Why I'll be parenting a little differently in 2015

Have you done it yet?  Have you made your new year's resolutions?  I love the idea of self improvement.  I probably singlehandedly keep the self help book industry afloat.  I just love the idea of constantly bettering myself.
But this year will be a little different for me.  If 2013 was the worst year of my life, then I would say 2014 was the hardest year of my life.  Time forces you to move on after the death of a child.  It doesn't matter if you're ready, life goes on, the world keeps moving, and no matter how much you want to just stay right where you're at, you can't.
I had a moment yesterday that made me think about my self improvement attitude.  It came when I asked Farrah why she had a band aid on her knee, to which she responded "I fell and hurt myself but it's ok, I'm fine, I got back up.  That's what happens when you get older Evan, you get hurt, but you get back up."
It's something we all teach our kids, right?  You fall and you get back up.  A noble message.  But what about when something happens to them, that knocks the wind out of them?  That completely turns their world upside down?  I want my kids to know, it's ok to stay down for a while.  I realized in that moment, I never explained to Farrah that she doesn't have to pop back up instantly all the time.
A few weeks ago, if you would have asked Farrah what she wanted for Christmas, she would have told you all she wants is her brother back.  Let that soak in for a moment.  As most people were out lining up weeks before black Friday to score a deal on a TV or an iPad, or fighting over a waffle iron at Walmart, my little girl was asking for something no one can give her. She hasn't popped back up yet.
My anxiety about the safety of my family is still just as strong now as it was the day after Kellen passed.  I haven't popped back up yet.  Some things are laughable, I'm sure.  Even I can have a sense of humor about it.  The other day Farrah got her first loose tooth (I know, I had to do a double take when I saw it because I can't believe she's old enough for that).  After seeing it, my first thought was "what if it falls out in the middle of the night and she chokes on it?"  Seems kind of far fetched but that's where my mind goes now.  I haven't popped back up yet.  Making sure my children are breathing is on my mind ALL.DAY.LONG.  I'm not exaggerating with this one.  I think about it all the time.  There is no logical reason why a perfectly healthy kid, who falls asleep in the car would stop breathing, but there have been multiple times that I actually pulled the car over, got out of the car and ran around to their seats to poke them to make sure they were still breathing.
I'm don't think I'll ever pop back up from this one, and I'm not sure that I even want to.  So for those of you that have been through the wringer this year, you may be happy that 2015 is on the horizon, as am I.  Just remember to take the time you need.  There are times when you should dust yourself off and move forward.  And then there are times when it's ok to give yourself permission to stay down for a while.
Happy New Year, my friends!  I sincerely mean that.  I wish you a new year of comfort.  Whatever that is for you.