Permission to not be ok

By now you've come to realize I'm no professional blogger.  When it's been months years since my last blog post it's apparent that this is just a therapy medium for me, not an actual blog.  So you probably won't find me at any blogging conferences anytime soon.
But sometimes life inspires me to write.  I have to get it out into the endless space of the internet so that I can release the thoughts consuming me.
I have always admired eternal optimists.  I'd like to think I'm a pretty positive person.  Ever since I was a little girl I knew I would have a good life.  I just knew I would:
marry the man of my dreams ✓
love my job ✓
have a beautiful family ✓

I don't know how I knew these things, I just felt everything would always work out.  This attitude about life has served me well up until this point.
Fast forward to last week.  We've had a lot of life happening in the last 6 weeks.  Nothing earth shattering but just life stuff.  Things that have started to drum up emotions and feelings that I didn't realize had been buried for the last 2 1/2 years. And for the first time I felt like I couldn't get off the couch all day.  I didn't even feel that way right after Kellen passed away.  I felt a heaviness that I couldn't shake and couldn't describe if someone asked me to.  And it scared me.  I zoned out for the day.  And I don't mean on a surface level.  I mean I couldn't function that day.  My kids watched tv show after tv show and I stayed in the same position on the couch for most of the day.
The next day was better but still not great and I was worried that there was something seriously wrong with me.  I picked up my bestie to drive to work together and in the car she asked me how I was doing.  I was real with her.  "I'm not doing so good," I told her.  I went on to explain to her the feelings, or lack of feelings I had the day prior and it opened up the door to talking about October 29, 2013.  She was there with me that day.  In fact she stood outside with me waiting for the ambulance to arrive, praying that it was all going to be ok.  She watched as my chest literally felt like it was caving in and the world was spinning around me.  And in that car ride with her we talked about that day.  The details we remembered, the conversations, the tears.  And by the time we were done with that conversation I felt a little lighter.
So I started asking around for recommendations for grief counselors.  And I'm in the process of getting an appointment set up.  I didn't think what I was experiencing was grief related but as a fellow beautiful angel mama shared with me, the numbness is finally wearing off.
I've always chosen to be around people that choose positivity and joy.  I don't have the brain space for extra negativity.  And to be quite honest, after October 29th, I have a different definition of what a bad day looks like than most people do.  So when someone is going on and on about how they got a flat tire, and were late to work so it's the worst day ever, I'm saying a silent prayer to myself that I'm able to keep my mouth shut so I don't lose a friend over how I really feel. I'm sure you're all now going through all the conversations we've had in your head wondering if you ever said anything that made me want to slap you.  It's possible.  It's also possible that I understood you were just venting in the moment and not someone who makes mountains out of molehills on the regular.  
All of this lead to a realization that in my quest to be positive and choose joy, I may have given others the impression that they didn't have permission to not be ok.  And for that I'm sorry.  It's ok to not be ok.  But it's not ok to not be ok and not do anything about it.
Choosing joy can look like feeling sad and reaching out to a friend to have coffee.  Choosing joy can look like feeling lost and reaching out to a professional to talk out what you're walking through.  Choosing joy can look like feeling alone and writing in a journal to get out all the thoughts in your head.  Choosing joy can be feeling hopeless and serving others so you can be reminded of the good things you have.  Choosing joy can look like feeling shattered and going to church (seriously people, please go).  Mine is pretty freaking awesome (yes I just said that about church) but there's lots of great ones.  Just go.
As your friend (and we're all friends here right?) imagine me holding your face between my hands and saying it's ok if you're not ok.  But I love you enough to not let you stay there.  Please do something about it.  I love coffee and look for any excuse to go have it with someone.