This day

Dear sweet baby boy,

Happy Birthday to you!  I had so many plans for this day.  I couldn't wait to rush into your room in the morning and scoop you up and be the first to sing happy birthday to you.  I was looking forward to seeing you eat cake for the first time.  I imagine you would have loved it as you loved pretty much everything we ever put in front of you.  You take after your dad in that way. I would dress you up in a special "birthday boy" outfit and take lots of pictures to celebrate your first year of life.  I was going to get you your first train and your first toy cars.  I'm new at this boy thing so I was excited to spoil you with all the little boy things I could find.  

One year ago you came into our lives after an eventful pregnancy and I was so relieved to see your sweet face and hold you for the first time.  Never would I have imagined how little time we would have with you here on earth.  I still can't believe you're gone.  Exactly one month has passed and I miss you more each day.  

On this special day, I wanted to take a moment to share with you what your short life has meant to so many people.  You have left a lasting impact and I am so proud to be your mom.  I have heard from so many people how your passing has reminded them how short life is.  Because of you they spend less time worrying and more time loving.  Because of you they make sure to hug and kiss their family every day before they leave for work.  Because of you moms are worrying less about house work and spending more time just being with their kids.  Because of you I make sure to tell everyone I love them every time I talk to them, no matter if I haven't seen them in 10 years or I see them everyday.  

Today is a day when many people are out facing the crowds, waiting in long lines, fighting over parking spaces and even fighting with each other to get a good deal on stuff.  Stuff.  It sounds so bad when I say it that way doesn't it?  I think it's very fitting that today is your birthday.  I think this is one more chance for you to leave an impression on people.  Nothing is more important than people and relationships... family by blood or family by choice.  I would load up my house full of stuff and drop it off the edge of a cliff if it meant I had one more minute with you.  That is the gift you have given to me on your birthday.  So thank you, my son.  I wish I could see you eating your cake up in heaven and celebrating with the other children up there.  I will be thinking of you all day today.  I love you more than I could have ever thought possible. 

Here are the lyrics to the song I used to always sing to you before you went to sleep.  I hope that somehow by me writing them out you're able to know I'm still singing them to you. 

"I love you so much,

I love you so much,

I can't even tell you how much I love you.

You're special to me,

You're special to me,

I'm lucky to have you as part of my life. 

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you so much, 

I love you so much, 

I can't even tell you how much I love you."

Love you my dear son. 

Love,

Mommy

Life lately

Heaviness lately.  I'm normally a happy, positive person.  I apologize for the tone of the blog but I imagine if you didn't want to know what life is like after such a devastating loss than you wouldn't be reading. 
Yesterday I went with my family to go celebrate my Grandpa's 82nd Birthday.  I've been trying to get out of the house as much as possible.  The day that Kellen passed my Mary Kay girlfriend came over and as she hugged me while I was crying she whispered in my ear "you know I went through this too right?"  I had no idea.  It was as if God sent an angel for me that night to lean on.  Someone who understands my pain.  Her son passed away when he was 2 and I had no idea.  She told me something that has really stuck with me.  She said, "You have 2 choices...  You can be depressed and miserable for the rest of your life or you can live your life to honor your son."  I knew right then which route I was going to take. 
I've had so many people tell me how well I'm doing or how strong I am, and I see where they're coming from, but I'm here to tell you, I'm not "ok."  I never will be.  I'm just choosing to live my life to honor Kellen.  Farrah lost her brother and I would be devastated if she felt that she was robbed of her parents too.  I also don't want people worrying about me.  The few times I've broken down in public I get the sense that people feel sorry for me and worry about me.  I don't need people worrying about me, I'm just grieving. 
These days I spend most of my time focusing on Farrah and a few other things that bring me happiness.  Farrah is doing surprisingly well.  She talks about Kellen all the time but there's never a sadness behind what she's talking about.  I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the fact that she's not even 4 years old yet.  Yesterday we were driving in the morning and you could still see the moon in the sky and she said "hey look mom the moon is out!  I wonder what it's still doing out?  I know!  It's Kellen because he's my star and he's watching over us."  How she is so smart and so well spoken for such a little kid I will never understand. 

 *Photo by Linda Davis

For me, most of the time I'm able to function ok.  I have my moments, usually at night time where I can't contain it anymore and I break down.  I was watching the X-Factor the other night and one of the groups sang Cold Play's "fix you."  I don't usually have any idea what Cold Play is singing about.  But their words in this song stuck out to me so much that I couldn't contain my emotion.  The song is about someone being broken and their partner trying to fix them.  As he was singing I was thinking about how for the rest of our lives, Abe and I will be trying to fix something that can't be fixed.  Then he sang the line "tears stream down your face when you lose something you can't replace."  I can't get this song out of my head now. 
Not that I need to explain myself to anyone, but just to let everyone know how we're doing... we're not ok.  We never will be.  But that doesn't mean you won't see us out, living a full life. 

Support

One of the things that has come up since Kellen passed away is how many amazing people we have in our lives.  And they're all from different places too.  Friends, family, coworkers, church family, I could go on and on.  I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge everyone that has sent cards, sent flowers, brought food, sent messages of condolences, came to Kellen's service, sent money, gave a hug or just lent an ear.  Your unending support is amazing.  I've had several people tell me how awesome it is to see how much support we have.  I agree.  I have been reminded that despite all of the horrible things going on in the world, there still are many great people out there and we're happy that we know so many of them.
First up is our family.  They are grieving in their own way but they have still been there for us.  Running errands, watching Farrah, yard work, house work, phone calls, sending jokes to cheer us up, whatever we need.  We have the best family both near and far. 
Next is our friends.  And I use the term "friends" because technically we don't share any of the same DNA but we are blessed to have friends so close that they're basically family.  I have friends that would do absolutely anything for us and have.  My best friends arrived at our house on October 29th faster than the ambulances got to my house, that's how amazing they are.  They have done so much more for us than we have ever done for them.  I just hope we can return the favor someday but for something happier... like watching their kids or pets when they go on a vacation :)
Next up we have our coworkers.  We're blessed to think of these people more like family than friends.  Abe's work has been so supportive and understanding.  They have allowed him to take as much time as he needs and everyone at the office has stepped up to take on his workload so he doesn't have to think about it. 
My amazing Mary Kay girlfriends are the best.  I have always said that when my kids are older, if they're ever in a place where they need help and I'm not there, they can pick up a phone book (who am I kidding, they'll just google it) and find a Mary Kay director in their area and I'm 100 % sure that Mary Kay lady would lend them a car, food, a bed, whatever they needed because that's just how we roll.  I have received hundreds and hundreds of cards.  This picture is just a fraction.  I've had people bringing food, holding appointments for me and then slipping the money from the sales under my door, and just working hard to honor Kellen this month.  I have not been working my business so that I can be with my family and yet our unit is having our best month ever and it's not even over yet.  They're doing so great that we will be earning another car by the end of December when we've only had this one a couple months.  I've even received hand written cards from the President of Mary Kay and from the corporate staff as well.  I have never been more proud to represent this company. 

My mom's club friends are up next.  These ladies and I have a special bond.  We all love each others kids very much.  Whenever I was at a mom's club event I could pass Kellen off to whoever.  Here he is being held by my friend Kelsy in the back row at our Child Health and Safety fair event.  

When Kellen passed they started a fundraiser to help us pay for his funeral expenses and the amount collected far surpassed what we needed.  These women are amazing and I'm grateful for their friendship everyday.
And lastly, I wanted to thank our church family.  I can't imagine making this walk without my faith in God.  I actually feel very sorry for anyone that doesn't have faith because this experience, plus knowing what I will face for the rest of my life would be unimaginable if I didn't know that Kellen was at peace, with God, watching over us, and that we will see him again.   So how can I begin to thank the people from our church that have been praying for us, dropping off meals, and being a support for our family.  Our pastors Shaun and Dianna came to our house right away that morning when Kellen passed when they got a call from someone at the police department saying what had happened.  They were with us at our darkest moment, as we had to answer questions to the police department and then say our goodbyes to our son.  How do you thank someone for that?  Their love they have shown us has been a wonderful reminder of God's love.  Not to mention there are some darn good cooks at our church!  Man, my waistline is definitely proof of that!

If I have forgotten to mention anyone I sincerely apologize but please know that we are grateful for everyone that has shown their support over these past few weeks.  Kellen was the biggest joy you could ever imagine and by showing your support to us you are honoring his life. 

Distractions

I'm going to need some extra love these next several weeks.  While most people are getting ready for happy family get togethers over Thanksgiving and Christmas we're preparing ourselves to face those without our little guy.  Not only that, but we have our trip to LA and disneyland that we had planned to enjoy with him there.  And probably the most painful will be Black Friday, which for most will be the day where they're out trying to score a good deal on the hottest toys and electronics, but for us will be Kellen's first birthday.  We also have Farrah's 4th birthday a couple days later and her birthday party which we had planned on being a joint party for the 2 of them, but has now turned into a princess party for Farrah. 
Distractions have seemed to help.  However I'm coming to realize that they're short lived and then I either need to find another distraction or I get lost in my thoughts and the uncontrollable waterworks start. 
My very best friend Carla got married this past weekend.  I'd been looking forward to this day for so long.  I knew that what my friend wanted was a huge dance party which is what I wanted to make sure she got.  I dance at weddings anyways, but especially this one.  I was not going to leave the dance floor the entire time and I didn't.  I was there, dancing my heart out to show my friend how much I loved her and show my husband how awesome of a DJ I think he is.  But there was this awkward, uneasy feeling I had while I was "having a good time."  You see, I'm sure most of the people that were there knew what had happened with our family.  As I was dancing around the room in a conga line, wine in one hand, maraca in the other, I started to wonder what people thought of me.  Was it strange to them to see me having such a good time so soon after such a tragedy?  I kept on though, because I was genuinely having a good time and I wanted everyone to do the same.  I didn't want this day to be about anyone or anything other than my best friend and her new wonderful husband.  
After Kellen passed, we had his service to plan and then as soon as that was over I dove into helping Carla with whatever she needed.  Getting her house ready, running errands, whatever she needed.  I started to think maybe I was getting a handle on this grief thing.  Sounds silly now.  How does anyone ever really get a handle on it?  But I found my emotions seemed to be in check and I was able to get through each day functioning as a normal human being.  And then something interesting happened.  Her wedding ended.  I was there doing my bridesmaids duties of cleaning up the venue and loading stuff into the car and I just started sobbing.  "What is wrong with you?" I thought.  Why am I crying right now?  My first thought was the multiple glasses of wine I drank were starting to take effect.  In all seriousness though I think it was because this thing that I had focused on the past couple of weeks was over and now I was left with just myself and my sorrow. 
The next day I started to think about what I could do to distract myself next.  But at what point do the distractions run out?  Eventually I have to just feel it. I don't want to though.  It is the most unbearable pain you could imagine so why would I want to force myself to experience it?  I don't have the answer.  I'm not sure I ever will.  For now, the best I can do is distract myself as much as I can, but give myself permission to have my breakdowns from time to time.  So if you see us over these next few weeks, we know you probably don't know what to say.  We don't expect anyone to have an answer for us.  Just love on us.  Love is what's helping us make it each day.  It is the best distraction from our pain.

Farrahisms

You may have noticed by now that our 4 year old daughter Farrah is a wonderful distraction from our sadness.  She has always been a special girl, but I'm convinced now that she is part of God's plan to heal us.  You know those annoying people that always post the funny things their kid says?  Guilty as charged.  I can't help it.  She is a constant source of joy and laughter in our house.  She has always been known for her Farrahisms, and I notice them even more so now than ever.  I appreciate the way she chooses to say things when before I never paid attention.  Every pop of her hip, every scrunchy face, every mispronunciation is something I want to hold onto.  It's what makes Farrah, Farrah.  It's what brings us joy in our sorrow.
So here are some of my favorite Farrahisms from the past couple of weeks. 

• A few days after Kellen passed we had family visiting and Farrah's aunt gave her some chocolate gold coins.  Farrah has one of the biggest sweet tooths I know.  I wonder why that is?  :)  So one night we were getting ready for bed and I couldn't find Farrah.  As you remember from my previous post I'm much more paranoid about Farrah now so I went into an instant panic.  I was calling for her and running through the house and couldn't find her.  I went into our room and saw a small lump on our bed under the blankets but usually when she hides under the covers you can see her moving around.  I lifted up the blanket just to be sure and there she was with her gold coins eating them as quietly and as still as she could.  

• Follow up to the gold coin thing.  This morning my husband discovered she had a secret stash of her gold coins in a drawer in her room.  He brought it out to show me and all that was left was a bunch of wrappers and one coin that was uneaten.  I tried to give her "the look" and she just smiled at me and said "Yeah mom, see.... I was saving this coin for after my dinner, isn't that great?"

• At dinner a couple nights ago Farrah decided to bring up the topic of us having another baby.  Here's how the conversation went... Farrah: "Mommy and Daddy can you please get married again so you can have another baby?" Abe: "Farrah, Mommy and Daddy are already married so we don't have to get married again to have another baby." Farrah with a confused look on her face: "Oh well then how do you have another baby?" Abe stares at her for a minute: "Ok sweetie we can get married again."  #notreadyforthatconversation

• At such a young age she's very aware of other people's emotions and she wants to fix things when she sees people are sad.  I was reading her a new children's book we got her that explains death and what it means and I started crying as I was reading it to her.  She saw I was crying, touched my cheek and told me I didn't have to be sad.  She has such a great heart.  She holds it together much better than we ever could.

 

• She told us that dancing and singing makes her happy when she's sad so there's been a lot more of that lately.  You can tell she is really feeling it when she dances.  The faces she makes are hilarious.  She gets lost in the music.  We told her that at the church where we were having Kellen's celebration there was a stage where people were going to talk so when we first got there the first thing she asked was "Where's the stage?"  She was dancing pretty much the whole time in the background of everyone's speeches and I was totally ok with that. 

• And probably my most favorite moment of Farrah I've ever had since she was born was something that happened at Kellen's graveside service.  She has been sitting there quietly as our Pastor was speaking and at the end he said "Let's pray."  Before he could speak Farrah just put her little hands together and started praying out loud.  We all stayed quiet and listened.  She thanked God for all that we have.  She prayed for us who were sad to be happy.  She was happy that Kellen was in heaven.  Amen.
  
  
  

Things Remembered

 This is going to be a hard post for me, but I know I need to write it.  I know I will never forget the major things about Kellen... what a mama's boy he was, his silly faces, how big he would smile.  As time goes on though, I am so afraid that I might forget the little things.  Which is why I wanted to take some time to memorialize some of the little things that I remember now that with time may slip from my memory.
So let me introduce you to my sweet Kellen...

• He loved bath time.  And not even necessarily his own bath.  Once he was mobile, all I would have to do is turn on the bath water and he would come crawling as quick as he could to the bath.  My favorite thing was before he could pull himself up, he would crawl to the bath and just rock back and forth on all fours, banging his head against the bath each time until I picked him up and leaned him against the bath so he could see in.  He would put his hands under the running water and squeal with happiness.  Farrah would sometimes splash him (or pour water on him with her shovel if my head was turned away) but he never seemed to mind.  He just loved the water.  
• He loved to be outside.  Whenever my parents babysat him they would say how fussy he would be when I left because he was such a mamas boy and they quickly learned the only cure for his fussiness was either a bottle or going outside.  He would look at the trees, grass, flowers, whatever and just instantly calm down.  It was his happy place.  
• He always seemed like he didn't want to miss something important.  He wasn't a very good sleeper.  At 11 months he was still waking up a couple times a night.  His naps were sporadic.  Sometimes he'd nap for 20 minutes, sometimes if I was lucky it would be an hour or two, sometimes he would just boycott them all together.  I'm happy now that he spent so much time awake.  I'd gladly give up sleep to have that time with him.  
• He knew how to be sneaky.  He used to crawl towards somewhere he wasn't supposed to go like the bathroom or my office and when I'd call his name he would turn back towards me and give me this big toothy smile and then take off crawling as fast as he could to see if he could make it before I picked him up.  I hope I never lose that image of him.  
• He hated having his diaper changed.  Not because of the actual diaper change but because he didn't like to lay still.  He would instantly flip over as soon as I laid him down.  I would have to resort to singing crazy songs, making animal noises or something equally crazy to distract him long enough for a quick diaper change.  Then I usually had to try to pull his pants back up as he was crawling away because any crazy faces I made only distracted him long enough to do the diaper part.  
• He quickly learned how to tell when we arrived at our destination in the car.  In the beginning, he hated the car.  As time went on he got better about being in the car but it still wasn't his favorite thing.  But he learned that when I turned off the car that we had arrived at our destination so if he was fussy, as soon as I turned off the car he would stop fussing and start kicking his legs with excitement.  When I would get out of the car and open the door to get him he would have the biggest smile on his face.  Not sure if he was excited to get out of the car or see me... I'll just say it was me :)
• He was such a peanut... especially at the beginning.  I could write a whole post about his weight issues, in fact I think I did :)  He was so teeny tiny which was funny because he was 8 lbs 1 oz when he was born so it's not like he was a preemie or anything.  We later learned that his weight gaining issues were from a fun Acid Reflux issue which made him spit up all the time.  Around 6 months when he was doing the army crawl I had to literally change him about 7 times a day because he was spit up his entire meal then drag himself right through it.  We seemed to get it in check the last few months and he was starting to chunk out.  Nowhere near the level of chubbiness that his sister was at that age but chunkier nonetheless. 
• He loved "chasing his sister."  He obviously wasn't even walking yet, much less chasing after her but he absolutely loved to be held by mommy or daddy and have us chase after his sister.  That brought out the deep belly laughs in him.  He had a special relationship with his sister.  They were best buds.  Here's a video of me chasing them.  For some reason my new phone has had an issue with the sound on the camera so there isn't much sound to the video.  Maybe it was meant to be that way.  You don't need to hear the video to know how excited he was to play this game.  I will miss those handful of moments when all 4 of us were together, not distracted by anything and just playing together.  

 

• He loved animals.  My poor pets.  Kellen would always crawl right over to them and grab them. 
   
  My friend Carla made this photo collage of Kellen and our dog Jimmy Choo. He was so fascinated by him.  Jimmy tolerated him the best he could but he learned to run away when the baby got too close.  Smart dog.  
• His favorite "game" was to crawl over to our tv stand and pull down each dvd one by one, stare at it for a moment, then throw it on the floor and continue on with the next one.  I always wondered what was going on in that little brain of his.  He had mastered his concentrating face.  You could tell he was a deep thinker.

It's hard to imagine after listing these that I could possibly ever forget them.  I'd like to think that at 80 years old I'll be telling my grandkids about all the funny things their uncle Kellen did.  I sure hope that's the case.  But for now, I'll still write things down, reflect on the joy he brought us and thank God for these precious memories I have of him.  

 

Awareness

Ever since Kellen passed, I've had a much higher sense of awareness.  Gone are the days of getting myself ready, getting into the car and doing my errands for the day without noticing everything around me. 
Yesterday we went to target. We pulled into the parking lot.  Normally this would be the time when I would strategize how to make this work with 2 kids.  Park next to the shopping cart stall so I can easily grab the cart, put the shopping cart cover over it, grab Farrah, put her in the cart, grab Kellen and put him in the cart.  Then on the way out I'd do the same shopping cart dance again in reverse.  None of that was necessary.  When we walked into Target it took all of 3 seconds for me to spot about 5 babies and then the pain in my chest started again.  Small babies in carseats in the carts, babies in strollers, Kellen-sized babies in baby bjorns... apparently I just entered a baby warehouse.  Not really, just Target on a Saturday, but things I never noticed before. 
Part of me just wants to walk up to everyone and tell them our story, and then part of my prays no one ever asks about it.  That lady joyfully pushing her newborn in the stroller up the diaper aisle?  I want to stop her and tell her how blessed she is.  That lady yelling out of frustration at her kid?  I want to stop and tell her how blessed she is. 
I found myself tearing up when I passed the baby toys. I never noticed how cute they are.  I always saw them as an annoyance for their loud songs and blinking lights.  And don't even get me started on the baby section.  I can't walk by it yet.  The clothes, diapers, formula, everything is too much for me. 
I'm much more aware of my daughter.  Every breath.  When I go in her room at night to turn off her light after she has fallen asleep I stand next to her and watch her breathe a few times before I leave.  I had a minor freak out the other day when I found out my husband had left Farrah alone in her room with carrots.  Seriously... carrots.  "What if she chokes and we can't hear her?"  He assured me that he'd go check on her and when he came back downstairs he said she was fine to which I replied "Are you sure?  Did you check to make sure she is breathing?" 
Seems funny now...wasn't then.  I imagine this feeling of awareness will stick with me.  Maybe it will wear off with time... maybe not.  I'm not sure that I want it to go away though.  Maybe I'd like to be able to make it past the diaper rash cream without bursting into tears, but I don't think I ever want to lose sight of how short life really is.  Maybe that's my takeaway from my outing to Target yesterday. 
Thank you friends for your unending support.  These past 2 weeks have restored my faith in humanity.  You have all been so good to us and we can't thank you enough. 

Things I'm annoyed by right now

I'm not going to lie, I'm having a down day today.  I'm sure after my last post being so heavy, it seems like I should get you all caught up on the last week and a half, but instead I need to vent.  I have had every emotion in the book today but overall I spent the majority of my day annoyed.  I've had a lot of people tell me how strong I am.  It sounds funny because I don't feel that way.  I've had a lot of bouts of crying in public over the past few days.  The littlest thing can put me over the edge.  So here's a list of things that have really been causing my blood pressure to rise... I mean don't be surprised if you see me on the news with the headline "Grieving mom goes crazy and slaps woman in a fit of road rage!"

Speaking of road rage... that leads me to my first gripe.  I have never been more irritated with drivers in my life.  All I can think when I see someone weaving in and out of lanes is "what is wrong with you?  You're putting someone else's life in danger because you  are running a few minutes late?"  Texting and driving?  You're an idiot!  Smoking in the car with your kids?  How dare you!  Life has become so much more precious to me that I can't stand seeing anyone doing anything that might cause harm to someone else.

My neighbor.  If you don't know the back story, our neighbors are quite possibly the loudest, most obnoxious people on the planet.  I had no idea people could scream so loudly about dinner being ready.  I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood now knows your dinner is ready.  But now, when I hear her yelling at her kids, all I want to do is march over there bang on her door and scream "How dare you!?  I would give anything to have my baby back and you're over here yelling at your kids over something so stupid?!"  If it continues, I just might.

Celebrities... the ridiculously wealthy ones.  I heard today that Taylor Swift is worth $105 million.  I almost became physically ill.  After my son passed, our family and friends rallied around to raise money for us to help with the funeral costs and I felt so unworthy of their help... who are we to deserve this kindness?  I knew we needed to use it for the funeral and other related costs but all I wanted to do was give it away to someone else that was more deserving.  Then I see Kim Kardashian's stupid face on a magazine and I think, what a waste.  I'm all for people working hard and enjoying the fruits of their labor, but at a certain point don't you think enough is enough?  So many problems would be solved if people were more willing to help others in need.  I just thought of another headline for me.... "Crazy lady rips up every  People Magazine in the Safeway Checkout Line!"  Could you really blame me though?

Random things.  Like really random things.  I was watching TV and a Target commercial came on.  It showed some lady getting her house ready for a Christmas party.  Cue the adorable place card holders, festive chargers and plates, matching mixing bowls and utensils.  I literally screamed at the TV "Who cares???"  I was so angry in that moment.  My son is gone and people care about their house looking just perfect for a party?  WHO CARES?!?!

And lastly, people feeling the need to babysit me.  I say this with as much love as possible, I don't need to be babysat right now.  I understand my emotional stay is very delicate right now, but I've had a lot of people second guessing every decision I make right now.  "Are you sure?"  "Are you really ready for that?"  I get it, people want to help.  But if I want to do something, let me try, and if I change my mind halfway through, you'll be the first to know.  I really do appreciate everyone's support, I just need to be able to start navigating this ship and not feel like everyone is second guessing my own judgement. 

It's starting to sink in that Kellen is not just on vacation.  I was looking at pictures and it occurred to me that the pictures I have of him are all the pictures I will ever have of him and my heart really started to hurt.  I haven't been able to find a comfortable place.  Don't know if I ever will.  When I'm home all day I get in a depressed mood because I'm just sitting around dwelling on it, but when I go out I get in an angry mood because everyone else is going on with their lives around me and all I want to do is yell at them.  "Don't you understand what just happened?  My world is crashing down around me and you are just pushing your shopping cart up and down the aisles like nothing's wrong!"

There are times I feel strong, I have to be for Farrah.  But as you probably guessed by now, most of the time I'm not.  I don't know when, if ever I will feel like the strong mama I was before.  For now I'll be kind to myself and give myself time to hopefully become less and less crazy with each day that passes. 

Time

Much time has passed since my last blog entry.  To be honest, I just wasn't inspired.  Yes, life has been crazy busy with 2 kids, but have I literally not had any time to write a blog post?  No.... just haven't felt like it.  I almost wrote something this past weekend but then got distracted by something.
And then came October 29th when my world came crashing down.  It was my sweet Kellen's "11 month birthday... just one month shy of his birthday celebration."  I had put him down the night before after a day of him being under the weather.  He had a cold like the rest of us and was sleepy most of the day.  I always hate seeing my babies sick.  Breaks my heart.  So I put him down for the night early around 6:30 or so.  Around 6:15 the next morning my alarm went off.  Seemed strange for him to sleep that long being that he slept so much the day before and he still, at 11 months was waking up 1-2 times per night.  I had a sinking feeling. I went in his room to check on him and it was still dark outside so I couldn't see very well.  But I couldn't hear him breathe.  I touched him.  He was cold.  I screamed and my husband rushed in and started CPR while I called 911.  The next few hours were all a blur.  Police, Ambulances, firefighters, detectives.  Tears.... lots and lots of tears.  My sweet baby boy Kellen has gone to be with God.  His time on this earth has ended.
Writing has always been so healing for me.  There are few things that have brought me any comfort over this past week.  Writing is one of them.  So while to some it may seem odd timing for me to decide to pick back up with this blog, for me time doesn't seem quite the same as it did before.  Who knows when our time on earth will end.  I'm emotionally drained and have cried more in this past week than I have in the rest of my life combined.  In the days and weeks to come I'm sure I'll have more to write about, but for today I'll end with this:  Hold your babies extra tight.  Let them where pajamas to school (I did that today with Farrah), let them stay awake a few extra minutes, wait to finish the laundry until they're asleep.  I would give absolutely anything to have 1 more minute with my little guy.  Anything.
Love you my sweet boy.  Until we meet again.