This morning after dropping off Farrah at school I was driving the country roads back to our house and could see Evan kicking his feet in the car seat through the rear view mirror. I still have many moments where it hits me. It hits me how much losing Kellen on October 29, 2013 has effected the rest of our lives.
Let me back track for a minute. I remember several years ago when there was a story circulating on the news about a horrific crime in Connecticut where 2 men broke into the house of Dr. William Petit, murdered his wife and 2 daughters and set his home on fire. He was the only survivor. A while after this happened, it was in the news that he had gotten remarried and was expecting a child with his new wife. Of course, people judged him, and I, unfortunately, judged right along with them. How could he possibly get remarried so quickly? And have another baby? He's just "replacing" his old family.
And then we found ourselves in a position after losing a child where outsiders might not understand our decisions moving forward. A few months after losing Kellen, we were expecting a new baby. Yes we were ready, no we were not replacing him, no you don't have to worry about us being emotionally able to handle a new baby. In those moments I understood Dr. William Petit and I was sorry I had judged. Our loss is in no way equal to what he went through, however I could understand the feeling of excruciating pain, and desiring to be happy again. When you are in that thick state of fresh grief, it is exhausting. There will never be another Kellen. My heart made room for a new baby so each child could have 100% off my heart.
Several months after Kellen passed I started hearing from people that I seemed to be doing so well. I feel the need to explain this a little bit further. I have my moments. Sometimes those moments happen multiple times a day, sometimes I can go days between moments. Every once in a while those moments are in front of people, but usually they're when I'm alone with my thoughts. But I came to realize in the days, weeks, and months after our life was turned upside down that my life was forever changed and no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything about that. In a strange way that was liberating for me. Because I couldn't control what happened, I wanted to control my response to it. There seemed to be 2 paths laid out for me. Path #1 was a path filled with sadness, bitterness, wishing for something that wasn't within my control. Path #2 was to choose joy despite the sadness. You see there is still sadness but joy is something I have chosen. I may seem to be doing well, and to be honest, I am. I'm not ashamed of that. I chose path #2 for that very reason. I will always miss Kellen, I will forever have a piece of me that's missing. But I also have so much to be happy about, most importantly the 11 months we had with Kellen and the impact he made on this world in his short time.
I'm even reminded within my own home how differently people grieve. I am proud of how Abe and I have encouraged Farrah to grieve in her own way. The other day I was singing a song to Evan that I had made up and used to sing to Kellen and Farrah stopped me and said "Mom that song is for Kellen. Don't forget about Kellen." That stung. Instead of justifying it away and trying to make myself feel better I just decided to be silent and allow her to say what she needed to say for her grief journey.
One of my favorite songs that I feel reflects my pain is called "The hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe. It describes the feeling of when your hurt collides with your faith.
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
So to my fellow grieving friends, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are doing the best you can. And that is enough.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
21 days of #NoScrolling
Well hello, my friends! Fancy this... I'm writing again! No promises that you'll hear from me more frequently though. This blog isn't something I take all that seriously, as evidenced by my last post being in March. I don't write here to make money. I write here when I want to update family and friends on what's happening in our lives, or when I need a little therapy session. I guess you could say today is a little bit of both.
So much has happened that I almost don't even know where to begin. I'll be a predictable mom and start with my kids. Farrah is officially in Kindergarten. She's been in school for a few weeks now and seems to be doing well. I think she's starting to make friends and get into a groove. I held it together relatively well that first day. It's incredible how much parenting is about trusting. Trusting that you've done enough leading up until this point that they'll be able to handle themselves without you there all day. Trusting a teacher that you just met will be able to look after your child. Trusting that the parents of the other kids in her class have done a decent job themselves so that the children in her class will be a good influence. Trusting my daughter to start making some decisions on her own. There have been so many moments over the past few weeks where I have had a deeper love and appreciation for my own parents. It's not easy but we do the best we can.
Evan will be 10 months old in less than a week. I am loving this age. Other than a bad few days of teething it has been such an enjoyable time. He's crawling now so he's loving to explore and play. I could watch him forever. His expressions are priceless. It's hard to believe that in just over a month he will be 11 months. Such a bittersweet time for us. Kellen passed away on his 11 month birthday and we never got to experience a happy first birthday. The idea that Evan is almost the same age as Kellen was is a very difficult thing for me to think about for so many reasons. I'll save that for another post. As I sit here writing, staring at Evan in the baby monitor, I have more joy in my heart than I have in the past 655 days. Evan has been my angel here on earth.
Oh yes and then there's the grown ups. Abe has been busy working on a few projects. He is still the domestic engineer of the house and overall jack of all trades. He has a side business, still DJ's from time to time, helps me in the office, and tears up the basketball court a few times a week. So when people ask what he does all day.... yeah. That's on top of taking care of 2 children. He is basically my hero.
As for myself. Where to begin. My mother in law described me as someone who has an amazing ability to take on a challenge. I've never thought of it that way but I'd have to agree with her. I just finished up 2 back to back 6 week challenges at a local gym that included a strict diet and exercise plan and completed the challenges with 35 lbs lost and much stronger than I have ever been in a long time.
Let me back things up real quick. I'm someone who makes quick decisions. Call me crazy but I don't need a lot of details. I go based on my feelings. If I feel called to do something I do it. And for that season of my life, that is what I needed to do. I needed to prove to myself that I could finish something that I started and that I was stronger than I ever thought possible. So even when it was clear that I wasn't going to hit my weight loss goal in the last week, I still stuck to the plan with the work outs and my fish and asparagus diet (yes, I only ate fish and asparagus for a week.) Because what was important was that I finished. I learned so much but am ready to move on to my next challenge. This next phase is going to be one of professional growth. I have a lot of people's dreams that are tied to mine and so I'm stepping out in faith that, just like my physical challenge that I just completed, I will also be able to finish this professional challenge.
My emotions have been all over the board lately. I was trying to pin point what was causing it. I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things (my poor husband.) But I have determined I'm not cut out for social media. I'm too passionate. And my heart breaks every time I start scrolling. So this morning I decided to implement a "No scrolling" policy on social media. If I want to see how someone's doing, I will find their profile to check it out, but I can't mindlessly scroll on facebook anymore. Other than the obvious fact that it wastes precious time, I'm finding that it leaves me emotionally drained and sad. Our country is so divided. Everyone is so busy wanting to be right that they're saying things and posting "articles" that cause more division. I'm sure I can't be the only one that feels this way. So I'm inviting you to join me for 21 days of #NoScrolling. I'm excited to see if I can feel a difference.
Life is too short to waste time. Life is too short to be worked up about something. Especially facebook.
So much has happened that I almost don't even know where to begin. I'll be a predictable mom and start with my kids. Farrah is officially in Kindergarten. She's been in school for a few weeks now and seems to be doing well. I think she's starting to make friends and get into a groove. I held it together relatively well that first day. It's incredible how much parenting is about trusting. Trusting that you've done enough leading up until this point that they'll be able to handle themselves without you there all day. Trusting a teacher that you just met will be able to look after your child. Trusting that the parents of the other kids in her class have done a decent job themselves so that the children in her class will be a good influence. Trusting my daughter to start making some decisions on her own. There have been so many moments over the past few weeks where I have had a deeper love and appreciation for my own parents. It's not easy but we do the best we can.
Evan will be 10 months old in less than a week. I am loving this age. Other than a bad few days of teething it has been such an enjoyable time. He's crawling now so he's loving to explore and play. I could watch him forever. His expressions are priceless. It's hard to believe that in just over a month he will be 11 months. Such a bittersweet time for us. Kellen passed away on his 11 month birthday and we never got to experience a happy first birthday. The idea that Evan is almost the same age as Kellen was is a very difficult thing for me to think about for so many reasons. I'll save that for another post. As I sit here writing, staring at Evan in the baby monitor, I have more joy in my heart than I have in the past 655 days. Evan has been my angel here on earth.
Oh yes and then there's the grown ups. Abe has been busy working on a few projects. He is still the domestic engineer of the house and overall jack of all trades. He has a side business, still DJ's from time to time, helps me in the office, and tears up the basketball court a few times a week. So when people ask what he does all day.... yeah. That's on top of taking care of 2 children. He is basically my hero.
As for myself. Where to begin. My mother in law described me as someone who has an amazing ability to take on a challenge. I've never thought of it that way but I'd have to agree with her. I just finished up 2 back to back 6 week challenges at a local gym that included a strict diet and exercise plan and completed the challenges with 35 lbs lost and much stronger than I have ever been in a long time.
Let me back things up real quick. I'm someone who makes quick decisions. Call me crazy but I don't need a lot of details. I go based on my feelings. If I feel called to do something I do it. And for that season of my life, that is what I needed to do. I needed to prove to myself that I could finish something that I started and that I was stronger than I ever thought possible. So even when it was clear that I wasn't going to hit my weight loss goal in the last week, I still stuck to the plan with the work outs and my fish and asparagus diet (yes, I only ate fish and asparagus for a week.) Because what was important was that I finished. I learned so much but am ready to move on to my next challenge. This next phase is going to be one of professional growth. I have a lot of people's dreams that are tied to mine and so I'm stepping out in faith that, just like my physical challenge that I just completed, I will also be able to finish this professional challenge.
My emotions have been all over the board lately. I was trying to pin point what was causing it. I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things (my poor husband.) But I have determined I'm not cut out for social media. I'm too passionate. And my heart breaks every time I start scrolling. So this morning I decided to implement a "No scrolling" policy on social media. If I want to see how someone's doing, I will find their profile to check it out, but I can't mindlessly scroll on facebook anymore. Other than the obvious fact that it wastes precious time, I'm finding that it leaves me emotionally drained and sad. Our country is so divided. Everyone is so busy wanting to be right that they're saying things and posting "articles" that cause more division. I'm sure I can't be the only one that feels this way. So I'm inviting you to join me for 21 days of #NoScrolling. I'm excited to see if I can feel a difference.
Life is too short to waste time. Life is too short to be worked up about something. Especially facebook.
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