Have you done it yet? Have you made your new year's resolutions? I love the idea of self improvement. I probably singlehandedly keep the self help book industry afloat. I just love the idea of constantly bettering myself.
But this year will be a little different for me. If 2013 was the worst year of my life, then I would say 2014 was the hardest year of my life. Time forces you to move on after the death of a child. It doesn't matter if you're ready, life goes on, the world keeps moving, and no matter how much you want to just stay right where you're at, you can't.
I had a moment yesterday that made me think about my self improvement attitude. It came when I asked Farrah why she had a band aid on her knee, to which she responded "I fell and hurt myself but it's ok, I'm fine, I got back up. That's what happens when you get older Evan, you get hurt, but you get back up."
It's something we all teach our kids, right? You fall and you get back up. A noble message. But what about when something happens to them, that knocks the wind out of them? That completely turns their world upside down? I want my kids to know, it's ok to stay down for a while. I realized in that moment, I never explained to Farrah that she doesn't have to pop back up instantly all the time.
A few weeks ago, if you would have asked Farrah what she wanted for Christmas, she would have told you all she wants is her brother back. Let that soak in for a moment. As most people were out lining up weeks before black Friday to score a deal on a TV or an iPad, or fighting over a waffle iron at Walmart, my little girl was asking for something no one can give her. She hasn't popped back up yet.
My anxiety about the safety of my family is still just as strong now as it was the day after Kellen passed. I haven't popped back up yet. Some things are laughable, I'm sure. Even I can have a sense of humor about it. The other day Farrah got her first loose tooth (I know, I had to do a double take when I saw it because I can't believe she's old enough for that). After seeing it, my first thought was "what if it falls out in the middle of the night and she chokes on it?" Seems kind of far fetched but that's where my mind goes now. I haven't popped back up yet. Making sure my children are breathing is on my mind ALL.DAY.LONG. I'm not exaggerating with this one. I think about it all the time. There is no logical reason why a perfectly healthy kid, who falls asleep in the car would stop breathing, but there have been multiple times that I actually pulled the car over, got out of the car and ran around to their seats to poke them to make sure they were still breathing.
I'm don't think I'll ever pop back up from this one, and I'm not sure that I even want to. So for those of you that have been through the wringer this year, you may be happy that 2015 is on the horizon, as am I. Just remember to take the time you need. There are times when you should dust yourself off and move forward. And then there are times when it's ok to give yourself permission to stay down for a while.
Happy New Year, my friends! I sincerely mean that. I wish you a new year of comfort. Whatever that is for you.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Grumpy Mommy
Hi friends..... we're friends, right? So I can be real on here. It has been a rough few days. It is possible for all of my real life friends that all they're going to be seeing of the Naldjian family over the next year will be on facebook and on this blog. You see, according to the vast internet research my husband did, and the cliffnotes version he gave me (which basically makes me an expert), we have a colicky baby on our hands. This is new territory for me. I had milk supply issues with Farrah, Acid reflux issues with Kellen, and now colic issues with Evan. I remember when I was pregnant, sitting under the hair dryer at my salon doing a little light reading in US magazine about Kristin Cavallari (don't judge... remember we're friends) and she said her son never stopped crying the entire first year and I thought "Wow, that sucks but she must be doing something wrong. No baby cries all the time for no reason." False!
Evenings are the worst. From about 4pm to midnight every night if he's not asleep (which during this time frame he may take a couple of 10 minute naps at most), or he doesn't have a boob in his mouth, he's crying. We've resorted to putting him in the baby carrier and turning on the blow dryer to get him to fall asleep and today while I was gone, Abe had to put him in the swing and turn on the vacuum just to get him to calm down.
But that's not what has me grumpy. Well maybe just a little grumpy, but even more than that is that all of my internet research tells me I need to get rid of dairy from my diet to help his colic. No dairy? Come again?! Dairy is the one and only reason I could never be a vegan. I could care less about meat, but cheese? Ice cream? Delicious, overpriced coffee beverages? That is not ok in my book. Do you know how many things contain dairy products? Pretty much everything... I checked.
You know what doesn't have dairy in it though? Wine. So I bought some at the store today. I may be partaking in a glass tonight. I invite you all to drink a hard alcoholic beverage tonight in our honor. Remember, I'll have a baby attached to me all night so 1 glass of wine is all this mom can have.
And now my baby has woken up from a 10 minute nap. Until our next social media rendevoux my friends....
Evenings are the worst. From about 4pm to midnight every night if he's not asleep (which during this time frame he may take a couple of 10 minute naps at most), or he doesn't have a boob in his mouth, he's crying. We've resorted to putting him in the baby carrier and turning on the blow dryer to get him to fall asleep and today while I was gone, Abe had to put him in the swing and turn on the vacuum just to get him to calm down.
But that's not what has me grumpy. Well maybe just a little grumpy, but even more than that is that all of my internet research tells me I need to get rid of dairy from my diet to help his colic. No dairy? Come again?! Dairy is the one and only reason I could never be a vegan. I could care less about meat, but cheese? Ice cream? Delicious, overpriced coffee beverages? That is not ok in my book. Do you know how many things contain dairy products? Pretty much everything... I checked.
You know what doesn't have dairy in it though? Wine. So I bought some at the store today. I may be partaking in a glass tonight. I invite you all to drink a hard alcoholic beverage tonight in our honor. Remember, I'll have a baby attached to me all night so 1 glass of wine is all this mom can have.
And now my baby has woken up from a 10 minute nap. Until our next social media rendevoux my friends....
Friday, November 7, 2014
(Almost) 3 weeks of Evan
Sleepless nights, endless feedings (both the baby and me), baby talk, no clue why he's crying.... ahh yes... it's all coming back to me. Life with a newborn again has been crazy but fun. I have completely fallen in love with a little guy who couldn't pick me out of a line up at this point and I'm completely ok with that.
The delivery was very emotional as you probably could have guessed. I'm much more aware of the preciousness of life and how something could easily go wrong. I was worried about the baby and myself. But we're just fine. The nurses and doctors were all so wonderfully understanding of our circumstances. And when they placed him on my chest for the first time and I said "he looks like Kellen," I'm pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the room.
And then came the time to leave the hospital and take this perfect little person home with us. I've always tried to be very honest on this blog so I'm not afraid to admit that the first week was very hard. And not the typical things new parents complain about, lack of sleep, needing a break, etc. But it was very difficult for me because I was so worried and anxious about him. Neither Abe or I was comfortable with him sleeping without one of us watching him so we took turns in the middle of the night being awake while he slept and we just watched him. I knew going into this that that would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult. A couple nights in I was watching him sleep, swaddled up tight when his arms escaped out the top and the swaddle blanket came up over his face. I jumped up to move it out of his face and he went back to sleep. I sat there and sobbed. Postpartum hormones are no joke but add anxiety over the safety of your child to that and it will take it's toll. So that was the end of the swaddle blankets.
Thankfully the anxiety has subsided a bit (definitely not all the way but a bit). We have a monitor attached to him when he sleeps that gives us peace of mind but also freaks us out if it goes off as a false alarm. Needless to say when we are sleeping, we sleep very lightly and constantly wake up to check him. Abe and I have many middle of the night "speed dates" when I wake up to poke the baby and make sure he's breathing and I see Abe is awake and doing the same thing.
And then there's the love. As any mom will explain, I have no favorite child. I love all my children equally and each time I have another one, my heart somehow creates enough space for each of them to have 100% of my heart. Just trust me on the math. But when I think about the love I have for Evan, it is different than anything I've experienced before. I have a healthy obsession with this little guy. I want to stare at him all day long. There is something amazing that he has done to help heal my heart when it seemed that nothing in the world could possibly help repair what I had lost. I don't want him to feel the burden of being the "savior child." I don't want him to feel like his only purpose on earth was to make his mom and dad feel better. But I will say that he has done for us what nothing else possibly could. I now fully understand the value of life and I will have a deeper love for this little guy than I ever could have imagined all thanks to his big brother. I realize how lucky we are to have him and that our tomorrows aren't promised. We are soaking up every moment with him. Even the 2am wake up call... and the 3am wake up call... and the 4am wake up call :)
Baby faces, baby snuggles, unconditional love.... ahh yes... it's all coming back to me.
The delivery was very emotional as you probably could have guessed. I'm much more aware of the preciousness of life and how something could easily go wrong. I was worried about the baby and myself. But we're just fine. The nurses and doctors were all so wonderfully understanding of our circumstances. And when they placed him on my chest for the first time and I said "he looks like Kellen," I'm pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the room.
And then came the time to leave the hospital and take this perfect little person home with us. I've always tried to be very honest on this blog so I'm not afraid to admit that the first week was very hard. And not the typical things new parents complain about, lack of sleep, needing a break, etc. But it was very difficult for me because I was so worried and anxious about him. Neither Abe or I was comfortable with him sleeping without one of us watching him so we took turns in the middle of the night being awake while he slept and we just watched him. I knew going into this that that would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult. A couple nights in I was watching him sleep, swaddled up tight when his arms escaped out the top and the swaddle blanket came up over his face. I jumped up to move it out of his face and he went back to sleep. I sat there and sobbed. Postpartum hormones are no joke but add anxiety over the safety of your child to that and it will take it's toll. So that was the end of the swaddle blankets.
Thankfully the anxiety has subsided a bit (definitely not all the way but a bit). We have a monitor attached to him when he sleeps that gives us peace of mind but also freaks us out if it goes off as a false alarm. Needless to say when we are sleeping, we sleep very lightly and constantly wake up to check him. Abe and I have many middle of the night "speed dates" when I wake up to poke the baby and make sure he's breathing and I see Abe is awake and doing the same thing.
Baby faces, baby snuggles, unconditional love.... ahh yes... it's all coming back to me.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
1 year later
I realize I haven't updated my blog in a while. There's a lot to share with Mr. Evan's arrival but today, for me, is about Kellen. Exactly one year ago I woke up to every parent's worst nightmare. I'd love to say that day was a blur, but I remember every detail of that day and could probably give you a minute by minute account of all the details if you ask. To this day I still can't set my alarm for 6:15 am because that's the time that my alarm went off that morning and I panicked realizing he hadn't woken up for his feeding in the middle of the night.
We have survived. Most people would have understood if we crawled into a hole and just existed the rest of our lives. But we have chosen to live and I'm pretty damn proud of us. I struggle with the message we give that you could possibly lose a child and still live a full life. But I know that choosing joy in our lives will never take away the pain of losing a piece of our hearts.
When I was recovering in the hospital after having Evan, they sent a social worker into my room to chat with me. I knew it was coming. I'm sure my file has all kinds of red flags in it. She said the Doctor's wanted her to talk to me because they were concerned I may not have had enough time to grieve before having another baby. While the intentions were genuine, I shook my head thinking there is no expiration on grief. I will forever grieve the loss of my son. No amount of time will pass where I'll feel better and be ready to be done with this grief thing. However, I heard a song on the radio that put words around how I'm feeling now. It's by Danny Gokey and as I drove in my car I listened to the words of the song and stared at the new sleeping baby in the rear view mirror and the tears would not stop coming.
"I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end.
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind.
I've seen the dark and the broken places.
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright.
That I thought would never end.
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind.
I've seen the dark and the broken places.
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright.
There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.
There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find.
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind.
You finally find.
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind.
You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining.
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright.
There's a big sun shining.
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright.
There's hope in front of me.
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me.
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me.
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.
There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night,
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side.
I can feel it rising through the night,
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side.
You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I've got to believe.
I still have hope.
You are my hope."
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I've got to believe.
I still have hope.
You are my hope."
I love you my sweet Kellen. 1 year later.... forever more. Until we meet again.
Monday, September 29, 2014
11 months here, 11 months gone
Exactly 11 months ago, on his 11 month birthday, Kellen passed away. In a way I've been quietly dreading this day more than the upcoming 1 year anniversary. There's a significance to this day that gives me an uneasy feeling. Starting tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here.
The 29th is going to be an interesting day these next few months. This month is the 11 months here/11 months gone day, next month is the 1 year anniversary, and the following month would be his 2nd birthday. My greatest fear about today is that now that he's been gone longer than he was here, I'll be expected to move on. That this time that has passed somehow erases the time he was here. I can't speak for all grieving parents, but I feel strongly that part of the battle I go through is between wanting so badly to "feel normal" again and "move on" but being sickened by the idea of the possibility that I could ever move on. There is no moving on.
So 11 months later, I think I'll spend this day remembering the 11 months I had with him. Our new house has little touches of him that make us smile. His star map given to us by a dear friend that had a star named after him.
Our joy sign to remind us of the joy he brought us. Joy upon joy upon joy.
And my jewelry box with his picture on it given to me by a family member that I see every morning when I get ready. He was a true mama's boy.
Life is unpredictable friends. 11 months from now your life could be completely different than it is now. Enjoy the time you have with the people you love. Whether you're at work or at home, be in the moment. Your life deserves your attention.
The 29th is going to be an interesting day these next few months. This month is the 11 months here/11 months gone day, next month is the 1 year anniversary, and the following month would be his 2nd birthday. My greatest fear about today is that now that he's been gone longer than he was here, I'll be expected to move on. That this time that has passed somehow erases the time he was here. I can't speak for all grieving parents, but I feel strongly that part of the battle I go through is between wanting so badly to "feel normal" again and "move on" but being sickened by the idea of the possibility that I could ever move on. There is no moving on.
So 11 months later, I think I'll spend this day remembering the 11 months I had with him. Our new house has little touches of him that make us smile. His star map given to us by a dear friend that had a star named after him.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Prepping for baby Evan
We have about 3 1/2 weeks until Evan's expected arrival. Dare I say I am so ready? I'm feeling huge.... like giant status. These past few days have been a little better because I can tell he's dropped a little. Not so high up in my ribs. When you sound out of breath putting on your shoes, that's a problem.
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Everything looks great! Heartbeat is good, his head is down and measuring right on schedule. Now we wait.
I can't wait to see what he looks like. I think it will feel more real when I can see his face. I wonder if he will look like his sister, his brother, or his own little self. Farrah definitely has the darker features from her daddy's side and Kellen had some of the lighter features from both of us.
I am pretty nervous. I have no idea what emotions will surface during the delivery and adjusting to life going from 1 to 2 kids at home again. I hate to say it but I got used to being a mom of 1 again. 1 person to give all my attention to. Now I'll have 2 to devote my time to. It's a strange yet familiar feeling.
I keep referring to Evan as Kellen by accident. In fact when I first wrote the title of this blog I wrote Kellen by accident instead of Evan. Abe does the same thing. I'm sure once he's here and I can see him, my brain will start working again. At least I hope. I want him to be his own person. I don't want him to be his brother's replacement. He deserves his own story. He is a gift from God. And like the meaning of his name says, "God is good."
Evan's room is pretty much ready for him, we've got the diapers, the itty bitty clothes, and all the things that make you say "oooh... ahhhh" at a baby shower. We're as ready as we can be here in the house, we'll just have to take it one day at a time once you come home with us.
Farrah couldn't be more excited. I'm looking forward to seeing her make the face again she used to make when she was around Kellen. This look of pure joy that you can't possibly contain when you want to squeeze a cute baby but restrain yourself. That's the best way I can describe that face.
Lots to look forward to in our house. We have a lot of people rooting for us. We couldn't possibly be more grateful. Just don't be offended when I bathe you in hand sanitizer when you come to visit after he comes. This chick is a paranoid 3rd time mama. :)
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Everything looks great! Heartbeat is good, his head is down and measuring right on schedule. Now we wait.
I can't wait to see what he looks like. I think it will feel more real when I can see his face. I wonder if he will look like his sister, his brother, or his own little self. Farrah definitely has the darker features from her daddy's side and Kellen had some of the lighter features from both of us.
I am pretty nervous. I have no idea what emotions will surface during the delivery and adjusting to life going from 1 to 2 kids at home again. I hate to say it but I got used to being a mom of 1 again. 1 person to give all my attention to. Now I'll have 2 to devote my time to. It's a strange yet familiar feeling.
I keep referring to Evan as Kellen by accident. In fact when I first wrote the title of this blog I wrote Kellen by accident instead of Evan. Abe does the same thing. I'm sure once he's here and I can see him, my brain will start working again. At least I hope. I want him to be his own person. I don't want him to be his brother's replacement. He deserves his own story. He is a gift from God. And like the meaning of his name says, "God is good."
Evan's room is pretty much ready for him, we've got the diapers, the itty bitty clothes, and all the things that make you say "oooh... ahhhh" at a baby shower. We're as ready as we can be here in the house, we'll just have to take it one day at a time once you come home with us.
Farrah couldn't be more excited. I'm looking forward to seeing her make the face again she used to make when she was around Kellen. This look of pure joy that you can't possibly contain when you want to squeeze a cute baby but restrain yourself. That's the best way I can describe that face.
Lots to look forward to in our house. We have a lot of people rooting for us. We couldn't possibly be more grateful. Just don't be offended when I bathe you in hand sanitizer when you come to visit after he comes. This chick is a paranoid 3rd time mama. :)
Monday, September 15, 2014
Twice the grief
I was driving the other day down the country road that leads to our new house. I've found this time I've been spending driving down this road has been filled with thoughts about Kellen, thoughts about life now, and pretty much any deep thinking I do.
On this particular day I started thinking about everyone else that Kellen's death has effected. There have been many people that have told me how much Kellen's death has impacted them. I am forever grateful for the number of lives he touched. But on this day I was thinking of the lives he impacted while he was still here.... close friends and family.
Someone suggested a book to me entitled "Grandparents cry twice: Help for bereaved grandparents." While I haven't read it yet, I understand the concept, and on this particular drive on this particular day it got my mind racing. How difficult is must be for my parents and Abe's parents. They are grieving the loss of their grandson, and at the same time they are grieving for us. As parents all we want to do is protect our kids from harm. Heck there are times I'm at the playground with Farrah and some random kid won't give her a turn on the swing and it tugs at my heartstrings. I can't imagine watching your children suffer such deep pain knowing there's nothing you can do. They certainly don't get the kind of attention they deserve in this process. In typical parent fashion, their pain takes a back seat to ours.
And then there's the aunts and the uncles. The ones who got to spoil him, play with him, love him, and give him back to his parents at the end of the day. They knew only the fun, the love and the joy and then they get the crushing blow when they got the call that day. I'm sure they longed for more time with him, as we all did. I'm sure they try to make sense of it all, as we all do. They experience the same sadness, anger and confusion we all do.
Of course, we have our friends. The ones who love our kids as if they're their own. And now he's gone and not only do they grieve his loss, but they're left with different friends. I'm not naïve to think Abe and I are the same friends we were before this happened. Abe and I took vows, for better or worse. Our friends don't have to love us through it. There are still days when I'm in a mood and can't bear much of anything, and I wouldn't fault them for being over it. But they somehow seem to understand. They're still there despite it all.
Miss Farrah has not forgotten either. I'm happy in a sense, because I never want her to forget her brother, but I hate to see her hurting in any way. Because of her age, I think people brush her grief aside. But she has real feelings and real hurt. She asked her teacher at school the other day if they could write a note to Kellen in heaven so they did. She likes to draw pictures of him. And sometimes, if she's in a silly mood, she will pretend like he's here playing with her.
I have not forgotten that you all played a huge part of his life and I imagine his death has effected you more than others think. Thank you for loving us through this. Kellen was so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.
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On this particular day I started thinking about everyone else that Kellen's death has effected. There have been many people that have told me how much Kellen's death has impacted them. I am forever grateful for the number of lives he touched. But on this day I was thinking of the lives he impacted while he was still here.... close friends and family.
Someone suggested a book to me entitled "Grandparents cry twice: Help for bereaved grandparents." While I haven't read it yet, I understand the concept, and on this particular drive on this particular day it got my mind racing. How difficult is must be for my parents and Abe's parents. They are grieving the loss of their grandson, and at the same time they are grieving for us. As parents all we want to do is protect our kids from harm. Heck there are times I'm at the playground with Farrah and some random kid won't give her a turn on the swing and it tugs at my heartstrings. I can't imagine watching your children suffer such deep pain knowing there's nothing you can do. They certainly don't get the kind of attention they deserve in this process. In typical parent fashion, their pain takes a back seat to ours.
And then there's the aunts and the uncles. The ones who got to spoil him, play with him, love him, and give him back to his parents at the end of the day. They knew only the fun, the love and the joy and then they get the crushing blow when they got the call that day. I'm sure they longed for more time with him, as we all did. I'm sure they try to make sense of it all, as we all do. They experience the same sadness, anger and confusion we all do.
Of course, we have our friends. The ones who love our kids as if they're their own. And now he's gone and not only do they grieve his loss, but they're left with different friends. I'm not naïve to think Abe and I are the same friends we were before this happened. Abe and I took vows, for better or worse. Our friends don't have to love us through it. There are still days when I'm in a mood and can't bear much of anything, and I wouldn't fault them for being over it. But they somehow seem to understand. They're still there despite it all.
Miss Farrah has not forgotten either. I'm happy in a sense, because I never want her to forget her brother, but I hate to see her hurting in any way. Because of her age, I think people brush her grief aside. But she has real feelings and real hurt. She asked her teacher at school the other day if they could write a note to Kellen in heaven so they did. She likes to draw pictures of him. And sometimes, if she's in a silly mood, she will pretend like he's here playing with her.
I have not forgotten that you all played a huge part of his life and I imagine his death has effected you more than others think. Thank you for loving us through this. Kellen was so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Vows
This past weekend we attended my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding in the Napa Valley in the middle of a vineyard. As we sat listening to the happy couple recite their vows, surrounded by millions of grapes and lots of couples who had recited similar vows on their own special days, I couldn't help but squeeze Abe's hand just a little tighter. We've all heard that we're supposed to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and so on and so forth. I wonder what most people think of when they get to that part. I'll be the first to admit that I was pretty naïve when I thought about what obstacles we may have to overcome. I expected the standard financial struggles, job changes and moves. We're good people. I guess I didn't think about really bad things happening. Those types of things don't happen to people like us.
We woke up in the middle of the night when the big earthquake hit. Our hotel room was shaking all around but thankfully there was no damage. We went back to sleep and woke up the next morning to learn of some of the devastating damage in many parts of Napa. Some people lost their homes and everything in it. Others were critically injured. For better or for worse. Vows put to the test.
I hope that we've had to deal with the worst of it. But I also know we're only barely 30 and hopefully have a lot of life left. Our vows have certainly been tested. Not just the grief of losing a child, but both of our post traumatic stress demons we carry after finding our son the way we did. I wouldn't blame him for taking it out on me and I'm sure he wouldn't either. But we're coming up on a year since it happened and, so far, I can say we have loved each other for worse... there hasn't been much better.
Our son Evan will be here in less than 2 months and we'll embark on the stressful journey of a newborn. In my previous life, I categorized that under the "for worse" part of marriage. Lack of sleep, crying (mostly the baby but sometimes me when I don't get sleep), and the tendency to snap at your partner. But in my new life I'm considering this to be a "for better" part. I'll just squeeze Abe's hand a little tighter and keep on going, for better or for worse.
We woke up in the middle of the night when the big earthquake hit. Our hotel room was shaking all around but thankfully there was no damage. We went back to sleep and woke up the next morning to learn of some of the devastating damage in many parts of Napa. Some people lost their homes and everything in it. Others were critically injured. For better or for worse. Vows put to the test.
I hope that we've had to deal with the worst of it. But I also know we're only barely 30 and hopefully have a lot of life left. Our vows have certainly been tested. Not just the grief of losing a child, but both of our post traumatic stress demons we carry after finding our son the way we did. I wouldn't blame him for taking it out on me and I'm sure he wouldn't either. But we're coming up on a year since it happened and, so far, I can say we have loved each other for worse... there hasn't been much better.
Our son Evan will be here in less than 2 months and we'll embark on the stressful journey of a newborn. In my previous life, I categorized that under the "for worse" part of marriage. Lack of sleep, crying (mostly the baby but sometimes me when I don't get sleep), and the tendency to snap at your partner. But in my new life I'm considering this to be a "for better" part. I'll just squeeze Abe's hand a little tighter and keep on going, for better or for worse.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Selfishness
It feels good to be writing again! It sounds silly because of all of the things going on in the world but we've been living without internet for the past several weeks and it stinks! Who knew how much we rely on it, especially working from home?!
We're finally getting settled in our new home. It's taking some adjustment to get used to the new set up, the new neighborhood and all that comes along with it but it's starting to feel like home.
We still don't have blinds up because it's a brand new house so I tend to wake up early when the sun comes up. The other night, or morning I suppose, I laid in bed as the sun was rising and I was thinking about the choices we've made in the aftermath of October 29th, and I was proud to say, we've been a bit selfish. I'm sure many people haven't understood some of the choices we've made. Some have been quiet if they didn't agree and some have raised some eyebrows. I will never feel the need to justify our choices to anyone. So when I get the raised eyebrows I smile and bite my tongue. I could go on an on explaining it away but what's the point? Not many people have had to walk our path, and I hope they never have to.
Was it hard for us to leave a home so close to our best friends in the world? Absolutely! Was it hard for Abe to walk away from a good paying job to be home? Yes, and no :). Is it hard for me to turn down playdates from time to time knowing that I'm taking my business in a new direction so I need to focus on growing it? Definitely! Do we have mixed feelings about having another baby so quickly? Of course! We're happy and we're sad. Don't know that waiting any longer would have changed those emotions. We are different people now. Our priorities have shifted. For however long it takes we need to be selfish right now. My sole focus is my family. Maybe that makes me a bad friend... I hope not. I hope others understand. We have the opportunity now for us to live the life we dreamed before Kellen passed. And quite frankly, I'm mad I didn't try to make it happen sooner. Kellen is my example that life is precious and sometimes, way too short.
I have been known to be a people pleaser in the past. I just love to keep the peace and see people happy. But I have to say, it feels good to be selfish every once in a while. You should try it sometime!
We're finally getting settled in our new home. It's taking some adjustment to get used to the new set up, the new neighborhood and all that comes along with it but it's starting to feel like home.
We still don't have blinds up because it's a brand new house so I tend to wake up early when the sun comes up. The other night, or morning I suppose, I laid in bed as the sun was rising and I was thinking about the choices we've made in the aftermath of October 29th, and I was proud to say, we've been a bit selfish. I'm sure many people haven't understood some of the choices we've made. Some have been quiet if they didn't agree and some have raised some eyebrows. I will never feel the need to justify our choices to anyone. So when I get the raised eyebrows I smile and bite my tongue. I could go on an on explaining it away but what's the point? Not many people have had to walk our path, and I hope they never have to.
Was it hard for us to leave a home so close to our best friends in the world? Absolutely! Was it hard for Abe to walk away from a good paying job to be home? Yes, and no :). Is it hard for me to turn down playdates from time to time knowing that I'm taking my business in a new direction so I need to focus on growing it? Definitely! Do we have mixed feelings about having another baby so quickly? Of course! We're happy and we're sad. Don't know that waiting any longer would have changed those emotions. We are different people now. Our priorities have shifted. For however long it takes we need to be selfish right now. My sole focus is my family. Maybe that makes me a bad friend... I hope not. I hope others understand. We have the opportunity now for us to live the life we dreamed before Kellen passed. And quite frankly, I'm mad I didn't try to make it happen sooner. Kellen is my example that life is precious and sometimes, way too short.
I have been known to be a people pleaser in the past. I just love to keep the peace and see people happy. But I have to say, it feels good to be selfish every once in a while. You should try it sometime!
This one's for you little man! Living our lives to the fullest since yours was cut short.
Monday, July 21, 2014
My grown up girl
My Dear Farrah,
This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will. As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big. This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?" 5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl. I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives. I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body. One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid.
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you. You force me to see things differently. I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Yesterday you had an "off" day. While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from. As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time. You saw my tears and asked if I was sad. I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad. I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven. He just wanted to see what it was like there before us. And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there. That's what I think when I'm sad mom." How wise you are my sweet girl.
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family. But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy. You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister.
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer. Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up. Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?" I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad. I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions.
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have. Everyone who knows you sees it. You are a very special girl.
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy
This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will. As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big. This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?" 5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl. I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives. I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body. One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid.
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you. You force me to see things differently. I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Yesterday you had an "off" day. While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from. As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time. You saw my tears and asked if I was sad. I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad. I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven. He just wanted to see what it was like there before us. And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there. That's what I think when I'm sad mom." How wise you are my sweet girl.
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family. But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy. You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister.
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer. Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up. Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?" I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad. I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions.
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have. Everyone who knows you sees it. You are a very special girl.
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Dirty 30
30 something.... not sure I'm used to the sound of that yet. This past weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday. Very different from my 29th birthday celebration. As you can probably tell from the differences between my surprise 29th birthday party pictures...
...and my 30th birthday picture
This year I had to turn down for the sake of my 26 week baby bump. What a difference a year makes.
I had plans for what I wanted to see happen by the time I turned 30. If you know me, you've probably experienced my control freakishness. I always knew I wanted to be a young mom. Not Guinness Book of World Records young or anything, but I figured I would be done having kids by the time I turned 30.
Last night as I was sitting on my couch, staring at our blank walls and packed boxes getting ready for our move I thought about the magnitude of October 29th, 2013. It isn't just an event that we live with, but an event that has changed the course of our lives. You may have heard me talk about the difficulties we had with Kellen during my pregnancy and his 11 months. I won't lie, they were enough for us to decide that we were probably done having kids even though we had always thought we'd have at least 3. Not long after Kellen left us, I knew I wanted to have more kids. We needed it as part of our healing process and Farrah desperately wanted to be a big sister again. It was right for us. So here I am, expecting baby number 3 past my 30 year old cut off. Life has a way of changing your well-designed plans.
Since October 29th, Abe has left his full time sometimes 60-80 hr a week job and now is a domestic dad that works part time when he chooses to take shifts to do what he loves by giving a bride and groom the ultimate dance party on their big day. And now, we're on the move. It's something we always knew would come eventually but the idea of bringing a new baby home to this house, in his room, with his memories became too much and we have decided to move on and make new memories in a new house.
My twenties were very good to me. Love, marriage, houses, careers, babies and a lot of laughter. But I will raise a glass of apple cider in hopes that my thirties are even better. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I now know I certainly can't plan everything, but I can still have hope.
...and my 30th birthday picture
I had plans for what I wanted to see happen by the time I turned 30. If you know me, you've probably experienced my control freakishness. I always knew I wanted to be a young mom. Not Guinness Book of World Records young or anything, but I figured I would be done having kids by the time I turned 30.
Last night as I was sitting on my couch, staring at our blank walls and packed boxes getting ready for our move I thought about the magnitude of October 29th, 2013. It isn't just an event that we live with, but an event that has changed the course of our lives. You may have heard me talk about the difficulties we had with Kellen during my pregnancy and his 11 months. I won't lie, they were enough for us to decide that we were probably done having kids even though we had always thought we'd have at least 3. Not long after Kellen left us, I knew I wanted to have more kids. We needed it as part of our healing process and Farrah desperately wanted to be a big sister again. It was right for us. So here I am, expecting baby number 3 past my 30 year old cut off. Life has a way of changing your well-designed plans.
Since October 29th, Abe has left his full time sometimes 60-80 hr a week job and now is a domestic dad that works part time when he chooses to take shifts to do what he loves by giving a bride and groom the ultimate dance party on their big day. And now, we're on the move. It's something we always knew would come eventually but the idea of bringing a new baby home to this house, in his room, with his memories became too much and we have decided to move on and make new memories in a new house.
My twenties were very good to me. Love, marriage, houses, careers, babies and a lot of laughter. But I will raise a glass of apple cider in hopes that my thirties are even better. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I now know I certainly can't plan everything, but I can still have hope.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Strengths and Weaknesses
How on earth is it already July? The best thing about July for me is that it means fall is almost here! (Well in my mind that's what I tell myself to distract myself from how ridiculously hot it is.) One year ago to the day I had this strong desire to get silly matching red, white and blue outfits for every member of my family, set up the camera on automatic and take pictures together. I guess for some patriotic, good old American family pictures. Can't explain why I wanted to do this so much. I love pictures but I'm not one to feel the need to take themed pictures for every holiday. Whatever the reason, I'm glad we did. What resulted was one of my favorite family pictures of us.
Kellen was happy because his mama was holding him, and we all somehow managed to look at the camera at the same time. My goodness, does this picture make me smile.
I won't lie, it's been a rough past few days. Kellen has not left my mind. It started a couple morning's ago at my Doctor's appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a dad walking around with his toddler son, I assume waiting for his wife to come out of her appointment. I instantly thought of Kellen. He would have been about the same age as this little boy and to see him walking around got that burning feeling in my chest going. And then the little boy started saying "Mama! Mama!" over and over again and that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore. The burning in my chest moved up my throat and the tears came down uncontrollably. Thankfully no one was close enough to me to notice. I've gotten to a place where for the most part I feel strong. I can go about my day functioning like a normal person and I can take care of my daughter and be the best wife I can be. And then there are moments like these when I feel like I'm so weak I can't stand.
In my previous life I would hear about people losing children and, as most people do, you think "I can't even imagine what that would be like." But really what you're imagining is indescribable pain, you just have never felt it. I can attest that it is worse than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm trapped in a well a mile below the surface knowing there is no way to climb out but still trying over and over again, hoping I can somehow get out of it. Seeing the light but it's just unattainable. Weak because I feel helpless, strong because I'm surviving.
Not long after Kellen left us, we took Farrah to Starbucks to treat her to a Frappuccino and as we were sitting with our drinks I noticed a woman staring at us. Not in a creepy way, but I could tell she had a sincere sweetness to her. As we were finishing up she came over and said "I just want you to know, you have a beautiful family and your daughter is beautiful." She smiled and walked away. Afterwards I thought about what would have prompted her to notice us and to say that to us. Had she lost a daughter and seeing Farrah brought back memories? I'm not sure. It could have just been a nice lady saying something nice to some people who really needed a lot of love. I truly hope I can get to a place where instead of tears streaming when I see a little boy clumsily walking around and saying his first words that I can smile like this lady and say "You have a beautiful son." For now I understand my weaknesses will probably outweigh my strengths and I'm ok with spontaneous tears now and then. I am human, afterall.
I won't lie, it's been a rough past few days. Kellen has not left my mind. It started a couple morning's ago at my Doctor's appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a dad walking around with his toddler son, I assume waiting for his wife to come out of her appointment. I instantly thought of Kellen. He would have been about the same age as this little boy and to see him walking around got that burning feeling in my chest going. And then the little boy started saying "Mama! Mama!" over and over again and that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore. The burning in my chest moved up my throat and the tears came down uncontrollably. Thankfully no one was close enough to me to notice. I've gotten to a place where for the most part I feel strong. I can go about my day functioning like a normal person and I can take care of my daughter and be the best wife I can be. And then there are moments like these when I feel like I'm so weak I can't stand.
In my previous life I would hear about people losing children and, as most people do, you think "I can't even imagine what that would be like." But really what you're imagining is indescribable pain, you just have never felt it. I can attest that it is worse than I ever imagined. I feel like I'm trapped in a well a mile below the surface knowing there is no way to climb out but still trying over and over again, hoping I can somehow get out of it. Seeing the light but it's just unattainable. Weak because I feel helpless, strong because I'm surviving.
Not long after Kellen left us, we took Farrah to Starbucks to treat her to a Frappuccino and as we were sitting with our drinks I noticed a woman staring at us. Not in a creepy way, but I could tell she had a sincere sweetness to her. As we were finishing up she came over and said "I just want you to know, you have a beautiful family and your daughter is beautiful." She smiled and walked away. Afterwards I thought about what would have prompted her to notice us and to say that to us. Had she lost a daughter and seeing Farrah brought back memories? I'm not sure. It could have just been a nice lady saying something nice to some people who really needed a lot of love. I truly hope I can get to a place where instead of tears streaming when I see a little boy clumsily walking around and saying his first words that I can smile like this lady and say "You have a beautiful son." For now I understand my weaknesses will probably outweigh my strengths and I'm ok with spontaneous tears now and then. I am human, afterall.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Memories
This morning I could not stop thinking about one of my favorite Kellen memories so I thought I would share it with you all. It's funny how the things that seemed so little at the time have left such a lasting impact on me.
Last year sometime late in the summer we were invited by our dear friends to go to an SF Giants game. They had gotten free tickets and had a couple extra and we really wanted to go but couldn't find last minute child care. We wanted to go and have some fun with our friends without dragging the kids along but we were forced to either stay home or bring the kids. We weren't sure how they would both last 9 innings sitting on our laps but we decided to take them along so we didn't miss out all together.
Kellen was in a great mood that day. I was worried about not being able to put him down since he was in the squirmy phase. But he did great on our laps. We took the BART train into the city and the ride in is something I won't forget. It was packed. Thankfully someone ended up giving me their seat so I could sit with Kellen. A few minutes into the ride we went into a tunnel. It got dark but our reflections popped up in the window and Kellen noticed himself and was very amused by this. He was smiling and laughing and then when it would get light outside and his reflection would go away he'd get quiet and stare at the window with confusion until we went through another tunnel and his reflection popped up and he would start laughing all over again. Pretty soon the whole train took notice and everyone was captivated by this happy boy. Thankfully, my friend who's been known to take a few pictures, snapped this photo.
I will never forget that day. Kellen's first and only baseball game. But more than that, that simple train ride that seemed like nothing at the time. Kellen caught a lot of people's attention with his innocent smile. I am so grateful for this memory.
Last year sometime late in the summer we were invited by our dear friends to go to an SF Giants game. They had gotten free tickets and had a couple extra and we really wanted to go but couldn't find last minute child care. We wanted to go and have some fun with our friends without dragging the kids along but we were forced to either stay home or bring the kids. We weren't sure how they would both last 9 innings sitting on our laps but we decided to take them along so we didn't miss out all together.
Kellen was in a great mood that day. I was worried about not being able to put him down since he was in the squirmy phase. But he did great on our laps. We took the BART train into the city and the ride in is something I won't forget. It was packed. Thankfully someone ended up giving me their seat so I could sit with Kellen. A few minutes into the ride we went into a tunnel. It got dark but our reflections popped up in the window and Kellen noticed himself and was very amused by this. He was smiling and laughing and then when it would get light outside and his reflection would go away he'd get quiet and stare at the window with confusion until we went through another tunnel and his reflection popped up and he would start laughing all over again. Pretty soon the whole train took notice and everyone was captivated by this happy boy. Thankfully, my friend who's been known to take a few pictures, snapped this photo.
Friday, June 20, 2014
Can't we all just get along?
The internet has been interesting lately. I don't know if I'm just more aware of it, or if it's becoming more prevalent, but people seem to have a lot of extreme opinions that they would like to share with the world without regard for other people's opposing beliefs.
As a youngin' (now that I'm almost 30 I can say that), my beliefs were on the liberal side. A peace and love kind of girl. Now that I've gained a few years and a few children, I've gotten a little more conservative.... a little. However this post is not meant to be a political one. One of the things I love most about this country is that we are all entitled to our own opinions. And yet it seems like the internet has given people license to say hurtful things. I guess what I'm trying to say is, why has it become necessary to bash an opposing view in order to validate our own opinions?
I've had to force myself to stop reading all the "articles" posted on facebook because they usually set me off. One in particular that set me off a couple weeks ago that was a sponsored ad on facebook (even worse) entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) Christian Celebrities." I won't even link the article because I don't want to give them any foot traffic. Again, not to bring up religion or politics, but when I saw the title of the article I was really taken aback. Especially with some of the hot button issues with minority groups that have been in the news lately. Why is it ok for us to single out any particular group of people and call them annoying? Can you imagine if the article was entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) (insert minority group here)?" There would be an uproar, people would boycott, the website would make a formal apology, we'd talk about it at the water cooler for a few days and eventually, Lindsey Lohan would do something stupid again and we'd all shift our attention to talking about what a train wreck she is. One of their targets was Martin Sheen and he was deemed "annoying" for being pro-life. Really? That makes someone annoying? That's when my days of reading pointless internet articles came to a close. I'm pretty sure my exact words were "I can't.... I just can't."
Maybe it's the direction life has taken me, but I have no time for hateful comments towards anyone. We've become such an anti-bullying society (as we very well should) and yet as adults we make exceptions in certain situations. Why is that?
Another article I read a while back about the Duggar family opened my eyes to the mean spirited nature of the internet. I was guilty of judging them myself. 20 kids may cause you to raise an eyebrow. But what the writer pointed out was that this family has 20 very well behaved children. Their family is self sufficient, requiring zero assistance from the government. None of them have been arrested or done anything to make this world a worse place. So why the hate? Who cares if their beliefs don't line up with yours? Shouldn't we be focusing on the people who drain society instead of the ones who have made it better?
My intention is not to cause a political debate. If it turns into that then you obviously missed the point of this whole post. I'm just fortunate enough to have an outlet to blow off some steam for you all to hear :) So since I'm on a kick of wanting to rid my brain of pointless internet articles I want to finish with something that actually matters. Losing a child changes you as you've probably noticed from my last 8 months of blog posts. And this week it was brought to my attention that another family (whom I've never met) put their sweet baby boy to sleep and he didn't wake up. If you feel inclined to give as so many wonderful people did for us in our time of need, please do so on
https://fundly.com/in-loving-memory-of-maddix
Or give to any other legitimate cause you feel inclined to. Life is too short to expend energy on the negativity of others. There are much more important things going on that could really use our attention.
As a youngin' (now that I'm almost 30 I can say that), my beliefs were on the liberal side. A peace and love kind of girl. Now that I've gained a few years and a few children, I've gotten a little more conservative.... a little. However this post is not meant to be a political one. One of the things I love most about this country is that we are all entitled to our own opinions. And yet it seems like the internet has given people license to say hurtful things. I guess what I'm trying to say is, why has it become necessary to bash an opposing view in order to validate our own opinions?
I've had to force myself to stop reading all the "articles" posted on facebook because they usually set me off. One in particular that set me off a couple weeks ago that was a sponsored ad on facebook (even worse) entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) Christian Celebrities." I won't even link the article because I don't want to give them any foot traffic. Again, not to bring up religion or politics, but when I saw the title of the article I was really taken aback. Especially with some of the hot button issues with minority groups that have been in the news lately. Why is it ok for us to single out any particular group of people and call them annoying? Can you imagine if the article was entitled "The 8 most outspoken (and annoying) (insert minority group here)?" There would be an uproar, people would boycott, the website would make a formal apology, we'd talk about it at the water cooler for a few days and eventually, Lindsey Lohan would do something stupid again and we'd all shift our attention to talking about what a train wreck she is. One of their targets was Martin Sheen and he was deemed "annoying" for being pro-life. Really? That makes someone annoying? That's when my days of reading pointless internet articles came to a close. I'm pretty sure my exact words were "I can't.... I just can't."
Maybe it's the direction life has taken me, but I have no time for hateful comments towards anyone. We've become such an anti-bullying society (as we very well should) and yet as adults we make exceptions in certain situations. Why is that?
Another article I read a while back about the Duggar family opened my eyes to the mean spirited nature of the internet. I was guilty of judging them myself. 20 kids may cause you to raise an eyebrow. But what the writer pointed out was that this family has 20 very well behaved children. Their family is self sufficient, requiring zero assistance from the government. None of them have been arrested or done anything to make this world a worse place. So why the hate? Who cares if their beliefs don't line up with yours? Shouldn't we be focusing on the people who drain society instead of the ones who have made it better?
My intention is not to cause a political debate. If it turns into that then you obviously missed the point of this whole post. I'm just fortunate enough to have an outlet to blow off some steam for you all to hear :) So since I'm on a kick of wanting to rid my brain of pointless internet articles I want to finish with something that actually matters. Losing a child changes you as you've probably noticed from my last 8 months of blog posts. And this week it was brought to my attention that another family (whom I've never met) put their sweet baby boy to sleep and he didn't wake up. If you feel inclined to give as so many wonderful people did for us in our time of need, please do so on
https://fundly.com/in-loving-memory-of-maddix
Or give to any other legitimate cause you feel inclined to. Life is too short to expend energy on the negativity of others. There are much more important things going on that could really use our attention.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Then and now
This pregnancy is quite different than the last. For many reasons. Many of you may remember all the fun complications I had when I was pregnant with Kellen. Thankfully, I don't have those same complications this time around. I was holding my breath until the 20 week ultrasound when they would be able to tell if I had the same thing this time and, thankfully, that was not the case.
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be. She's been praying for another brother or sister. But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby. She almost seems cautiously excited. The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven. I didn't know how to answer that question. Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes. Again, I didn't know how to answer that question. She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her. I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house. He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's.
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened. I was always the parent that didn't worry too much. Kids will be kids, right? She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever! She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine. But it's different now. Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you. If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes. I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates. And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind. I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit. I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down. I have to see her move a little bit. I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person. A different mom. A different wife. A different friend. But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger. While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier. The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy. I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so). But now I can cry at the drop of a hat. Doesn't take much. This experience has forced me to feel more. One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us. My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy. My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again. Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy.
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer. "Is this your first child?" "Nope." "Your second?" In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer. While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child. I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen. I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others. It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do.
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy." I understood what they meant. Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby. But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me. If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction. But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby. I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts. And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will. But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed. As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same. The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process. Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.) So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity. I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)
There are a lot of other emotional differences this time around. I knew how excited Farrah would be. She's been praying for another brother or sister. But I didn't anticipate the number of questions she would have about this new baby. She almost seems cautiously excited. The night of our "wedding" when she was laying in bed she asked me when this new baby was going to go to heaven. I didn't know how to answer that question. Then she asked if we will go to heaven before this new baby comes. Again, I didn't know how to answer that question. She has experienced more loss than many kids her age and I don't think people realize how much it has effected her. I know she's only 4 years old but to her, her brother wasn't just another kid living in the house. He was her baby just as much as he was mine and Abe's.
Speaking of Farrah, as to be expected, my parenting towards her has changed since all this happened. I was always the parent that didn't worry too much. Kids will be kids, right? She's rolling in the mud outside... whatever! She's eating too much sugar... she'll be fine. But it's different now. Putting a child down for the night with a chest cold and him not waking up will do that you. If you're sick, stay the heck away from me and my kids. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable letting her eat anything by herself in case she chokes. I may be attending all her dinner dates to make sure she chews her food well enough when she's 30 and I finally allow her to go on dates. And my nighttime ritual of going into Farrah's room after she's asleep may seem a little crazy to some, but it gives me peace of mind. I will watch her breath for a second and then I sort of poke her until she moves a little bit. I don't trust just seeing her chest move up and down. I have to see her move a little bit. I'm picturing all the moms reading this giggling but understanding :)
As you can see, I'm obviously a changed person. A different mom. A different wife. A different friend. But on the plus side my emotions are so much stronger. While my sadness is much sadder, my happiness is so much happier. The littlest things that I may have overlooked before bring me so much joy. I wasn't a big crier before (Abe may disagree but I don't think so). But now I can cry at the drop of a hat. Doesn't take much. This experience has forced me to feel more. One of the lessons I've taken from this all is that life is precious and it's not just the big events that should leave an impact on us. My daughter's smiles when she gets one of the questions in her kindergarten work book right... pure joy. My husband starting his own blog and picking up writing again. Something he really enjoyed before..... pure joy.
Now that I'm showing I get all the standard questions from strangers and I don't know why I hadn't thought about this coming and prepared myself for it but I can feel them coming when I'm talking to someone and I'm emotionally preparing myself to answer. "Is this your first child?" "Nope." "Your second?" In that moment I have to make a choice on how to answer. While it may be too much to unload on a perfect stranger, I'm just not ready to say this is my second child. I'm not ready to not acknowledge Kellen. I will always consider him to be just as much one of my children as any of my others. It's possible, with time, that will change and my answer will be much simpler, but for now, "I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an angel baby who would have been 18 months" will have to do.
I also had a lot of people who knew about the pregnancy before we told the world say "I hope it's a boy." I understood what they meant. Of course, we just wanted a healthy baby. But I've started to grasp that this new baby being a boy is going to make things a little more difficult emotionally for me. If it was a girl, I think the dresses and bows would be an easier distraction. But having the boy clothes and toys and all that will probably bring back a lot of reminders, feelings, and some heartache mixed with joy for our new baby. I know everyone's hope for us is that this baby heals our hearts. And while I won't know until he's here... I'm sure he will. But be patient with us as I don't think we'll ever be healed. As my friend who has also lost a son explained, it's like a plate shattering and being glued back together. The plate is put back together but it's never the same. The cracks will always be there.
I am so grateful that our friends and family have been so understanding of our healing process. Thankfully I haven't had to go crazy on anyone making insensitive comments about us "getting over it" or anything like that (yet.) So thanks folks for helping me maintain my sanity. I'm sure it's just as much for your sake to avoid my wrath as it is for mine :)
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Going to the Chapel
I got married yesterday. No, Abe and I aren't having problems and I didn't run off with someone new. Abe and I got married. Let me explain..... Farrah has always thought for some reason that every time you get married you have a baby. So those Duggars with 19 kids... married 19 times in her eyes. And as a parent, of course you want to foster the idea that babies are equated with marriage so we never corrected her. So as our way of sharing some special news with her we threw ourselves a weddin'! As Abe said, it's not a wedding it's a weddin' because we're using paper plates.
We sent her an invitation
And then we got hitched!
And then we told her that she is going to be a big sister again. I was so excited to see her face. She had literally been praying to be a big sister again. It was so hard not to tell her but we wanted to wait a while just to spare her any heartache if we told her too early. Her face was priceless. She was so excited. She kept asking if it was real or if we were pretending.
We went outside to send some balloons to heaven per our tradition to let Kellen know he was going to be a big brother.
So while October of 2013 brought us the biggest heartache of our lives when we lost our son, October of 2014 will give us some of our joy back when we welcome a new son to our family. God is good.
We sent her an invitation
We kept the party going with a present for Farrah to open. Inside were either pink or blue balloons. We were all finding out together. Before we opened it she started praying. Don't know what she was praying for but she seemed happy with the results!
Team Blue!
So while October of 2013 brought us the biggest heartache of our lives when we lost our son, October of 2014 will give us some of our joy back when we welcome a new son to our family. God is good.
A huge thank you to our friends for being the "photographers/officiant/planners" of our big day :)
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Mother's Day
Mother's day is quickly approaching. I'm not sure how I'll feel on that day. I honestly hadn't even thought about it until it was brought up at the last support group. I could see how painful it was for many of the mothers there. I do realize how blessed we are that we have our daughter and that we are able to have more kids if we decided to but it doesn't make it easier. I read something once that an angry grieving mother wrote when someone had so lovingly told her "at least you still have your daughter," and her response was "tell me which of your children you could live without?" So that's the limbo that I'm in. Happy to be a mother to my beautiful daughter but still heavy in my heart that he's not here.
I did some more going through his toys to see if there was anything I wanted to keep. The hard part isn't the sorting process, it's that every single toy has a memory. Every block I tripped over, every ball I found under the couch. Everything reminds me of my sweet boy. I found this little foam square that had his teeth marks in it and I just kept running my fingers over the marks. Back and forth, over and over. One of the few physical pieces of him I still have.
If there's one thing I will always remember about Kellen it was what a mama's boy he was. He was a permanent fixture on my hip for most of his life. So on Mother's Day this year, when I think of Kellen, I will try to focus on that. That he loved his mama and that she loved him.
Mommy's boy from Krista Naldjian on Vimeo.
I did some more going through his toys to see if there was anything I wanted to keep. The hard part isn't the sorting process, it's that every single toy has a memory. Every block I tripped over, every ball I found under the couch. Everything reminds me of my sweet boy. I found this little foam square that had his teeth marks in it and I just kept running my fingers over the marks. Back and forth, over and over. One of the few physical pieces of him I still have.
If there's one thing I will always remember about Kellen it was what a mama's boy he was. He was a permanent fixture on my hip for most of his life. So on Mother's Day this year, when I think of Kellen, I will try to focus on that. That he loved his mama and that she loved him.
Mommy's boy from Krista Naldjian on Vimeo.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
6 months later
When it first happened I could have never imagined making it to this point. Somehow we arrived here 6 months later. In my previous life it seemed like we were always working on something new. Over a 6 month period I could tell you about all of the things we'd accomplished in the past 6 months. Now, all I can really say is we've survived over the past 6 months... and I'm pretty ok with that.
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult. The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime. I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him. It's been very tough.
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children. I'm so glad we went. I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents. I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had. One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin. There are memories that will always be painful. But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories. For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here. I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile. It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller! Kellen must be trying to say hi." But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process.
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog. I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not. He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond. Miss you Kellen!
I'm not going to lie, it's getting more difficult. The shock and numbness has warn off and I'm left with knowing that I'm not getting my son back, at least in this lifetime. I cry when I look at his pictures, I cry when I talk about him, I cry at night time just because I can't stop thinking about him. It's been very tough.
We attended our first support group for parents who've lost children. I'm so glad we went. I was so surprised how few resources there are for grieving parents. I heard about The Compassionate Friends from a friend and we decided to check it out. It was comforting to be in a room full of people that had experienced the same thing that we had. One thing that stuck out to me was when the facilitator used the analogy of the flipping of a coin. There are memories that will always be painful. But there are many memories that are painful now but the coin flips and they become happy memories. For me it's difficult when I'm out and I see a little boy that is about the age Kellen would be if he were still here. I'm sure the day will come that the coin will flip and it will make me smile. It's hard for me to see Kellen's stroller or carseat now but I'm sure a day will come when I see a little guy being pushed around in his stroller and say to myself "Hey look it's Kellen's stroller! Kellen must be trying to say hi." But for now, I'm being kind to myself and patient with the process.
I have to thank you all for remembering my son by reading this blog. I'm so blessed to know how many people loved him whether you knew him or not. He blessed this world for 11 months and beyond. Miss you Kellen!
Friday, April 11, 2014
Heaven holds JOY
We decided to take a spontaneous trip to go visit Kellen yesterday. Farrah had been asking to go to "Kellen's celebration" a lot lately. She just remembers that we were celebrating him on the day of his funeral. We never called it a funeral so I'm happy she just calls it his celebration spot.
We jumped in the car and stopped at a pancake place for some breakfast, stopped at the store to pick out some balloons to send to heaven as per tradition, then drove to his celebration spot. I was thinking as we drove and were having our usual silly conversations with Farrah, singing songs and playing games that an outsider would have no idea we were headed to such a somber place. Life does move forward, especially when you have another child that forces you to keep going.
This was our first time visiting since they had his stone engraved. For as much as we went back and forth about what we wanted on the stone, it turned out very nice. Now we just have to decide which picture we want them to add to the right side.
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Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Life lately
Life lately seems to be moving forward. I wouldn't say moving on but moving forward seems to fit better. If there's one quality about myself that I can remember from a very young age it's that I have always been an optimist. I have my moments, don't get me wrong, but I just always knew that everything would work out. I didn't need to know how, I just knew that it would. I knew that I would marry the man of my dreams, I knew I would have beautiful children, great friends, great relationships with my family and a great career. Abe and I have always been dreamers together. From the very beginning we would dream about what we wanted for our lives together. Pretty early on we decided that my business was going to retire him so he could be a stay at home dad and run the behind the scenes part of my business. Book keeping, mailing, and DJ extraordinaire for all my events. And after October 29th we decided it was time to make that happen. It was scary because we didn't know how it was going to work, but we had faith that it would work. It was an adjustment in the beginning going from him being gone from 50-80 hours a week depending on the time of year, to being with each other all.the.time. But it's crazy to think the life we dreamed of living is now a reality. But of course, there's a huge piece missing. The biggest piece you could imagine.
I was watching the show "Long Island Medium" (I know, I'm crazy for watching that show, especially now), and there was a woman on there that had lost her adult son and she said that she really missed him needing her and she needed him just as much as he needed her. I would absolutely in a heart beat give this dream life back if it meant I could have him back and go back to the way things were.
Now our day to day routine varies but it usually includes breakfast together then I start my work for the day and take breaks to go to the park with Farrah, watch her favorite show with her, or play "Frozen." We eat lunch together and dinner together. I can stop what I'm doing at any moment and do bedtime routine or get her ready for school. I am beyond grateful for the life that I am blessed to lead. I'm sure there are many people that wish they could enjoy those luxuries.
Weekends depend on whether or not Abe has a gig or we have a family function but we've been able to do a lot more outings as a family. We live in such a beautiful area with so many things to do. It would be a shame to not explore from time to time. This weekend we had a lazy day and decided to start going through Kellen's room. Up until this point the door has been shut and all of his things, every piece of baby gear was just shoved in there so we didn't have to look at it. We got about 10 minutes in and had to stop. Every little toy, outfit, everything. What finally made us stop was seeing his laundry hamper and his last little outfit that he wore sitting on top. It all just seems so unfair. Almost 6 months later and I still can't believe this is real most of the time. This is our new reality.
I will always consider myself to be an optimist. I still believe everything will turn out ok. We will just continue to move forward in faith.
I was watching the show "Long Island Medium" (I know, I'm crazy for watching that show, especially now), and there was a woman on there that had lost her adult son and she said that she really missed him needing her and she needed him just as much as he needed her. I would absolutely in a heart beat give this dream life back if it meant I could have him back and go back to the way things were.
Now our day to day routine varies but it usually includes breakfast together then I start my work for the day and take breaks to go to the park with Farrah, watch her favorite show with her, or play "Frozen." We eat lunch together and dinner together. I can stop what I'm doing at any moment and do bedtime routine or get her ready for school. I am beyond grateful for the life that I am blessed to lead. I'm sure there are many people that wish they could enjoy those luxuries.
Weekends depend on whether or not Abe has a gig or we have a family function but we've been able to do a lot more outings as a family. We live in such a beautiful area with so many things to do. It would be a shame to not explore from time to time. This weekend we had a lazy day and decided to start going through Kellen's room. Up until this point the door has been shut and all of his things, every piece of baby gear was just shoved in there so we didn't have to look at it. We got about 10 minutes in and had to stop. Every little toy, outfit, everything. What finally made us stop was seeing his laundry hamper and his last little outfit that he wore sitting on top. It all just seems so unfair. Almost 6 months later and I still can't believe this is real most of the time. This is our new reality.
I will always consider myself to be an optimist. I still believe everything will turn out ok. We will just continue to move forward in faith.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Things that make me smile
It's been a while since I've felt the urge to write. I will be honest, the weight of the phone call from the coroner was heavy. It brought back the emotions from the day that it happened. It was a rough week last week. I was sad, angry, confused and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can't even describe. I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe the results are correct. Which is hard because I'm having to accept that I'll never really know exactly what happened to Kellen. I do believe it was probably something to do with him being sick. Something respiratory and he just stopped breathing. But even his Doctor told me she was very surprised at the findings because she's never heard of that happening before. He didn't have any of the major symptoms of croup but even if he did, it's not sometime people die from. So here we are. Figuring out what comes next I guess.
So a week has passed and not that I'm "feeling better" or anything like that, but I'm forcing myself to look around and see the things that make happy. To really experience them so I don't get swallowed up by sadness. There truly is so much that makes me smile. Here are just a few that come to mind.
1. All of Farrah's sayings.
I have a little book that I try to write as many of her sayings in as possible. Boy does she like to talk. I was watching a video my friend took of Farrah when she was no more than 18 months old. To hear her just making sounds and using her baby sign language was so amazing to me. I had forgotten what it was like when she didn't speak. Now she doesn't stop talking. One of my recent faves came after I came home from a work trip and was very excited that I ran into and took a picture with my favorite basketball player Steph Curry from the warriors. So I told Farrah, who has watched a few warriors games with us, that mommy got to meet Steph Curry. She seemed excited because I was excited but I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I was talking about. So we came downstairs and Abe said to her, "Farrah did you hear who Mommy met this weekend?" to which she hesitated, then responded ".... Sir Kirby!" Sir Kirby is one of the characters from Doc McStuffins, one of her favorite shows. Sir Kirby, Steph Curry, same thing I guess.
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2. My friends
I feel weird even calling them friends. I am fortunate enough to have the type of friends that are more like family. My besties, the girls I work with, my mom friends.... I'm surrounded by amazingess. Leaving surprise white mocha's on my porch ;) Sending cards. Coming over in a messy bun and sweats to gossip and watch the bachelor. Humor keeps me sane and my friends keep me laughing. Thanks ladies! I feel like I should have some Spice Girls playing in the background of this blog or something. But really though.... girl power!
3. My husband
I remember when I first met him, I thought he was very quiet and shy. Some people still think that about him. False. He's one of the funniest people I know. Laughing together is getting us through. Once Farrah is down for bed at night and he hands over the remote (assuming there's no games on) and says "What do you want to watch?" (smart man), and I usually say "something funny." There's enough seriousness in our life right now. I'm lucky to call him mine.
4. The little things
My morning cup of coffee. It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up. I actually look forward to getting up so that I can enjoy my morning ritual. I love the morning time. There's something about that fresh start everyday that gets me excited.
Organizing. I love taking 5 minutes to organize something that's bugging me... the junk drawer, the pantry, whatever. To some it may seem like a waste of time but I always get this sense of satisfaction when it's done so well worth 5 minutes of my time to me.
Reading books to Farrah. Luckily she has a dad that's basically a big kid himself so he can do all the loud, crazy stuff with her. I get so much joy from just sitting with her and reading a book. I hope she grows up to love books as much as I do.
My morning makeup routine. Yes I am in the makeup business so I may be a little biased on this one. But on the days where I don't take the time to fix my hair and put on some make up I feel like a different person. There is some satisfaction in taking some time for yourself in the morning, then looking in the mirror at the finished product.
Jelly beans. Except the black ones. Ain't nobody got time for black jelly beans.
Life gets heavy from time to time. Really heavy. But we're forced to keep going. So why not take a moment to remember all the good things that are happening? They're there if you take the time to look.
So a week has passed and not that I'm "feeling better" or anything like that, but I'm forcing myself to look around and see the things that make happy. To really experience them so I don't get swallowed up by sadness. There truly is so much that makes me smile. Here are just a few that come to mind.
1. All of Farrah's sayings.
I have a little book that I try to write as many of her sayings in as possible. Boy does she like to talk. I was watching a video my friend took of Farrah when she was no more than 18 months old. To hear her just making sounds and using her baby sign language was so amazing to me. I had forgotten what it was like when she didn't speak. Now she doesn't stop talking. One of my recent faves came after I came home from a work trip and was very excited that I ran into and took a picture with my favorite basketball player Steph Curry from the warriors. So I told Farrah, who has watched a few warriors games with us, that mommy got to meet Steph Curry. She seemed excited because I was excited but I'm pretty sure she had no idea what I was talking about. So we came downstairs and Abe said to her, "Farrah did you hear who Mommy met this weekend?" to which she hesitated, then responded ".... Sir Kirby!" Sir Kirby is one of the characters from Doc McStuffins, one of her favorite shows. Sir Kirby, Steph Curry, same thing I guess.
I feel weird even calling them friends. I am fortunate enough to have the type of friends that are more like family. My besties, the girls I work with, my mom friends.... I'm surrounded by amazingess. Leaving surprise white mocha's on my porch ;) Sending cards. Coming over in a messy bun and sweats to gossip and watch the bachelor. Humor keeps me sane and my friends keep me laughing. Thanks ladies! I feel like I should have some Spice Girls playing in the background of this blog or something. But really though.... girl power!
I remember when I first met him, I thought he was very quiet and shy. Some people still think that about him. False. He's one of the funniest people I know. Laughing together is getting us through. Once Farrah is down for bed at night and he hands over the remote (assuming there's no games on) and says "What do you want to watch?" (smart man), and I usually say "something funny." There's enough seriousness in our life right now. I'm lucky to call him mine.
My morning cup of coffee. It's usually the first thing I think about when I wake up. I actually look forward to getting up so that I can enjoy my morning ritual. I love the morning time. There's something about that fresh start everyday that gets me excited.
Organizing. I love taking 5 minutes to organize something that's bugging me... the junk drawer, the pantry, whatever. To some it may seem like a waste of time but I always get this sense of satisfaction when it's done so well worth 5 minutes of my time to me.
Reading books to Farrah. Luckily she has a dad that's basically a big kid himself so he can do all the loud, crazy stuff with her. I get so much joy from just sitting with her and reading a book. I hope she grows up to love books as much as I do.
My morning makeup routine. Yes I am in the makeup business so I may be a little biased on this one. But on the days where I don't take the time to fix my hair and put on some make up I feel like a different person. There is some satisfaction in taking some time for yourself in the morning, then looking in the mirror at the finished product.
Jelly beans. Except the black ones. Ain't nobody got time for black jelly beans.
Life gets heavy from time to time. Really heavy. But we're forced to keep going. So why not take a moment to remember all the good things that are happening? They're there if you take the time to look.
Monday, March 24, 2014
The Call
We got the call yesterday. The call we've been waiting for for almost 5 months. The day Kellen passed the coroner told us it could take up to 90 days for an official cause of death. They would do an autopsy the next day and then they would send his blood work to a lab on the east coast to see if they could find anything abnormal in his blood and that's why it could take so long. So we waited... and waited. A million thoughts ran through my head while I was waiting. As much as I tried not to, I would question everything. Replay that day over and over. So when the 90 days came and went, we called. "We're not sure who told you 90 days," they said. "It'll be more like 5 months." So back to waiting we went. It felt like we were at a stand still until we could get this closure. It's a strange feeling when people ask what happened and you're not even sure what happened. I would always say SIDS but in my heart, I wasn't sure that's what it was because I kept thinking about how he was sick the day before and it seemed like too big of a coincidence.
So yesterday morning as we were driving, I mentioned to my husband that I wish they would just call already. This coming weekend will mark 5 months since he passed so I knew to be expecting the call any day. The big man upstairs must have heard my request because an hour or so later, the call came. When I heard who it was on the other line my heart stopped. Abe and I hurried into the office so we could hear better and shield Farrah from anything we didn't want her to hear.
"So he was sick right? He was sick right before?" "Yes." "Ok, did you hear a loud barking cough?" "No." "You didn't?" "No." "Well the doctor is listing the cause of death as croup..... typically there's a loud barking cough that comes with it.".... silence.
I didn't know what to say. I left the room to go sit and cry. I was so afraid of this. I didn't want to hear that it was because of him being sick. I remember thinking that day before he passed that if he wasn't better by tomorrow I was going to bring him in to see the doctor because, even though he didn't have a fever, he was congested and I wanted to get it checked out. I gave him a warm bath and put the humidifier on before I left the room that night. Was there something I missed? It never crossed my mind that anything I saw was life threatening otherwise I obviously would have had him at the hospital in a heartbeat.
So Abe came out of the office after he finished the call. Both of us irritated because everything they told us was found during the initial autopsy, not the bloodwork. Because we were told they found nothing in the autopsy initially, I was thinking that maybe it was SIDS. Abe told me one last thing the man from the coroner's office said on the phone after I left. "Not that it makes it any better, but there was nothing you could have done. Even if you had brought him to the doctor it probably wouldn't have helped."
I thought he was just blowing smoke to make us feel better but as I started to research croup, I'm starting to believe he was right. It is extremely rare to die from croup. Everything I read said it's rarely serious. Suggestions included using a humidifier and rest. In fact Abe was reading some statistics and a baby is less likely to die from croup than from SIDS.
So here we are. Where are we supposed to go from here? I guess we've received as much closure as we possibly can have. I don't think this will change how often I think of him. And I certainly will continue missing him every second of every day. But the waiting game has ended.
Thank you to everyone for always thinking of us, supporting us, praying for us and for reading this blog. As much as this news brings an element of closure, I never want anyone to forget about my sweet boy. So thank you for reading every time I post. The fact that so many of you think of my son so often means the world to me.
So yesterday morning as we were driving, I mentioned to my husband that I wish they would just call already. This coming weekend will mark 5 months since he passed so I knew to be expecting the call any day. The big man upstairs must have heard my request because an hour or so later, the call came. When I heard who it was on the other line my heart stopped. Abe and I hurried into the office so we could hear better and shield Farrah from anything we didn't want her to hear.
"So he was sick right? He was sick right before?" "Yes." "Ok, did you hear a loud barking cough?" "No." "You didn't?" "No." "Well the doctor is listing the cause of death as croup..... typically there's a loud barking cough that comes with it.".... silence.
I didn't know what to say. I left the room to go sit and cry. I was so afraid of this. I didn't want to hear that it was because of him being sick. I remember thinking that day before he passed that if he wasn't better by tomorrow I was going to bring him in to see the doctor because, even though he didn't have a fever, he was congested and I wanted to get it checked out. I gave him a warm bath and put the humidifier on before I left the room that night. Was there something I missed? It never crossed my mind that anything I saw was life threatening otherwise I obviously would have had him at the hospital in a heartbeat.
So Abe came out of the office after he finished the call. Both of us irritated because everything they told us was found during the initial autopsy, not the bloodwork. Because we were told they found nothing in the autopsy initially, I was thinking that maybe it was SIDS. Abe told me one last thing the man from the coroner's office said on the phone after I left. "Not that it makes it any better, but there was nothing you could have done. Even if you had brought him to the doctor it probably wouldn't have helped."
I thought he was just blowing smoke to make us feel better but as I started to research croup, I'm starting to believe he was right. It is extremely rare to die from croup. Everything I read said it's rarely serious. Suggestions included using a humidifier and rest. In fact Abe was reading some statistics and a baby is less likely to die from croup than from SIDS.
So here we are. Where are we supposed to go from here? I guess we've received as much closure as we possibly can have. I don't think this will change how often I think of him. And I certainly will continue missing him every second of every day. But the waiting game has ended.
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