My 2013

How cliche is it for me to say this year went by so fast?  Well it did!  Seems like that's the case every year.  This year has obviously been different than most.  When I think on what I want for 2014 I'm at a loss for how to feel.  Yes, I do have hopes and goals, but it's not the same as before.  Everyone always says things like "I just hope for my family and friends to be happy and healthy.  That's all I could ask for."  Well what happens when your family is not all healthy and happy?  What does that mean for us? 
I struggle with a combination of feeling extremely blessed by all that we do have, but on the other hand, if I don't have my son, what does it mean anyway?
I'm really quite shocked at what this blog has turned into this year.  I started this blog almost 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Farrah as a way to keep our out of town family and friends in the loop with what was going on in our lives.  On average I would say I had about 20 views of my blog per post.  Then, the first post I wrote after Kellen passed has had 1772 views to date.  I don't think I even know that many people. I can't even begin to thank everyone for what they've done for us this year.  If there's one thing I've learned from this year it's that we have the best family and friends on the entire planet.  Literally.... I checked, it's science.  Thank you for loving us, loving this blog and showing us that Kellen's life mattered to you all. 
Abe and I are the first to admit that we maybe took on a lot early in our relationship, more than others thought was wise.  We got married somewhat young, we bought a house young, we had kids right after we got married.  Was it the right choice for us?  Yes.  Would I recommend it for everyone?  No.  This year has brought a lot more changes for us.  Other than the obvious, we have made adjustments to our lifestyle based on our priorities.  Abe left a great job so that he could be a stay at home dad.  We've never shied away from making the right choice for us because we were afraid of what others would think. 
While I'm mostly an open book, there's one thing that I feel I should keep to myself on this public platform of a blog, and that's my relationship with my husband.  I think most things about us should stay between us.  But what I will say is that I have never been more clear that I married the most perfect man on the planet for me.  I can't imagine walking this road with anyone else by my side.  He holds me up when I don't think I can stand one more minute, and I hope I do the same for him too.  I thank God everyday for placing him in my life. 
So 2014, what do you hold for us?  When I ask myself that question the only image that comes to mind is Abe, Farrah and I holding hands and walking down a dirt road together.  So I guess I just pray that we continue moving forward.  That we can continue to walk together as a family, hand in hand. That's all I could really ask for.

This picture was taken on October 28th.  The day before Kellen grew his angel wings.  I realized I didn't have a picture of my 2 kiddos together as the backdrop for my phone so I told Farrah to kiss her brother and I snapped this one and I set it as my wallpaper.  I can't bring myself to change it.  I wouldn't be surprised if it stays there forever.  I will cherish this poor quality, Iphone picture for the rest of my life.  This is how I want to remember my 2013. 

Breath of Heaven

As I laid in bed last night, my thoughts racing, I said a quick prayer that God would hold me together today.  I was reminded of a Christmas song by Amy Grant called "Breath of Heaven."  It's about Mary realizing the great responsibility of carrying the Son of God. 

"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now."

While my situation is obviously a much different one, I still found myself dwelling for a few moments on this load that we have been given.  I try not to stay in this negative space for too long.  It will totally consume you if you do.  That is not a good space for anyone to be in.  Especially on Christmas.  But every once in a while I allow myself to have a pity party.   Last night was one of those times.  

I couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas is to us now, and what it will be for us for the rest of our lives.  It's nothing like I thought it was before.  Did we buy gifts for Farrah?  Sure.  Did we decorate?  Yep.  Are we celebrating with our family today?  Of course.  But it will never be the same.  

I know this sounds silly but sometimes I let my imagination run away with me and just picture someone busting into our house holding Kellen and yelling "We made a mistake!  He's fine, here he is."  That somehow he will come back home.  I wonder what he would be doing this Christmas.  Would he be walking?  He was very close to that point right before he went to heaven.  Would he be saying any words?  What presents would we have gotten him?  I could go on and on.  

Yesterday we went to his grave.  It was the first time we have been back since the service.  In away it was even harder than his service.  There was no hustle and bustle.  No flowers, family, Pastors, balloons released or anything but us and his little stone. One of my many "ugly cry" moments of the past few days.
My best friends made us a beautiful gift.  She is the queen of pinterest without being on pinterest.  She comes up with the best ideas.  Those of you that knew Kellen whether you met him in person or just saw his pictures on facebook got to see the many expressions he had. I swear he never made the same face twice.  So they created a "How am I feeling today?' board.  There are lots of pictures of Kellen on there and Abe, Farrah and myself each have our own ring to hang our picture on how we may be feeling that day. 

Most days I don't even know how to feel.  I'm so all over the board (no pun intended) with my emotions that I think my ring will be on a permanent state of:

 Farrah keeps saying she's happy and hangs hers on one of his many happy faces.  She always asks why mine is on a sad face.  I explain to her it's ok to be sad.  We just really miss Kellen and sometimes that comes out with happy memories and sometimes we're just sad.  I won't lie, sadness has been a pretty common feeling for me.  If I'm not thinking about him, I'm ok so you may see me looking happy and I probably am in that moment, but the second I start to think about him or see his picture, it's an instant, overwhelming feeling of sadness and I can cry at the drop of a hat.  It doesn't take much. Thankfully I have a few crying face pictures to hang my ring on in those moments.

More than anything, when I think of Kellen I think of his huge, over the top smile.  So today I'm choosing to hang my ring on this picture.  One of the pure joy he exuded everyday.  He was a joy.  He was my joy. 

 So as we head into 2014 I just pray that God helps hold us together.  For now, that's all I could possibly ask for. 

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy."

Fears

We are still waiting on the final report from the coroner about what exactly happened with Kellen.  It's such a hard thing to wait for.  I'm not exactly sure what to be thinking.  The day he passed when we were talking with the coroner, he said they would do an initial autopsy and if they didn't find anything, they would have to send his bloodwork to the a lab on the east coast and it could take up to 90 days to hear anything.  The initial autopsy showed nothing.... and so we wait.
We were certainly aware of SIDS, I mean they send you home with paperwork about it, your pediatrician makes sure you're following all the suggestions, you just don't think it would never happen to you.  I struggle with the fact that Kellen was 11 months old.  It's so rare for SIDS to occur at that age.  Of course he was sleeping on his stomach.  He was rolling over by 6 months and at 11 months he was rolling around in his crib, sitting up, pulling himself up to standing and holding on to the rails of his crib.  Not exactly the phase you're worried about something like this happening. 
After this happened, I've done more research and stumbled on the story of a family that lost their baby to SIDS when she fell asleep on her dad's chest and they both napped together.  We have all seen those pictures.  Here's one of Abe and Farrah doing the same thing.

I can't imagine that family's heartbreak. I thought I would pass it along, just to remind everyone it's not safe. 
Anyhow, as a new mom, I always thought that SIDS was my worst fear.  I even remember telling my best friends about my worst fear long before Kellen was even born.  And now that I have lived through it, and I wait for the results, it's strangely become what I hope to hear.  If I hear back that it was SIDS, I feel as though I can release it, that it was a fluke, and not something that I somehow missed or overlooked.  I've been able to wrap my brain around SIDS, but I don't know how to feel if it comes back as something else.  He went to sleep peacefully and just didn't wake up.  That's what I have to keep telling myself. 
As you can imagine, living through your worst fear changes you.  And surprisingly, it's not all bad.  Not many little things scare me anymore.  I'm not afraid to step out of my comfort zone like I sometimes was before.  I'm not afraid of failing when I try something new.  And I'm certainly not afraid to let people know how I feel as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. 
Something that stood out to me on this topic recently was the show "Long Island Medium."  For those of you that haven't seen it, this fantastic lady with big blonde hair and ridiculously long nails is able to communicate with people that have passed away in her fantastic Long Island accent, all while wearing stilettos.  It's a pretty awesome show.  I used to watch that show and with most of the stories I would get pretty emotional.  Especially the ones where they had lost a spouse or a child.  So I finally decided to watch it again.  I had a few episodes saved on my DVR and one night when Abe was working late, I sat on the couch with my cup of tea, warm blanket, and my box of tissues ready.  I made it through all 3 episodes and not a single tear.  There was even a story on one of the episodes about a woman that had lost her son and still, nothing.  The only thing I could come up with as to why the show didn't have the same effect on me is that before I would watch and think "I can't even imagine.  I just can't even imagine.  That's my worst fear."  And now well......
I'm sure it may come across as a tad bitter, that I've become jaded.  I really don't think that's it.  I just think my heart can't possibly be the same as it was before.  A new sweet friend of mine that also lost her son to SIDS said so eloquently, when something like this happens your heart shatters into a million pieces like dropping a plate on the floor, and as time goes on, Farrah and any other children we may have will help glue back together all the pieces but it will never be the same plate as it was before. 

A better me

*Warning- the tone of this post is meant to be lighthearted.  If you are guilty of any of the things I'm going to mention, please understand I'm not angry about it, I find a lot of it humorous actually, so know that it's not something to get offended about.... just laugh with me people.  I need more of that right now.

If there's one thing I'm sure people don't understand about me right now it's some of the choices I've made to take on more right now.  It may seem like now is the time for me to slow down to a halt and just be grateful if I made it through a day.  And there are days that are just like that.  Days where I find myself crying because I passed by his room and it brought up a memory and emotion and I just can't seem to get it together.  Days like that, I allow it to happen.  I don't force myself to do anything I'm not up for.  But if I'm feeling functional, I'm trying to leverage that to keep moving forward positively.  If not, then most of my days will be consumed by sadness and that's not a good mental state for everyone.  So while some of our choices right now may cause you to raise an eyebrow, please know that we're doing what's best for us.
I myself, have been guilty of judging situations like this in the past.  In the news a while back there was a story about a man named Dr. William Petit.  His home was broken into by 2 men and his wife and two daughters were murdered and he was the only one left alive.  A few years later it came up that he was getting remarried and then that him and his new wife were expecting a baby.  I immediately went in to a judgmental mode.  How could he do that?  So soon?  Like they never existed?  I thought about it again the other day, and while it's not to say I would make the same choices in his situation, I feel for him and I understand he made that choice.  I feel like a huge piece of me is gone and never coming back.  I can't imagine if my entire family was ripped away from me how I would feel.  The piece that I wasn't understanding was that he wanted and needed to feel happy again.  How can you fault someone for that?
Here's a few things I've been doing differently since Kellen passed.  There is a method behind my madness.  Please understand I will never feel the need to justify our choices, but this blog is about our life and so I'm excited to share with you what's going on with us.

• A healthier me!  I used to be super fit in college (why do I feel like I'm not the only one that has uttered those words?)  But after I entered the "real world" it seemed as if that slipped from my priority list.  So much so that I went from working out daily to never.  We got a gym membership back in June but I was hit or miss with going.  I'd go a 2-3 times per week for a little bit, then take a couple weeks off from going.  When Kellen passed, one of the things that really struck me was how my perfectly healthy little man's body just stopped working.  And here I am, sitting on the couch, not using my body to stay healthy.  I think about him when I'm driving to the gym.  I usually go in the morning.  It's quiet on the drive so I have some time to reflect.  When I don't feel like going, I have a much stronger image in my head then most people do to force me out the door.  I want to make healthier choices for him, for my family, and for myself.  So when I hear people telling me to take it easy, I usually brush it off.  I'm sure you can tell by looking at me that I'm not wasting away so not to worry, I'm just working on being healthy.  I'm still working on the food part.  Sugar is my downfall.  Guilty as charged.  But I'm working on it. 
• Along the same lines, much less TV.  I used to watch a few shows throughout the day.  Now, because of a combination of no time, and not wanting to use the time I do have to watch TV, I'm usually only watching one show at night with my hubby before bed.  I have so many shows set to automatically record on my DVR (hello Judge Judy!) that have gotten so backed up I'm sure I couldn't watch them all in my lifetime.  I used to think of watching shows on my DVR as checking off something on my to do list.  Seriously.  It sounds bad when I type it out, probably because it is.  But I would seriously think, Oh I need to get to those shows I've been meaning to watch.  Seriously?  
• Career choices.  I'm used to this one.  People typically don't get what I do.  At first, I tried to convince them that I was making the right choice for me.  All I did was frustrate myself even more so I stopped doing that.  I just put my head down, put my blinders on and went to work.  It seems to have reappeared recently, however.  Mostly because Abe and I made the decision for him to leave his full time job to be home and for me to start working my business more.  It was always in our plans to do this, but Kellen just fast forwarded our plans.  As Abe has put it "The gift Kellen has given me is to allow me to be home with the people that matter most."  So naturally, the questions start to come up about our plans now.  Our plan is just that.  I will work more and Abe will stay home.  He will be a stay-at-home dad and help me in the office for the business.  Like I had mentioned in a previous post, people sometimes feel the need to fix the situation, this is another thing they feel the need to fix.  They offer suggestions as to what I could do, or what Abe could do, and I always just smile and nod.  One of these days I may just say "Oh yes... my degree I totally forgot about that thing!  You're right, I should totally use that!  Thanks for the suggestion!"  I hope you all understand my tone in all this.  I'm not angry when people say these things, I'm just amused.  

So there you have it.  We're making changes for the better.  We think things through.  We don't need anyone worrying about it.  Support is all we need right now. 

It's crazy to me to think that in 10 years I will have a child in high school.  I wish when I was in high school I had half the confidence that my 4 year old does.  I just pray that she hangs on to it and doesn't let the world change her. I mean the girl can rock a pair of my 4 inch heels like it's nothing.   

Yesterday I witnessed something that made me very sad.  I was going with Farrah to get starbucks and drove to the one closest to us that happens to be close to the high school near our house.  I didn't even realize what time it was until I got over there and saw all the crowds of kids hanging out in the shopping center.  3:05pm.  Ughhh.... why did I come to this starbucks?  I know how disrespectful high school kids can be and I just figured I would have to deal with trying to navigate my car through a crowded parking lot with kids who didn't care to get out of the way of cars.  But what I witnessed was beyond what I could have expected.  There were about 4 cop cars in the parking lot just watching the kids, telling them to move it along, go home, get out of the way of the cars coming at them (like seriously, how arrogant can they be that a car is coming towards them and they still don't move because they just assume we'll see them and stop for them.) 

 I pulled up to the starbucks drive thru window and when the windows opened I heard shouting inside.  I guess some  kids were causing a scene inside and they were yelling at the people working there.  The employees were shouting back that the cops were on the way and they needed to leave.  I asked the girl if it was normal for it to be this crazy at this time and she said it's always crazy but this week in particular because the day before there was a fight at the McDonald's next door so they had lots of police here to try and avoid more problems.  I looked up to see two teenage girls spouting off at the mouth to the police officers, refusing to move.  After much push back the cops finally decided to arrest them.  I'm shaking my head thinking about if I ever saw my child speak to anyone like that let alone a cop, she would have bigger problems than jail.  

I paid for my coffee, and as I started to drive away the Starbucks girl yelled "good luck!" as I drove away.  I slowly crept forward, locked our doors and prayed I could find the quickest way to get out of this situation.  I slowly navigated my way through the crowd and tried to get to the parking lot exit furthest from the crowd.  As I was making my way out I saw a fight break out on the other side of the parking lot and to my surprise it was two girls flinging each other around by the hair.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I'm just glad Farrah was concentrating hard on her scone so she didn't notice anything going on around us.  As soon as it broke out, all the kids from the other side of the parking lot came flying over like a swarm of bees.  No regard for the cars driving, they just ran. I saw several of them almost get hit.  I'm not exaggerating when I say probably 200 kids were running across the parking lot and all I could do was keep my foot on the break and hope none of them ran into my car because the likelihood of them actually taking responsibility for any damage to my car was slim to none.  As soon as I saw a small break in the crowd I took the chance and sped through the parking lot and prayed no idiot teenager jumped in front of my car.  

Once I made it safely out of the parking lot I was kind of in shock.  Is this what teenagers are like?  While I know I was no angel in high school, there were disrespectful kids, there was even the occasional fight, I know it was nothing like what I saw.  I was smart enough to know to keep my mouth shut if I was going to get arrested (not that I ever was close to getting arrested, but you know what I mean.)  

So I started to try to come up with a solution.  Like most women, I see a problem and I want to solve it.  My first thought was, what can the school do to fix this problem?  We're so quick to blame the schools and the teachers aren't we?  But as I thought about it, there was no solution from the schools that I could think of.  How can they possibly control our children after school gets out?  How is that their responsibility?  

So I began to wonder what it was about my upbringing that made it so unfathomable to act that way, when to these kids it was just another Wednesday?  My parents didn't beat me, they only even spanked me a couple times in my entire life.  They didn't scream at me, or belittle me.  Two things stick out to me, though.  We had a healthy fear of them and they had us involved in lots of activities.  I always knew my moms "look" and I was so afraid of what would happen if I persisted past the point of getting the look so I never really tested her.  Well, ok there may have been one incident which we still talk about to this day in which I rolled my eyes and walked away from her so she followed me to my room and then sat on me to force me to listen.  We have differing views as to how this really went down.

  We played practically every sport, and I could probably have been my own marching band with all the different instruments I learned at different points in my life.  Don't ask me how to play anything now because I don't remember but they served their purpose at the time.

So while there is no "answer" to solving foolishness, I believe that whatever it is, will start in the home.  If there's anything that losing a child has taught me, it's that being a parent is an absolute privilege not to be taken lightly.  Of all the jobs we have as adults, if you have a child, it's important that we don't lose sight of that fact that being a parent is the most important.  I pray for those kids  acting crazy in the parking lot.  I pray that their parents are able to guide them to leading a productive life and not a destructive one.  I pray for myself daily.  I know that sounds strange, but knowing that I don't have all the answers, I pray that God will steer me in the right direction when it comes to being a parent.  And I pray for my sweet Farrah.  That she will never loose her confidence.  That she will always stand up for what is right.  That she won't allow bullies to tear her down.  That she will continue dancing.  That she will continue to be a good friend to all.  That she will one day be a great parent. 

What to say to someone like me

Time sure is moving quickly isn't it?  It  feels like I just brought Kellen home from the hospital and yet 2013 is coming to a close.  One of the things I've noticed as time is going on is that people's reactions when they hear what happened are changing.  When it first happened and I told people, I would get a lot of looks of horror, genuine emotion, even some people who cried with me.  Now when I have to say "my son passed away a little over a month ago" I get a lot of "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," said back to me.  It's obviously hard to convey emotion on a computer but you get the idea.  As if, since it's been a month it's somehow less horrifying and emotional.  

It hit me yesterday that it's only going to get harder for me and my family as time goes on, and for everyone else it gets easier to wrap their brain around it.  Not that anyone wants to see this kind of thing happen but they can bounce back while I will never be able to.  It reminded me of both times I gave birth.  At first you're saying "I just had a baby" and that means something to people.  It means you're getting no sleep, you're flaky, you probably look like a hot mess, you may not have bounced back to your pre baby body yet, and people are perfectly accepting of that.  But after about a year if you keep saying "I just had a baby" it doesn't quite have the same effect. 

When Kellen passed away my Pastor told us that a lot of people will probably not know what to say to you so they just won't say anything at all.  It's not because they don't care but they just don't know what to say.  They feel like they need to have the answers for you and since they don't they just don't say anything to you.  Boy was he right about that.  Pretty much every person that messages me or runs in to me dances around it then usually says "I just don't know what to say."  I don't blame you at all.  I would be the same way.  

I thought I might tell you some things that I find helpful.  Not everyone grieves the same way so these may not work for everyone experiencing loss but in my limited experience I've found these things helpful: 

• Ask how I'm doing in this moment.  Asking how I'm doing in general can be a loaded question because I can't wrap all that emotion into a sentence and I don't want to just dump all my baggage on some poor unsuspecting soul who just asked how I was doing but if you just ask how I'm doing right now I can tell you honestly and it will open up the door if I feel like talking more. 
• If you have lost a child as well I want to talk to you.  A lot.  I've had people that I've known for a while come forward and tell me they've lost a child and I didn't even know but I have to tell you it's so comforting to talk to someone who has been through it.  I hate to say it's like a club because that's no club you ever want to be a part of, but there is comfort in the words of people that have walked this road and have continued on. 
• That being said, while I appreciate the sentiment behind it, the references and comparisons to having lost a grandparent or something like that are not my favorite.  I always smile and nod just because I know it's people's way of being supportive and they want to say something so they tell me about how their grandpa died or their aunt or something and while I understand what a loss that might be to them it is absolutely nothing like what I'm going through.  We all anticipate our grandparents will probably die in our lifetime, but not our children.  This is so unnatural and out of order. This is the absolute worst pain you could ever experience.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  
• As I referenced earlier, many people feel the need to have answers in order to talk to me about it.  I get it.  We all want to be problem solvers.  But let me address this one right now.  THERE IS NO ANSWER.  I don't need you to solve this for me.  Just be there.  
• Hugs are awesome.  Pretty straightforward. Just don't be upset if you end up with tears all over your shirt. 
• Lastly, my absolute worst fear is that people will forget about Kellen.  He was a human being that took up almost my entire day from the moment my eyes opened in the morning (and the several times during the middle of the night) until I laid my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes at night.  He and Farrah each have 100% of my heart (yes math people it is possible, trust me.)  So I know I will never forget him.  In fact I can't imagine a time when I won't be thinking of him every minute of everyday.  But the world is moving on.  It's becoming more evident.  So don't feel the need to brush it under the rug.  Most of the time I would love nothing more than to share a story about his funny faces or the funny faces Farrah would make when she was about to go in for a smooch on her brother.  I stumbled upon these pictures that I believe were taken around April this year.  I loved the lighting.  A very peaceful scene.

*Please understand these are things that have worked for me and by no means do I think they're blanket fixes for the entire grieving population but I just wanted to express some of my thoughts on the subject.

Small reminders

It feels like it's been forever since I've had time to sit with my thoughts and write.  We've made it through one of the busiest weeks of the year for us.  Trip down south, Disneyland, Thanksgiving, Kellen's birthday, back up north and Farrah's birthday party all within a week.  I'm tired just thinking about it!  Farrah's 4th birthday was on Tuesday and when we asked her what she wanted to do she just said she wanted to stay home.  She's a bit of a homebody.  Abe and I are too so it's no surprise she's the same way.  So we decided to make it a day filled with Christmas festivities.  We put up the decorations inside and outside the house and just had a lazy day.  Kellen made his presence known throughout the day.  Still hoping I'll get to the point where I think of him and smile, but right now I still hurt when I think of him.  When Farrah and I were decorating the tree, I pulled an ornament out of the box that I didn't recognize at first and when I looked at it closely I realized it was Kellen's "baby's first Christmas" ornament from last year.  What started off as a happy activity with my daughter, quickly made me sad.  I tried to ignore it for her sake and continue decorating.
Abe had gone to Target to buy some Christmas decorations for the house and he came home with these big block letters that say "JOY."  They were very pretty so while he was outside putting up the lights I thought I'd set them up on top of our China hutch.  While I was playing with Farrah in her room I heard Abe come inside, up the stairs, and then I heard him doing something in Kellen's room.  We've kept Kellen's door shut since he passed away so I looked in to see what he might be doing in there and saw him arranging the "JOY" letters in Kellen's window sill with Christmas lights all around them. 

This picture doesn't do it justice, but this is what it looks like at night from the outside of our house.  It looks beautiful.  I still feel sadness when I think of him, but he did bring us so much joy that I think it fits nicely. 

After we finished the lights we headed out for Farrah's birthday dinner.  We made a stop on the way for me to pick up her bike I ordered online on black Friday.  Don't worry Farrah isn't quite reading yet there's no chance she'll read this and find out what she's getting for Christmas.  Besides, even if she could read, my blog doesn't have princesses all over it so there's no chance she would read it.  While I was waiting for them to bring the bike up front I was looking around at all the toys thinking about how different Christmas will be this year.  Then the gentleman working pushed the cart out with Farrah's bike and another toy that belonged to someone else that happened to be Kellen's favorite toy. 

This was his favorite toy.  He would mostly just chase the balls around on the floor but this monstrosity of a toy took up half my living room for a long time.  When I saw it on the cart I couldn't help but picture him crawling all around the living room chasing after the balls and I got really sad again.  I knew it was his way of saying hi to me, and while I love thinking of him, I hate the sadness that is still there.
I was able to keep it together until the car ride home from the restaurant.  I cried the whole way home.  Then when we got home I kept it together again for a while until I laid down in bed and I just let go and cried until there wasn't much left.  I didn't have a specific reason why I was crying, and yet I had every reason to cry.  I was crying because I was sad, I was crying because I was angry, I was crying because I felt robbed, I was crying because I miss him so very much.
I want this sadness to go away but I'm afraid that will mean he's being forgotten.  For now I will try to remember these small reminders are Kellen just making his presence known.  I find comfort in knowing he's still around us... that he's still here, just in a different way.