11 months here, 11 months gone

Exactly 11 months ago, on his 11 month birthday, Kellen passed away.  In a way I've been quietly dreading this day more than the upcoming 1 year anniversary.  There's a significance to this day that gives me an uneasy feeling.  Starting tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here. 
The 29th is going to be an interesting day these next few months.  This month is the 11 months here/11 months gone day, next month is the 1 year anniversary, and the following month would be his 2nd birthday.  My greatest fear about today is that now that he's been gone longer than he was here, I'll be expected to move on.  That this time that has passed somehow erases the time he was here.  I can't speak for all grieving parents, but I feel strongly that part of the battle I go through is between wanting so badly to "feel normal" again and "move on" but being sickened by the idea of the possibility that I could ever move on.  There is no moving on. 
So 11 months later, I think I'll spend this day remembering the 11 months I had with him.  Our new house has little touches of him that make us smile.  His star map given to us by a dear friend that had a star named after him.

 Our joy sign to remind us of the joy he brought us.  Joy upon joy upon joy.

 And my jewelry box with his picture on it given to me by a family member that I see every morning when I get ready.  He was a true mama's boy. 

Life is unpredictable friends.  11 months from now your life could be completely different than it is now.  Enjoy the time you have with the people you love.  Whether you're at work or at home, be in the moment.  Your life deserves your attention. 

Prepping for baby Evan

We have about 3 1/2 weeks until Evan's expected arrival.  Dare I say I am so ready?  I'm feeling huge.... like giant status.  These past few days have been a little better because I can tell he's dropped a little.  Not so high up in my ribs.  When you sound out of breath putting on your shoes, that's a problem. 

 

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Everything looks great!  Heartbeat is good, his head is down  and measuring right on schedule.  Now we wait.
I can't wait to see what he looks like.  I think it will feel more real when I can see his face.  I wonder if he will look like his sister, his brother, or his own little self.  Farrah definitely has the darker features from her daddy's side and Kellen had some of the lighter features from both of us. 
I am pretty nervous.  I have no idea what emotions will surface during the delivery and adjusting to life going from 1 to 2 kids at home again.  I hate to say it but I got used to being a mom of 1 again.  1 person to give all my attention to.  Now I'll have 2 to devote my time to.  It's a strange yet familiar feeling. 
I keep referring to Evan as Kellen by accident.  In fact when I first wrote the title of this blog I wrote Kellen by accident instead of Evan.  Abe does the same thing.  I'm sure once he's here and I can see him, my brain will start working again.  At least I hope.  I want him to be his own person.  I don't want him to be his brother's replacement.  He deserves his own story.  He is a gift from God. And like the meaning of his name says, "God is good." 
Evan's room is pretty much ready for him, we've got the diapers, the itty bitty clothes, and all the things that make you say "oooh... ahhhh" at a baby shower.  We're as ready as we can be here in the house, we'll just have to take it one day at a time once you come home with us. 
Farrah couldn't be more excited.  I'm looking forward to seeing her make the face again she used to make when she was around Kellen.  This look of pure joy that you can't possibly contain when you want to squeeze a cute baby but restrain yourself.  That's the best way I can describe that face. 
Lots to look forward to in our house.  We have a lot of people rooting for us.  We couldn't possibly be more grateful.  Just don't be offended when I bathe you in hand sanitizer when you come to visit after he comes.  This chick is a paranoid 3rd time mama. :)

Twice the grief

I was driving the other day down the country road that leads to our new house.  I've found this time I've been spending driving down this road has been filled with thoughts about Kellen, thoughts about life now, and pretty much any deep thinking I do. 
On this particular day I started thinking about everyone else that Kellen's death has effected.  There have been many people that have told me how much Kellen's death has impacted them. I am forever grateful for the number of lives he touched.  But on this day I was thinking of the lives he impacted while he was still here.... close friends and family. 
Someone suggested a book to me entitled "Grandparents cry twice: Help for bereaved grandparents."  While I haven't read it yet, I understand the concept, and on this particular drive on this particular day it got my mind racing.  How difficult is must be for my parents and Abe's parents.  They are grieving the loss of their grandson, and at the same time they are grieving for us.  As parents all we want to do is protect our kids from harm.  Heck there are times I'm at the playground with Farrah and some random kid won't give her a turn on the swing and it tugs at my heartstrings.  I can't imagine watching your children suffer such deep pain knowing there's nothing you can do.  They certainly don't get the kind of attention they deserve in this process.  In typical parent fashion, their pain takes a back seat to ours. 
And then there's the aunts and the uncles.  The ones who got to spoil him, play with him, love him, and give him back to his parents at the end of the day.  They knew only the fun, the love and the joy and then they get the crushing blow when they got the call that day.  I'm sure they longed for more time with him, as we all did.  I'm sure they try to make sense of it all, as we all do.  They experience the same sadness, anger and confusion we all do. 
Of course, we have our friends.  The ones who love our kids as if they're their own.  And now he's gone and not only do they grieve his loss, but they're left with different friends.  I'm not naïve to think Abe and I are the same friends we were before this happened.  Abe and I took vows, for better or worse.  Our friends don't have to love us through it.  There are still days when I'm in a mood and can't bear much of anything, and I wouldn't fault them for being over it.  But they somehow seem to understand.  They're still there despite it all. 
Miss Farrah has not forgotten either.  I'm happy in a sense, because I never want her to forget her brother, but I hate to see her hurting in any way.  Because of her age, I think people brush her grief aside.  But she has real feelings and real hurt.  She asked her teacher at school the other day if they could write a note to Kellen in heaven so they did.  She likes to draw pictures of him.  And sometimes, if she's in a silly mood, she will pretend like he's here playing with her. 
I have not forgotten that you all played a huge part of his life and I imagine his death has effected you more than others think.  Thank you for loving us through this.  Kellen was so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.