Vows

This past weekend we attended my cousin's wedding.  It was a beautiful outdoor wedding in the Napa Valley in the middle of a vineyard.  As we sat listening to the happy couple recite their vows, surrounded by millions of grapes and lots of couples who had recited similar vows on their own special days, I couldn't help but squeeze Abe's hand just a little tighter.  We've all heard that we're supposed to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and so on and so forth.  I wonder what most people think of when they get to that part.  I'll be the first to admit that I was pretty naïve when I thought about what obstacles we may have to overcome.  I expected the standard financial struggles, job changes and moves.  We're good people.  I guess I didn't think about really bad things happening.  Those types of things don't happen to people like us. 
We woke up in the middle of the night when the big earthquake hit.  Our hotel room was shaking all around but thankfully there was no damage.  We went back to sleep and woke up the next morning to learn of some of the devastating damage in many parts of Napa.  Some people lost their homes and everything in it.  Others were critically injured.  For better or for worse.  Vows put to the test. 
I hope that we've had to deal with the worst of it.  But I also know we're only barely 30 and hopefully have a lot of life left.  Our vows have certainly been tested.  Not just the grief of losing a child, but both of our post traumatic stress demons we carry after finding our son the way we did.  I wouldn't blame him for taking it out on me and I'm sure he wouldn't either.  But we're coming up on a year since it happened and, so far, I can say we have loved each other for worse... there hasn't been much better. 

Our son Evan will be here in less than 2 months and we'll embark on the stressful journey of a newborn.  In my previous life, I categorized that under the "for worse" part of marriage.  Lack of sleep, crying (mostly the baby but sometimes me when I don't get sleep), and the tendency to snap at your partner.  But in my new life I'm considering this to be a "for better" part.  I'll just squeeze Abe's hand a little tighter and keep on going, for better or for worse.

Selfishness

It feels good to be writing again!  It sounds silly because of all of the things going on in the world but we've been living without internet for the past several weeks and it stinks!  Who knew how much we rely on it, especially working from home?! 
We're finally getting settled in our new home.  It's taking some adjustment to get used to the new set up, the new neighborhood and all that comes along with it but it's starting to feel like home. 
We still don't have blinds up because it's a brand new house so I tend to wake up early when the sun comes up.  The other night, or morning I suppose, I laid in bed as the sun was rising and I was thinking about the choices we've made in the aftermath of October 29th, and I was proud to say, we've been a bit selfish.  I'm sure many people haven't understood some of the choices we've made.  Some have been quiet if they didn't agree and some have raised some eyebrows.  I will never feel the need to justify our choices to anyone.  So when I get the raised eyebrows I smile and bite my tongue.  I could go on an on explaining it away but what's the point?  Not many people have had to walk our path, and I hope they never have to. 
Was it hard for us to leave a home so close to our best friends in the world?  Absolutely!  Was it hard for Abe to walk away from a good paying job to be home?  Yes, and no :).  Is it hard for me to turn down playdates from time to time knowing that I'm taking my business in a new direction so I need to focus on growing it?  Definitely!  Do we have mixed feelings about having another baby so quickly?  Of course!  We're happy and we're sad.  Don't know that waiting any longer would have changed those emotions.  We are different people now.  Our priorities have shifted.  For however long it takes we need to be selfish right now.  My sole focus is my family.  Maybe that makes me a bad friend... I hope not.  I hope others understand.  We have the opportunity now for us to live the life we dreamed before Kellen passed.  And quite frankly, I'm mad I didn't try to make it happen sooner.  Kellen is my example that life is precious and sometimes, way too short. 
I have been known to be a people pleaser in the past.  I just love to keep the peace and see people happy.  But I have to say, it feels good to be selfish every once in a while.  You should try it sometime!

This one's for you little man!  Living our lives to the fullest since yours was cut short.