My grown up girl

My Dear Farrah,
This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will.  As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big.  This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?"  5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl.  I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives.  I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body.  One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid. 
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you.  You force me to see things differently.  I want to be just like you when I grow up. 
Yesterday you had an "off" day.  While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from.  As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time.  You saw my tears and asked if I was sad.  I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad.  I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven.  He just wanted to see what it was like there before us.  And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there.  That's what I think when I'm sad mom."  How wise you are my sweet girl. 
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family.  But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy.  You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister. 
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer.  Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up.  Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?"  I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad.  I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions. 
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have.  Everyone who knows you sees it.  You are a very special girl. 
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy

Dirty 30

30 something.... not sure I'm used to the sound of that yet.  This past weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday.  Very different from my 29th birthday celebration.  As you can probably tell from the differences between my surprise 29th birthday party pictures...

...and my 30th birthday picture

This year I had to turn down for the sake of my 26 week baby bump.  What a difference a year makes. 
I had plans for what I wanted to see happen by the time I turned 30.  If you know me, you've probably experienced my control freakishness.  I always knew I wanted to be a young mom.  Not Guinness Book of World Records young or anything, but I figured I would be done having kids by the time I turned 30. 
Last night as I was sitting on my couch, staring at our blank walls and packed boxes getting ready for our move I thought about the magnitude of October 29th, 2013.  It isn't just an event that we live with, but an event that has changed the course of our lives.  You may have heard me talk about the difficulties we had with Kellen during my pregnancy and his 11 months.  I won't lie, they were enough for us to decide that we were probably done having kids even though we had always thought we'd have at least 3.  Not long after Kellen left us, I knew I wanted to have more kids.  We needed it as part of our healing process and Farrah desperately wanted to be a big sister again.  It was right for us.  So here I am, expecting baby number 3 past my 30 year old cut off.  Life has a way of changing your well-designed plans. 
Since October 29th, Abe has left his full time sometimes 60-80 hr a week job and now is a domestic dad that works part time when he chooses to take shifts to do what he loves by giving a bride and groom the ultimate dance party on their big day.  And now, we're on the move.  It's something we always knew would come eventually but the idea of bringing a new baby home to this house, in his room, with his memories became too much and we have decided to move on and make new memories in a new house. 
My twenties were very good to me.  Love, marriage, houses, careers, babies and a lot of laughter.  But I will raise a glass of apple cider in hopes that my thirties are even better.  I don't know what tomorrow brings and I now know I certainly can't plan everything, but I can still have hope. 

Strengths and Weaknesses

How on earth is it already July?  The best thing about July for me is that it means fall is almost here!  (Well in my mind that's what I tell myself to distract myself from how ridiculously hot it is.)  One year ago to the day I had this strong desire to get silly matching red, white and blue outfits for every member of my family, set up the camera on automatic and take pictures together.  I guess for some patriotic, good old American family pictures.  Can't explain why I wanted to do this so much.  I love pictures but I'm not one to feel the need to take themed pictures for every holiday.  Whatever the reason, I'm glad we did.  What resulted was one of my favorite family pictures of us. 

Kellen was happy because his mama was holding him, and we all somehow managed to look at the camera at the same time.  My goodness, does this picture make me smile.

I won't lie, it's been a rough past few days. Kellen has not left my mind.  It started a couple morning's ago at my Doctor's appointment.  As I was sitting in the waiting room I noticed a dad walking around with his toddler son, I assume waiting for his wife to come out of her appointment.  I instantly thought of Kellen.  He would have been about the same age as this little boy and to see him walking around got that burning feeling in my chest going.  And then the little boy started saying "Mama! Mama!" over and over again and that's when I couldn't keep it in anymore.  The burning in my chest moved up my throat and the tears came down uncontrollably.  Thankfully no one was close enough to me to notice.  I've gotten to a place where for the most part I feel strong.  I can go about my day functioning like a normal person and I can take care of my daughter and be the best wife I can be.  And then there are moments like these when I feel like I'm so weak I can't stand. 

In my previous life I would hear about people losing children and, as most people do, you think "I can't even imagine what that would be like."  But really what you're imagining is indescribable pain, you just have never felt it.  I can attest that it is worse than I ever imagined.  I feel like I'm trapped in a well a mile below the surface knowing there is no way to climb out but still trying over and over again, hoping I can somehow get out of it.  Seeing the light but it's just unattainable.  Weak because I feel helpless, strong because I'm surviving. 

Not long after Kellen left us, we took Farrah to Starbucks to treat her to a Frappuccino and as we were sitting with our drinks I noticed a woman staring at us.  Not in a creepy way, but I could tell she had a sincere sweetness to her.  As we were finishing up she came over and said "I just want you to know, you have a beautiful family and your daughter is beautiful."  She smiled and walked away.  Afterwards I thought about what would have prompted her to notice us and to say that to us.  Had she lost a daughter and seeing Farrah brought back memories?  I'm not sure.  It could have just been a nice lady saying something nice to some people who really needed a lot of love.  I truly hope I can get to a place where instead of tears streaming when I see a little boy clumsily walking around and saying his first words that I can smile like this lady and say "You have a beautiful son."  For now I understand my weaknesses will probably outweigh my strengths and I'm ok with spontaneous tears now and then.  I am human, afterall.