Judging grief

This morning after dropping off Farrah at school I was driving the country roads back to our house and could see Evan kicking his feet in the car seat through the rear view mirror.  I still have many moments where it hits me.  It hits me how much losing Kellen on October 29, 2013 has effected the rest of our lives.
Let me back track for a minute.  I remember several years ago when there was a story circulating on the news about a horrific crime in Connecticut where 2 men broke into the house of Dr. William Petit, murdered his wife and 2 daughters and set his home on fire.  He was the only survivor.  A while after this happened, it was in the news that he had gotten remarried and was expecting a child with his new wife.  Of course, people judged him, and I, unfortunately, judged right along with them.  How could he possibly get remarried so quickly?  And have another baby?  He's just "replacing" his old family.
And then we found ourselves in a position after losing a child where outsiders might not understand our decisions moving forward.  A few months after losing Kellen, we were expecting a new baby.  Yes we were ready, no we were not replacing him, no you don't have to worry about us being emotionally able to handle a new baby.  In those moments I understood Dr. William Petit and I was sorry I had judged.  Our loss is in no way equal to what he went through, however I could understand the feeling of excruciating pain, and desiring to be happy again. When you are in that thick state of fresh grief, it is exhausting.  There will never be another Kellen.  My heart made room for a new baby so each child could have 100% off my heart.  
Several months after Kellen passed I started hearing from people that I seemed to be doing so well.  I feel the need to explain this a little bit further.  I have my moments.  Sometimes those moments happen multiple times a day, sometimes I can go days between moments.  Every once in a while those moments are in front of people, but usually they're when I'm alone with my thoughts.  But I came to realize in the days, weeks, and months after our life was turned upside down that my life was forever changed and no matter what I did, I couldn't do anything about that.  In a strange way that was liberating for me.  Because I couldn't control what happened, I wanted to control my response to it.  There seemed to be 2 paths laid out for me.  Path #1 was a path filled with sadness,  bitterness, wishing for something that wasn't within my control.  Path #2 was to choose joy despite the sadness.  You see there is still sadness but joy is something I have chosen.  I may seem to be doing well, and to be honest, I am.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I chose path #2 for that very reason.  I will always miss Kellen, I will forever have a piece of me that's missing.  But I also have so much to be happy about, most importantly the 11 months we had with Kellen and the impact he made on this world in his short time.
I'm even reminded within my own home how differently people grieve.  I am proud of how Abe and I have encouraged Farrah to grieve in her own way.  The other day I was singing a song to Evan that I had made up and used to sing to Kellen and Farrah stopped me and said "Mom that song is for Kellen.  Don't forget about Kellen."  That stung.  Instead of justifying it away and trying to make myself feel better I just decided to be silent and allow her to say what she needed to say for her grief journey.
One of my favorite songs that I feel reflects my pain is called "The hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe.  It describes the feeling of when your hurt collides with your faith.

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here 


So to my fellow grieving friends, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are doing the best you can.  And that is enough.