear changes you.  And surprisingly, it's not all bad.  Not many little things scare me anymore.  I'm not afraid to step out of my comfort zone like I sometimes was before.  I'm not afraid of failing when I try something new.  And I'm certainly not afraid to let people know how I feel as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. 
Something that stood out to me on this topic recently was the show "Long Island Medium."  For those of you that haven't seen it, this fantastic lady with big blonde hair and ridiculously long nails is able to communicate with people that have passed away in her fantastic Long Island accent, all while wearing stilettos.  It's a pretty awesome show.  I used to watch that show and with most of the stories I would get pretty emotional.  Especially the ones where they had lost a spouse or a child.  So I finally decided to watch it again.  I had a few episodes saved on my DVR and one night when Abe was working late, I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, warm blanket, and my box of tissues ready.  I made it through all 3 episodes and not a single tear.  There was even a story on one of the episodes about a woman that had lost her son and still, nothing.  The only thing I could come up with as to why the show didn't have the same effect on me is that before I would watch and think "I can't even imagine.  I just can't even imagine.  That's my worst fear."  And now well......
I'm sure it may come across as a tad bitter, that I've become jaded.  I really don't think that's it.  I just think my heart can't possibly be the same as it was before.  A new sweet friend of mine that also lost her son to SIDS said so eloquently, when something like this happens your heart shatters into a million pieces like dropping a plate on the floor, and as time goes on, Farrah and any other children we may have will help glue back together all the pieces but it will never be the same plate as it was before. 

A better me

*Warning- the tone of this post is meant to be lighthearted.  If you are guilty of any of the things I'm going to mention, please understand I'm not angry about it, I find a lot of it humorous actually, so know that it's not something to get offended about.... just laugh with me people.  I need more of that right now.

If there's one thing I'm sure people don't understand about me right now it's some of the choices I've made to take on more right now.  It may seem like now is the time for me to slow down to a halt and just be grateful if I made it through a day.  And there are days that are just like that.  Days where I find myself crying because I passed by his room and it brought up a memory and emotion and I just can't seem to get it together.  Days like that, I allow it to happen.  I don't force myself to do anything I'm not up for.  But if I'm feeling functional, I'm trying to leverage that to keep moving forward positively.  If not, then most of my days will be consumed by sadness and that's not a good mental state for everyone.  So while some of our choices right now may cause you to raise an eyebrow, please know that we're doing what's best for us.
I myself, have been guilty of judging situations like this in the past.  In the news a while back there was a story about a man named Dr. William Petit.  His home was broken into by 2 men and his wife and two daughters were murdered and he was the only one left alive.  A few years later it came up that he was getting remarried and then that him and his new wife were expecting a baby.  I immediately went in to a judgmental mode.  How could he do that?  So soon?  Like they never existed?  I thought about it again the other day, and while it's not to say I would make the same choices in his situation, I feel for him and I understand he made that choice.  I feel like a huge piece of me is gone and never coming back.  I can't imagine if my entire family was ripped away from me how I would feel.  The piece that I wasn't understanding was that he wanted and needed to feel happy again.  How can you fault someone for that?
Here's a few things I've been doing differently since Kellen passed.  There is a method behind my madness.  Please understand I will never feel the need to justify our choices, but this blog is about our life and so I'm excited to share with you what's going on with us.

• A healthier me!  I used to be super fit in college (why do I feel like I'm not the only one that has uttered those words?)  But after I entered the "real world" it seemed as if that slipped from my priority list.  So much so that I went from working out daily to never.  We got a gym membership back in June but I was hit or miss with going.  I'd go a 2-3 times per week for a little bit, then take a couple weeks off from going.  When Kellen passed, one of the things that really struck me was how my perfectly healthy little man's body just stopped working.  And here I am, sitting on the couch, not using my body to stay healthy.  I think about him when I'm driving to the gym.  I usually go in the morning.  It's quiet on the drive so I have some time to reflect.  When I don't feel like going, I have a much stronger image in my head then most people do to force me out the door.  I want to make healthier choices for him, for my family, and for myself.  So when I hear people telling me to take it easy, I usually brush it off.  I'm sure you can tell by looking at me that I'm not wasting away so not to worry, I'm just working on being healthy.  I'm still working on the food part.  Sugar is my downfall.  Guilty as charged.  But I'm working on it. 
• Along the same lines, much less TV.  I used to watch a few shows throughout the day.  Now, because of a combination of no time, and not wanting to use the time I do have to watch TV, I'm usually only watching one show at night with my hubby before bed.  I have so many shows set to automatically record on my DVR (hello Judge Judy!) that have gotten so backed up I'm sure I couldn't watch them all in my lifetime.  I used to think of watching shows on my DVR as checking off something on my to do list.  Seriously.  It sounds bad when I type it out, probably because it is.  But I would seriously think, Oh I need to get to those shows I've been meaning to watch.  Seriously?  
• Career choices.  I'm used to this one.  People typically don't get what I do.  At first, I tried to convince them that I was making the right choice for me.  All I did was frustrate myself even more so I stopped doing that.  I just put my head down, put my blinders on and went to work.  It seems to have reappeared recently, however.  Mostly because Abe and I made the decision for him to leave his full time job to be home and for me to start working my business more.  It was always in our plans to do this, but Kellen just fast forwarded our plans.  As Abe has put it "The gift Kellen has given me is to allow me to be home with the people that matter most."  So naturally, the questions start to come up about our plans now.  Our plan is just that.  I will work more and Abe will stay home.  He will be a stay-at-home dad and help me in the office for the business.  Like I had mentioned in a previous post, people sometimes feel the need to fix the situation, this is another thing they feel the need to fix.  They offer suggestions as to what I could do, or what Abe could do, and I always just smile and nod.  One of these days I may just say "Oh yes... my degree I totally forgot about that thing!  You're right, I should totally use that!  Thanks for the suggestion!"  I hope you all understand my tone in all this.  I'm not angry when people say these things, I'm just amused.  

So there you have it.  We're making changes for the better.  We think things through.  We don't need anyone worrying about it.  Support is all we need right now. 

It's crazy to me to think that in 10 years I will have a child in high school.  I wish when I was in high school I had half the confidence that my 4 year old does.  I just pray that she hangs on to it and doesn't let the world change her. I mean the girl can rock a pair of my 4 inch heels like it's nothing.   

Yesterday I witnessed something that made me very sad.  I was going with Farrah to get starbucks and drove to the one closest to us that happens to be close to the high school near our house.  I didn't even realize what time it was until I got over there and saw all the crowds of kids hanging out in the shopping center.  3:05pm.  Ughhh.... why did I come to this starbucks?  I know how disrespectful high school kids can be and I just figured I would have to deal with trying to navigate my car through a crowded parking lot with kids who didn't care to get out of the way of cars.  But what I witnessed was beyond what I could have expected.  There were about 4 cop cars in the parking lot just watching the kids, telling them to move it along, go home, get out of the way of the cars coming at them (like seriously, how arrogant can they be that a car is coming towards them and they still don't move because they just assume we'll see them and stop for them.) 

 I pulled up to the starbucks drive thru window and when the windows opened I heard shouting inside.  I guess some  kids were causing a scene inside and they were yelling at the people working there.  The employees were shouting back that the cops were on the way and they needed to leave.  I asked the girl if it was normal for it to be this crazy at this time and she said it's always crazy but this week in particular because the day before there was a fight at the McDonald's next door so they had lots of police here to try and avoid more problems.  I looked up to see two teenage girls spouting off at the mouth to the police officers, refusing to move.  After much push back the cops finally decided to arrest them.  I'm shaking my head thinking about if I ever saw my child speak to anyone like that let alone a cop, she would have bigger problems than jail.  

I paid for my coffee, and as I started to drive away the Starbucks girl yelled "good luck!" as I drove away.  I slowly crept forward, locked our doors and prayed I could find the quickest way to get out of this situation.  I slowly navigated my way through the crowd and tried to get to the parking lot exit furthest from the crowd.  As I was making my way out I saw a fight break out on the other side of the parking lot and to my surprise it was two girls flinging each other around by the hair.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I'm just glad Farrah was concentrating hard on her scone so she didn't notice anything going on around us.  As soon as it broke out, all the kids from the other side of the parking lot came flying over like a swarm of bees.  No regard for the cars driving, they just ran. I saw several of them almost get hit.  I'm not exaggerating when I say probably 200 kids were running across the parking lot and all I could do was keep my foot on the break and hope none of them ran into my car because the likelihood of them actually taking responsibility for any damage to my car was slim to none.  As soon as I saw a small break in the crowd I took the chance and sped through the parking lot and prayed no idiot teenager jumped in front of my car.  

Once I made it safely out of the parking lot I was kind of in shock.  Is this what teenagers are like?  While I know I was no angel in high school, there were disrespectful kids, there was even the occasional fight, I know it was nothing like what I saw.  I was smart enough to know to keep my mouth shut if I was going to get arrested (not that I ever was close to getting arrested, but you know what I mean.)  

So I started to try to come up with a solution.  Like most women, I see a problem and I want to solve it.  My first thought was, what can the school do to fix this problem?  We're so quick to blame the schools and the teachers aren't we?  But as I thought about it, there was no solution from the schools that I could think of.  How can they possibly control our children after school gets out?  How is that their responsibility?  

So I began to wonder what it was about my upbringing that made it so unfathomable to act that way, when to these kids it was just another Wednesday?  My parents didn't beat me, they only even spanked me a couple times in my entire life.  They didn't scream at me, or belittle me.  Two things stick out to me, though.  We had a healthy fear of them and they had us involved in lots of activities.  I always knew my moms "look" and I was so afraid of what would happen if I persisted past the point of getting the look so I never really tested her.  Well, ok there may have been one incident which we still talk about to this day in which I rolled my eyes and walked away from her so she followed me to my room and then sat on me to force me to listen.  We have differing views as to how this really went down.

  We played practically every sport, and I could probably have been my own marching band with all the different instruments I learned at different points in my life.  Don't ask me how to play anything now because I don't remember but they served their purpose at the time.

So while there is no "answer" to solving foolishness, I believe that whatever it is, will start in the home.  If there's anything that losing a child has taught me, it's that being a parent is an absolute privilege not to be taken lightly.  Of all the jobs we have as adults, if you have a child, it's important that we don't lose sight of that fact that being a parent is the most important.  I pray for those kids  acting crazy in the parking lot.  I pray that their parents are able to guide them to leading a productive life and not a destructive one.  I pray for myself daily.  I know that sounds strange, but knowing that I don't have all the answers, I pray that God will steer me in the right direction when it comes to being a parent.  And I pray for my sweet Farrah.  That she will never loose her confidence.  That she will always stand up for what is right.  That she won't allow bullies to tear her down.  That she will continue dancing.  That she will continue to be a good friend to all.  That she will one day be a great parent. 

What to say to someone like me

Time sure is moving quickly isn't it?  It  feels like I just brought Kellen home from the hospital and yet 2013 is coming to a close.  One of the things I've noticed as time is going on is that people's reactions when they hear what happened are changing.  When it first happened and I told people, I would get a lot of looks of horror, genuine emotion, even some people who cried with me.  Now when I have to say "my son passed away a little over a month ago" I get a lot of "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," said back to me.  It's obviously hard to convey emotion on a computer but you get the idea.  As if, since it's been a month it's somehow less horrifying and emotional.  

It hit me yesterday that it's only going to get harder for me and my family as time goes on, and for everyone else it gets easier to wrap their brain around it.  Not that anyone wants to see this kind of thing happen but they can bounce back while I will never be able to.  It reminded me of both times I gave birth.  At first you're saying "I just had a baby" and that means something to people.  It means you're getting no sleep, you're flaky, you probably look like a hot mess, you may not have bounced back to your pre baby body yet, and people are perfectly accepting of that.  But after about a year if you keep saying "I just had a baby" it doesn't quite have the same effect. 

When Kellen passed away my Pastor told us that a lot of people will probably not know what to say to you so they just won't say anything at all.  It's not because they don't care but they just don't know what to say.  They feel like they need to have the answers for you and since they don't they just don't say anything to you.  Boy was he right about that.  Pretty much every person that messages me or runs in to me dances around it then usually says "I just don't know what to say."  I don't blame you at all.  I would be the same way.  

I thought I might tell you some things that I find helpful.  Not everyone grieves the same way so these may not work for everyone experiencing loss but in my limited experience I've found these things helpful: 

• Ask how I'm doing in this moment.  Asking how I'm doing in general can be a loaded question because I can't wrap all that emotion into a sentence and I don't want to just dump all my baggage on some poor unsuspecting soul who just asked how I was doing but if you just ask how I'm doing right now I can tell you honestly and it will open up the door if I feel like talking more. 
• If you have lost a child as well I want to talk to you.  A lot.  I've had people that I've known for a while come forward and tell me they've lost a child and I didn't even know but I have to tell you it's so comforting to talk to someone who has been through it.  I hate to say it's like a club because that's no club you ever want to be a part of, but there is comfort in the words of people that have walked this road and have continued on. 
• That being said, while I appreciate the sentiment behind it, the references and comparisons to having lost a grandparent or something like that are not my favorite.  I always smile and nod just because I know it's people's way of being supportive and they want to say something so they tell me about how their grandpa died or their aunt or something and while I understand what a loss that might be to them it is absolutely nothing like what I'm going through.  We all anticipate our grandparents will probably die in our lifetime, but not our children.  This is so unnatural and out of order. This is the absolute worst pain you could ever experience.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  
• As I referenced earlier, many people feel the need to have answers in order to talk to me about it.  I get it.  We all want to be problem solvers.  But let me address this one right now.  THERE IS NO ANSWER.  I don't need you to solve this for me.  Just be there.  
• Hugs are awesome.  Pretty straightforward. Just don't be upset if you end up with tears all over your shirt. 
• Lastly, my absolute worst fear is that people will forget about Kellen.  He was a human being that took up almost my entire day from the moment my eyes opened in the morning (and the several times during the middle of the night) until I laid my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes at night.  He and Farrah each have 100% of my heart (yes math people it is possible, trust me.)  So I know I will never forget him.  In fact I can't imagine a time when I won't be thinking of him every minute of everyday.  But the world is moving on.  It's becoming more evident.  So don't feel the need to brush it under the rug.  Most of the time I would love nothing more than to share a story about his funny faces or the funny faces Farrah would make when she was about to go in for a smooch on her brother.  I stumbled upon these pictures that I believe were taken around April this year.  I loved the lighting.  A very peaceful scene.

*Please understand these are things that have worked for me and by no means do I think they're blanket fixes for the entire grieving population but I just wanted to express some of my thoughts on the subject.

Small reminders

It feels like it's been forever since I've had time to sit with my thoughts and write.  We've made it through one of the busiest weeks of the year for us.  Trip down south, Disneyland, Thanksgiving, Kellen's birthday, back up north and Farrah's birthday party all within a week.  I'm tired just thinking about it!  Farrah's 4th birthday was on Tuesday and when we asked her what she wanted to do she just said she wanted to stay home.  She's a bit of a homebody.  Abe and I are too so it's no surprise she's the same way.  So we decided to make it a day filled with Christmas festivities.  We put up the decorations inside and outside the house and just had a lazy day.  Kellen made his presence known throughout the day.  Still hoping I'll get to the point where I think of him and smile, but right now I still hurt when I think of him.  When Farrah and I were decorating the tree, I pulled an ornament out of the box that I didn't recognize at first and when I looked at it closely I realized it was Kellen's "baby's first Christmas" ornament from last year.  What started off as a happy activity with my daughter, quickly made me sad.  I tried to ignore it for her sake and continue decorating.
Abe had gone to Target to buy some Christmas decorations for the house and he came home with these big block letters that say "JOY."  They were very pretty so while he was outside putting up the lights I thought I'd set them up on top of our China hutch.  While I was playing with Farrah in her room I heard Abe come inside, up the stairs, and then I heard him doing something in Kellen's room.  We've kept Kellen's door shut since he passed away so I looked in to see what he might be doing in there and saw him arranging the "JOY" letters in Kellen's window sill with Christmas lights all around them. 

This picture doesn't do it justice, but this is what it looks like at night from the outside of our house.  It looks beautiful.  I still feel sadness when I think of him, but he did bring us so much joy that I think it fits nicely. 

After we finished the lights we headed out for Farrah's birthday dinner.  We made a stop on the way for me to pick up her bike I ordered online on black Friday.  Don't worry Farrah isn't quite reading yet there's no chance she'll read this and find out what she's getting for Christmas.  Besides, even if she could read, my blog doesn't have princesses all over it so there's no chance she would read it.  While I was waiting for them to bring the bike up front I was looking around at all the toys thinking about how different Christmas will be this year.  Then the gentleman working pushed the cart out with Farrah's bike and another toy that belonged to someone else that happened to be Kellen's favorite toy. 

This was his favorite toy.  He would mostly just chase the balls around on the floor but this monstrosity of a toy took up half my living room for a long time.  When I saw it on the cart I couldn't help but picture him crawling all around the living room chasing after the balls and I got really sad again.  I knew it was his way of saying hi to me, and while I love thinking of him, I hate the sadness that is still there.
I was able to keep it together until the car ride home from the restaurant.  I cried the whole way home.  Then when we got home I kept it together again for a while until I laid down in bed and I just let go and cried until there wasn't much left.  I didn't have a specific reason why I was crying, and yet I had every reason to cry.  I was crying because I was sad, I was crying because I was angry, I was crying because I felt robbed, I was crying because I miss him so very much.
I want this sadness to go away but I'm afraid that will mean he's being forgotten.  For now I will try to remember these small reminders are Kellen just making his presence known.  I find comfort in knowing he's still around us... that he's still here, just in a different way.  

This day

Dear sweet baby boy,

Happy Birthday to you!  I had so many plans for this day.  I couldn't wait to rush into your room in the morning and scoop you up and be the first to sing happy birthday to you.  I was looking forward to seeing you eat cake for the first time.  I imagine you would have loved it as you loved pretty much everything we ever put in front of you.  You take after your dad in that way. I would dress you up in a special "birthday boy" outfit and take lots of pictures to celebrate your first year of life.  I was going to get you your first train and your first toy cars.  I'm new at this boy thing so I was excited to spoil you with all the little boy things I could find.  

One year ago you came into our lives after an eventful pregnancy and I was so relieved to see your sweet face and hold you for the first time.  Never would I have imagined how little time we would have with you here on earth.  I still can't believe you're gone.  Exactly one month has passed and I miss you more each day.  

On this special day, I wanted to take a moment to share with you what your short life has meant to so many people.  You have left a lasting impact and I am so proud to be your mom.  I have heard from so many people how your passing has reminded them how short life is.  Because of you they spend less time worrying and more time loving.  Because of you they make sure to hug and kiss their family every day before they leave for work.  Because of you moms are worrying less about house work and spending more time just being with their kids.  Because of you I make sure to tell everyone I love them every time I talk to them, no matter if I haven't seen them in 10 years or I see them everyday.  

Today is a day when many people are out facing the crowds, waiting in long lines, fighting over parking spaces and even fighting with each other to get a good deal on stuff.  Stuff.  It sounds so bad when I say it that way doesn't it?  I think it's very fitting that today is your birthday.  I think this is one more chance for you to leave an impression on people.  Nothing is more important than people and relationships... family by blood or family by choice.  I would load up my house full of stuff and drop it off the edge of a cliff if it meant I had one more minute with you.  That is the gift you have given to me on your birthday.  So thank you, my son.  I wish I could see you eating your cake up in heaven and celebrating with the other children up there.  I will be thinking of you all day today.  I love you more than I could have ever thought possible. 

Here are the lyrics to the song I used to always sing to you before you went to sleep.  I hope that somehow by me writing them out you're able to know I'm still singing them to you. 

"I love you so much,

I love you so much,

I can't even tell you how much I love you.

You're special to me,

You're special to me,

I'm lucky to have you as part of my life. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you so much, 

I love you so much, 

I can't even tell you how much I love you."

Love you my dear son. 

Love,

Mommy

Life lately

Heaviness lately.  I'm normally a happy, positive person.  I apologize for the tone of the blog but I imagine if you didn't want to know what life is like after such a devastating loss than you wouldn't be reading. 
Yesterday I went with my family to go celebrate my Grandpa's 82nd Birthday.  I've been trying to get out of the house as much as possible.  The day that Kellen passed my Mary Kay girlfriend came over and as she hugged me while I was crying she whispered in my ear "you know I went through this too right?"  I had no idea.  It was as if God sent an angel for me that night to lean on.  Someone who understands my pain.  Her son passed away when he was 2 and I had no idea.  She told me something that has really stuck with me.  She said, "You have 2 choices...  You can be depressed and miserable for the rest of your life or you can live your life to honor your son."  I knew right then which route I was going to take. 
I've had so many people tell me how well I'm doing or how strong I am, and I see where they're coming from, but I'm here to tell you, I'm not "ok."  I never will be.  I'm just choosing to live my life to honor Kellen.  Farrah lost her brother and I would be devastated if she felt that she was robbed of her parents too.  I also don't want people worrying about me.  The few times I've broken down in public I get the sense that people feel sorry for me and worry about me.  I don't need people worrying about me, I'm just grieving. 
These days I spend most of my time focusing on Farrah and a few other things that bring me happiness.  Farrah is doing surprisingly well.  She talks about Kellen all the time but there's never a sadness behind what she's talking about.  I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that she's not even 4 years old yet.  Yesterday we were driving in the morning and you could still see the moon in the sky and she said "hey look mom the moon is out!  I wonder what it's still doing out?  I know!  It's Kellen because he's my star and he's watching over us."  How she is so smart and so well spoken for such a little kid I will never understand. 

 *Photo by Linda Davis

For me, most of the time I'm able to function ok.  I have my moments, usually at night time where I can't contain it anymore and I break down.  I was watching the X-Factor the other night and one of the groups sang Cold Play's "fix you."  I don't usually have any idea what Cold Play is singing about.  But their words in this song stuck out to me so much that I couldn't contain my emotion.  The song is about someone being broken and their partner trying to fix them.  As he was singing I was thinking about how for the rest of our lives, Abe and I will be trying to fix something that can't be fixed.  Then he sang the line "tears stream down your face when you lose something you can't replace."  I can't get this song out of my head now. 
Not that I need to explain myself to anyone, but just to let everyone know how we're doing... we're not ok.  We never will be.  But that doesn't mean you won't see us out, living a full life. 

Support

One of the things that has come up since Kellen passed away is how many amazing people we have in our lives.  And they're all from different places too.  Friends, family, coworkers, church family, I could go on and on.  I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge everyone that has sent cards, sent flowers, brought food, sent messages of condolences, came to Kellen's service, sent money, gave a hug or just lent an ear.  Your unending support is amazing.  I've had several people tell me how awesome it is to see how much support we have.  I agree.  I have been reminded that despite all of the horrible things going on in the world, there still are many great people out there and we're happy that we know so many of them.
First up is our family.  They are grieving in their own way but they have still been there for us.  Running errands, watching Farrah, yard work, house work, phone calls, sending jokes to cheer us up, whatever we need.  We have the best family both near and far. 
Next is our friends.  And I use the term "friends" because technically we don't share any of the same DNA but we are blessed to have friends so close that they're basically family.  I have friends that would do absolutely anything for us and have.  My best friends arrived at our house on October 29th faster than the ambulances got to my house, that's how amazing they are.  They have done so much more for us than we have ever done for them.  I just hope we can return the favor someday but for something happier... like watching their kids or pets when they go on a vacation :)
Next up we have our coworkers.  We're blessed to think of these people more like family than friends.  Abe's work has been so supportive and understanding.  They have allowed him to take as much time as he needs and everyone at the office has stepped up to take on his workload so he doesn't have to think about it. 
My amazing Mary Kay girlfriends are the best.  I have always said that when my kids are older, if they're ever in a place where they need help and I'm not there, they can pick up a phone book (who am I kidding, they'll just google it) and find a Mary Kay director in their area and I'm 100 % sure that Mary Kay lady would lend them a car, food, a bed, whatever they needed because that's just how we roll.  I have received hundreds and hundreds of cards.  This picture is just a fraction.  I've had people bringing food, holding appointments for me and then slipping the money from the sales under my door, and just working hard to honor Kellen this month.  I have not been working my business so that I can be with my family and yet our unit is having our best month ever and it's not even over yet.  They're doing so great that we will be earning another car by the end of December when we've only had this one a couple months.  I've even received hand written cards from the President of Mary Kay and from the corporate staff as well.  I have never been more proud to represent this company. 

My mom's club friends are up next.  These ladies and I have a special bond.  We all love each others kids very much.  Whenever I was at a mom's club event I could pass Kellen off to whoever.  Here he is being held by my friend Kelsy in the back row at our Child Health and Safety fair event.  

When Kellen passed they started a fundraiser to help us pay for his funeral expenses and the amount collected far surpassed what we needed.  These women are amazing and I'm grateful for their friendship everyday.
And lastly, I wanted to thank our church family.  I can't imagine making this walk without my faith in God.  I actually feel very sorry for anyone that doesn't have faith because this experience, plus knowing what I will face for the rest of my life would be unimaginable if I didn't know that Kellen was at peace, with God, watching over us, and that we will see him again.   So how can I begin to thank the people from our church that have been praying for us, dropping off meals, and being a support for our family.  Our pastors Shaun and Dianna came to our house right away that morning when Kellen passed when they got a call from someone at the police department saying what had happened.  They were with us at our darkest moment, as we had to answer questions to the police department and then say our goodbyes to our son.  How do you thank someone for that?  Their love they have shown us has been a wonderful reminder of God's love.  Not to mention there are some darn good cooks at our church!  Man, my waistline is definitely proof of that!

If I have forgotten to mention anyone I sincerely apologize but please know that we are grateful for everyone that has shown their support over these past few weeks.  Kellen was the biggest joy you could ever imagine and by showing your support to us you are honoring his life. 

Distractions

I'm going to need some extra love these next several weeks.  While most people are getting ready for happy family get togethers over Thanksgiving and Christmas we're preparing ourselves to face those without our little guy.  Not only that, but we have our trip to LA and disneyland that we had planned to enjoy with him there.  And probably the most painful will be Black Friday, which for most will be the day where they're out trying to score a good deal on the hottest toys and electronics, but for us will be Kellen's first birthday.  We also have Farrah's 4th birthday a couple days later and her birthday party which we had planned on being a joint party for the 2 of them, but has now turned into a princess party for Farrah. 
Distractions have seemed to help.  However I'm coming to realize that they're short lived and then I either need to find another distraction or I get lost in my thoughts and the uncontrollable waterworks start. 
My very best friend Carla got married this past weekend.  I'd been looking forward to this day for so long.  I knew that what my friend wanted was a huge dance party which is what I wanted to make sure she got.  I dance at weddings anyways, but especially this one.  I was not going to leave the dance floor the entire time and I didn't.  I was there, dancing my heart out to show my friend how much I loved her and show my husband how awesome of a DJ I think he is.  But there was this awkward, uneasy feeling I had while I was "having a good time."  You see, I'm sure most of the people that were there knew what had happened with our family.  As I was dancing around the room in a conga line, wine in one hand, maraca in the other, I started to wonder what people thought of me.  Was it strange to them to see me having such a good time so soon after such a tragedy?  I kept on though, because I was genuinely having a good time and I wanted everyone to do the same.  I didn't want this day to be about anyone or anything other than my best friend and her new wonderful husband.  
After Kellen passed, we had his service to plan and then as soon as that was over I dove into helping Carla with whatever she needed.  Getting her house ready, running errands, whatever she needed.  I started to think maybe I was getting a handle on this grief thing.  Sounds silly now.  How does anyone ever really get a handle on it?  But I found my emotions seemed to be in check and I was able to get through each day functioning as a normal human being.  And then something interesting happened.  Her wedding ended.  I was there doing my bridesmaids duties of cleaning up the venue and loading stuff into the car and I just started sobbing.  "What is wrong with you?" I thought.  Why am I crying right now?  My first thought was the multiple glasses of wine I drank were starting to take effect.  In all seriousness though I think it was because this thing that I had focused on the past couple of weeks was over and now I was left with just myself and my sorrow. 
The next day I started to think about what I could do to distract myself next.  But at what point do the distractions run out?  Eventually I have to just feel it. I don't want to though.  It is the most unbearable pain you could imagine so why would I want to force myself to experience it?  I don't have the answer.  I'm not sure I ever will.  For now, the best I can do is distract myself as much as I can, but give myself permission to have my breakdowns from time to time.  So if you see us over these next few weeks, we know you probably don't know what to say.  We don't expect anyone to have an answer for us.  Just love on us.  Love is what's helping us make it each day.  It is the best distraction from our pain.

Farrahisms

You may have noticed by now that our 4 year old daughter Farrah is a wonderful distraction from our sadness.  She has always been a special girl, but I'm convinced now that she is part of God's plan to heal us.  You know those annoying people that always post the funny things their kid says?  Guilty as charged.  I can't help it.  She is a constant source of joy and laughter in our house.  She has always been known for her Farrahisms, and I notice them even more so now than ever.  I appreciate the way she chooses to say things when before I never paid attention.  Every pop of her hip, every scrunchy face, every mispronunciation is something I want to hold onto.  It's what makes Farrah, Farrah.  It's what brings us joy in our sorrow.
So here are some of my favorite Farrahisms from the past couple of weeks. 

• A few days after Kellen passed we had family visiting and Farrah's aunt gave her some chocolate gold coins.  Farrah has one of the biggest sweet tooths I know.  I wonder why that is?  :)  So one night we were getting ready for bed and I couldn't find Farrah.  As you remember from my previous post I'm much more paranoid about Farrah now so I went into an instant panic.  I was calling for her and running through the house and couldn't find her.  I went into our room and saw a small lump on our bed under the blankets but usually when she hides under the covers you can see her moving around.  I lifted up the blanket just to be sure and there she was with her gold coins eating them as quietly and as still as she could.  

• Follow up to the gold coin thing.  This morning my husband discovered she had a secret stash of her gold coins in a drawer in her room.  He brought it out to show me and all that was left was a bunch of wrappers and one coin that was uneaten.  I tried to give her "the look" and she just smiled at me and said "Yeah mom, see.... I was saving this coin for after my dinner, isn't that great?"

• At dinner a couple nights ago Farrah decided to bring up the topic of us having another baby.  Here's how the conversation went... Farrah: "Mommy and Daddy can you please get married again so you can have another baby?" Abe: "Farrah, Mommy and Daddy are already married so we don't have to get married again to have another baby." Farrah with a confused look on her face: "Oh well then how do you have another baby?" Abe stares at her for a minute: "Ok sweetie we can get married again."  #notreadyforthatconversation

• At such a young age she's very aware of other people's emotions and she wants to fix things when she sees people are sad.  I was reading her a new children's book we got her that explains death and what it means and I started crying as I was reading it to her.  She saw I was crying, touched my cheek and told me I didn't have to be sad.  She has such a great heart.  She holds it together much better than we ever could.

 

• She told us that dancing and singing makes her happy when she's sad so there's been a lot more of that lately.  You can tell she is really feeling it when she dances.  The faces she makes are hilarious.  She gets lost in the music.  We told her that at the church where we were having Kellen's celebration there was a stage where people were going to talk so when we first got there the first thing she asked was "Where's the stage?"  She was dancing pretty much the whole time in the background of everyone's speeches and I was totally ok with that. 

• And probably my most favorite moment of Farrah I've ever had since she was born was something that happened at Kellen's graveside service.  She has been sitting there quietly as our Pastor was speaking and at the end he said "Let's pray."  Before he could speak Farrah just put her little hands together and started praying out loud.  We all stayed quiet and listened.  She thanked God for all that we have.  She prayed for us who were sad to be happy.  She was happy that Kellen was in heaven.  Amen.
  
  
  

Things Remembered

 This is going to be a hard post for me, but I know I need to write it.  I know I will never forget the major things about Kellen... what a mama's boy he was, his silly faces, how big he would smile.  As time goes on though, I am so afraid that I might forget the little things.  Which is why I wanted to take some time to memorialize some of the little things that I remember now that with time may slip from my memory.
So let me introduce you to my sweet Kellen...

• He loved bath time.  And not even necessarily his own bath.  Once he was mobile, all I would have to do is turn on the bath water and he would come crawling as quick as he could to the bath.  My favorite thing was before he could pull himself up, he would crawl to the bath and just rock back and forth on all fours, banging his head against the bath each time until I picked him up and leaned him against the bath so he could see in.  He would put his hands under the running water and squeal with happiness.  Farrah would sometimes splash him (or pour water on him with her shovel if my head was turned away) but he never seemed to mind.  He just loved the water.  
• He loved to be outside.  Whenever my parents babysat him they would say how fussy he would be when I left because he was such a mamas boy and they quickly learned the only cure for his fussiness was either a bottle or going outside.  He would look at the trees, grass, flowers, whatever and just instantly calm down.  It was his happy place.  
• He always seemed like he didn't want to miss something important.  He wasn't a very good sleeper.  At 11 months he was still waking up a couple times a night.  His naps were sporadic.  Sometimes he'd nap for 20 minutes, sometimes if I was lucky it would be an hour or two, sometimes he would just boycott them all together.  I'm happy now that he spent so much time awake.  I'd gladly give up sleep to have that time with him.  
• He knew how to be sneaky.  He used to crawl towards somewhere he wasn't supposed to go like the bathroom or my office and when I'd call his name he would turn back towards me and give me this big toothy smile and then take off crawling as fast as he could to see if he could make it before I picked him up.  I hope I never lose that image of him.  
• He hated having his diaper changed.  Not because of the actual diaper change but because he didn't like to lay still.  He would instantly flip over as soon as I laid him down.  I would have to resort to singing crazy songs, making animal noises or something equally crazy to distract him long enough for a quick diaper change.  Then I usually had to try to pull his pants back up as he was crawling away because any crazy faces I made only distracted him long enough to do the diaper part.  
• He quickly learned how to tell when we arrived at our destination in the car.  In the beginning, he hated the car.  As time went on he got better about being in the car but it still wasn't his favorite thing.  But he learned that when I turned off the car that we had arrived at our destination so if he was fussy, as soon as I turned off the car he would stop fussing and start kicking his legs with excitement.  When I would get out of the car and open the door to get him he would have the biggest smile on his face.  Not sure if he was excited to get out of the car or see me... I'll just say it was me :)
• He was such a peanut... especially at the beginning.  I could write a whole post about his weight issues, in fact I think I did :)  He was so teeny tiny which was funny because he was 8 lbs 1 oz when he was born so it's not like he was a preemie or anything.  We later learned that his weight gaining issues were from a fun Acid Reflux issue which made him spit up all the time.  Around 6 months when he was doing the army crawl I had to literally change him about 7 times a day because he was spit up his entire meal then drag himself right through it.  We seemed to get it in check the last few months and he was starting to chunk out.  Nowhere near the level of chubbiness that his sister was at that age but chunkier nonetheless. 
• He loved "chasing his sister."  He obviously wasn't even walking yet, much less chasing after her but he absolutely loved to be held by mommy or daddy and have us chase after his sister.  That brought out the deep belly laughs in him.  He had a special relationship with his sister.  They were best buds.  Here's a video of me chasing them.  For some reason my new phone has had an issue with the sound on the camera so there isn't much sound to the video.  Maybe it was meant to be that way.  You don't need to hear the video to know how excited he was to play this game.  I will miss those handful of moments when all 4 of us were together, not distracted by anything and just playing together.  

 

• He loved animals.  My poor pets.  Kellen would always crawl right over to them and grab them. 
   
  My friend Carla made this photo collage of Kellen and our dog Jimmy Choo. He was so fascinated by him.  Jimmy tolerated him the best he could but he learned to run away when the baby got too close.  Smart dog.  
• His favorite "game" was to crawl over to our tv stand and pull down each dvd one by one, stare at it for a moment, then throw it on the floor and continue on with the next one.  I always wondered what was going on in that little brain of his.  He had mastered his concentrating face.  You could tell he was a deep thinker.

It's hard to imagine after listing these that I could possibly ever forget them.  I'd like to think that at 80 years old I'll be telling my grandkids about all the funny things their uncle Kellen did.  I sure hope that's the case.  But for now, I'll still write things down, reflect on the joy he brought us and thank God for these precious memories I have of him.  

 

Awareness

Ever since Kellen passed, I've had a much higher sense of awareness.  Gone are the days of getting myself ready, getting into the car and doing my errands for the day without noticing everything around me. 
Yesterday we went to target. We pulled into the parking lot.  Normally this would be the time when I would strategize how to make this work with 2 kids.  Park next to the shopping cart stall so I can easily grab the cart, put the shopping cart cover over it, grab Farrah, put her in the cart, grab Kellen and put him in the cart.  Then on the way out I'd do the same shopping cart dance again in reverse.  None of that was necessary.  When we walked into Target it took all of 3 seconds for me to spot about 5 babies and then the pain in my chest started again.  Small babies in carseats in the carts, babies in strollers, Kellen-sized babies in baby bjorns... apparently I just entered a baby warehouse.  Not really, just Target on a Saturday, but things I never noticed before. 
Part of me just wants to walk up to everyone and tell them our story, and then part of my prays no one ever asks about it.  That lady joyfully pushing her newborn in the stroller up the diaper aisle?  I want to stop her and tell her how blessed she is.  That lady yelling out of frustration at her kid?  I want to stop and tell her how blessed she is. 
I found myself tearing up when I passed the baby toys. I never noticed how cute they are.  I always saw them as an annoyance for their loud songs and blinking lights.  And don't even get me started on the baby section.  I can't walk by it yet.  The clothes, diapers, formula, everything is too much for me. 
I'm much more aware of my daughter.  Every breath.  When I go in her room at night to turn off her light after she has fallen asleep I stand next to her and watch her breathe a few times before I leave.  I had a minor freak out the other day when I found out my husband had left Farrah alone in her room with carrots.  Seriously... carrots.  "What if she chokes and we can't hear her?"  He assured me that he'd go check on her and when he came back downstairs he said she was fine to which I replied "Are you sure?  Did you check to make sure she is breathing?" 
Seems funny now...wasn't then.  I imagine this feeling of awareness will stick with me.  Maybe it will wear off with time... maybe not.  I'm not sure that I want it to go away though.  Maybe I'd like to be able to make it past the diaper rash cream without bursting into tears, but I don't think I ever want to lose sight of how short life really is.  Maybe that's my takeaway from my outing to Target yesterday. 
Thank you friends for your unending support.  These past 2 weeks have restored my faith in humanity.  You have all been so good to us and we can't thank you enough. 

Things I'm annoyed by right now

I'm not going to lie, I'm having a down day today.  I'm sure after my last post being so heavy, it seems like I should get you all caught up on the last week and a half, but instead I need to vent.  I have had every emotion in the book today but overall I spent the majority of my day annoyed.  I've had a lot of people tell me how strong I am.  It sounds funny because I don't feel that way.  I've had a lot of bouts of crying in public over the past few days.  The littlest thing can put me over the edge.  So here's a list of things that have really been causing my blood pressure to rise... I mean don't be surprised if you see me on the news with the headline "Grieving mom goes crazy and slaps woman in a fit of road rage!"

Speaking of road rage... that leads me to my first gripe.  I have never been more irritated with drivers in my life.  All I can think when I see someone weaving in and out of lanes is "what is wrong with you?  You're putting someone else's life in danger because you  are running a few minutes late?"  Texting and driving?  You're an idiot!  Smoking in the car with your kids?  How dare you!  Life has become so much more precious to me that I can't stand seeing anyone doing anything that might cause harm to someone else.

My neighbor.  If you don't know the back story, our neighbors are quite possibly the loudest, most obnoxious people on the planet.  I had no idea people could scream so loudly about dinner being ready.  I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood now knows your dinner is ready.  But now, when I hear her yelling at her kids, all I want to do is march over there bang on her door and scream "How dare you!?  I would give anything to have my baby back and you're over here yelling at your kids over something so stupid?!"  If it continues, I just might.

Celebrities... the ridiculously wealthy ones.  I heard today that Taylor Swift is worth $105 million.  I almost became physically ill.  After my son passed, our family and friends rallied around to raise money for us to help with the funeral costs and I felt so unworthy of their help... who are we to deserve this kindness?  I knew we needed to use it for the funeral and other related costs but all I wanted to do was give it away to someone else that was more deserving.  Then I see Kim Kardashian's stupid face on a magazine and I think, what a waste.  I'm all for people working hard and enjoying the fruits of their labor, but at a certain point don't you think enough is enough?  So many problems would be solved if people were more willing to help others in need.  I just thought of another headline for me.... "Crazy lady rips up every  People Magazine in the Safeway Checkout Line!"  Could you really blame me though?

Random things.  Like really random things.  I was watching TV and a Target commercial came on.  It showed some lady getting her house ready for a Christmas party.  Cue the adorable place card holders, festive chargers and plates, matching mixing bowls and utensils.  I literally screamed at the TV "Who cares???"  I was so angry in that moment.  My son is gone and people care about their house looking just perfect for a party?  WHO CARES?!?!

And lastly, people feeling the need to babysit me.  I say this with as much love as possible, I don't need to be babysat right now.  I understand my emotional stay is very delicate right now, but I've had a lot of people second guessing every decision I make right now.  "Are you sure?"  "Are you really ready for that?"  I get it, people want to help.  But if I want to do something, let me try, and if I change my mind halfway through, you'll be the first to know.  I really do appreciate everyone's support, I just need to be able to start navigating this ship and not feel like everyone is second guessing my own judgement. 

It's starting to sink in that Kellen is not just on vacation.  I was looking at pictures and it occurred to me that the pictures I have of him are all the pictures I will ever have of him and my heart really started to hurt.  I haven't been able to find a comfortable place.  Don't know if I ever will.  When I'm home all day I get in a depressed mood because I'm just sitting around dwelling on it, but when I go out I get in an angry mood because everyone else is going on with their lives around me and all I want to do is yell at them.  "Don't you understand what just happened?  My world is crashing down around me and you are just pushing your shopping cart up and down the aisles like nothing's wrong!"

There are times I feel strong, I have to be for Farrah.  But as you probably guessed by now, most of the time I'm not.  I don't know when, if ever I will feel like the strong mama I was before.  For now I'll be kind to myself and give myself time to hopefully become less and less crazy with each day that passes. 

Time

Much time has passed since my last blog entry.  To be honest, I just wasn't inspired.  Yes, life has been crazy busy with 2 kids, but have I literally not had any time to write a blog post?  No.... just haven't felt like it.  I almost wrote something this past weekend but then got distracted by something.
And then came October 29th when my world came crashing down.  It was my sweet Kellen's "11 month birthday... just one month shy of his birthday celebration."  I had put him down the night before after a day of him being under the weather.  He had a cold like the rest of us and was sleepy most of the day.  I always hate seeing my babies sick.  Breaks my heart.  So I put him down for the night early around 6:30 or so.  Around 6:15 the next morning my alarm went off.  Seemed strange for him to sleep that long being that he slept so much the day before and he still, at 11 months was waking up 1-2 times per night.  I had a sinking feeling. I went in his room to check on him and it was still dark outside so I couldn't see very well.  But I couldn't hear him breathe.  I touched him.  He was cold.  I screamed and my husband rushed in and started CPR while I called 911.  The next few hours were all a blur.  Police, Ambulances, firefighters, detectives.  Tears.... lots and lots of tears.  My sweet baby boy Kellen has gone to be with God.  His time on this earth has ended.
Writing has always been so healing for me.  There are few things that have brought me any comfort over this past week.  Writing is one of them.  So while to some it may seem odd timing for me to decide to pick back up with this blog, for me time doesn't seem quite the same as it did before.  Who knows when our time on earth will end.  I'm emotionally drained and have cried more in this past week than I have in the rest of my life combined.  In the days and weeks to come I'm sure I'll have more to write about, but for today I'll end with this:  Hold your babies extra tight.  Let them where pajamas to school (I did that today with Farrah), let them stay awake a few extra minutes, wait to finish the laundry until they're asleep.  I would give absolutely anything to have 1 more minute with my little guy.  Anything.
Love you my sweet boy.  Until we meet again.

Weight Issues

I'm sure being that I'm a new mama you assumed the title of this post was referring to me.  In a way, I wish it was me because I'd rather it be me than my babies but unfortunately, it's Kellen.  I knew he was a tiny little guy, but imagine my surprise when I took him to his 2 month appointment and he was in the zero percentile...... ZERO!  Talk about knocking this confident mama down a few pegs.  What's most frustrating to me is that I felt like breast feeding was working this time and that we'd gotten the hang of it all.  So now, we've been supplementing with formula and I've been breast feeding him around the clock.  The Doctor also prescribed him Zantac to help him keep food down because he's been spitting up so much that it's possible that's the problem. 

My intuition tells me that it's not a breast feeding issue so I'm not ready to give it up.  I'm just praying that supplementing combined with the medicine will help his weight come up so I feel better about it all.  Obviously he is my main concern so whatever I have to do, I'll do but for now, the breastfeeding will continue.  I'm used to a super chunky baby because of Farrah so having a little peanut has been different.  I'm ready to see some rolls :) 
On another note, my weight is great!  Haha.  Much different than with Farrah where I held on to almost all the weight for a couple years and I still never got back to my pre pregnancy weight.  From the last day of my pregnancy until now I've lost about 45 lbs.  35 of it just came off on it's own and then I joined Weight Watchers about a month ago and another 10 has come off since then.  Maybe that's the reason I'm not ready to give breast feeding up!  :)  So that's what's new here.  I've been so busy feeding a baby that my blog has not been updated as often as I'd like but now you know why.  Until next time! 

Bad Blogger

So ummm... hi?!  Yes, it sure has been months since my last post.  Can't really explain why either.  It's been a combination of being busy with kids, with work, not feeling inspired and trying to figure out how to watermark my pictures (well, telling my somewhat techy husband I want to watermark my pictures and him saying he'll teach me but never getting around to it.)
My little man is 2 1/2 months now.  I can't believe it, and yet at the same time I can.  It doesn't seem like that long ago when we were in the hospital getting ready for his arrival, but it does seem like he's been in our lives forever.  He is such a great baby.  And remember HERE how I was all worried about how I could possibly love this baby as much as I love my sweet Farrah?  Well it's laughable to me now because not only have I fallen head over heels for this little boy, but my love for miss Farrah has grown so much.  Seeing her as a big sister, caring so much for her baby brother... almost too much, has made me love her even more than I could have ever imagined possible.  She is so in love with her brother and so protective of him too. 
Here's what's new with Kellen:
Not sure of weight and height because we had to cancel his Doctor's appt... long story but hopefully we'll reschedule soon.
He has found his hands.  He loves to make a fist and suck on his hands and fingers.  He sometimes will put both his fists up by his face so he looks like a little boxer... I die.
He LOVES his mama.  And I don't say that because I'm biased.  When he catches a glimpse of me if I walk by, his eyes lock on me and he doesn't look away.  Ok yeah it's probably because I'm his food source, but hey I'll take it.
Speaking of food source, breast feeding has gone a thousand percent better this time around.  He's exclusively breastfed with the exception of a bottle every few days if I'm gone for too long and daddy has to feed him.
He's a tiny guy.  Maybe because Farrah was mostly bottle fed, but she was a big baby.  So getting used to seeing a little peanut has been interesting.  I'm sure it won't be long until he gets to be chunky.  I'll be honest... I love me a chunky baby!
He's starting to make little cooing noises.  And after he sneezes he lets out this cute sigh/coo.  Cutest thing ever.
He's currently sick thanks to his sister passing on her germs.  At 2 months old it seems pretty early, but he actually got sick for the first time at 10 days which was heartbreaking for us to see.
He's started smiling.  My favorite thing is to go in his room in the morning and lean over the crib and when he sees me his face lights up and he starts smiling.  Again... I die.
For the past week or so he's slept for 5 hours, woke up around 3 for a feeding, went right back to sleep and woke up around 7 for another feeding.  Starting to get a little normalcy back.  Knock on wood.
He now sleeps in his crib.  He was sleeping in bed with us and the transition was harder than I thought it would be.  Not for him, but for us.  We missed having him in bed with us. 

I can't promise I'll be posting more regularly, but I do hope to me inspired more than once every few months.  For now, hopefully these cute pictures will hold you over.