1 year later

I realize I haven't updated my blog in a while.  There's a lot to share with Mr. Evan's arrival but today, for me, is about Kellen.  Exactly one year ago I woke up to every parent's worst nightmare.  I'd love to say that day was a blur, but I remember every detail of that day and could probably give you a minute by minute account of all the details if you ask.  To this day I still can't set my alarm for 6:15 am because that's the time that my alarm went off that morning and I panicked realizing he hadn't woken up for his feeding in the middle of the night. 

We have survived.  Most people would have understood if we crawled into a hole and just existed the rest of our lives.  But we have chosen to live and I'm pretty damn proud of us.  I struggle with the message we give that you could possibly lose a child and still live a full life.  But I know that choosing joy in our lives will never take away the pain of losing a piece of our hearts.  

When I was recovering in the hospital after having Evan, they sent a social worker into my room to chat with me.  I knew it was coming.  I'm sure my file has all kinds of red flags in it.  She said the Doctor's wanted her to talk to me because they were concerned I may not have had enough time to grieve before having another baby.  While the intentions were genuine, I shook my head thinking there is no expiration on grief.  I will forever grieve the loss of my son.  No amount of time will pass where I'll feel better and be ready to be done with this grief thing.  However, I heard a song on the radio that put words around how I'm feeling now.  It's by Danny Gokey and as I drove in my car I listened to the words of the song and stared at the new sleeping baby in the rear view mirror and the tears would not stop coming.  

"I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end.
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind.
I've seen the dark and the broken places.
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright.

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find.
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind.

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining.
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright.

There's hope in front of me.
There's a light, I still see it.
There's a hand still holding me.
Even when I don't believe it.
I might be down but I'm not dead.
There's better days still up ahead.
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me.

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night,
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side.

You're my hope
You're the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don't believe it.
I've got to believe.
I still have hope.
You are my hope."

I love you my sweet Kellen.  1 year later.... forever more.  Until we meet again.