11 months here, 11 months gone

Exactly 11 months ago, on his 11 month birthday, Kellen passed away.  In a way I've been quietly dreading this day more than the upcoming 1 year anniversary.  There's a significance to this day that gives me an uneasy feeling.  Starting tomorrow he will have been gone longer than he was here. 
The 29th is going to be an interesting day these next few months.  This month is the 11 months here/11 months gone day, next month is the 1 year anniversary, and the following month would be his 2nd birthday.  My greatest fear about today is that now that he's been gone longer than he was here, I'll be expected to move on.  That this time that has passed somehow erases the time he was here.  I can't speak for all grieving parents, but I feel strongly that part of the battle I go through is between wanting so badly to "feel normal" again and "move on" but being sickened by the idea of the possibility that I could ever move on.  There is no moving on. 
So 11 months later, I think I'll spend this day remembering the 11 months I had with him.  Our new house has little touches of him that make us smile.  His star map given to us by a dear friend that had a star named after him.

 Our joy sign to remind us of the joy he brought us.  Joy upon joy upon joy.

 And my jewelry box with his picture on it given to me by a family member that I see every morning when I get ready.  He was a true mama's boy. 

Life is unpredictable friends.  11 months from now your life could be completely different than it is now.  Enjoy the time you have with the people you love.  Whether you're at work or at home, be in the moment.  Your life deserves your attention. 

Prepping for baby Evan

We have about 3 1/2 weeks until Evan's expected arrival.  Dare I say I am so ready?  I'm feeling huge.... like giant status.  These past few days have been a little better because I can tell he's dropped a little.  Not so high up in my ribs.  When you sound out of breath putting on your shoes, that's a problem. 

 

We had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  Everything looks great!  Heartbeat is good, his head is down  and measuring right on schedule.  Now we wait.
I can't wait to see what he looks like.  I think it will feel more real when I can see his face.  I wonder if he will look like his sister, his brother, or his own little self.  Farrah definitely has the darker features from her daddy's side and Kellen had some of the lighter features from both of us. 
I am pretty nervous.  I have no idea what emotions will surface during the delivery and adjusting to life going from 1 to 2 kids at home again.  I hate to say it but I got used to being a mom of 1 again.  1 person to give all my attention to.  Now I'll have 2 to devote my time to.  It's a strange yet familiar feeling. 
I keep referring to Evan as Kellen by accident.  In fact when I first wrote the title of this blog I wrote Kellen by accident instead of Evan.  Abe does the same thing.  I'm sure once he's here and I can see him, my brain will start working again.  At least I hope.  I want him to be his own person.  I don't want him to be his brother's replacement.  He deserves his own story.  He is a gift from God. And like the meaning of his name says, "God is good." 
Evan's room is pretty much ready for him, we've got the diapers, the itty bitty clothes, and all the things that make you say "oooh... ahhhh" at a baby shower.  We're as ready as we can be here in the house, we'll just have to take it one day at a time once you come home with us. 
Farrah couldn't be more excited.  I'm looking forward to seeing her make the face again she used to make when she was around Kellen.  This look of pure joy that you can't possibly contain when you want to squeeze a cute baby but restrain yourself.  That's the best way I can describe that face. 
Lots to look forward to in our house.  We have a lot of people rooting for us.  We couldn't possibly be more grateful.  Just don't be offended when I bathe you in hand sanitizer when you come to visit after he comes.  This chick is a paranoid 3rd time mama. :)

Twice the grief

I was driving the other day down the country road that leads to our new house.  I've found this time I've been spending driving down this road has been filled with thoughts about Kellen, thoughts about life now, and pretty much any deep thinking I do. 
On this particular day I started thinking about everyone else that Kellen's death has effected.  There have been many people that have told me how much Kellen's death has impacted them. I am forever grateful for the number of lives he touched.  But on this day I was thinking of the lives he impacted while he was still here.... close friends and family. 
Someone suggested a book to me entitled "Grandparents cry twice: Help for bereaved grandparents."  While I haven't read it yet, I understand the concept, and on this particular drive on this particular day it got my mind racing.  How difficult is must be for my parents and Abe's parents.  They are grieving the loss of their grandson, and at the same time they are grieving for us.  As parents all we want to do is protect our kids from harm.  Heck there are times I'm at the playground with Farrah and some random kid won't give her a turn on the swing and it tugs at my heartstrings.  I can't imagine watching your children suffer such deep pain knowing there's nothing you can do.  They certainly don't get the kind of attention they deserve in this process.  In typical parent fashion, their pain takes a back seat to ours. 
And then there's the aunts and the uncles.  The ones who got to spoil him, play with him, love him, and give him back to his parents at the end of the day.  They knew only the fun, the love and the joy and then they get the crushing blow when they got the call that day.  I'm sure they longed for more time with him, as we all did.  I'm sure they try to make sense of it all, as we all do.  They experience the same sadness, anger and confusion we all do. 
Of course, we have our friends.  The ones who love our kids as if they're their own.  And now he's gone and not only do they grieve his loss, but they're left with different friends.  I'm not naïve to think Abe and I are the same friends we were before this happened.  Abe and I took vows, for better or worse.  Our friends don't have to love us through it.  There are still days when I'm in a mood and can't bear much of anything, and I wouldn't fault them for being over it.  But they somehow seem to understand.  They're still there despite it all. 
Miss Farrah has not forgotten either.  I'm happy in a sense, because I never want her to forget her brother, but I hate to see her hurting in any way.  Because of her age, I think people brush her grief aside.  But she has real feelings and real hurt.  She asked her teacher at school the other day if they could write a note to Kellen in heaven so they did.  She likes to draw pictures of him.  And sometimes, if she's in a silly mood, she will pretend like he's here playing with her. 
I have not forgotten that you all played a huge part of his life and I imagine his death has effected you more than others think.  Thank you for loving us through this.  Kellen was so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

Vows

This past weekend we attended my cousin's wedding.  It was a beautiful outdoor wedding in the Napa Valley in the middle of a vineyard.  As we sat listening to the happy couple recite their vows, surrounded by millions of grapes and lots of couples who had recited similar vows on their own special days, I couldn't help but squeeze Abe's hand just a little tighter.  We've all heard that we're supposed to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and so on and so forth.  I wonder what most people think of when they get to that part.  I'll be the first to admit that I was pretty naïve when I thought about what obstacles we may have to overcome.  I expected the standard financial struggles, job changes and moves.  We're good people.  I guess I didn't think about really bad things happening.  Those types of things don't happen to people like us. 
We woke up in the middle of the night when the big earthquake hit.  Our hotel room was shaking all around but thankfully there was no damage.  We went back to sleep and woke up the next morning to learn of some of the devastating damage in many parts of Napa.  Some people lost their homes and everything in it.  Others were critically injured.  For better or for worse.  Vows put to the test. 
I hope that we've had to deal with the worst of it.  But I also know we're only barely 30 and hopefully have a lot of life left.  Our vows have certainly been tested.  Not just the grief of losing a child, but both of our post traumatic stress demons we carry after finding our son the way we did.  I wouldn't blame him for taking it out on me and I'm sure he wouldn't either.  But we're coming up on a year since it happened and, so far, I can say we have loved each other for worse... there hasn't been much better. 

Our son Evan will be here in less than 2 months and we'll embark on the stressful journey of a newborn.  In my previous life, I categorized that under the "for worse" part of marriage.  Lack of sleep, crying (mostly the baby but sometimes me when I don't get sleep), and the tendency to snap at your partner.  But in my new life I'm considering this to be a "for better" part.  I'll just squeeze Abe's hand a little tighter and keep on going, for better or for worse.

Selfishness

It feels good to be writing again!  It sounds silly because of all of the things going on in the world but we've been living without internet for the past several weeks and it stinks!  Who knew how much we rely on it, especially working from home?! 
We're finally getting settled in our new home.  It's taking some adjustment to get used to the new set up, the new neighborhood and all that comes along with it but it's starting to feel like home. 
We still don't have blinds up because it's a brand new house so I tend to wake up early when the sun comes up.  The other night, or morning I suppose, I laid in bed as the sun was rising and I was thinking about the choices we've made in the aftermath of October 29th, and I was proud to say, we've been a bit selfish.  I'm sure many people haven't understood some of the choices we've made.  Some have been quiet if they didn't agree and some have raised some eyebrows.  I will never feel the need to justify our choices to anyone.  So when I get the raised eyebrows I smile and bite my tongue.  I could go on an on explaining it away but what's the point?  Not many people have had to walk our path, and I hope they never have to. 
Was it hard for us to leave a home so close to our best friends in the world?  Absolutely!  Was it hard for Abe to walk away from a good paying job to be home?  Yes, and no :).  Is it hard for me to turn down playdates from time to time knowing that I'm taking my business in a new direction so I need to focus on growing it?  Definitely!  Do we have mixed feelings about having another baby so quickly?  Of course!  We're happy and we're sad.  Don't know that waiting any longer would have changed those emotions.  We are different people now.  Our priorities have shifted.  For however long it takes we need to be selfish right now.  My sole focus is my family.  Maybe that makes me a bad friend... I hope not.  I hope others understand.  We have the opportunity now for us to live the life we dreamed before Kellen passed.  And quite frankly, I'm mad I didn't try to make it happen sooner.  Kellen is my example that life is precious and sometimes, way too short. 
I have been known to be a people pleaser in the past.  I just love to keep the peace and see people happy.  But I have to say, it feels good to be selfish every once in a while.  You should try it sometime!

This one's for you little man!  Living our lives to the fullest since yours was cut short. 

My grown up girl

My Dear Farrah,
This is something you probably won't understand now but someday you will.  As a parent, we've all had those moments when we just stare at our kids in amazement at how and when they managed to get so big.  This happened to me again yesterday and I was just staring at your long legs, your polished toes, your hand motions and mannerisms and thought "when did she get so big?"  5 years ago I had just found out that our baby was going to be a little girl.  I was thinking about all the frilly dresses, hair bows, dance lessons and princesses that I would experience in the next several years and while that is all true, I had no idea how much more you would bring to our lives.  I didn't realize that at only 4 1/2 years old you would be a little person, with ideas, thoughts to share and so much intelligence crammed into such a little body.  One minute you will have me rolling on the floor laughing from one of your many Farrahisms and the next minute you have me tearing up over something so thought provoking I can't wrap my brain around how it came from a preschool kid. 
People ask me how I seem to be doing ok considering our devastating loss and all I can think of is you.  You force me to see things differently.  I want to be just like you when I grow up. 
Yesterday you had an "off" day.  While most people would probably put their kid in time out and throw their hands up in the air, I realize that you have experienced a lot in your short lifetime and decided to read you a children's book about dealing with the death of a loved one in case that's where your frustration was coming from.  As we were reading I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not get through it without tears the whole time.  You saw my tears and asked if I was sad.  I explained that I was and it was ok to be sad.  I asked if you were sad and you responded with "Well I miss Kellen but when I find myself getting sad I change my attitude and remember that it was Kellen's time to go to heaven.  He just wanted to see what it was like there before us.  And someday I will have so much time with him when I get there.  That's what I think when I'm sad mom."  How wise you are my sweet girl. 
Pretty soon we'll be in our new house and we'll have a new baby to welcome to our family.  But I have no doubt that you will never forget your sweet brother Kellen and that makes my heart happy.  You even asked if he was going to have a room in the new house because you're just that great of a big sister. 
Sometimes you have questions I can't answer.  Like our recent drive when you asked when we were going to heaven and I said I didn't know but I hoped not for a long time because we had a lot left to do on earth and we wanted to be here to watch her new baby brother grow up.  Then you hit me with "Well how come my other baby brother doesn't get to watch our new baby grow up?"  I hope that you're never afraid to ask me questions or talk about things just because you're afraid it might make me sad.  I love that you even think to ask such in depth questions. 
Besides the dresses and bows and all things girly, I never knew a child could be so caring, so wise, such a lover of the color purple, such a great friend and could leave such a stamp on my heart the way you have.  Everyone who knows you sees it.  You are a very special girl. 
Love you higher than the sky,
Mommy

Dirty 30

30 something.... not sure I'm used to the sound of that yet.  This past weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday.  Very different from my 29th birthday celebration.  As you can probably tell from the differences between my surprise 29th birthday party pictures...

...and my 30th birthday picture

This year I had to turn down for the sake of my 26 week baby bump.  What a difference a year makes. 
I had plans for what I wanted to see happen by the time I turned 30.  If you know me, you've probably experienced my control freakishness.  I always knew I wanted to be a young mom.  Not Guinness Book of World Records young or anything, but I figured I would be done having kids by the time I turned 30. 
Last night as I was sitting on my couch, staring at our blank walls and packed boxes getting ready for our move I thought about the magnitude of October 29th, 2013.  It isn't just an event that we live with, but an event that has changed the course of our lives.  You may have heard me talk about the difficulties we had with Kellen during my pregnancy and his 11 months.  I won't lie, they were enough for us to decide that we were probably done having kids even though we had always thought we'd have at least 3.  Not long after Kellen left us, I knew I wanted to have more kids.  We needed it as part of our healing process and Farrah desperately wanted to be a big sister again.  It was right for us.  So here I am, expecting baby number 3 past my 30 year old cut off.  Life has a way of changing your well-designed plans. 
Since October 29th, Abe has left his full time sometimes 60-80 hr a week job and now is a domestic dad that works part time when he chooses to take shifts to do what he loves by giving a bride and groom the ultimate dance party on their big day.  And now, we're on the move.  It's something we always knew would come eventually but the idea of bringing a new baby home to this house, in his room, with his memories became too much and we have decided to move on and make new memories in a new house. 
My twenties were very good to me.  Love, marriage, houses, careers, babies and a lot of laughter.  But I will raise a glass of apple cider in hopes that my thirties are even better.  I don't know what tomorrow brings and I now know I certainly can't plan everything, but I can still have hope.