Stages

 Stages of life, stages of grief.  It all seems to be hitting me at once.  There are times when I think about Britney Spears' meltdown circa 2007 and think "You go Britney!  Shave that head!"  My husband mentioned to me the other day that most couples who go through any one of the things we're going through would be stressed, but we seem to do them all at once because that's just how we roll.  Grief, pregnancy, selling a house, grief, leaving a job, moving, grief, new baby, grief.
We're in a new stage with Evan.  We're attempting to begin transitioning Evan into his crib in his room.  We've started with his afternoon nap this week and last night we decided to try his first stretch at night in his crib.  Have you ever known someone that was in a car accident and after the accident they were afraid to ride in a car?  That's how I feel about cribs.  He has every possible monitor hooked up to him, no blankets, no crib bumper, he's on his back, so logically I should know that he's fine and even if he's not fine every bell, whistle and drum is going to go off so loudly that I wouldn't need to call 911 because they'd already hear the ridiculously loud alarms and yet, I couldn't remove this monitor from my hand.  When the screen would go to sleep I would immediately push the button again because there's no way I could get through it without staring at it.  I don't know when I'll be ready to have him in there at night while we're sleeping.

I've learned that grief is a living thing.  It evolves, it appears, it hides and it reappears again.  Never disappearing all together. When I think I'm doing fine is usually when a meltdown hits me.  So wish us luck in this new stage of life and grief.  And if you see me walking down the street wish a shaved head, just smile and nod.  Everybody deserves a good meltdown every once in a while.